No contact after being dumped

[flitzanu]

2 hours ago, Billybob said:

I came here looking for advice so I can better understand my situation..

I understand so many people have said to stop contacting and find peace etc..

After a horrendous week end of being upset over my cat Iv finally got some answers from my ex that I’d like to share..

 

Some of Hayleys messages 

“I understand where you’re coming from, And I’m too ill to drag you through any more turmoil or attempts at trying to work through it. 

** I'm tired of trying to make this work

I think you have a lot to offer someone who is more able bodied than me. 

** you're a great guy, for someone else

In time, when you meet someone else, you’ll realise that I was holding you back in many way xxx”

** i want you to meet and date other people

“I do love you more than anyone I’ve ever had xxx”

** i care about you and don't want to hurt your feelings

“You’re a friend to me, you know me well and can be there, like I can for you, if ever I’m needed xxx”

** i know you care about me and will still do anything i want and i can take advantage of your generosity right now

“Because I know how I feel about you. I think you’re great.
But “us”, that’s the issue. I wasn’t getting much out of “us” and in reality, neither were you, due to my ill health.”
 

She’s using her health a lot as reasons to split up, I asked if I wasn’t giving her something she needed then she could tell me..

Right so I accept she’s made her choices,  but what’s with the whole declaring all this love for me?  In terms of “us” not getting anything out of the relationship don’t you only get out what you put in?

Iv always had more to give but I never knew what else she actually needed, are these just excuses?

now that I accept she’s finished I’m not so upset about it any more.. what I’m curious to understand is, this whole friends thing she’s offering me considering she’s said she loves my more than any other man..   is she being genuine in wanting my friendship or am I being used as possible back up?

I'm strong enough to be friends but not just to be used.. and considering she says she loves me more than anyone what happens if I find someone else that she keeps telling me to find..

 

i helped edit what her responses mean, see ** above

[Billybob]

5 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

i helped edit what her responses mean, see ** above

Thanks 🙏 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Billybob said:

I think you have a lot to offer someone who is more able bodied than me. 

Were there issues with sex or helping out around the home? She seems too exhausted/overwhelmed, but not angry or hateful.

[Billybob]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were there issues with sex or helping out around the home? She seems too exhausted/overwhelmed, but not angry or hateful.

I helped her a lot with everything as did her parents,  because she would get tired a lot and feel pain, arthritic etc she just needed more rest and sleep than most people..  sex was minimal due to all this….  
she’s very hung about her illness and what she will become as she aged as you can tell from some of her replies..

when arriving at her house after work I’d often have to entertain her 6 year old whilst she slept and then clean up her kitchen as over the day plates and cups would just gather on the units rather than get put into the dish washer etc..

She say “us” wasn’t enough, she’s now got to struggle on her own and rely more on her parents, her parents always said I was selfless and I must be an angle putting up with everything..   Iv recently been doing research and realise she sex bombed me at the beginning, sold me the dream but then fed me crumbs just to keep me interested…

im bring brutally honest here, I said to her,  what does she need from the relationship to feel happy, I asked what was missing, she replied “us” wasn’t enough..  but I said we were only ever going to get what we put in etc, I offered to give in other ways but asked what I needed to give..

its hArd to say but I think this is how her relationships go, she gets fed up and think she can just find someone new never bothering to look at her input etc.. 

I accept the relationship is over from her perspective but I find it very odd she cites me needing to find someone more healthier than her and claim she still loves me more than any man she’s ever met and thinks in great etc….  She’s made my choices for me and cut her nose off despite her face..

she said she was being cruel to be kind and save me grief in the long run..    but she’s asking for this friendship by saying it’s beneficial.  When I asked what kind of friendship, she said the sort were we check in on each other time to time like friends do..

I think at some point she’s going to realise what she lost and regret it.. to say she still loves me more than any other men and think I’m great etc…. This is a very weird and unique situation.. I bet you don’t see this kind of relationship end very often?

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Billybob said:

I asked what was missing, she replied “us” wasn’t enough

Perhaps she wanted a commitment, not just someone who hangs out at her place all the time?

At some level you know why it's over.

[Billybob]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps she wanted a commitment, not just someone who hangs out at her place all the time?

At some level you know why it's over.

No mate, I gave everything she wanted, no commitment issues..  when she says the relationship wasn’t enough but she still loves me more than anyone else saying how great I am etc thats f***ed up s*** to be letting someone go.. but she’s adamant she wants friendship.. I don’t need her friendship so that’s not going to happen in the near future..

she should be more percific with her reasons..?

im struggling to understand why someone wouldn’t fight to keep the person they love more than any other man..  if it’s not true then equally she’s cruel..   I’m just trying to understand this..

[spiritedaway2003]

You cannot apply logic and reason when it comes to love.  You know the relationship is over and you know you should move on, yet you are still holding on?  Why?  Same reason. The heart needs time to catch up to the reality.

Her offer of friendship is to soften the blow of the breakup. She’s lost the attraction to you (not interested in romantic relationship - do respect that) but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you as a person. There is shared history.  You could love and care for someone but still recognize that two people might not be compatible for a relationship.

That also doesn’t mean you don’t need time to heal and move on.  You do not need to stay friends after because that would only hold you back and you’d be wasting time wondering how to get her back or if you could have another try.  Don’t hold yourself back. You can reason how someone feels. Let it go.

I am sorry to hear about your cat.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Billybob said:

 thats f***ed up s*** to be letting someone go.. but she’s adamant she wants friendship.

Well whether to stay friends or not is still your call even if she gave you  the "you're a great guy... (but)" routine on departure.

[Billybob]

37 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

You cannot apply logic and reason when it comes to love.  You know the relationship is over and you know you should move on, yet you are still holding on?  Why?  Same reason. The heart needs time to catch up to the reality.

Her offer of friendship is to soften the blow of the breakup. She’s lost the attraction to you (not interested in romantic relationship - do respect that) but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you as a person. There is shared history.  You could love and care for someone but still recognize that two people might not be compatible for a relationship.

That also doesn’t mean you don’t need time to heal and move on.  You do not need to stay friends after because that would only hold you back and you’d be wasting time wondering how to get her back or if you could have another try.  Don’t hold yourself back. You can reason how someone feels. Let it go.

I am sorry to hear about your cat.  

I feel like i’v lost everything, I’v got nothing to loose and something to gain..

I asked her out right if her offer of friends was just to be polite and let me down gently and even then she said because she knows me so well and thinks I’m great it’s of huge benefit to remain friends..   this is genuine on her part, it’s not some random politeness just to soften the blow…. Unless she had ulterior motive..  But from my point of view I don’t need her friendship to be happy… 

[flitzanu]

17 hours ago, Billybob said:

 

I think at some point she’s going to realise what she lost and regret it.. to say she still loves me more than any other men and think I’m great etc…. This is a very weird and unique situation.. I bet you don’t see this kind of relationship end very often?

 

this is the thing.  when you're in the situation you want to feel like it is the most unique situation, but, if you read every story on this forum you'll see that it is exactly the same breakup story that everyone else has.  that's why "we" may seem cruel when we repeat that it is over, it is because we all thought the same thing when it happened to us.

[Billybob]

Hi everyone,

Iv got so many questions I can’t get answers from me ex…

my ex think she’s being nice because my cat died and she’s sending me sympathy…

she keeps saying she loves me more than anyone but doesn’t want me.  Iv had to bury my Cat today and I’m still getting told no!!!! But I love you more than anyone..

Imo she’s full of crap, you don’t walk away from someone you claim you love more than anyone without a fight??

Iv told her her today her friendship offer means nothing so if she’s serious about loving me more than anyone she’s lost everything..  her friendship means nothing as a demotion consolation prize..

she thinks in bluffing because I’m upset over burying my cat.. I’m serious tho.. in my personal opinion if someone loved you more than anyone they would fight for you! 

[ShyViolet]

You're absolutely right.... her consolation prize of friendship is worthless and not something you should accept.  Ultimately she is letting you know she doesn't want to be with you in a relationship.  So you need to end communication with her.  Don't let her keep popping up and playing with your emotions.  It's up to you not to allow it.

[Billybob]

12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You're absolutely right.... her consolation prize of friendship is worthless and not something you should accept.  Ultimately she is letting you know she doesn't want to be with you in a relationship.  So you need to end communication with her.  Don't let her keep popping up and playing with your emotions.  It's up to you not to allow it.

I feel Iv almost had to try manipulate my ex to get truthful answers. Why can’t she just say sorry I don’t love you any more but I’ll be upset to loose you from my life please let’s be friends? Instead I get I love you more than anyone, I’m Sorry we won’t get back together but I think your wonderful..  it’s cruel in my opinion. It doesn’t give anyone closure unless they don’t care either way..!

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, Billybob said:

I feel Iv almost had to try manipulate my ex to get truthful answers. Why can’t she just say sorry I don’t love you any more but I’ll be upset to loose you from my life please let’s be friends? 

You shouldn't be doing this.  If you engage in this, you are just as much at fault as she is.  You should just be going no-contact and stop wasting your time with this.  The longer you drag this out, the more you will feel upset and frustrated and have no one to blame but yourself.  You can't control what she says or does, you can only control YOUR behavior.

[Billybob]

10 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You shouldn't be doing this.  If you engage in this, you are just as much at fault as she is.  You should just be going no-contact and stop wasting your time with this.  The longer you drag this out, the more you will feel upset and frustrated and have no one to blame but yourself.  You can't control what she says or does, you can only control YOUR behavior.

True,  but surly she has common sense and sense of what’s right and wrong?

 

unless she’s narcissistic and wants me to suffer which I’m not sure she does, surly she knows telling me she loves me more than anyone is going to keep me hanging on?

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Billybob said:

Iv had to bury my Cat today and I’m still getting told no!!!!

Relax. She's trying to be nice. A friend. She loves you as a friend but the relationship wasn't working. Yes stop taking it out on her. If you don't want her friendship, stop contacting her about your cat.

[Billybob]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Relax. She's trying to be nice. A friend. She loves you as a friend but the relationship wasn't working. Yes stop taking it out on her. If you don't want her friendship, stop contacting her about your cat.

I wasn’t contacting her about my cat, she just knows what’s going on because we’re still communicating etc..

it’s the whole I know how I feel and I still love you. Why tell me that when she knows I can’t have her?

[Hurtheart]

48 minutes ago, Billybob said:

I wasn’t contacting her about my cat, she just knows what’s going on because we’re still communicating etc..

it’s the whole I know how I feel and I still love you. Why tell me that when she knows I can’t have her?

It’s her way of feeling guilty for hurting you. She’s doing it for herself not you trust me 

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Billybob said:

 we’re still communicating etc..

Ok, if being in the friendzone hurts too much, pull way back. She's trying to be a friends and if this is hurtful to you just stop communicating. You have enough friends so just make a clean break.

Once it's over, it's over no matter what type of candy-coating was used as in the breakup. So no need to focus on the typical "you're great, I love you but..." thing when in fact you're understandably hurt and angry it's over, not because of the exit wording.

[Billybob]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, if being in the friendzone hurts too much, pull way back. She's trying to be a friends and if this is hurtful to you just stop communicating. You have enough friends so just make a clean break.

Once it's over, it's over no matter what type of candy-coating was used as in the breakup. So no need to focus on the typical "you're great, I love you but..." thing when in fact you're understandably hurt and angry it's over, not because of the exit wording.

Clearly she wants to be friends for her needs and not mine..  if I wasn’t good enough to be with in a relationship considering she said she still loves me more than any man ever then I’m not good enough to be a friend.   If people think I’m a poor looser as a result that’s fine…

i genuinely don’t get nothing from friends and I’m not being at her beck and call just because she may need something etc.. I have some self respect. 

[Lotsgoingon]

She's not going to change her mind because your cat dad. Look people's mothers and fathers die--doesn't mean you should date them if you don't otherwise want date them. She'd be an idiot to change her mind because your cat died.  Your thinking is way off here. 

We've already told you on this forum that she's using the word "love" to describe friendship. She doesn't mean romantic love. And we have told you that you need to cut contact with this woman. You ignore out guidance and OK, so you're right back here. 

Time to cut off contact and to tell her. In the meantime, you need to tell her to stop using the word "love." Tell her that hearing that word confuses you and just makes you sad. 

It's up to you to take action here. Either cut off contact--which 99 percent of people ultimately have to do to stay sane--or tell her to shut her trap about the "l" word. 

You're illustrating the validity of the no-contact guideline. Staying in contact after someone dups you is only, only going to cause you pain. And lots of pain. And twisted pain. 

 

Edited November 5, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Billybob]

33 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

She's not going to change her mind because your cat dad. Look people's mothers and fathers die--doesn't mean you should date them if you don't otherwise want date them. She'd be an idiot to change her mind because your cat died.  Your thinking is way off here. 

We've already told you on this forum that she's using the word "love" to describe friendship. She doesn't mean romantic love. And we have told you that you need to cut contact with this woman. You ignore out guidance and OK, so you're right back here. 

Time to cut off contact and to tell her. In the meantime, you need to tell her to stop using the word "love." Tell her that hearing that word confuses you and just makes you sad. 

It's up to you to take action here. Either cut off contact--which 99 percent of people ultimately have to do to stay sane--or tell her to shut her trap about the "l" word. 

You're illustrating the validity of the no-contact guideline. Staying in contact after someone dups you is only, only going to cause you pain. And lots of pain. And twisted pain. 

 

Sorry,  I haven’t implied we should get back together because my cat died…

what it is truthfully, because Iv been watching videos about no contact and peoples personalities and why they do things and how my ex has treated me with gaslighting etc..

When I googled 15 signs you’re dating a narcissist I’d say my ex had every trait. 

Having no particular stress in life I enjoy the positives and feel content…

So despite the signs of narcissistic behaviour in my ex because she can be friendly and help other people, walk into a room of people and make them all feel good about them selves it makes me doubt  if she really is narcissistic?

I didn’t manage to go no contact with my ex after she ended it for several reasons.  The fact she told me she still loves me more than anyone kept me clinging to hope, but there’s been several times when she’s told me to find someone else that can give me what I want. Is that a narcissistic trait?     

After loosing my cat my ex is showing empathy towards me some thing I didn’t think a narcissist could do?

I wake up feeling happy and Iv either forgot or blocked out most of her bad behaviour to remember her for her good qualities. As the day progresses and I start to miss her my mind starts to remember more..    I try to see the best in everything as negativity makes us sad…

now I genuinely love her for good or bad.. yes I know I’m struggling to let go and that’s my problem etc..

Iv chatted to my ex like Iv explained,  she’s adamant to the point of getting angry if I don’t believe she still loves me.  She will say “I know how I feel etc”.  
 

She knows I got drunk last night because I laid my cat to rest, I tried talking to her about why she keeps saying she loves me, like you quoted she could say I only love you as a friend or I’m not In love with you etc….        I told her I wasn’t prepared to accept friends as it’s a demotion and I’m not believing her when she says she loves me more than anyone ever.  My mate said to end it with me and say that is almost cruel on her part..

she has friends and family in her life, she doesn’t need me, for what ever reason she said I’d be if huge benefit but didn’t explain…

So yes her telling me she loves me has caused a lot of confusion for me. I told her I would have to force myself to forget  her and move in because I still love her and she said I shouldn’t force my self to do anything.  It’s almost like she wants me to want her even tho she doesn’t want me. Does it make sense?

im just grieving and trying to accept it so I don’t end up feeling sad every time I start to miss her…

Edited November 5, 2021 by Billybob

[glows]

Choose not to argue anymore. 

Slow down and stop reacting to everything she's saying. Even remove her or don't speak to her anymore. If she can't respect how you feel or see so evidently that her words make you uncomfortable, you know this person disregards your feelings. 

Avoid google searches. Almost every slighted person feels their ex is a narcissist. Just don't go there. Mind your business and make your life less and less about her. You don't seem to be grasping the idea that your life is in your hands and what you think and feel are all products of your own actions. If you dislike the way she makes you feel or while you're around her or talking with her, don't engage anymore. It's as simple as that. Move on. 

[Billybob]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

Choose not to argue anymore. 

Slow down and stop reacting to everything she's saying. Even remove her or don't speak to her anymore. If she can't respect how you feel or see so evidently that her words make you uncomfortable, you know this person disregards your feelings. 

Avoid google searches. Almost every slighted person feels their ex is a narcissist. Just don't go there. Mind your business and make your life less and less about her. You don't seem to be grasping the idea that your life is in your hands and what you think and feel are all products of your own actions. If you dislike the way she makes you feel or while you're around her or talking with her, don't engage anymore. It's as simple as that. Move on. 

Thank you,  I’v told her exactly what you’ve now said and am not remaining friends. When I told her this she still turned round and said she’s still there for me if I want….  Deep down it’s all about what she wants. 

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Billybob said:

Thank you,  I’v told her exactly what you’ve now said and am not remaining friends. When I told her this she still turned round and said she’s still there for me if I want….  Deep down it’s all about what she wants. 

Maybe to her. But who cares (what she wants). When a relationship ends, care and support fade. It's natural and healthy to let that go and allow new people into your life. Don't hang onto a dead carcass of the past. It's over. You do what you have to do.