No contact after being dumped

[Acacia98]

On 10/28/2021 at 5:28 PM, Billybob said:

what are people’s thoughts on going no contact?  Does it give false hope?   If I don’t attempt to prove me love for her am I ruining my chances by not trying to communicate with her?   She hasn’t told me to stop contacting her, she just won’t reply to any questions that directly include anything to do with the relationship..

Do yourself a favor and go no contact. She's lost interest and the best that you can hope for now is for her to treat you as some kind of annoying plan B. It's not ideal that she doesn't want to give you a concrete reason for the breakup because it makes it harder for you to process things and move on. And all that stuff she says about being there if you need to talk and stuff: she doesn't really mean it. Based on the way she's treated you thus far, if you actually took her up on that offer, she'd get irritated and eventually start ignoring you. To preserve your dignity and give yourself a chance of starting to move on, going no contact is your best bet.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Billybob said:

Your right, I am fuming.. I just think the cheek of the woman, she knows I was deeply upset over the break up.  Look at her actions since, she has no regard for my feelings..

You could have avoided all of this by simply blocking her. You need to take responsibility for leaving yourself open to manipulation. You knew she had no regard for your feelings. You knew she would try to reach out and toy with you. So it truly is disingenuous that you are complaining. It's almost like you're enjoying being victimized/manipulated. Take control of your life by blocking her once and for all.

[Billybob]

There’s something that has come to light this morning..

Iv done so much work in her garden to the value of £4000.. now considering towards the end of the relationship I was slugging my guts out to lay a patio and she knew she wasn’t happy, soon as I had finished it she ended the relationship with in a week..  we needed materials that I got for free off a job but I needed a van to get them to hers etc,  she offerd to lend me £700 to get my van fixed so that I could give her £500 worth of free materials not to mention several days graft to do the job..   

so since I told her today that I wasn’t interested in friends, she’s now giving me a hard time about I owe her this money back. I’m arguing the materials abs my time more than givers this £700 and that I wouldn’t of even needed my van if it wasn’t for her….

I don’t have the money to pay in full, she’s said I could pay by instalments, i suggested I go take my materials back and take down my work and she can pay someone north of £1000 having it fixed…

she said she’ll leave me alone once Iv payed her.  She’s not interested in negotiating or anything..

how do I play this one with looking like a complete arse hole?

[flitzanu]

both of you are really looking for excuses to keep this communication and connection open instead of just blocking her like everyone told you - which would have avoided all of this mess.

do you feel you owe her money?  if you do, then mail a check.  would she bend over and pay you back if this was reversed?

if you don't feel you owe her money, then block her and stop letting her contact you.  

[Billybob]

11 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

both of you are really looking for excuses to keep this communication and connection open instead of just blocking her like everyone told you - which would have avoided all of this mess.

do you feel you owe her money?  if you do, then mail a check.  would she bend over and pay you back if this was reversed?

if you don't feel you owe her money, then block her and stop letting her contact you.  

Do people really block there ex’s after a split up?   
 

she’s trying to make me feel guilty about the money..  if she hasn’t of wanted the work done I wouldn’t of needed my van on the road..   she knew when I was doing the work that she didn’t want me far as im concerned..

she had 4K worth of work out of me for a loan of £1000, I already paid back £300 before we split up..

 

[Lotsgoingon]

You seem to need permission and approval to be able to stand up to this woman. One, that's a red flag for this relationship all along, and a red flag for you in future relationships.

You're writing about her as if she is a vindictive employer, who you depend on for your basic livelihood. 

What do you mean asking what do you say to her?! You say what you want to say. You're an adult. We adults say what we want to say based on the context. The context here is she has no power over you other than the power you psychologically give her.

She doesn't need to agree with you. You don't need her approval. Leave this woman alone. And heads up, it's foolish to do work like this for someone you are merely dating--and this example is the main reason why. If you're married, sure. If you want to do something as a favor, sure.

But here's the thing You don't want to do favors like this for say the first year. She hasn't built that much credibility and trust. You're giving away your trust way too soon, and you're working way too hard. People don't love us more because we work hard for them. 

[Billybob]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You seem to need permission and approval to be able to stand up to this woman. One, that's a red flag for this relationship all along, and a red flag for you in future relationships.

You're writing about her as if she is a vindictive employer, who you depend on for your basic livelihood. 

What do you mean asking what do you say to her?! You say what you want to say. You're an adult. We adults say what we want to say based on the context. The context here is she has no power over you other than the power you psychologically give her.

She doesn't need to agree with you. You don't need her approval. Leave this woman alone. And heads up, it's foolish to do work like this for someone you are merely dating--and this example is the main reason why. If you're married, sure. If you want to do something as a favor, sure.

But here's the thing You don't want to do favors like this for say the first year. She hasn't built that much credibility and trust. You're giving away your trust way too soon, and you're working way too hard. People don't love us more because we work hard for them. 

Guess I see things differently..  I loved the woman and trusted her, I believed in what she sold me….  It’s a case of coming to terms with the fact she broke that trust, I feel used and led on..  I done the right thing in the end and went no contact, and I was happy until she contacted me, maybe I should of blocked her, it just seems such a brutal way to end a relationship that once had love and laughter..    

 

im standing my ground with her now and it’s just causing arguments because everything was always her way or the highway.   Like Iv said before. All the gaslighting she’s done has made me question my sanity… I knew right from wrong as a kid and still do now, I know her actions were wrong and I put up with them just because she said she loved me and said that everything that happened between us good or bad was normal..  oh yeh like her taking to men about her sexual preferences and showing them pics of herself in underwear right under my nose was really normal..

 

[flitzanu]

23 hours ago, Billybob said:

Do people really block there ex’s after a split up?   
 

she’s trying to make me feel guilty about the money..  if she hasn’t of wanted the work done I wouldn’t of needed my van on the road..   she knew when I was doing the work that she didn’t want me far as im concerned..

she had 4K worth of work out of me for a loan of £1000, I already paid back £300 before we split up..

 

yes.  people block exes after a breakup.  she dumped you, thus ending your relationship, and everything afterward is what you are allowing to happen by keeping communication open.

look at it this way, she chose to not have you in her life by dumping you.  now, if you BLOCK her, that means she has to live with that decision to cut you out of her life and not be able to contact you.  there's nothing "childish" about blocking contact from someone so that you can heal.

do you hang up on telemarketers, or block spam phone calls that you don't want to get?  

[Billybob]

4 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

yes.  people block exes after a breakup.  she dumped you, thus ending your relationship, and everything afterward is what you are allowing to happen by keeping communication open.

look at it this way, she chose to not have you in her life by dumping you.  now, if you BLOCK her, that means she has to live with that decision to cut you out of her life and not be able to contact you.  there's nothing "childish" about blocking contact from someone so that you can heal.

do you hang up on telemarketers, or block spam phone calls that you don't want to get?  

Yes I would hang up telemarketing etc..

thing is, I’v definitely been subjected to gaslighting so my reality of right and wrong is in question..    to be told right up until it ended and told after it ended that she loved me more than any other man kept playing over in my head, I kept asking my self why is she ending it because she never gave any real answers…

 

in reality I guess I should of blocked her but deep down in my heart I wanted it to still work out..

 

i realise now that it’s over but her forcing information on me yesterday saying she’s going down the gym and feeling good pissed me off,  because she was always to ill to have sex or to even look after the kids which I done..  it was almost like she was gloating..  so yes I understand if I block her I wouldn’t have to put up with this..

in life I’m the type of person that always asks why 🤷‍♂️

[flitzanu]

3 minutes ago, Billybob said:

Yes I would hang up telemarketing etc..

thing is, I’v definitely been subjected to gaslighting so my reality of right and wrong is in question..    to be told right up until it ended and told after it ended that she loved me more than any other man kept playing over in my head, I kept asking my self why is she ending it because she never gave any real answers…

 

in reality I guess I should of blocked her but deep down in my heart I wanted it to still work out..

 

i realise now that it’s over but her forcing information on me yesterday saying she’s going down the gym and feeling good pissed me off,  because she was always to ill to have sex or to even look after the kids which I done..  it was almost like she was gloating..  so yes I understand if I block her I wouldn’t have to put up with this..

in life I’m the type of person that always asks why 🤷‍♂️

just remember, we've all asked "why" and that's why most of us are here.

nothing we say can convince you, but, just try and remember that WE have all been through this, the same situation as you, and all ended up here.  and now some of us know better, and like to share that info so people can avoid our mistakes.

[Billybob]

Just now, flitzanu said:

just remember, we've all asked "why" and that's why most of us are here.

nothing we say can convince you, but, just try and remember that WE have all been through this, the same situation as you, and all ended up here.  and now some of us know better, and like to share that info so people can avoid our mistakes.

Yes this is true, to be fair people told me 10 months ago her behaviour was outrageous and that things would only get worse.. I allowed her to gaslight me and then I believed anything she told me…

The fact she’s had more men than I had hot dinners in my life did raise red  flags  but again I believed what she told me..

my guy instincts kept telling me her actions weren’t good right from the start..   it was her love bombing that got my hooked..

 

the only question is do I block her. Iv deleted her phone number and blocked her Facebook so far.

[Supernova11]

On 10/28/2021 at 3:28 PM, Billybob said:

My gf that I was with for over a year ended our relationship a week ago

People who end relationships don’t end them because they want to be with you…Dude, I’m really sorry but she doesn’t want a relationship with you and is letting you down gently. It doesn’t even matter why she doesn’t want to be with you, the fact she doesn’t is enough. I know it kills but you need to do whatever it takes to get her out of your head. It’s no reflection on you but she doesn’t want you and you need to do whatever is needed to move on, block from social media if necessary, really get involved in cool hobbies, exercise, find ways to meet new people (not necessarily date). There’s a phrase I found that says your partner should wake up every day and look at you like they’ve won the lottery. Sorry, but your partner doesn’t even want to wake up with you, they did at one point, now they don’t, you have to accept the way she feels has changed, it isn’t about you doing anything to get her back, things have moved on, its life….Look at yourself in the mirror and see the fabulous person staring back at you. You will always be more important than the person you’re dating so decide for yourself today, what are the things that you really want to do for yourself to make you happy.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Billybob said:

deep down in my heart I wanted it to still work out..

Ok good to recognize your reasons for continuing to talk and stay friends. However moving forward is a step in the right direction.

[Billybob]

2 hours ago, Supernova11 said:

People who end relationships don’t end them because they want to be with you…Dude, I’m really sorry but she doesn’t want a relationship with you and is letting you down gently. It doesn’t even matter why she doesn’t want to be with you, the fact she doesn’t is enough. I know it kills but you need to do whatever it takes to get her out of your head. It’s no reflection on you but she doesn’t want you and you need to do whatever is needed to move on, block from social media if necessary, really get involved in cool hobbies, exercise, find ways to meet new people (not necessarily date). There’s a phrase I found that says your partner should wake up every day and look at you like they’ve won the lottery. Sorry, but your partner doesn’t even want to wake up with you, they did at one point, now they don’t, you have to accept the way she feels has changed, it isn’t about you doing anything to get her back, things have moved on, its life….Look at yourself in the mirror and see the fabulous person staring back at you. You will always be more important than the person you’re dating so decide for yourself today, what are the things that you really want to do for yourself to make you happy.

Yeh I know mate. I have come to realise this, I was no contact for 4 days and everything was going well until she contacted me, I had to retell 

her I wasn’t interested in friendship so didn’t need to know what she was doing etc. This person is toxic period and she’ll continue to be this way even with the next guy and the one after him..

Iv had my eyes opened, the only question now is weather i should block her or not. I truly don’t believe she’ll be txting me anymore unless it’s about money…

I’ m at the stage I feel angry for putting up with all her crap just for her to end it, I should of walked months ago…

[Tommy0777]

On 11/11/2021 at 3:49 PM, Billybob said:

Yeh I know mate. I have come to realise this, I was no contact for 4 days and everything was going well until she contacted me, I had to retell 

her I wasn’t interested in friendship so didn’t need to know what she was doing etc. This person is toxic period and she’ll continue to be this way even with the next guy and the one after him..

Iv had my eyes opened, the only question now is weather i should block her or not. I truly don’t believe she’ll be txting me anymore unless it’s about money…

I’ m at the stage I feel angry for putting up with all her crap just for her to end it, I should of walked months ago…

Any update? I am almost in the same situation. My ex wanted to be "best friend" and with benefit. I told her no but she had an emergency and contacted me and talked for a few days. after a few days of getting our standing in relationship, she still just want to be best friend even though I still think we can work it out. haven't spoke to her for 5 days now.and she texted me 4days ago. I need encouragement lol.

Edited December 5, 2021 by Tommy0777

[torn_heart]

8 minutes ago, Tommy0777 said:

Any update? I am almost in the same situation. My ex wanted to be "best friend" and with benefit. I told her no but she had an emergency and contacted me and talked for a few days. after a few days of getting our standing in relationship, she still just want to be best friend even though I still think we can work it out. haven't spoke to her for 5 days now.and she texted me 4days ago. I need encouragement lol.

Run!

Beign the emotional support of someone who cannot commit with you is the worst, because they want you to be there for them and you can't count on them when you need them or even in the day to day. You're being used!!

[Tommy0777]

2 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Run!

Beign the emotional support of someone who cannot commit with you is the worst, because they want you to be there for them and you can't count on them when you need them or even in the day to day. You're being used!!

well I was going through stuff as well. we are both caring for each other emotional support that is why I'm confused. But she doesn't want to work our relationship out and want me to move on because she doesn't see it will work out because of external event.

Edited December 5, 2021 by Tommy0777

[torn_heart]

5 minutes ago, Tommy0777 said:

well I was going through stuff as well. we are both caring for each other emotional support that is why I'm confused. But she doesn't want to work our relationship out and want me to move on because she doesn't see it will work out because of external event.

It has happened exactly the same, she had one family member sick and then died, and I had my mom in the hospital, but I was always there, and when I needed her she was some of the time (I'm not needy, but there were very difficult episodes). Just atch out, I do think it's the worse when they use you like that, it's like the definition of friend zone.

And FYi, when I needed her she wasn't mouring her family member or anything, she was with friends or shopping...

Edited December 5, 2021 by torn_heart

[Tommy0777]

1 minute ago, torn_heart said:

It has happened exactly the same, she had one family sick and then died, and I had my mom in the hospital, but I was always there, and when I needed her she was some of the time (I'm not needy, but there were very difficult episodes). Just atch out, I do think it's the worse when they use you like that, it's like the definition of friend zone.

She has told me that she is going to keep all of our pictures and stuff so that's why its confusing. And I have asked her about my emotional support as well when she needed me first. I am inching to ask her why am I being friend zone like that because of your reply. She is honest and nice person that's why I don't think we are both intention of harm.

[torn_heart]

5 minutes ago, Tommy0777 said:

She has told me that she is going to keep all of our pictures and stuff so that's why its confusing. And I have asked her about my emotional support as well when she needed me first. I am inching to ask her why am I being friend zone like that because of your reply. She is honest and nice person that's why I don't think we are both intention of harm.

No, I don't think she means harm, but you might be harming yourself leeting her friendzoning you. Think about it, she doesn't want commitment, you are her emotional support until she finds someone else and then she will drop the "best friends" thing, and in the case you enter the friend zone and start dating, you won't be really emotionally available because you will feel commited to her. 

[Tommy0777]

5 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

No, I don't think she means harm, but you might be harming yourself leeting her friendzoning you. Think about it, she doesn't want commitment, you are her emotional support until she finds someone else and then she will drop the "best friends" thing, and in the case you enter the friend zone and start dating, you won't be really emotionally available because you will feel commited to her. 

I don’t know how to move on then... even when she decline to work things out and told me she’s going to keep pictures of us and want to still be there but not in a relationship wise because of her hard times (CPS). I was helping her but I felt like I’m used and she felt fine but then I haven’t talk to her and I felt like I lost her and scared... I feel lonely and no one to talk to that understand 

[Billybob]

On 12/5/2021 at 11:27 PM, Tommy0777 said:

Any update? I am almost in the same situation. My ex wanted to be "best friend" and with benefit. I told her no but she had an emergency and contacted me and talked for a few days. after a few days of getting our standing in relationship, she still just want to be best friend even though I still think we can work it out. haven't spoke to her for 5 days now.and she texted me 4days ago. I need encouragement lol.

Hi Tommy, sorry you’re going threw similar experiences, I have learnt a lot about rights and wrong and people’s behaviour etc,..

When my ex ended it or I should say discarded me, no explanation,  validation or closure no nothing basically,   It got to the point she wanted to remain friends and said it would be hugely beneficial..  because everyone in life from friends or family to relationship coaches said you should never accept the offer of friendship if you want you ex back!    Instead you should go no contact to allow your ex to miss you to the point they realise life was better with you and they come back..  basically it’s better than begging and acting desperately as these are not attractive traits and it makes things easier for the other person etc..

[Billybob]

Basically what happened one day was I started no contact and 3 days later she txt me at 10pm asking how I was..  I replied the next morning “I’m ok thanks, hope your doing too!”     She txt back saying Shes doing good and that she joined a gym and getting stronger..   

 

now I didn’t ask her how she was doing, I stated hope you are well to..   it played on my mind why she would be saying this!?  The o my thing I can think of is she was trying to rub my nose in it or make me chase her? Because at that point I’d been no contact 3 days and had said before I went no contact that I couldn’t be friends as it was soon…

I ended up replying saying why are you telling me this, just to reiterate we’re not friends I don’t need to know what your doing or who you’re doing it with..

this was met with a thumbs up 👍 and can you pay me back my money you owe me..

It led to a heated argument, over the past 6 months I’d managed to obtain £1300 in wood for free and complete work constructing sheds to the street value of £3200 all for free..  to get this wood to hers I needed £1000 to fix my van as it was out of use, I was using my car for work but it wasn’t big enough to get the wood to hers so she offers to lend me money to fix my van as it would ultimately save her money..

I think it was early mid September she ended the relationship but we got back together 2 weeks later.  I then ended up starting a new project for her, I levelled off her back garden over a 4 day period and laid a patio and  S shaped path..  this was back breaking work and I remember working 1 Sunday from 8am until 5:30 and didn’t even stop for more than 10 mins all day…. So all in all I’m estimating I saved her over £4000 in materials and labour costs should she of used a company..

so when she started asking for her money I had already paid back £300 of it whilst working for free…. Which I didn’t mind because it was for our future…

i didn’t have the money, due to many reasons, I had a tax bill to pay plus with Christmas coming up and lost revenue from work December and January alone was going to cost me £6000..

I got a little angry and reminded her of all the work I had done and told her to show some gratitude and respect, she refused to acknowledge anything Iv done for her instead saying I promised to pay her back so pay her. In the end she knew I didn’t have the money even if I wanted to pay her…  she said she’ll be back in touch come January for her money..

in reality I don’t owe her anything for everything Iv done for her but morally yes I still owe her £700 even if I saved her £4000..  she wasn’t prepared to consider this and show any gratitude or negotiate..

Not once since we split up despite her claiming she loved me so much has she shown any remorse, empathy or real concern for how I was doing other than offering advice when my cat died..

During the argument over this money, she has called me bitter and delusional as if I should of been happy and appreciative towards her for ending the relationship in the way that she did..

I was clearly hurting and she knew it.. 

I tried twice over 2 week period to say sorry about the argument and explained why stating I has no choice in the relationship ending and that it was her decision alone..  

I got ghosted with no reply both times.

I sent a 3rd txt saying if your going to ignore me all the time why didn’t you just block me from day 1? So she blocked my phone with out reply..

couple weeks went past and I couldn’t believe things were as they are so I decided to unblock her Facebook which I blocked when we first split up and explained my side of the story and apologised for things I had said during the argument..

she said she believed me and thanked me for the message..

All though I still remain blocked on her phone she’s left the Facebook unblocked, I expected her to get my message and block me but she didn’t..

I sent a message couple weeks ago asking how she doing and she replied saying she was coping ok, take care.

I asked her if saying take care was a polite way of telling me to f*** off, she said not at all, I wish you well,   Same meaning I guess?

that’s basically it. Iv not contacted her since and I won’t be.. she’s an adult, if she realises she made a mistake she can contact me..

it looks highly unlikely now that she’ll contact me asking for money come January but who knows..

with it being Christmas and everything it’s got me down. I had been doing ok, working hard, communicating with other people even talking with other women but I’m not ready to start dating yet..

Im trying to learn from this relationship and heel, I think I fall into the co-dependant and empath category, I’m also 90% certain she’s narcissistic, the way in which she treated me with love bombing, manipulation, controlling, gaslighting, narcissistic rages, her lack of boundaries, impulsive spending and behaviour, her constant need for attention and admiration hence why she talks so freely about her sexual desire with other men in front of me etc..

knowing what I know I really shouldn’t want this person in my life but considering my personality traits I’d forgive her tomorrow.,

life was at times difficult and stressful with her but it’s boring and mundane without her, not to mention everyone else I know saying it’s normal for long term relationships to be stressful and difficult…

i was still happier with her than I am with out her..   once I move past Christmas and into the new year I hope I feel better again..  only thing on my mind is weather she’ll be in contact again..

 

 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Billybob said:

This was met with a thumbs up 👍 and can you pay me back my money you owe me..

Sorry this is happening. Did you bill her for the work you performed on her property? 

Since you paid her back partially, it establishes that the money was a loan rather than a gift. 

Unfortunately a lender has the right to contact you to collect owed money.

The best thing you can do is decide where this owed money and labor you performed stands legally.

Once you sever these financial ties, it will be easier to cut all ties and move forward.

Edited December 26, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Billybob]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Did you bill her for the work you performed on her property? 

Since you paid her back partially, it establishes that the money was a loan rather than a gift. 

Unfortunately a lender has the right to contact you to collect owed money.

The best thing you can do is decide where this owed money and labor you performed stands legally.

Once you sever these financial ties, it will be easier to cut all ties and move forward.

Hi again,

originally it was a loan but it was a loan to save her money in the long run. As you are aware I constantly gave to this woman in so many ways, and got little in return other than more demands.  This is why I think she’s narcissistic,  I did everything she says she needed from me but nothing I did was enough.  She constantly found fault and telling me I had to be strong for her.  How could I with the amount of grief she gave me??

I worked out that she meets healthy happy men and due to her narcissistic behaviour she breaks these men over time and when they become broken and the her actions turn the relationship toxic she discards them and move onto the next person, wash, rinse and repeat…

moraly you could argue I owe this money but after all the work I did for her for nothing which I would of charged a paying customer over £4000 for, all I asked from her was to show some respect and gratitude for everything I had done and I got nothing… had she of been more grateful and remorseful I’d of paid no questions asked..

legaly you are allowed to gift someone upto £3000. There’s no evidence it was a loan..  the only legal sticking point is when we got engaged abs she payed £8000 on deposits my signature was required and she could potentially ask for half of any lost money..

I told her I felt used and betrayed and that Iv ended up like every other man she gets with hoping for her to look at her actions but unfortunately she has no self awareness.

when we split up and got back together I remember her arrogantly saying she not going to apologise for her actions to this point neither will she apologise for her actions going forward..

Iv realised as much as I’m still hurting I can’t force her to want me or for her to look at her toxic self.. 

she’ll be making the same mistakes next relationship until that person realises her behaviour is wrong but it’ll be to late for him, he’ll be another victim like the rest of us ex’s..

I don’t think she’ll be asking for this money now that she’s blocked me unless she wants to use it as an accuse to contact me..

there’s been nothing stopping her reaching out and saying sorry and asking how I’m doing etc..  maybe she’s hurting more than I realise and it’s been difficult for her?  I really don’t know! It appears it’s been easy for her to cut me lose and ignore me..   but my research has taught me this can be a normal reaction to a person that ended a relationship..  

If she’s narcissistic or not the relationship coach that I spoke with said this problem is on her and of her own doing..  do I really want to be with a cold aloof woman that thinks it’s acceptable to talk about her sexual desires to other men in front of me with little or no regard to my feelings!? It’s lacks boundaries and respect for me.?

narcissistic people don’t have any boundaries.. she clearly has none, but I do, I have integrity, morales and boundaries, unfortunately she constantly stepped over all mine and I allowed it, her actions went unpunished so she continued to do it.  In the future I shall be stating my boundaries loud and clear and if they constantly get pushed I will take firm action. No one will manipulate me like that again..

if she doesn’t ask for the money I’m sensing I won’t hear from her again until the point she’s down on her luck and she remembers how good I was to her. It’ll be all to late for her..

I’m still in a vulnerable place where she could  influence me not sure she knows this….  My well being is no longer in her hands.