I have been one month no contact and I feel a LOT better, but I am still blaming myself - is it wrong to be doing this?

[Valor]

My exgf and I had a relationship for about 4.5 years, and it was anything but healthy. At the beginning it was fine, but towards the end there was a lot of fighting. On her side, she was dismissing my feelings, assuming how I feel(e.g. I tell her I feel xyz and she legit goes 'no, you FEEL 123'), poor communication and on my side was me being mean to her and fed up with the fights, they legit went in circles. She was also extremely manipulative, telling me I'll never find another girl who will be as chill and laid back as her, telling me I won't find girls who are like minded(regarding covid, yet I have met PLENTY going on a few dates and just meeting girls lol at bars, etc) , she gaslighted me a lot as well. It deteriorated my confidence a lot as well, I felt like I could never do better with a girlfriend, and it began to extend to I can just never do better with my life in general(all aspects, friends, work, etc).

When she broke up with me she was upset, and told me maybe in the future we will reconnect when I fix myself...as time progressed I try to reconnect but she tells me off and curses me out, then curses me out again and says to leave her alone. I do, but then she curses me out for not trying for her going out with my friends. She gets angry I eventually I hook up with someone(4 weeks after she left me), after telling she told me to get lost, just a laundry list of hypocritical, non-logical, stuff. Claiming I cheated on her when I tried moving on and living my life...after she goes back and forth with what she wants and left me and treated me extremely poor.

 

I'm well aware my exgf was quite toxic and illogical, and it has helped me moved on realizing that. But I can't quite help but feel it's my fall I pushed her to the "edge". When things were good, she was there for me, she'd pick me up in the middle of nowhere she had too, she'd do anything for me, she had qualities that made her an AMAZING girlfriend and I just feel if maybe I wasn't so mean to her she wouldn't have been so...toxic. My therapist told me that I can't be responsible for another's actions and these are her true colors that eventually just came out. My ex has told me that she hopes I get an STD, that I rot, and when I called her out for being toxic she got livid(like she LOST it) and she said she was justified in her actions and told me I am less to her than the gum on her shoe...just very dehumanizing. I definitely expressed frustration out to her during our time together, but I never dehumanized her like that. I also very clearly told me things that bothered me, in great detail, and she just got really irritated that she could be wrong. 

 

Still it just feels like I pushed her to the edge, which I feel horrible and being single has given me clarity to work on what toxic traits I have(as well as being honest w/ myself and going to therapy). At the end of the day though, I was able to write them all up to her and apologize and she just cursed me out. But I still feel like it's my fault. I really feel I pushed her to the edge, I mean doesn't anyone snap after a point? But at the same token, she pushed me to the edge, and I never treated her the way she treated me, so maybe she isn't really as good as a person she claims she was when she cursed me out..

 

Just a bit upset still, but I feel free at the same time. Maybe somebody can talk some sense into me. I don't want her back, that's for sure. There's no delusion there, I truly don't think she's a good person. The way she dismissed and dehumanized that beggar in front of me that one time, I think it should have been my red flag for me to go. I know I can do better, and I know I can be better, I just feel a lot of shame and know I made tons of mistakes that I've realized and grown from.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Edited October 28, 2021 by HurtByLove223

[glows]

There is usually some guilt involved at the fall out of a relationship, regardless of what happened. It's important you recognize that it is the end of the relationship and slowly wean yourself off of feeling so disproportionately responsible. The more you keep speaking with someone who brings you down or isn't able to forgive you, curses you out and is abusive, the more you open yourself up to a constant cycle or loop you can't seem to get out of. 

Don't speak with her anymore and truly accept it's over. Lean on friends and family, good people whom you trust and can count on. And if that is few and far between, return to your other commitments and things you have to complete. Don't fall off track. 

[Valor]

30 minutes ago, glows said:

There is usually some guilt involved at the fall out of a relationship, regardless of what happened. It's important you recognize that it is the end of the relationship and slowly wean yourself off of feeling so disproportionately responsible. The more you keep speaking with someone who brings you down or isn't able to forgive you, curses you out and is abusive, the more you open yourself up to a constant cycle or loop you can't seem to get out of. 

Don't speak with her anymore and truly accept it's over. Lean on friends and family, good people whom you trust and can count on. And if that is few and far between, return to your other commitments and things you have to complete. Don't fall off track. 

I recognize the end is here, and accepted it but damn do I sometimes I feel like I lost a "gem" and I think it's also me highlighting her good aspects and totally disregarding the bad side of her she doesn't even want to work on.

[flitzanu]

sounds like you should be grateful that she's gone, she sounds like a lunatic.

she isn't a "gem" that you've lost, the way you describe her treatment of you is not how people are supposed to treat each other if they are in love.  be happy she's gone and that she can be someone else's problem.

[Johnson1]

2 hours ago, HurtByLove223 said:

My exgf and I had a relationship for about 4.5 years, and it was anything but healthy. At the beginning it was fine, but towards the end there was a lot of fighting. On her side, she was dismissing my feelings, assuming how I feel(e.g. I tell her I feel xyz and she legit goes 'no, you FEEL 123'), poor communication and on my side was me being mean to her and fed up with the fights, they legit went in circles. She was also extremely manipulative, telling me I'll never find another girl who will be as chill and laid back as her, telling me I won't find girls who are like minded(regarding covid, yet I have met PLENTY going on a few dates and just meeting girls lol at bars, etc) , she gaslighted me a lot as well. It deteriorated my confidence a lot as well, I felt like I could never do better with a girlfriend, and it began to extend to I can just never do better with my life in general(all aspects, friends, work, etc).

When she broke up with me she was upset, and told me maybe in the future we will reconnect when I fix myself...as time progressed I try to reconnect but she tells me off and curses me out, then curses me out again and says to leave her alone. I do, but then she curses me out for not trying for her going out with my friends. She gets angry I eventually I hook up with someone(4 weeks after she left me), after telling she told me to get lost, just a laundry list of hypocritical, non-logical, stuff. Claiming I cheated on her when I tried moving on and living my life...after she goes back and forth with what she wants and left me and treated me extremely poor.

 

I'm well aware my exgf was quite toxic and illogical, and it has helped me moved on realizing that. But I can't quite help but feel it's my fall I pushed her to the "edge". When things were good, she was there for me, she'd pick me up in the middle of nowhere she had too, she'd do anything for me, she had qualities that made her an AMAZING girlfriend and I just feel if maybe I wasn't so mean to her she wouldn't have been so...toxic. My therapist told me that I can't be responsible for another's actions and these are her true colors that eventually just came out. My ex has told me that she hopes I get an STD, that I rot, and when I called her out for being toxic she got livid(like she LOST it) and she said she was justified in her actions and told me I am less to her than the gum on her shoe...just very dehumanizing. I definitely expressed frustration out to her during our time together, but I never dehumanized her like that. I also very clearly told me things that bothered me, in great detail, and she just got really irritated that she could be wrong. 

 

Still it just feels like I pushed her to the edge, which I feel horrible and being single has given me clarity to work on what toxic traits I have(as well as being honest w/ myself and going to therapy). At the end of the day though, I was able to write them all up to her and apologize and she just cursed me out. But I still feel like it's my fault. I really feel I pushed her to the edge, I mean doesn't anyone snap after a point? But at the same token, she pushed me to the edge, and I never treated her the way she treated me, so maybe she isn't really as good as a person she claims she was when she cursed me out..

 

Just a bit upset still, but I feel free at the same time. Maybe somebody can talk some sense into me. I don't want her back, that's for sure. There's no delusion there, I truly don't think she's a good person. The way she dismissed and dehumanized that beggar in front of me that one time, I think it should have been my red flag for me to go. I know I can do better, and I know I can be better, I just feel a lot of shame and know I made tons of mistakes that I've realized and grown from.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

I just got out of a year and a half relationship where we were engaged. It was toxic as all get out, just like yours. Contradict everything, hypocritical, she would start fights when she got incoherently drunk, was dismissive of feelings, would curse me out, twist words, make insulting remarks, roll hers eyes, act haughty, etc. Despite good qualities someone has, doing these things is a classic trait of a narcissist. That's what they do. Try to wreck your confidence by making you feel worthless and guilty. It boosts their ego  They'll blame you for everything and never say they're sorry for anything. My fiance finally apologized through text a month after we broke up, but I never answered back because it was only sent to relieve her guilt. Stonewalling a narcissist/gaslighter is the only choice, otherwise they'll drag you back in for more emotional abuse. It takes time to get over, but if I were you I'd never go back. I didn't.

Edited October 28, 2021 by Vocals5

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, HurtByLove223 said:

I feel free at the same time.. I don't want her back, that's for sure. There's no delusion there, I truly don't think she's a good person.

Excellent on two counts.

One is you're free of all this, the other is that your instincts are intact and your self respect is operating on all cylinders.

All you have to do is delete and block her and all her people from all you social media and messaging apps.

Play the field, chill, regroup, retool and do whatever you want for yourself.

No offense, but she  sounds like a  real witch.🎃🧹

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, HurtByLove223 said:

sometimes I feel like I lost a "gem"

If this is a "gem" for you, I cringe to imagine what other sorts of relationships you have had in the past. 

But it suggests how dysfunctional your own thinking has become, and why you badly need to stay away from her. 

[Valor]

On 10/28/2021 at 2:27 PM, flitzanu said:

sounds like you should be grateful that she's gone, she sounds like a lunatic.

she isn't a "gem" that you've lost, the way you describe her treatment of you is not how people are supposed to treat each other if they are in love.  be happy she's gone and that she can be someone else's problem.

I think what clouded me a lot was the fact that I was very attracted to her - she is very pretty, in shape and has a great hourglass figure. We also had great sexual compatibility, and the level of shared intimacy was very much appreciated. I believe those things have clouded my judgement a lot and being out of college, it's harder to meet women. In college, I was meeting women left and right, really meeting people left and right because they were just everywhere, my classes, in the dorms, clubs, etc. It was soooo much easier.

 

 

[Valor]

On 10/28/2021 at 3:06 PM, Vocals5 said:

I just got out of a year and a half relationship where we were engaged. It was toxic as all get out, just like yours. Contradict everything, hypocritical, she would start fights when she got incoherently drunk, was dismissive of feelings, would curse me out, twist words, make insulting remarks, roll hers eyes, act haughty, etc. Despite good qualities someone has, doing these things is a classic trait of a narcissist. That's what they do. Try to wreck your confidence by making you feel worthless and guilty. It boosts their ego  They'll blame you for everything and never say they're sorry for anything. My fiance finally apologized through text a month after we broke up, but I never answered back because it was only sent to relieve her guilt. Stonewalling a narcissist/gaslighter is the only choice, otherwise they'll drag you back in for more emotional abuse. It takes time to get over, but if I were you I'd never go back. I didn't.

I won't go back, I don't even think my ex would want me back anyways. Who knows what's she is doing but yes, during arguement she would twist what I would say or 'massage' it until a totally different intention of what I've said. It just sucks cause it's like when I met her she was sweet, patient, good, a great girlfriend and then she began to delve into this monster that she doesn't show other people and it makes me feel like I pushed her to that. I've tried to tell myself I was intimate with her dated her, and saw the real side of her but dang, it sucks.

 

I remember one time we got into a huge argument, like talking about ending our relationship, and then an hour later we went out to see her friends. She was all over me, pretending to be super happy with me and everything. So fake.

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, HurtByLove223 said:

I won't go back, I don't even think my ex would want me back anyways. Who knows what's she is doing but yes, during arguement she would twist what I would say or 'massage' it until a totally different intention of what I've said. It just sucks cause it's like when I met her she was sweet, patient, good, a great girlfriend and then she began to delve into this monster that she doesn't show other people and it makes me feel like I pushed her to that. I've tried to tell myself I was intimate with her dated her, and saw the real side of her but dang, it sucks.

 

I remember one time we got into a huge argument, like talking about ending our relationship, and then an hour later we went out to see her friends. She was all over me, pretending to be super happy with me and everything. So fake.

You didn't turn her into a monster. But let's go along with the myth that you did for a second. Let's pretend that you pushed her so far that she became this terrible person. If that was indeed the case, my friend, then by ending things, you have both set her free to find her "true angelic self." Ending your relationship is a positive. No contact is the icing on the cake.

You see what I'm getting at, don't you? Basically, whether or not you're to blame for her actions, it is a good thing your relationship is over. And it's important for you to completely stop communicating with each other so that you both have room to breathe, reflect, learn lessons, and become wiser people with better relationship skills and a better sense of who you are compatible with.

I think it's also important to point out that you both made mistakes in this relationship. Take ownership of yours. And allow her to take ownership of hers. That last bit is very important. If you don't allow her to take responsibility for what she did wrong, then you won't have a true understanding of what actually happened in your relationship and the odds of your ending up in a similar situation down the road will be high.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, HurtByLove223 said:

 I was very attracted to her - she is very pretty, in shape and has a great hourglass figure. 

Ok that explains a lot. Here is an education video on this phenomenon.:

 

[Valor]

On 10/30/2021 at 5:32 AM, Acacia98 said:

You didn't turn her into a monster. But let's go along with the myth that you did for a second. Let's pretend that you pushed her so far that she became this terrible person. If that was indeed the case, my friend, then by ending things, you have both set her free to find her "true angelic self." Ending your relationship is a positive. No contact is the icing on the cake.

You see what I'm getting at, don't you? Basically, whether or not you're to blame for her actions, it is a good thing your relationship is over. And it's important for you to completely stop communicating with each other so that you both have room to breathe, reflect, learn lessons, and become wiser people with better relationship skills and a better sense of who you are compatible with.

I think it's also important to point out that you both made mistakes in this relationship. Take ownership of yours. And allow her to take ownership of hers. That last bit is very important. If you don't allow her to take responsibility for what she did wrong, then you won't have a true understanding of what actually happened in your relationship and the odds of your ending up in a similar situation down the road will be high.

Yeah I know...she was dismissive of my feelings and was impossible to argue with, before or after the relationship. She broke up with me because she thought I would do everything she wanted and when I didn't do what she envisioned, she got angry. Apparently I was supposed to win her back in a specific way that she envisioned in her mind. It isn't rational or logical at all, and a lot of her points were very hypocritical and I'm pretty sure she lied to me as well.

 

One thing about the end of the relationship is that when I was able to get out of funk/depression, I realized exactly what I did wrong and that I hurt her and felt immense amounts of guilt and shame. I apologized to her profusely. When I mentioned she may have done some wrong doing(not even fully blaming just explaining my PoV), she simply doubled down and yelled at me and said I deserved it or said I was saying everything was her fault, 100 percent. I think the difference between my ex and I is I am able to view myself from the outside and am willing to work on myself. My ex sees our relationship as black and white, where it is either my fault or her fault there is no grey area or healthy discussion of what went wrong - she simply LOST it if I dared suggest she did something wrong. She would even make up her own reality where she would go off on a tangent, saying stuff that wasn't true(such as I never apologized, words I never said) to fit her narrative to allow her to justify leaving me(or least that's how I interpreted it).

 

Just no reasoning with her ever, I am well aware of that, and truth be told she may never fix herself with her behavior. Shame I still care about her, I guess I am maybe a bit more messed up from this relationship than I want to admit.

[Valor]

On 10/30/2021 at 6:30 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Ok that explains a lot. Here is an education video on this phenomenon.:

 

Haha I'm not sure how that really explained the phenomenon but my ex is def in the no go crazy side.

[glows]

52 minutes ago, HurtByLove223 said:

Yeah I know...she was dismissive of my feelings and was impossible to argue with, before or after the relationship. She broke up with me because she thought I would do everything she wanted and when I didn't do what she envisioned, she got angry. Apparently I was supposed to win her back in a specific way that she envisioned in her mind. It isn't rational or logical at all, and a lot of her points were very hypocritical and I'm pretty sure she lied to me as well.

 

One thing about the end of the relationship is that when I was able to get out of funk/depression, I realized exactly what I did wrong and that I hurt her and felt immense amounts of guilt and shame. I apologized to her profusely. When I mentioned she may have done some wrong doing(not even fully blaming just explaining my PoV), she simply doubled down and yelled at me and said I deserved it or said I was saying everything was her fault, 100 percent. I think the difference between my ex and I is I am able to view myself from the outside and am willing to work on myself. My ex sees our relationship as black and white, where it is either my fault or her fault there is no grey area or healthy discussion of what went wrong - she simply LOST it if I dared suggest she did something wrong. She would even make up her own reality where she would go off on a tangent, saying stuff that wasn't true(such as I never apologized, words I never said) to fit her narrative to allow her to justify leaving me(or least that's how I interpreted it).

 

Just no reasoning with her ever, I am well aware of that, and truth be told she may never fix herself with her behavior. Shame I still care about her, I guess I am maybe a bit more messed up from this relationship than I want to admit.

One thing I am noticing in your writing is that you move to/from extremes: apologizing profusely and yet now harbouring regret and intense resentment towards her. Why should you apologize profusely? Once is enough and then step back and let the other person time to receive that or process what's going on. Spend more time understanding why you're attracted to people who are so unkind, awful, rude towards others or just cruel in general. Learn to avoid these people or anyone who treats others badly and don't become like her either. 

[Valor]

47 minutes ago, glows said:

One thing I am noticing in your writing is that you move to/from extremes: apologizing profusely and yet now harbouring regret and intense resentment towards her. Why should you apologize profusely? Once is enough and then step back and let the other person time to receive that or process what's going on. Spend more time understanding why you're attracted to people who are so unkind, awful, rude towards others or just cruel in general. Learn to avoid these people or anyone who treats others badly and don't become like her either. 

Yeah once was enough but when I apologized before no contact, she kept dismissing it and I guess it upset me that she didn't understand that I apologized. Now I realize she was just manipulating me, but yeah. She attacked me for moving on and talking to other girls but then refused to see me and work things out, didn't really make much sense and i felt guilty trying to move on for a long time.

 

Sadly I think the reason why I am still so attracted to her is not for her attitude but I haven't really found anyone I vibed with. Truth be told we had a very active and compatible sexual lifestyle and all the girls i've dated or been with since that haven't really compared..perhaps a bit shallow but I think it may be the case unfortunately. And as 'shallow' it may be, sexual compatibility IS important.

Edited November 1, 2021 by HurtByLove223

[glows]

The apology to me (though through good intentions on your part) may be too little too late and inappropriate given that the relationship is over and you both ended on searing terms. You call her manipulative but you are also seeking attention and approval from her in some ways by reaching out after the break up. Let sleeping dogs lie in future and let things go. You got it off your chest by apologizing but it doesn't mean that the other party has to listen to you or accept what you have to say either. If she attacks you or is less than gracious, it means she doesn't want to have anything to do with you. 

Do move on. Closure comes from you, within you. Not from her or outside approval. You can do this. Move on and put this behind you. You don't need her to give you that.

[Valor]

Just now, glows said:

The apology to me (though through good intentions on your part) may be too little too late and inappropriate given that the relationship is over and you both ended on searing terms. You call her manipulative but you are also seeking attention and approval from her in some ways by reaching out after the break up. Let sleeping dogs lie in future and let things go. You got it off your chest by apologizing but it doesn't mean that the other party has to listen to you or accept what you have to say either. If she attacks you or is less than gracious, it means she doesn't want to have anything to do with you. 

Do move on. Closure comes from you, within you. Not from her or outside approval. You can do this. Move on and put this behind you. You don't need her to give you that.

I did stop talking to her though, and stopped when she asked. We haven't talked over a month now. Only reason I kept trying was cause she was telling me that I needed to try harder and what not.

[glows]

2 minutes ago, HurtByLove223 said:

I did stop talking to her though, and stopped when she asked. We haven't talked over a month now. Only reason I kept trying was cause she was telling me that I needed to try harder and what not.

That's good. Keep doing your own thing and stay single for awhile. I saw the addition about sexual compatibility. I agree with you but don't rush it. You'll find others you'll vibe with. Please don't ever worry about something like that. Loneliness may be a real thing right now and overwhelming but stay in touch with your friends and those who care about you. Let this relationship go.

[Valor]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

That's good. Keep doing your own thing and stay single for awhile. I saw the addition about sexual compatibility. I agree with you but don't rush it. You'll find others you'll vibe with. Please don't ever worry about something like that. Loneliness may be a real thing right now and overwhelming but stay in touch with your friends and those who care about you. Let this relationship go.

Yeah I do need to be single, I thought maybe I should seek another relationship out at first but then realized I need to heal and I have enjoyed being single. I feel really free, and my social circle has gotten better as well as my social life in general. I feel I was too dependent on my ex due to personal issues and family life, so having to build myself up again was a challenge but so far it feels refreshing and empowering.

 

I do try to not think about my ex, I don't follow her on socials or the like but my brain seems to enjoy hurting/torturing me because it likes to make me think about my ex and wonder what she's doing, "oh maybe she found someone", etc. It would be great if my brain would stop trying to get me to think about my ex and what not...

 

As far as the sexual aspect, it's the only real thing I miss about being with her at this point. I accepted she wasn't a good girlfriend, we fought a lot and funnily enough - we had sex to make our problems go away. I feel sex in our relationship was used to compensate other issues, by blinding us with a good time. And the sex was good, and I haven't found a partner that has given me the same experience or better - i feel that lack of finding someone better sexually is what makes me cling onto her, because it makes me feel like I lost the best experience I could ever have had(sexually speaking).

 

Even in terms of meeting new, other girls. It's hard, I can't just walk up to every girl I see on the street. I'm out of school and the social circles are more defined and not as open, it's harder to meet new people and dating apps are a bit of a joke/tiresome. I'm mostly focusing on my friends and not really chasing women(I did for a bit after we broke up) as much but, I do really miss intimacy with another person, and sadly I feel that standard is very high, even if my ex was subpar in other areas.