My dad has been psychologically abusive and belittled me all my life and I spent my life trying to prove him wrong

[lovers]

When I was a kid my dad would make me feel like im dumb. He would give me questions and if I didn't answer them quick enough or if I get them wrong he would say that I am stupid and will never amount to anything. If I got a C which was rare all hell would break loose. I got so scared couple times where I would try to intercept the mail and burn or flush it down the toilet.  I always helped out my dad with car work, yard work, getting lots of groceries with him for his food business as a kid. Just try to help out and please him but it was never good enough. In high school I got good grades and got into a good university which allowed me to get away for awhile. I would never come home, probably best years of my life. I remember breaking down in tears while I was in the library in college when I was thinking about my relationship with my dad. I never really delve into my emotions or I tried to bury it which shows that I have alot of deep seated resentment towards him.

I took summer classes and stayed away for good 4 years, but due to my ignorance of the real world, not getting good enough grades, and lack of direction in life I moved back home. My dad threatened to give me 6 months or he will kick me out of the house. For me I always wanted to try to do the "right thing" take a break for a bit. Work and pay down my student loans while I figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Why would I want to go back to graduate school for whatever and be in tons more debt for something that may not have a good future? 

During that period my dad made my life horrible. Things he would do would be if I was going to work in the morning he would purposely try to meet me while I am exiting the house and shake his head. I always try to avoid my dad so my dad would relay comments to my mom who would to tell me. Just overall negative stuff like he is disappointed in me, that I am a failure/loser. My dad and I had alot of hidden tension against one another. s*** hurts when you try to please your dad. I try to block the noise. I tried to avoid going home and would hang out in the library, go to the park by myself. When I got home I would immediately go in my room and practically lock myself in there. I never attended family functions because my dads side of the family are difficult people too. Any profession that I was thinking of pursing my mom would gossip about it to my relatives which they would talk about it negatively and my mom would tell me which would kill my desire.

My relatives are hyper competitive so I would hear bragging about my so and so son is doing this and all the money he is going to make. Its like when you try to get up off the ground by thinking of a profession you want to do they kick you down and rub sand in your already open wounds. My plan was to continue to work, pay down my student debt, get some experiences (never worked before), and eventually go back to school with a solid plan. 4 years passed and during that time I took pre req classes, worked got some experience, paid off my student debt, and saved some money.

I was trying to get into PA school for 2 cycles didn't get in and I got into nursing school so decided not to wait and just go for it. I always kept it a secret because I know word would get around and they will belittle that too. One day my dad goes you can't be doing these crappy jobs forever and I just flat out told him I am going to nursing school 3000 miles away which was like a FU to him. Couple weeks passed I packed up my bags got in my car and drove off. Now I graduated I work in a different state away from my family. I make over 6 figures and am completely independent, and saved/invested a good chunk of money with only 2 years of working. I am 30 years old now and wished I could have let go of my ego, being a people pleaser which would have let me go for it sooner. I could have alot of money saved up by now and retired early, but my need to people please, overall negativity from family, and my ego caused me to not go for it sooner. 

What caused me to write this post was my mom just recently told me my dad said that oh I bet all he does is wipe ass all day and clean poop. They pay him so much because no one wants to do that. Usually thats the CNA job and alot of what I do is medication and procedures. I would be lying if I said that comment didin't hurt me. Again its the need to prove my dad wrong and wanting to be good enough to his eyes. 

Edited October 28, 2021 by lovers

[Taramere]

Well first of all, many congratulations for persevering in your goals and doing so well despite the lack of paternal support.  It sounds to me like there must have been some adult in your life, at some point, who provided a positive role model for you...because there's a sense that you've really learned to parent yourself effectively.  Maybe it's unfair to include your mother in that, but I'm struggling to understand why she passed on your father's and other extended family members' derogatory comments to you.  Or does she vent about him to you as a way of coping with being married into that family of difficult people?

Your dad sounds like a pretty cold, difficult sort of person who comes from a family of people like that.  A family of people who, from the sound of things, spend a fair bit of time belittling and probably scapegoating each other.  Attitudes and mindsets that he's recreated in his own household...but less successfully, because you very clearly are not like that.  You're doing a job that takes a combination of intelligence and really good personal qualities - and very successfully, from the sound of it.  A job that your dad perhaps knows deep down he would lack the character to do.  Maybe on some level he sees that you being so different from him, and taking a different path from the one he'd want you to take, is a sign that your role models in life have not included him.  

I think, reading your post, that pleasing your dad and getting his approval would involve emulating and adopting the mindset he grew up with.  It doesn't sound as though he broke away from his birth family to successfully become his own person.  It sounds more like he's likely to be concerned about what his siblings thing, trying to get their approval or trying to get one up on them.  That sort of dynamic which isn't really compatible with personal fulfilment.  In short, getting anything approximating approval from your dad would probably come at the cost of your personal happiness.

I think that you've evolved beyond your birth family, that your dad isn't coping with that...and that sad as it is, you have to make the choice between having his approval and making a successful, happy life for yourself.  Maybe one day he'll wake up and realise that actually, you made better choices than he would have made for you.

[lovers]

On 10/31/2021 at 6:05 AM, Taramere said:

Well first of all, many congratulations for persevering in your goals and doing so well despite the lack of paternal support.  It sounds to me like there must have been some adult in your life, at some point, who provided a positive role model for you...because there's a sense that you've really learned to parent yourself effectively.  Maybe it's unfair to include your mother in that, but I'm struggling to understand why she passed on your father's and other extended family members' derogatory comments to you.  Or does she vent about him to you as a way of coping with being married into that family of difficult people?

Your dad sounds like a pretty cold, difficult sort of person who comes from a family of people like that.  A family of people who, from the sound of things, spend a fair bit of time belittling and probably scapegoating each other.  Attitudes and mindsets that he's recreated in his own household...but less successfully, because you very clearly are not like that.  You're doing a job that takes a combination of intelligence and really good personal qualities - and very successfully, from the sound of it.  A job that your dad perhaps knows deep down he would lack the character to do.  Maybe on some level he sees that you being so different from him, and taking a different path from the one he'd want you to take, is a sign that your role models in life have not included him.  

I think, reading your post, that pleasing your dad and getting his approval would involve emulating and adopting the mindset he grew up with.  It doesn't sound as though he broke away from his birth family to successfully become his own person.  It sounds more like he's likely to be concerned about what his siblings thing, trying to get their approval or trying to get one up on them.  That sort of dynamic which isn't really compatible with personal fulfilment.  In short, getting anything approximating approval from your dad would probably come at the cost of your personal happiness.

I think that you've evolved beyond your birth family, that your dad isn't coping with that...and that sad as it is, you have to make the choice between having his approval and making a successful, happy life for yourself.  Maybe one day he'll wake up and realise that actually, you made better choices than he would have made for you.

Thank you for your post. It was very insightful. I think my mom has a large part to do with it too. She may not be as innocent as she claims to be. Tries to play and pleases both sides and she never stood up for me once. Just tells me whats going on. My mom is like the middle person in the family. She is the messenger from my dad to me. I don't talk to my dad or go out of my way to talk to him. When he gives me a call randomly its really strange and I would not pick up and ask my mom what my dad wants. When my dad and I talk its strictly business. 

There is definitely a competitive side between family members cause I think when my uncle bragging about his son all the time it makes my dad jealous and pushes me harder, but my dad has always been a difficult person to deal with. I try not to play that game and just worry about myself. Its just very toxic which I don't want any part of. I remember as a kid my dad would piss me off and I wouldn't talk to him for awhile multiple times. My dad wanted me to stay home and find a job there. I told him I wanted to be independent, but in my head I was like you remember all the crap you did? Now you want to play nice. Always using my stuff that I bought. I have a gaming computer that I bought and built that my dad always uses which I only got to use when he wasn't around in my mid 20s btw. I am very different than my dad but similar in ways too. I think I have his tough mindset and know that life is difficult and his introvert personality.

If I followed what my dad wanted It would be a boring life and I wouldn't be doing as well. Which was stay at home for college, never ventured out, and become a pharmacist.