TamBuktu Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 The Couple: together for about 3 years. He: married for 10 years, no kids. She: never married, no kids. Both: spend time every day together, from finishing work to bedtime. Both He and She has met the other's families. Both families approving besides his "problem". Wife doesn't care, no questions asked as long as he goes home at night. Both She and Wife aware of each other but no questions asked. Issue: He isn't initiating a divorce, He never terminated a relationship in his life. Both want kids right now, She can't do it before his divorce and tying the knot together. Otherwise both are happy and content. Any ideas? Not looking for moral police please. Any insight will be helpful. People in similar situations please share how it worked out. Willing to add details if they'll be helpful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 3 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Issue: He isn't initiating a divorce. Both want kids right now, She can't do it before his divorce and tying the knot together. It depends on how old you are and when you would like to start a family. He won't get divorce, so being a single parent/mistress may be your only option unless you find an honest committed family man 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted October 28, 2021 Author Share Posted October 28, 2021 5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It depends on how old you are and when you would like to start a family. He won't get divorce, so being a single parent/mistress may be your only option unless you find an honest committed family man Details added: IVF procedures already done, so bio-clock is not an issue. It is a matter on when to embryo transfer. Both want it ASAP. He is very much a family man, besides the "complication". Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 13 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: IVF procedures already done, so bio-clock is not an issue. It is a matter on when to embryo transfer. He is very much a family man, besides the "complication". You had an IVF with him (rather than preganacy through sex) and wish to get married but he's already married? Are you a surrogate for them? Can he and his wife have children? Since the language is so cryptic, is that what you men by "complication"? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 25 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Issue: He isn't initiating a divorce He may tell you he wants kids ASAP but he is obviously not willing to pull the plug on his marriage to achieve it. I can see why you would want him to be divorced so you can have a normal family life, but how long are you prepared to wait for him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted October 28, 2021 Author Share Posted October 28, 2021 10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You had an IVF with him (rather than preganacy through sex) and wish to get married but he's already married? Are you a surrogate for them? Can he and his wife have children? Since the language is so cryptic, is that what you men by "complication"? Complication is his marriage. But yes, Wife can't have children anymore, had hers previously. IVF for fertility preservation reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted October 28, 2021 Author Share Posted October 28, 2021 10 minutes ago, elaine567 said: He may tell you he wants kids ASAP but he is obviously not willing to pull the plug on his marriage to achieve it. I can see why you would want him to be divorced so you can have a normal family life, but how long are you prepared to wait for him? His age mainly. He is ok having kids as of now. Not long unfortunately... And therefore the question here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted October 28, 2021 Author Share Posted October 28, 2021 Clarifying: Wife has never been interested in kids with Him, her kids are adults with their own kids. Nobody in this situation is a surrogate, IVF was done for fertility preservation purposes only, no diagnosis. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 They're not going to get divorced. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 Do as you would with anyone who isn't available. Go on and move on with your life. There's very little to see or wait for here. It's unlikely he'll leave his wife. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted October 28, 2021 Author Share Posted October 28, 2021 12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: They're not going to get divorced. Why so? Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 (edited) I am assuming 'his problem' is that he is married and carrying on an affair with she who has never married and has no kids? If so, he needs to end the marriage before he can engage in another relationship. If the issue is that she wants kids and she can't do this until he is divorced, then everything rests on him to get divorced. I presume the problem is that he does not want to get divorced, maybe is leading a double life by pretending to his wife that everything is ok and he is faithful to her, while at the same time sharing time with another. You might be better off posting in the 'Other man Other woman' forum on this site. If you are the woman he is having an affair with, you are in the same position as a lot of other women. Your guy is pulling the wool over your eyes and hoping you will stop pestering him to get divorced. His wife may be totally unaware he is having an affair. What makes you think he will blow up his marriage and leave his wife for someone else? It seems he isn't doing. Many married men do not want to leave the security of a marriage and long-term partner for the other woman. Update: apologies, you are posting in the correct forum, my mistake. Edited October 28, 2021 by spiderowl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 36 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Complication is his marriage. But yes, Wife can't have children anymore, had hers previously. for fertility preservation reasons. Is his wife much older than him? Is he much older that you? They will likely retire happily together. You mentioned she knows about you? Are you sure she's ok with the affair? Can he support you if you decide to use the embryo? Is the embryo from his sperm? Does he have Cancer? Why would he give you a sperm donation for IVF at this time? The only complication with this odd method is that he may could say he was just a sperm donor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 So he is an older man having an affair with you, his wife apparently doesn't mind as long as he comes home to her at night and with no doubt the inference that he won't ever leave her. Truth is most older men won't leave for their OW as they have too much to lose, so she is probably pretty safe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 This isn't complicated at all. This won't work. It's just a mess. The other woman here cannot be happy. And it's not clear this guy is worth it--he has never initiated a breakup. What, is he scared of honest conflict? He's not grown up. The other woman should know that if this guy cannot initiate any breakups, there's a 50-50 chance he doesn't really want to be with the her, the other woman. If you can't say "no" in relationhip, then any "yes" cannot be trusted. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted October 28, 2021 Author Share Posted October 28, 2021 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Is his wife much older than him? Is he much older that you? They will likely retire happily together. You mentioned she knows about you? Are you sure she's ok with the affair? Can he support you if you decide to use the embryo? Is the embryo from his sperm? Does he have Cancer? Why would he give you a sperm donation for IVF at this time? The only complication with this odd method is that he may could say he was just a sperm donor. Man: 15 years older than AP, 15 years younger than his Wife Wife has taken care of some projects of AP. No questions asked although Man spends every evening, no exception with AP. Embryos from his sperm, yes, because of age of AP and his own - it's fairly routine to do that for fertility preservation. On the consent papers he waived rights so it is an option. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted October 28, 2021 Author Share Posted October 28, 2021 3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: This isn't complicated at all. This won't work. It's just a mess. The other woman here cannot be happy. And it's not clear this guy is worth it--he has never initiated a breakup. What, is he scared of honest conflict? He's not grown up. The other woman should know that if this guy cannot initiate any breakups, there's a 50-50 chance he doesn't really want to be with the her, the other woman. If you can't say "no" in relationhip, then any "yes" cannot be trusted. Cultural stigmas are big part of it unfortunately. But both marriage and other relationship are cross-cultural. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted October 28, 2021 Author Share Posted October 28, 2021 9 minutes ago, elaine567 said: So he is an older man having an affair with you, his wife apparently doesn't mind as long as he comes home to her at night and with no doubt the inference that he won't ever leave her. Truth is most older men won't leave for their OW as they have too much to lose, so she is probably pretty safe. Haven't shared ages but inferred them above -30s, 40s, 60s for the 3 parties. He's not old enough to give up life. Wife feels very secure yes. Likely another relationship on her end as well but again, no questions asked. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 1 minute ago, TamBuktu said: Haven't shared ages but inferred them above -30s, 40s, 60s for the 3 parties. He's not old enough to give up life. Wife feels very secure yes. Likely another relationship on her end as well but again, no questions asked. OK so this is a bit of a puzzle I assume he is in 60s, his wife in 40s and you in 30s, Correct? Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 4 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Cultural stigmas are big part of it unfortunately. But both marriage and other relationship are cross-cultural. I have no idea what you mean here. Can you explain? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: I have no idea what you mean here. Can you explain? Means divorce is stigmatised in his culture but both the marriage and the affair are cross cultural... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted October 28, 2021 Author Share Posted October 28, 2021 (edited) 15 minutes ago, elaine567 said: OK so this is a bit of a puzzle I assume he is in 60s, his wife in 40s and you in 30s, Correct? He's in his 40s, Wife in her 60s Edited October 28, 2021 by TamBuktu 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: He's in his 40s, Wife in her 60s Ah... So she lets him go play with you, whilst she entertains another gentleman or lady maybe?. It is quite a nice arrangement for them both but I guess she won't be too happy with your potential kids in the mix. He may like playing away with you but he may still need his "Mama" around, hence the stalling, but saying that MM are notorious for stalling and keeping women waiting whilst they have the advantage of a secure marriage and an OW... Edited October 28, 2021 by elaine567 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 I am sure you are aware, but in your 30s you cannot really afford to waste much time as the success rate of IVF reduces with every year that passes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 28, 2021 Share Posted October 28, 2021 28 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Embryos from his sperm, yes, because of age of AP and his own - it's fairly routine to do that for fertility preservation. On the consent papers he waived rights so it is an option. What insight are you hoping for? You seem to know the situation quite well. His wife is tolerant of his affairs. However you wish to get married, he won't divorce. The complicated IVF situation is odd in that he waived his rights. Does that mean if you go ahead unilaterally with it he is not legally obligated to pay child support? It's also unclear why you don't have unprotected sex in order to conceive if you are in your 30s? It seems if you wish to have a child with his sperm the child will be out-of-wedlock and he may not have to pay child support. Just curious why you are distancing yourself from this with cryptic information and third person narration? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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