RebeccaR Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 2 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: I wasn't lying to him. Initially I was just going with the flow too. The past two years my desires changed, after we got so close. This happens a lot in affairs. But Tam, you have to admit it’s an affair to understand that. For your own health and wellness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted October 31, 2021 Author Share Posted October 31, 2021 52 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You have to realise that becoming a real woman with thoughts and feelings and a desire to actually know where you strand in this relationship may not go down well with him. No doubt he likes the bubbly, jokey, happy, and "dumb" version of you. He will eat up years of your young life if you let him. BUT you now know you cannot spend the next few years, being evening entertainment for a guy who still basically lives with his wife. Meanwhile you are ageing, getting more frustrated and no doubt bitter, and your dream of a marriage and a family will fade into the ether. You have to make a stand, even it means he ditches you in favour of another happy doll. You have to make a stand, even it means he ditches you in favour of another happy doll. - Exactly.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: How would you approach that: if i completely shift the tone out of the blue i feel it's too much and unnatural? But i am ready to shift the tone somewhat, just struggling with how to begin I would first ask youself this: Too much for what? It sounds like you're afraid of upsetting him if you stop dancing around the reality of this situation. But if he gets upset or uncomfortable just by changing the wording you two use to describe all of this, you can be rest assured that when push really comes to shove (ie. leaving his wife), there is no way it will ever happen. Perhaps that is why you struggle to really start using this approach...because then the bubble will burst and things will not be the same anymore. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 How old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted October 31, 2021 Author Share Posted October 31, 2021 34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Have you spoken to trusted friends and family about this or gotten legal advice? Are you in his will or a beneficiary on his accounts? Of course not. His wife is. You're not "exclusive". He goes home to sleep with his wife every night. It seems like he's scamming you with this pretend husband stuff. A handyman could do what he does. Speak to an attorney about some of these unwise decisions and whatever scam he's running. Is he your landlord? Why are you hanging out watching him do tenant repairs? I have not. I am not obviously. I mentioned exclusivity in sexual sense - me to him. Estate planning is another thing besides fertility planning I did for my own sake, for my own family reasons that i don't want to explain here.. but he never asked for it, and i trust him even if we break up, i'll still trust him as a friend. I don't think he's scamming.. All i can say on this I have zero concerns for scam, and have done extensive research to say that. He's not my landlord. I hang out with him because I am learning things that i can apply to my own property. As said, we have zero financial involvement (except he as my beneficiary) and none of us needs/wants to be dependent on the other in that respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted October 31, 2021 Author Share Posted October 31, 2021 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: How old are you? Mid 30s Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted October 31, 2021 Author Share Posted October 31, 2021 9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I would first ask youself this: Too much for what? It sounds like you're afraid of upsetting him if you stop dancing around the reality of this situation. But if he gets upset or uncomfortable just by changing the wording you two use to describe all of this, you can be rest assured that when push really comes to shove (ie. leaving his wife), there is no way it will ever happen. Perhaps that is why you struggle to really start using this approach...because then the bubble will burst and things will not be the same anymore. Right, I don't want to stress him out or make him uncomfortable. I wouldn't want that for anyone who i love. But I might need to apply tough love here or bursting the bubble as you say. I'm trying to think would I want someone to do this to myself (complete shift no warning) and answer is no... thats' why i want to start it gradually. Maybe it's stupid of me Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 8 hours ago, TamBuktu said: Never mentioned the word divorce I mean. Not that he never implied. Same way he never said “I’m married” or used the word wife I believe this is part of the trick of compartmentalisation. While with you, she does not exist, while with her, you do not exist. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 8 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Right, I don't want to stress him out or make him uncomfortable. I wouldn't want that for anyone who i love. But I might need to apply tough love here or bursting the bubble as you say. I'm trying to think would I want someone to do this to myself (complete shift no warning) and answer is no... thats' why i want to start it gradually. Maybe it's stupid of me Can you be happy continuing the status quo? Because it’s highly likely that’s the most he will offer you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Right, I don't want to stress him out or make him uncomfortable. I wouldn't want that for anyone who i love. But I might need to apply tough love here or bursting the bubble as you say. I'm trying to think would I want someone to do this to myself (complete shift no warning) and answer is no... thats' why i want to start it gradually. Maybe it's stupid of me I can imagine that it’s very difficult to change when you’ve been dancing around the reality of this situation for years. Sure, you risk upsetting him and that is upsetting and anxiety provoking for you - which is why you justify it by saying “you wouldn’t want anyone you loved to be uncomfortable” and “you wouldn’t want anyone to shift with no warning on yourself.” The thing is - healthy, mature relationships don’t exist in fantastical bubbles. In a mature relationship, people are able to have hard conversations that may be upsetting, they discuss the things that matter like their commitment to each other and their plans for the future, while still loving each other. It’s difficult for you to do here because I think you know, the answers you will get will not support the continuation of your happy bubble… This fantasy you have created with each other will not exist in the same way when reality intrudes. Edited October 31, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 5 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Right, I don't want to stress him out or make him uncomfortable. I wouldn't want that for anyone who i love. But I might need to apply tough love here or bursting the bubble as you say. I'm trying to think would I want someone to do this to myself (complete shift no warning) and answer is no... thats' why i want to start it gradually. Maybe it's stupid of me This is what I find very telling: you consider literally just changing some of the words you two use "tough love." You're speaking about it as though it would traumatize him or something, which tells me that the connection between you is actually very flimsy. You don't have a solid thing going here if doing something as benign as refering to his wife as his wife (rather than the person who lives in his house) would be enough to elicit an emotional reaction. You do a lot of tip-toeing around this guy. But I would ask yourself if you're afraid of upsetting him by using more direct language or if it's you that would be uncomfortable dealing with reality and calling it what it is: an affair with a married man, and you are the outsider 3rd party. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is what I find very telling: you consider literally just changing some of the words you two use "tough love." She considers literally just telling him what she wants for her own life - tough love. She does not want to do it, lest she upset him. Or more accurately, lest she upset the apple cart, this fantasy relationship they share. But these are the discussions that people in serious relationships have every day, without upset. Or - they work through the upset and continue to love each other. It’s not either or - either I upset him by speaking directly and asking for what I want, or I love him, stay silent, and sacrifice what I want in this relationship. What kind of a relationship is that? How can you have a serious relationship with the man if you can’t speak directly with him? Edited October 31, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: I have not. I am not obviously. I mentioned exclusivity in sexual sense - me to him. Estate planning is another thing besides fertility planning I did for my own sake, for my own family reasons that i don't want to explain here.. but he never asked for it, and i trust him even if we break up, i'll still trust him as a friend. I don't think he's scamming.. All i can say on this I have zero concerns for scam, and have done extensive research to say that. He's not my landlord. I hang out with him because I am learning things that i can apply to my own property. As said, we have zero financial involvement (except he as my beneficiary) and none of us needs/wants to be dependent on the other in that respect. Talk to trusted friends, family and an attorney about being scammed into naming a lover you know a few years as a beneficiary. He and his wife are a legal entity. You an he are not. It's bizarre that you named him in legal documents when you could designate nieces, nephews, etc.(since you can't have children as long as you are with him) Even more bizarre is making him your 'end of life' proxy. Attorneys will question your mental competence seeing documents like this. Edited October 31, 2021 by Wiseman2 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 Why would you make him your beneficiary? Is he leaving you anything when he dies? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: Mid 30s Uh, why are you waisting what's left of your fertile years on a MM? If you want a family you need to get busy finding a single man to make this happen. Freezing embryos is fine except you don't want to be too old when a baby arrives as it will take energy to take care of and raise it. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 39 minutes ago, stillafool said: Why would you make him your beneficiary? Is he leaving you anything when he dies? I find that more than a little strange, too. Whose idea was that, @TamBuktu? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: Estate planning is another thing. I did for my own sake. i trust him even if we break up, i'll still trust him as a friend. 33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Talk to trusted friends, family and an attorney about being scammed into naming a lover you know a few years as a beneficiary. He and his wife are a legal entity. You an he are not. It's bizarre that you named him in legal documents. Even more bizarre is making him your 'end of life' proxy. Attorneys will question your mental competence seeing documents like this. This. When we were first dating (a few years in, before we were living together), my now partner with whom I cohabitate wanted to name me as his executor (with his brother). His lawyer advised him not to do this - to name another family member. I have been in a legit relationship with the man for five years now and we live together, and I still had a difficult time naming him as my executor on my legal documents. I named him WITH my brother, and he would be removed if/when we ever were to end our relationship. You have been in a relationship that failed before, you must know how difficult it can be when relationships turn sour. Again, this is magical thinking - I trust him blindly to do the right thing by me as we will always be friends. You don’t know that. Wiseman is very wise - he and his wife are a legal entity. You are simply not. So, to name him on your legal documents and give a man with whom you have no legitimate legal connection to this kind of power is ludicrous! From his perspective - he keeps his marriage, his assets, his family life and he has a woman on the side who is a lovely other woman (offers love, adoration, and no strings attached sex with no questions asked) and who has named him as her executor in her legal documents - have you named him as a beneficiary? That’s a pretty great arrangement if you can get it… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: Whose idea was that, @TamBuktu? This is the question - 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted October 31, 2021 Author Share Posted October 31, 2021 Really guys? Questioning my mental competence 🤣 Not sure shall I put a laughing or crying emoji here. NO, he didn't ask me to do anything.YES, I'm fully sane and it was MY decision through and through. YES i trust him and NO, I don't care if he leaves me anything or not if he's first, so in the event of my very premature demise i really want MY stuff to go to him. Please lets leave it and that that's getting offenseve. And on the other raised topic: NO i'm not afraid to talk to him in fact I did again today. NO i don't want to make him uncomfortable - he is emotionally stable, but that's MY preference. And lastly... YES I don't live under a rock, I am acutely aware I don't have 10 years to have my kids and I have taken every.single.measure.under.the.sun to make it feasible irrespective of the relationship outcome and to be safe on the genetic end. I hope that cleared the waters. I have some updates I'll discuss here at some point but Jeez I had to close the forum to breathe when I saw some of the things written. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted November 1, 2021 Share Posted November 1, 2021 18 hours ago, TamBuktu said:Marriage with no kids- I don’t see the push as he already thinks he’s performing all husband would do with me anyway.. in his set of ideas what a husband does- that’s reducing obviously but put it that way- quality time, intimacy, house responsibilities like repairs, taking care of parents.. I never made it clear why I want marriage outside of kids context.. sounds stupid but I don’t know how to motivate? HE already thinks he is performing the role. What do you think? Are you satisfied with this ‘acting’ husband arrangement? How do you feel about it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2021 Share Posted November 1, 2021 8 hours ago, TamBuktu said: Really guys? Questioning my mental competence 🤣 You have to realize that naming a man you're not even in an official relationship with as your beneficiary is highly unusual (and highly risky), OP. That is why people are wondering about your state of mind, as it's not what any good legal counsel would recommend. But it still leaves one question unanswered - was this your idea, or his? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 1, 2021 Author Share Posted November 1, 2021 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: You have to realize that naming a man you're not even in an official relationship with as your beneficiary is highly unusual (and highly risky), OP. That is why people are wondering about your state of mind, as it's not what any good legal counsel would recommend. But it still leaves one question unanswered - was this your idea, or his? OMG didn’t you see my post above- my idea, my idea, my idea. Let’s not question this again I have my reasons and full confidence. Not willing to provide any more details on this but please please please don’t make me repeat it again Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 1, 2021 Author Share Posted November 1, 2021 10 hours ago, spiderowl said: HE already thinks he is performing the role. What do you think? Are you satisfied with this ‘acting’ husband arrangement? How do you feel about it? Fine short term, not fine long term. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 1, 2021 Share Posted November 1, 2021 Three years is short term? How much longer are you willing to wait? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Seeker Posted November 1, 2021 Share Posted November 1, 2021 13 hours ago, TamBuktu said: Really guys? Questioning my mental competence 🤣 To be honest, I've been silently following this thread, and every time I read one of your posts, I was questioning your mental well-being. You seem to have a very unhealthy obsession with this man. As though your life's happiness depends on him, which is very sad. You paint some fantasy picture of him as some perfect person whose **** does not stink. Either you are very inexperienced in relationships, or have very low self confidence to be so hooked on someone who, and this is the fact you can't see/accept, does not feel the same about you as you do about him. You are in denial. If he felt the same he would have left his wife in an instant. There's nothing 'special' about your relationship and it's the same story as every other in this forum; you are wasting your time with the wrong man. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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