Author TamBuktu Posted November 2, 2021 Author Share Posted November 2, 2021 1 minute ago, RebeccaR said: You really don’t know if they are in love. Love takes many forms. Some spouses even enjoy being cheated on. Perhaps they share s3xual fantasies about threesomes. Is this likely? I have no idea and neither do you. He loves her enough to go home every night. Has he ever attempted to spend nights or weekends with you? Something is still enticing him at home. Yeah you could be right who knows.. Yes we are together on the weekends, we go for trips, go to church, do housework etc. Nothing out of ordinary except he doesn’t sleepover.. I’m afraid the draw home is more out of fear Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 Just now, TamBuktu said: I’m afraid the draw home is more out of fear Do you really want such a coward? More to the point, if he comes home to you every night, how will you know it’s out of love and not fear? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 1 minute ago, RebeccaR said: Do you really want such a coward? More to the point, if he comes home to you every night, how will you know it’s out of love and not fear? Honestly I think even if he ends up divorced, he might go back and sleep at her place every night. I read somewhere that Charles & Camilla don’t live together because they spent so many years living apart and sneaking around, that this set the pattern for their relationship. There is something your MM needs at home every night. He’s never faked a business trip or emergency to spend the night with you? I’m curious why. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 2, 2021 Author Share Posted November 2, 2021 10 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: Do you really want such a coward? More to the point, if he comes home to you every night, how will you know it’s out of love and not fear? I just know And he told me.. But see fear and love are not mutually exclusive. I’m sure there is some kind of love, companionship love or whatever we want to call it, but that’s not why he goes home. It’s fear through and through. There are also responsibilities, it’s a big house.. On your other post, no he never faked a trip. He lies by omission for things but I’ve never seen him fabricating a thing like fake trip etc. if he did I’d question his character.. And yeah will be hard to break patterns but if two people want the same thing, there aren’t impossible things.. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 2 hours ago, TamBuktu said: I just know And he told me.. But see fear and love are not mutually exclusive. I’m sure there is some kind of love, companionship love or whatever we want to call it, but that’s not why he goes home. It’s fear through and through. Oh honey, no. Don't kid yourself here. He might tell you he's scared, but come on. Stop being so gullible. He's a grown man who isn't afraid of blowing up his whole world by having an affair, so it is a pile of BS that he's just so scared that he doesn't spend the night with you. He goes home to his wife because he wants to. You are being willfully naive at this point, and that usually happens when we aren't yet ready to admit we've made an enormous mistake with our lives. I think that's why you also avoid having direct conversations with him about the future, because you already know on some level that you won't like the response you hear. And then you will have to set about the undoing of some big choices you made, like getting him removed as your benificiary and not providing donor sperm. That, I think, is what you really hoping against hope to avoid, because it would mean admitting you messed up your own life in some significant ways and ignored your better judgment. I really hope you wake up before it's too late for you to meet a decent man to have a child with. Because even if you don't want to see it yet, it's pretty obvious you won't be raising a family with this one. 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 2 hours ago, TamBuktu said: but if two people want the same thing, there aren’t impossible things. Serious question, what does it tell you that he's already signed off his parental rights? Because I highly doubt that's what you wanted. Is it? 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 4 hours ago, TamBuktu said: . I’m sure there is some kind of love, companionship love or whatever we want to call it, but that’s not why he goes home. Fear of getting caught cheating? Yes most cheaters fear that. That's why he lies. Yes he's more afraid of losing her than losing you. There is much more at stake for him. Unfortunately you're the one taking all the risks regarding wanting kids and marriage and adding to that medical complications, aging and being in a relationship where marriage is a remote possibility at best. On paper it seems to be managed. However in real life it's an unhappy scenario watching your lover go home to his wife every night and you sit alone with a fertilized egg wishing and hoping for a happy future marriage and family. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 5 hours ago, TamBuktu said: Ok, that's your way - I can personally never do it this way and i'll be not happy but horrified if he did. It would be completely out of character for him I have broken up with a fiancee before and it took over 3 months after we made it clear to move out, another good chunk of a year to cut ties. No regrets if i had to do it again, i'd do it the same way Why would you be horrified? If he was in a marriage which wasn't working and had tried everything he could - why would it be terrible of him to pack his things and finally leave? And if one isn't beholden to leases, where's the sense in stating that it's over, but not actually vacating the premises for three months? I read about this sort of thing here and it's not pretty. People write things like "The relationship is over and they are now on the couch. But we can't break the lease for four months!!! How will I cope with them still being here ?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 2, 2021 Author Share Posted November 2, 2021 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Why would you be horrified? If he was in a marriage which wasn't working and had tried everything he could - why would it be terrible of him to pack his things and finally leave? And if one isn't beholden to leases, where's the sense in stating that it's over, but not actually vacating the premises for three months? I read about this sort of thing here and it's not pretty. People write things like "The relationship is over and they are now on the couch. But we can't break the lease for four months!!! How will I cope with them still being here ?" He can’t vacate his own property, she will be the one that needs to vacate because it ain’t her property when I broke up a past relationship and we both had to vacate was ugly, yes, but I preferred white knuckling it than making a sharp cut, it’s exactly what it is- style or preference, not that much a necessity in most cases Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 2, 2021 Author Share Posted November 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Fear of getting caught cheating? Yes most cheaters fear that. That's why he lies. Yes he's more afraid of losing her than losing you. There is much more at stake for him. Unfortunately you're the one taking all the risks regarding wanting kids and marriage and adding to that medical complications, aging and being in a relationship where marriage is a remote possibility at best. On paper it seems to be managed. However in real life it's an unhappy scenario watching your lover go home to his wife every night and you sit alone with a fertilized egg wishing and hoping for a happy future marriage and family. All I can say is take my word for it, it is managed and I have been happier in this past 3 years than in the previous 30 taken together. I made it too comfortable and that’s partially the problem but hopefully not too late to reverse patterns.. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 6 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: hopefully not too late to reverse patterns.. It's not. There's no need to be a tragedy. You're young and despite health problems seem to have your reproductive situation under control and well understood. You don't have to be a statistic. You could have a much better life than sitting home alone after a married lover goes home to his wife, becoming just another aging mistress statistic. You have a bunch of frozen ova, so you could start a family with a decent honest single man when you feel better. Instead of worrying about if, when, how he'll ever divorce, you could start now healing from your past, getting rid of toxic married men and find happiness in the future. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Instead of worrying about if, when, how he'll ever divorce, you could start now healing from your past This. Because OP has absolutely no control over whether he divorces. She can only control her own decisions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: Edited November 2, 2021 by RebeccaR Removed Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, TamBuktu said: He can’t vacate his own property, she will be the one that needs to vacate because it ain’t her property He can legally force her out of the home. If it’s his home and it’s not considered a marital asset, it’s actually pretty easy to do if/when he visits a lawyer and files for divorce. He serves her notice, she has a period of time to leave, and then - he is able to move on… When is his appointment with the lawyer? Oh wait - he doesn’t have one yet! Edited November 2, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 (edited) I do love analogies on this site, so here’s one OP - I’ve got this man with whom I’ve fallen in love. We’ve been robbing banks together for three years now. I’ve amassed a sizeable fortune, I’ve been putting it in the bank because I’ve got big dreams! I dream that one day, we will leave the country and travel the world together. He doesn’t have a passport, he’s not even able to legally leave the country, but that doesn’t matter!! He says he will make it work and I trust him implicitly! So, until that day comes, I’m just going to stick by his side. We’ll rob a few more banks and I’ll put the money aside… I’ve never actually been happier… Edited November 2, 2021 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 2, 2021 Author Share Posted November 2, 2021 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: I do love analogies on this site, so here’s one OP - I’ve got this man with whom I’ve fallen in love. We’ve been robbing banks together for three years now. I’ve amassed a sizeable fortune, I’ve been putting it in the bank because I’ve got big dreams! I dream that one day, we will leave the country and travel the world together. He doesn’t have a passport, he’s not even able to legally leave the country, but that doesn’t matter!! He says he will make it work and I trust him implicitly! So, until that day comes, I’m just going to stick by his side. We’ll rob a few more banks and I’ll put the money aside… I’ve never actually been happier… I love analogies too Bailey. Do you like this one? I've got this man with whom I've fallen in love. We are in front of a thick forest. We have been wondering what is on the other side for three years now, and have amassed a sizeable fortune of memories and experiences, but haven't been yet on the other side of it. It is a road never taken and I don't have the courage and he doesn't have the skills to create a new path, just yet. But that doesn't matter!! He says he will make it work and I trust him implicitly! So, until that day comes, I’m just going to stick by his side. We would discover new things and our bond will grow stronger. We will learn what we don't know and fortify what we do, and when the time is right, will break through and see the light on the other side... And even if this never happens, the path matters more than the final destination. I’ve never actually been happier… Which of the two analogies you would pick is only a matter of perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 2, 2021 Author Share Posted November 2, 2021 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: He can legally force her out of the home. If it’s his home and it’s not considered a marital asset, it’s actually pretty easy to do if/when he visits a lawyer and files for divorce. He serves her notice, she has a period of time to leave, and then - he is able to move on… When is his appointment with the lawyer? Oh wait - he doesn’t have one yet! How do you know that again? And is this how would you treat a person after a decade, in absence of abuse or other situation necessitating it to happen fast? Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 8 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: How do you know that again? And is this how would you treat a person after a decade, in absence of abuse or other situation necessitating it to happen fast? I mean, you are talking about proper treatment of his wife, while you are literally having sex with her husband and plotting to steal him. So I’m surprised you bring up this objection. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 2, 2021 Author Share Posted November 2, 2021 8 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: I mean, you are talking about proper treatment of his wife, while you are literally having sex with her husband and plotting to steal him. So I’m surprised you bring up this objection. Right, maybe i'm bringing it out of guilt, and i feel guilt can't imagine how much worse is on his end Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 You have never been happier, as you blotted out the reality of falling in love with a guy who goes home to his wife every night for the past 3 years. You have taken on the role of a happy, clappy "pretend wife" assuming he would see your worth and ultimately chose you. He has carved out a very comfortable niche for himself here. He gets to stay married, no nastiness there, and he gets to spend his evenings with his compliant mistress, no friction there either. Perfect. You are now asking him to turn his world upside down, I think that may be a big ask. If he was the open, honest, go getting type he would likely be on board with you. He would have divorced his wife 3 years ago. As it is, he appears to be the sneaky, lying by omission, weak, fearful type who hates confrontation. He will lead you a merry dance... You will fill in the blanks in his narrative with your own more optimistic version of reality but nothing may actually happen. He will ultimately let you down as I believe he lacks the guts and courage to make it happen. Try not to buy in too much into the he is you, you are him type of thinking. You are not him, he is not you. Assuming you therefore "know" how he is thinking will not do you any favours. 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 2, 2021 Author Share Posted November 2, 2021 21 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You have never been happier, as you blotted out the reality of falling in love with a guy who goes home to his wife every night for the past 3 years. You have taken on the role of a happy, clappy "pretend wife" assuming he would see your worth and ultimately chose you. He has carved out a very comfortable niche for himself here. He gets to stay married, no nastiness there, and he gets to spend his evenings with his compliant mistress, no friction there either. Perfect. You are now asking him to turn his world upside down, I think that may be a big ask. If he was the open, honest, go getting type he would likely be on board with you. He would have divorced his wife 3 years ago. As it is, he appears to be the sneaky, lying by omission, weak, fearful type who hates confrontation. He will lead you a merry dance... You will fill in the blanks in his narrative with your own more optimistic version of reality but nothing may actually happen. He will ultimately let you down as I believe he lacks the guts and courage to make it happen. Try not to buy in too much into the he is you, you are him type of thinking. You are not him, he is not you. Assuming you therefore "know" how he is thinking will not do you any favours. I told him that very recently so at this point is wait and see if he'll follow through. He's not the go getter type but he finds his ways usually, lets hope he didn't just say it for the sake of saying it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: How do you know that again? And is this how would you treat a person after a decade, in absence of abuse or other situation necessitating it to happen fast? Personal experience. My partner had to legally force his ex m-wife, who he bought out of the home, to physically leave because she has an untreated mental illness and she would not not agree leave the home after the money had been exchanged and the divorce was settled. Yes, if I wanted to end a marriage, I would have the discussion with my spouse (at this point, we would have been having the discussion that the marriage is not working and how we were trying to fix it for a while) so it wouldn’t come as a shock to him when I filed for divorce. If I owned the home and it was not included in the divorce settlement, I would give him a reasonable amount of time to find other living arrangements and if he didn’t leave, I would consult my lawyer and do what is required to have him leave my home. You are making excuses here. That’s your choice. Things don’t have to be so difficult. If he wanted to end his marriage and be with you - he could start the process of making that happen, today. But, he hasn’t been talking with her, he’s not prepared to file, because after three years - he has no plan to actually divorce. So again, how long are you prepared to wait? Based on your analogy, you are in it for the long haul. He will lead you on a merry dance and while you are smiling today, you are likely to end up very disappointed. Edited November 2, 2021 by BaileyB 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 2, 2021 Author Share Posted November 2, 2021 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: Personal experience. My partner had to legally force his ex m-wife, who he bought out of the home, to physically leave because she has an untreated mental illness and she would not not agree leave the home after the money had been exchanged and the divorce was settled. Yes, if I wanted to end a marriage, I would have the discussion with my spouse (at this point, we would have been having the discussion that the marriage is not working and how we were trying to fix it for a while) so it wouldn’t come as a shock to him when I filed for divorce. If I owned the home and it was not included in the divorce settlement, I would give him a reasonable amount of time to find other living arrangements and if he didn’t leave, I would consult my lawyer and do what is required to have him leave my home. You are making excuses here. That’s your choice. Things don’t have to be so difficult. If he wanted to end his marriage and be with you - he could start the process of making that happen, today. But, he hasn’t been talking with her, he’s not prepared to file, because after three years - he has no plan to actually divorce. So again, how long are you prepared to wait? Based on your analogy, you are in it for the long haul. He will lead you on a merry dance and while you are smiling today, you are likely to end up very disappointed. I'm curious about your experience: how long did it take him from decision to filing? Seems like she was in denial Otherwise if I had to divorce, I would have acted just like you described, start slowly so it isn't a shock for them. Give ample opportunity for arrangements etc, but that's not the point because I'm not the one doing it.. In their case they have never been close from what I can tell, and she's most likely aware he has double life, but doesn't care. Which scares me so much - she probably won't go away amicably, in the end of the day she let him live his free life in whatever their arrangement is. And again from what I can tell, it is conflict free type of arrangement, it's more apathy and disinterest that I see but these are not strong points for initiation of divorce, especially if she has been ok playing her role (married not married type of life, ie fully independent life but husband on title and for convenience, playing no kiss and tell game in a not so easy stage of life) I didn't expect him to initiate anything 3 years ago, as said i would have even found it creepy and out of character, but at the point where we are now, I won't wait another 3 years. I'll probably take some measures sooner than later. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 How long ago did he sign off on his parental rights, OP? How did you feel about that? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 13 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: didn't expect him to initiate anything 3 years ago, as said i would have even found it creepy and out of character, But surely that would have been the right thing to do, marriage not working -> get a divorce to be free to date other people. By this time, 3 years later you could be married and pregnant... but you are not, as he chose to stay where he was and make you his OW. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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