RebeccaR Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 Just now, stillafool said: Why don't you be the bigger woman and tell her you're screwing around with her husband and get this out in the open. She deserves much better than him. Most likely Tam knows her lover won’t be pleased to have his affair outed to his wife and will blame her for blowing things up. A tale as old as time 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: Most likely Tam knows her lover won’t be pleased to have his affair outed to his wife and will blame her for blowing things up. A tale as old as time Yeah most OW never do because of the extreme fear of losing the MM who they are so sure is head over heels for them - but (shhhh) don't tell the wife; or they will be thrown under the next bus coming. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: I think for that reason she’d never admit it out loud- makes her look bad. She must be fully convinced she has him in her pocket so cheating is not bothering her. You sure make a lot of assumptions about what this woman thinks and feels… 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 43 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Yes, that’s correct. But not a lover of that’s what you’re asking:) Not that it makes any difference. There is a pattern of behavior here that you fail to recognize and accept. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 17 minutes ago, stillafool said: Yeah most OW never do because of the extreme fear of losing the MM who they are so sure is head over heels for them - but (shhhh) don't tell the wife; or they will be thrown under the next bus coming. One OW here phoned his wife because he went MIA one night and she got worried. He was not happy and binned her right away... no second chance... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 50 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: This will be N2. Really? A bit premature, no?. Your lover has not made one single move towards getting a divorce... He can hardly say the word, never mind anything else... 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: Yes, that’s correct. But not a lover of that’s what you’re asking:) So who was it? and how did that come about? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, TamBuktu said: We have discussed that is the level he feels comfortable with - we will not mix finances or assets in the future either Yet he is your beneificary? I wonder whose idea it was not to mix finances or assets. I am gathering not yours. 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: Yes, that’s correct. But not a lover of that’s what you’re asking:) So he's cheated before. And he's cheating now. And you somehow think he would not cheat on you in the future. That's quite delusional thinking, OP. Edited November 5, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 5, 2021 Author Share Posted November 5, 2021 10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Yet he is your beneificary? I wonder whose idea it was not to mix finances or assets. I am gathering not yours. So he's cheated before. And he's cheating now. And you somehow think he would not cheat on you in the future. That's quite delusional thinking, OP. Guys! It’s not a lover. It wasn’t even a woman- let’s leave it at that. For assets- doesn’t matter really, i have mine he has his. The rest is just irrelevant- all I was saying is nothing will change for either of us financially Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 5, 2021 Author Share Posted November 5, 2021 52 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Really? A bit premature, no?. Your lover has not made one single move towards getting a divorce... He can hardly say the word, never mind anything else... Ok we shall see. She passed N1 so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 5, 2021 Author Share Posted November 5, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: One OW here phoned his wife because he went MIA one night and she got worried. He was not happy and binned her right away... no second chance... Yeah that’s just stupid. I’d have done the same thing if I was him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 5, 2021 Author Share Posted November 5, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Not that it makes any difference. There is a pattern of behavior here that you fail to recognize and accept. Yeah it’s a pattern of someone repelled bu something/someone in his own home. I recognize that well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 5, 2021 Author Share Posted November 5, 2021 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Yeah most OW never do because of the extreme fear of losing the MM who they are so sure is head over heels for them - but (shhhh) don't tell the wife; or they will be thrown under the next bus coming. I might do it when the time is right. Timing is everything. Best is to empower him to do it, for so many reasons besides the obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 5, 2021 Author Share Posted November 5, 2021 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Well this is funny because how in the world do you expect him to end this marriage if you won't ask him to, he is afraid to confront his wife and you love him in spite of it all. No movement means no action in any direction. He isn't going anywhere but home again to his wife. You have a point I need to man up and be the bad guy to him. See I’m not scared for my own feelings, I manage mine well. But anyhow, you have a point;) Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 39 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Guys! It’s not a lover. It wasn’t even a woman- let’s leave it at that. Maybe she believes he is still hanging out with a guy. Maybe the guy gives him an alibi... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 5, 2021 Share Posted November 5, 2021 57 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: I might do it when the time is right. Timing is everything. Best is to empower him to do it, for so many reasons besides the obvious. Isn't that what you've already been doing for the last what, 6 years? It's not working that's why you've been reduced to freezing your eggs. Sad to say but they'll be scrambled hard by the time he even gets around to thinking about leaving. In another 6 years you'll be out of eggs to freeze. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted November 6, 2021 Share Posted November 6, 2021 (edited) Well, I guess you will find out what his real intentions are if you confront him about leaving his wife and getting a divorce. So far, he has been able to brush everything under the carpet because you have not put any pressure on him. He can live in la la land in denial until someone rocks the boat. He will probably fluff you with nonsense sentences. He will look like a deer in the headlights. He will stay in denial until he absolutely can not. It sounds like you are prepared to be more direct with him though. I would not expect a happy outcome or for him to be decisive. He will fluff until it is clear you will not accept that, then you will see who he will choose. It could go either way. Edited November 6, 2021 by spiderowl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 6, 2021 Author Share Posted November 6, 2021 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: Maybe she believes he is still hanging out with a guy. Maybe the guy gives him an alibi... True.. It is just my opinion there is more to it than the location / pattern that can be noticed.. As a woman I do have 6th sense about things like this.. Most of us do, unless in active denial. Again just my intuition not proven by factual information.. but i trust my gut here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 6, 2021 Author Share Posted November 6, 2021 4 hours ago, stillafool said: Isn't that what you've already been doing for the last what, 6 years? It's not working that's why you've been reduced to freezing your eggs. Sad to say but they'll be scrambled hard by the time he even gets around to thinking about leaving. In another 6 years you'll be out of eggs to freeze. He has come a very long way since then (we were not dating back then, not even close to it). I am only now coming to a point of compiling the information to the point that I want to act on it. And thanks for reminding me of my bio-clock, i forgot. Just joking. Listen here, frozen eggs don't catch freezer burn. I have invested about.. 12 years studying the process, so you can take my word for it even if you don't like my personal life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 6, 2021 Author Share Posted November 6, 2021 1 hour ago, spiderowl said: Well, I guess you will find out what his real intentions are if you confront him about leaving his wife and getting a divorce. So far, he has been able to brush everything under the carpet because you have not put any pressure on him. He can live in la la land in denial until someone rocks the boat. He will probably fluff you with nonsense sentences. He will look like a deer in the headlights. He will stay in denial until he absolutely can not. It sounds like you are prepared to be more direct with him though. I would not expect a happy outcome or for him to be decisive. He will fluff until it is clear you will not accept that, then you will see who he will choose. It could go either way. Sadly, yes. We have been so happy I myself didn't want t break free from la la land. It has been like never ending honeymoon period. He is in denial of course. Deer in the headlights is a perfect analogy. I don't blame him for a second - this is the hardest decision to take in his life, literally is going to change his world through its core. It is probably the hardest decision for me as well, however I have been to hell and back so many times that I know I will survive and thrive whatever happens. It is prime time to talk and considering the above - fluffing and stalling - I realistically think it will take a couple of months, if lucky, likely a bit longer, to break from his shell and hear his truth. But I am ready for it indeed, just trying to stay cool, composed and rational in a very irrational and chaotic situation. I admit I really lack the relational and communication skills - well, I'll learn on the go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 6, 2021 Share Posted November 6, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, TamBuktu said: Guys! It’s not a lover. It wasn’t even a woman- let’s leave it at that. So then why did you say yes when someone asked if you if he had another evening companion? It was very clear the posters were not asking if he had a good guy friend he hung out with. I am sure you understood that. So you can't blame people for calling him out, when you yourself made it sound as though he's been unfaithful before. Unless you actually have no proof it was a man, and this is simply what your MM told you and you opted to believe him. Is that the case? Edited November 6, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 6, 2021 Share Posted November 6, 2021 My guess he is so scared because his wife does not have a clue and he is going to have to tell her. The extent of his duplicity will be revealed to her and to you too. His nice little arrangement will be turned on its head and he is facing a likely "ugly" divorce, probably moving home, another marriage and parenthood... IF he wants to keep you. It is a daunting prospect and as he has not exactly bitten your hand off when you brought the subject up, I guess he will make excuse after excuse and ultimately renege. Having a "mistress" is one thing, making that relationship "real" with all the complications and consequences that entails, is another thing all together... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 6, 2021 Share Posted November 6, 2021 7 hours ago, TamBuktu said: a very irrational and chaotic situation. What makes it irrational and chaotic? It's rather straight forward, no? You see each other, both enjoy the situation and both would rather not address the issue of his marriage. What pressure is on you to confront him about divorcing her and marrying you? Do you mean you want more or you are starting to feel unhappy with things as they are? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 6, 2021 Share Posted November 6, 2021 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: What pressure is on you to confront him about divorcing her and marrying you? Do you mean you want more or you are starting to feel unhappy with things as they are? She wants kids and wants to be married, she has made that very clear from post one and throughout the thread. On 10/28/2021 at 8:42 PM, TamBuktu said: Both want kids right now, She can't do it before his divorce and tying the knot together. Edited November 6, 2021 by elaine567 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 6, 2021 Share Posted November 6, 2021 3 minutes ago, elaine567 said: She wants kids and wants to be married, she has made that very clear from post one and throughout the thread. Lol what's up with insinuating people can't read? Link to post Share on other sites
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