It's complicated - insight needed

[TamBuktu]

Yes that's the whole point - I trust him 100% he will stay with me even if he is not doing it for the right reasons. And I also trust 100% that even if she knows (which I believe she does already) - she won't interfere between us.

Therefore I don't have fear talking to him. All I fear is MYSELF - not being stable enough during our conversations and/or digressing. Setting a bad precedent for our future marriage. Being too weak.

As said previously I am going to assist him once he discloses what his problem getting out of there is (even if the problem is just.. being scared of change) - once I know the problem, I will offer solutions. 

As I write I feel like I am almost ready to do next talk even today - although it is probably too much too soon.

Edited November 13, 2021 by TamBuktu

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I trust him 100% he will stay with me even if he is not doing it for the right reasons.

What does this even mean? 

[TamBuktu]

Just one more thing popped on my mind. I had said awful things about her. Things that if anyone has said for my loved one I'd literally slap them. And how he reacted?

He didn't react.at.all. That convinces me even further their relationship is far gone. Or he keeps extreme poker face.

[TamBuktu]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

What does this even mean? 

He will stay even if it is just because he doesn't want to be the bad guy with me and break it. He'll stay with me in any situation, that's what I meant.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, TamBuktu said:

I had said awful things about her. He didn't react.at.all.

That's because it's a huge ego boost for him to have women in a catfight (even mentally) over him. Imagine how puffed up his ego is now.

Keep in mind, affairs are about 'and', not 'or'. Spouse And lover. Not spouse Or lover.

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

He will stay even if it is just because he doesn't want to be the bad guy with me and break it. He'll stay with me in any situation, that's what I meant.

Is that really what you want? Would that bring you happiness - holding onto a relationship with a man who is committed to another woman and does not want to be with you/stays only because he does not have the courage to end it?

[TamBuktu]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Is that really what you want? Would that bring you happiness - holding onto a relationship with a man who is committed to another woman and does not want to be with you/stays only because he does not have the courage to end it?

He stays there for exact same reason so  - because he doesn't have the courage to end it lol.

It's so funny it's sad.

[TamBuktu]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's because it's a huge ego boost for him to have women in a catfight (even mentally) over him. Imagine how puffed up his ego is now.

Keep in mind, affairs are about 'and', not 'or'. Spouse And lover. Not spouse Or lover.

I have discussed that too - he refuses to admit that's the case. I shall believe it - for now.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

He stays there for exact same reason so  - because he doesn't have the courage to end it lol.

It's so funny it's sad.

It’s a battle of the wills - who can outlast the other. In the middle of it all, a man who enjoys the adoration/companionship of two women. 

What’s to say that he wants to end anything?

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's because it's a huge ego boost for him to have women in a catfight (even mentally) over him. Imagine how puffed up his ego is now.

9 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I have discussed that too - he refuses to admit that's the case. I shall believe it - for now.

Why on earth would he admit that to you?

 

 

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

In the middle of it all, a man who enjoys the adoration/companionship of two women. 

And that is why they are often loathe to give up either woman.
He is da man... what's not to like?

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

And that is why they are often loathe to give up either woman.
He is da man... what's not to like?

At the same time, a really difficult thing for the other woman to accept - that he has things exactly as he wants right now.

After all, if she wants more and she is unhappy with the current situation - he must feel the same way… right?

So, one clings firmly to the idea that he is a poor besotted soul who has found a workable solution to a very difficult situation…

Edited November 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[TamBuktu]

36 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Why on earth would he admit that to you?

 

 

Um because we are best friends? Just let’s not forget we have had a solid friendship for so many years, besides the rest.

[Mrin]

Super late to the party here but I honestly don't see what's so complicated about this - aside from the emotions and oddly curious details.

• You want kids with this man right now
• He wants kids with you
• You won't have kids with a man unless you're married
• He's married and has never indicated he will divorce. Never left a relationship in his life and probably won't unless pushed

The path forward is really clear:

Option A: Deliver ultimatum with timeline. If he balks, you bail and find another man to start a family with

Option B: End it with him and go find another man to start a family with

That's pretty much about it because the status quo isn't working for you. And you don't seem willing to budge, at all, on the no kids without marriage. 

So ya, that's pretty much about it unless I'm missing something.

 

Best of luck!

Mrin

[TamBuktu]

14 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Super late to the party here but I honestly don't see what's so complicated about this - aside from the emotions and oddly curious details.

• You want kids with this man right now
• He wants kids with you
• You won't have kids with a man unless you're married
• He's married and has never indicated he will divorce. Never left a relationship in his life and probably won't unless pushed

The path forward is really clear:

Option A: Deliver ultimatum with timeline. If he balks, you bail and find another man to start a family with

Option B: End it with him and go find another man to start a family with

That's pretty much about it because the status quo isn't working for you. And you don't seem willing to budge, at all, on the no kids without marriage. 

So ya, that's pretty much about it unless I'm missing something.

 

Best of luck!

Mrin

You made it sound really simple:)

The summary is spot on.

Option B at this point is no way.

Option A is what I’d eventually have to do (but want a 2 sides conversation not 1 sided ultimatum). I just fail executing it right. 

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Mrin said:

He wants kids with you

He’s a 50 year old man who has apparently signed away his parental rights to the embryos. It’s not exactly clear whether he wants children or whether OP has a plan and in her plan, they have children together. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, TamBuktu said:

He said he is doing something but afraid to get my hopes up. I suggested that's because he doesn't fully trust me.

With due respect...that makes no sense. 

He's telling you he's afraid to get your hopes up because he knows he isn't leaving his wife for you. It has nothing to do with trusting you or not. 

[TamBuktu]

Just now, BaileyB said:

He’s a 50 year old man who has apparently signed away his parental rights to the embryos. It’s not exactly clear whether he wants children or whether OP has a plan and in her plan, they have children together. 

Nah, he was very clear that if that my plan, it’s also OUR plan to have a family.

[TamBuktu]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

With due respect...that makes no sense. 

He's telling you he's afraid to get your hopes up because he knows he isn't leaving his wife for you. It has nothing to do with trusting you or not. 

No he referred to the things he is doing already.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

No he referred to the things he is doing already.

What things would those be, and how is that related to not trusting you?

 

[RebeccaR]

1 hour ago, TamBuktu said:

That convinces me even further their relationship is far gone. Or he keeps extreme poker face.

Yes. You just don’t know, do you?

[RebeccaR]

14 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

No he referred to the things he is doing already.

He could be doing ‘anything’, like leaving the dirty dishes for his wife in order to annoy her. Why doesn’t he tell you the concrete steps he is taking?

[RebeccaR]

16 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

Nah, he was very clear that if that my plan, it’s also OUR plan to have a family.

Wait. If you get pregnant with his embryos, he’ll join you in a family unit? So - why not just do the embryo transfer already?

[TamBuktu]

7 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Wait. If you get pregnant with his embryos, he’ll join you in a family unit? So - why not just do the embryo transfer already?

I don’t see starting my family on that ground as desirable, so it won’t happen.

[RebeccaR]

1 minute ago, TamBuktu said:

I don’t see starting my family on that ground as desirable, so it won’t happen.

Maybe he is just waiting for you to prove your commitment by going ahead. Or more likely, you don’t believe he will actually leave and you’ll be a single mom, albeit with a dad who comes by in the evenings.