Author TamBuktu Posted November 25, 2021 Author Share Posted November 25, 2021 37 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: The reason you feel guilty is because he makes you feel guilty. He speaks obliquely, he acts evasive, he makes it clear he can’t be upfront with you. If it was truly over and a marriage in name only, he would tell you that straight out. He feels guilty, You pick up on that, so you feel guilty. Yes, you are on point. I don’t feel guilty anymore from my end (after all I’m not cheating to anyone and he was out all the time before we got close), but as he says- we pick each other’s mood. So it’s very likely he feels guilty and I feed off his emotion. The whole mother-son father-daughter dynamics feeds into this- a son don’t say no to his mother; a father can tech his daughter to be strong but is gentle with his mother.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 25, 2021 Author Share Posted November 25, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: The big deal is that most couples or people in significant relationships tend to spend "holidays" together, all day and all night, unless there are good reasons not to. Celebrating together is a bonding experience. Your guy is again sneaking off "home", and whilst you may be quite content to have the time to yourself, as it is no big deal to you, the bigger picture is a bit troubling. I get that. It’s the reality of the situation. It works for me at this point. If I was spending the holidays alone, it wouldn’t. In the same way I’d need to get used to some people hating on me after they get divorced/we get married. That’s the reality of being with “second hand” spouse, I really thought about it… Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 25, 2021 Share Posted November 25, 2021 9 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: I’m toying with the idea what the future can be if she stays involved in some capacity And on your questions how she allows that- I’d like to know too, I’ll ask him No, my question wasn't how she allows it but how does HE allow it? You were the one who said she's an unloving wife, never home and doesn't live with him. What is he getting out of this to make him go home to her after being with you and continue paying all of her bills? 12 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Also, why should his behavior drive hers? That’s childish. So you're upset that she doesn't sit around the house moaning because he's not there but with you? In otherwords, it bothers the hell out of you that she isn't green with envy the way you are. For your sake maybe she does have another lover, you did say she was beautiful. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 25, 2021 Author Share Posted November 25, 2021 1 minute ago, stillafool said: No, my question wasn't how she allows it but how does HE allow it? You were the one who said she's an unloving wife, never home and doesn't live with him. What is he getting out of this to make him go home to her after being with you and continue paying all of her bills? So you're upset that she doesn't sit around the house moaning because he's not there but with you? In otherwords, it bothers the hell out of you that she isn't green with envy the way you are. For your sake maybe she does have another lover, you did say she was beautiful. One thing is attachment to his house and the things that come with it. Second is, I’m most certain, a level of responsibility he feels towards her as hypocritical as it sounds. Third, he was out all the time before I was even in the picture, I’m assuming the same for her. Forth, she likely has another lover and I don’t see how this matters… Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 25, 2021 Share Posted November 25, 2021 13 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: (after all I’m not cheating to anyone and he was out all the time before we got close), Oh so he doesn't stay out late at night because he wants to be with you necessarily, but this is something he has always done. This man has probably had many OW he's seen throughout the years and I'll bet most of them were his tenants. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted November 25, 2021 Share Posted November 25, 2021 20 hours ago, TamBuktu said: We are spending it together, thank God. Like every other major holiday, like Christmas, Valentines, our birthdays etc. If he was spending it elsewhere, I might have called it quits long time ago. I actually think it's a good occasion for heart to heart talk... Where does his wife think he is spending all of these big holidays? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 25, 2021 Share Posted November 25, 2021 1 minute ago, TamBuktu said: Forth, she likely has another lover and I don’t see how this matters… Ask yourself why it matters as you are the one who has a problem with her wifely duties. For your sake and your affair you should be happy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 25, 2021 Author Share Posted November 25, 2021 8 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: Where does his wife think he is spending all of these big holidays? I have no idea. I never asked. My best guess is with family members that she doesn’t get along with? Or she’s somewhere else. Or he’s compartmentalizing the time so that her immediate needs are met? Or all of the above.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 25, 2021 Author Share Posted November 25, 2021 13 minutes ago, stillafool said: Oh so he doesn't stay out late at night because he wants to be with you necessarily, but this is something he has always done. This man has probably had many OW he's seen throughout the years and I'll bet most of them were his tenants. I happen to know most of his tenants lol I’d be shocked .. Anything is possible of course Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted November 25, 2021 Share Posted November 25, 2021 20 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: I have no idea. I never asked. My best guess is with family members that she doesn’t get along with? Or she’s somewhere else. Or he’s compartmentalizing the time so that her immediate needs are met? Or all of the above.. What time does he leave to go home? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 25, 2021 Author Share Posted November 25, 2021 5 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: What time does he leave to go home? Depends- generally 9-11pm I have to add it wasn’t like this the first year, it has been a gradual change.. in the very beginning we just spent weekend time together. Holidays together started slow too Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 25, 2021 Share Posted November 25, 2021 5 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Depends- generally 9-11pm I have to add it wasn’t like this the first year, it has been a gradual change.. in the very beginning we just spent weekend time together. Holidays together started slow too I doubt he goes straight to bed at 9 or even 11, Tam, but earlier you stated you spend every evening together from after work until bedtime. What time do you each get off work? Does he have a regular day job or work odd hours? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 25, 2021 Author Share Posted November 25, 2021 7 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: I doubt he goes straight to bed at 9 or even 11, Tam, but earlier you stated you spend every evening together from after work until bedtime. What time do you each get off work? Does he have a regular day job or work odd hours? Ah for me that's generally bedtime unless i have something urgent to finish. His day job is regular hours but he finishes sometimes side projects at night, and also obviously needs to drive etc. We're both generally up early though so I doubt he is surviving on 3-4 hours sleep nightly.. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 25, 2021 Share Posted November 25, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: It was the same before we started dating. Also, why should his behavior drive hers? That’s childish. Why should her behavior drive his? You seem to use the fact that she is not loving and never home as justification for the fact he has found another relationship with you. This street goes both ways… Edited November 25, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 25, 2021 Author Share Posted November 25, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: Why should her behavior drive his? You seem to use the fact that she is not loving and never home as justification for the fact he has found another relationship with you. This street goes both ways… Fair enough. As said, I'd never do it myself (having parallel relationships; even if i know i'm cheated on or something else), to me that's a foreign mindset, so just scrambling ideas. Maybe a relaxed evening tonight will give me some answers, although just realized it might not be as relaxed for him if he's indeed hiding... I really don't know anymore lol, bouncing ideas makes me even more confused Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 25, 2021 Share Posted November 25, 2021 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: Yes, you are on point. I don’t feel guilty anymore from my end (after all I’m not cheating to anyone and he was out all the time before we got close) No guilt whatsoever for the fact that you are having sex and creating embryos with her husband - wow. You are deep in denial here - 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: One thing is attachment to his house and the things that come with it. He is not choosing to be in a legitimate relationship with you because he is attached to the house? That’s his priority? The house that he spends very little time at every day because he’s out running errands and spending time with you? Quote She likely has another lover and I don’t see how this matters… That’s quite an assumption to make. What evidence do you have to support this hypothesis? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 25, 2021 Share Posted November 25, 2021 55 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: My best guess is with family members that she doesn’t get along with? And, how would you know anythiing about her family life? My God. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 25, 2021 Share Posted November 25, 2021 55 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: I happen to know most of his tenants lol I’d be shocked .. Anything is possible of course You don't know all of his previous tenants before you lived there? It could also be other women all over town. You said he used to be a party boy so staying out late every night; he had other women and yet you blame his poor wife. This is his norm but somehow you think it is because of his deep love for you. Yet he won't even stay and wake up with you the next morning. Maybe when he leaves your place he doesn't go home to his wife but to another woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 25, 2021 Share Posted November 25, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Maybe a relaxed evening tonight will give me some answers, although just realized it might not be as relaxed for him if he's indeed hiding... I really don't know anymore lol, bouncing ideas makes me even more confused Who in the world would he be hiding from? The family hitmen? Edited November 25, 2021 by stillafool 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 25, 2021 Share Posted November 25, 2021 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: In the same way I’d need to get used to some people hating on me after they get divorced/we get married. That’s the reality of being with “second hand” spouse, I really thought about it… Frankly, that is not something you likely need to worry about. The man isn't even talking about it, far less doing anything about it. The more I read and find out about the entire situation, the less chance I feel you have of being successful. Then there is the question of how sensible is it to put innocent children into this mess? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 25, 2021 Author Share Posted November 25, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: No guilt whatsoever for the fact that you are having sex and creating embryos with her husband - wow. You are deep in denial here - He is not choosing to be in a legitimate relationship with you because he is attached to the house? That’s his priority? The house that he spends very little time at every day because he’s out running errands and spending time with you? That’s quite an assumption to make. What evidence do you have to support this hypothesis? Maybe. I was only referring to why he goes there at night. It's something I brought up actually and his reasoning on the house was legit. I don't have evidence. I was only giving plausible hypotheses. I know she doesn't spend time with him and his family as well (and there are people in his family that do require physical help - something that I would 100% do if we're married... each on their own I guess). Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 25, 2021 Author Share Posted November 25, 2021 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Who in the world would he be hiding from? The family hitmen? It doesn't need to be from a "real" danger. I have a friend who recently divorced and moved very far away with her new BF. In fact, she wasn't divorced when she moved in with him. Up to this day, she says she has this visceral fear of PDA with her new partner in public, like she feels like her ex is watching her (which is logistically impossible due to distance). It's brain tricks that makes us "fear" things when we feel guilt.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 25, 2021 Author Share Posted November 25, 2021 1 hour ago, stillafool said: You don't know all of his previous tenants before you lived there? It could also be other women all over town. You said he used to be a party boy so staying out late every night; he had other women and yet you blame his poor wife. This is his norm but somehow you think it is because of his deep love for you. Yet he won't even stay and wake up with you the next morning. Maybe when he leaves your place he doesn't go home to his wife but to another woman. He's so passive and slow in approaching women I doubt it's possible. If he was different in the past - it is what it is - past. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 25, 2021 Share Posted November 25, 2021 2 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: I don't have evidence. I was only giving plausible hypotheses. I know she doesn't spend time with him and his family as well (and there are people in his family that do require physical help - something that I would 100% do if we're married... each on their own I guess). I would suggest that she has a healthy boundary, while you do not. 3 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: I was only referring to why he goes there at night. It's something I brought up actually and his reasoning on the house was legit. You are accepting of the fact that he gives a house and maintaining a lifestyle a higher value than living with you as a legitimate partner? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 25, 2021 Author Share Posted November 25, 2021 42 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Frankly, that is not something you likely need to worry about. The man isn't even talking about it, far less doing anything about it. The more I read and find out about the entire situation, the less chance I feel you have of being successful. Then there is the question of how sensible is it to put innocent children into this mess? He's not a talker - whether he's doing something - I do not know. I was planning to even bring it up tonight but looks like we'll have other people over... So the one that will get drilled is me. Of course they ask every time when we'll have kids etc and I've always been acting silly to deflect - not to embarrass him. I can handle it, just not my favorite thing. On the kids question - that's why I haven't have them yet:) Otherwise I'm so so ready for them. Link to post Share on other sites
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