Author TamBuktu Posted January 7, 2022 Author Share Posted January 7, 2022 21 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: So basically he confirmed everything we've been saying (the threats are BS, his money is secure, and the wife doesn't know about you), he confirmed that he won't be leaving (waiting for HER to make a move but she is clearly invested in the marriage and won't do it), and stated he really doesn't want a child. Are you going to continue your affair with him, knowing all this? I am. What i see besides the above is: - there is no real reason to hang on their relationship besides fears (which can be overcomed) -she won't initiate despite being unhappy for financial/security reasons - not a good reason to stay in a relationship, she'd inevitably look for connection elsewhere so his plot is not too much out of scope -he's open to having children besides being worried for being older (which i am too, but it's not a dealbreaker) The mere fact she was okay them to spend christmas etc apart tells me all i need to know about the status of their relationship and that I am NOT the main factor in breaking it.. She's emotionally checked out from all said and done so is he. Likely both of them are waiting a shoe to drop without taking responsibility. I'm not gonna lie this is very hard for me to handle. But not hard enough to leave all that we've build together behind us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 (edited) 15 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: He doesn't correct her for the obvious reason he doesn't want her to have a leverage agains him - and sure enough she will, if she can prove he's cheating. I am 1000% sure she suspects it, just have no hard evidence. This is the perfect excuse for him to stay with her isn't it? He knows she will never file for a divorce because what reason would she have? He could tell her he's in love with you and maybe she would then file but he doesn't want that or he'd tell her. He even lied to you that her family would threaten him, he lied to you about wanting kids, so what else is he lying to you about? If you had never questioned it you'd still think that he was under threat and wanted kids. If she doesn't care what he does, where he goes or who he's with it (which is what you said when you started this thread) should be easy to tell her he wants a divorce and they would have an amicable divorce. He's no different than all cheating MM and you will find this out. There's nothing special or different about him or your affair. He will keep you as his side woman for as long as you keep those blinders on, your mouth shut and stop pushing for more. Edited January 7, 2022 by stillafool 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 2 hours ago, TamBuktu said: This “loving supportive” husband spends every evening with me by his choice.. I just don’t see it. I’ve spoken to many friends and family of his and they avoid even mentioning her existence, just like he does. Then why don't you do the same since you are so sure he doesn't want her. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 (edited) 18 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Most people act very differently before and after having them, I wouldn't say i'm a big kid person myself but knowing they'll be my own changes everything. If someone choses not to have children by the time they are 50 and then expresses legitimate worry (your term), their feeling is unlikely to change when they have their own child. You can try to spin this as you will, but if you push forward when this man has chosen not to have children and has expressed his desire not to be a parent, it will be a mistake. It is a very unkind and irresponsible thing to do Tam. He needs to be enthusiastically onboard or you should not have children with this man. Edited January 7, 2022 by BaileyB 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 14 hours ago, BaileyB said: Tam, you make it seem like divorce is the most difficult thing - If their marriage was truly “toast,” it would be as simple as visiting a lawyer and packing a bag. He could sleep at your home tonight, if he wanted to do so… Please. People divorce every. single. day. For people who are truly done with their marriage, it is a formality. Right! like he's going to ride off into battle to slay the wicked ex W while you stay and keep hearth and home, welcoming him with open arms when he returns, a victor and you are the prize. 🙄 Look, if you're already spending all day every day together and he goes home to her it's because, AS USUAL, he's a cheater who's getting everything he wants - sex and companionship with you, and with HER - security, family, and whatever else they've built up together after all this time. He's got it pretty good, wouldn't you say? Why would he want to rock that boat? It doesn't take 4-6 months to get your "affairs in order." How does he know that? Has he talked to an attorney? It seems that you are willing to go full steam ahead with your plan to have him to yourself and have his baby, regardless of what we say, or even what HE says, so what's your plan now? Keep giving him the "confidence" he needs to file? Set everything up so that all he has to do is sign on the bottom line? I have to hand it to you - your determination is quite something when it comes to getting what you want. But the fact that this is all YOUR idea and that you're willing to orchestrate everything on his behalf to get it, even though he hasn't made ANY moves on his own, makes me think you're ok with the fact that he's lackadaisical about not only you but the cowardly way he allows his life to follow where the wind blows. I'm astounded that you're willing to go through the time, expense, and emotional toll of IVF with a man who goes home to his WIFE every evening! 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 (edited) 23 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: she won't initiate despite being unhappy for financial/security reasons - not a good reason to stay in a relationship, she'd inevitably look for connection elsewhere so his plot is not too much out of scope Except, she is in her 60’s and if my memory serves, she is physically unwell. A woman at this stage of life is not going to leave her marriage - she is not looking for love. You have created your own reality here - if A + B + C = H then she will of course do R. Wrong, you have no idea what this woman is thinking or what she wants. Perhaps she is entirely happy with the fact that he is never home and she gets to live in their home with privacy and freedom. This marriage obviously meets both their needs or they would not have stayed. And, she is obviously not looking for another relationship/planning to file for divorce if she wants to go to counselling and work on the relationship (if she actually said that). You assume that she is unhappy and you assume that because she is unhappy, she will look for another relationship. And then, you assume that because she has found another man, she will divorce her husbands. That’s a lot of assumptions, none of which could be true. Wouldn’t it be easier for him to simply tell her that he is unhappy and file for divorce? Seriously Tam, there are not a lot of 60 year old women on the dating market by choice - a woman at that age is more likely to divorce her cheating husband and live happily ever after alone, with the support of her friends, family, and children than go in search of another man. You are living in a fantasy land of your own creation… Edited January 7, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted January 7, 2022 Author Share Posted January 7, 2022 18 minutes ago, stillafool said: This is the perfect excuse for him to stay with her isn't it? He knows she will never file for a divorce because what reason would she have? He could tell her he's in love with you and maybe she would then file but he doesn't want that or he'd tell her. He even lied to you that her family would threaten him, he lied to you about wanting kids, so what else is he lying to you about? If you had never questioned it you'd still think that he was under threat and wanted kids. If she doesn't care what he does, where he goes or who he's with it (which is what you said when you started this thread) should be easy to tell her he wants a divorce and they would have an amicable divorce. He's no different than all cheating MM and you will find this out. There's nothing special or different about him or your affair. He will keep you as his side woman for as long as you keep those blinders on, your mouth shut and stop pushing for more. Maybe it's an excuse. Would it be a solid ground for nasty, contested divorce? - it sure will. He didn't lie. Her family has threatened others and he projected on himself. When I said I'll go to the police to protect him if so, he said no direct threat on him. He din't lie but his fear is not legitimate, that's all. She clearly doesn't care about his whereabouts but care about HIS house, HIS money and HER retirement that he'll make easy.... So in a way, she needs him. But you're right. No need to talk about her, let's focus on me and him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted January 7, 2022 Author Share Posted January 7, 2022 15 minutes ago, BaileyB said: If someone choses not to have children by the time they are 50 and then expresses legitimate worry (your term), their feeling is unlikely to change when they have their own child. You can try to spin this as you will, but if you push forward when this man has chosen not to have children and has expressed his desire not to be a parent, it will be a mistake. It is a very unkind and irresponsible thing to do Tam. He needs to be enthusiastically onboard or you should not have children with this man. Now I agree with that and even told him so. He never had kids for purely logistic reasons in the past. Could have he chosen fertile women? Yes. But he put love over kids like many people ahem men that have no bio-clock do... and then he's trying to fit a narrative to explain his own poor choices, that's my take. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 (edited) 6 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Would it be a solid ground for nasty, contested divorce? - it sure will. So what - people file and settle nasty contested divorces every day. And considering that they have no children together, and if I remember correctly separate accounts and property, what is there to contest? This divorce may well be the easiest divorce to settle - 6 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: He didn't lie. He did lie. He lies to you everyday about the fact that he intends to divorce. He lies to her everyday about your existence. He lied to you about the reasons why he can’t divorce - and then took that lie back when you offered to go to the police (because he somehow needs you to protect him). He lied to you about the money. The reality is, you don’t know what is a lie and what is the truth - 6 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: She clearly doesn't care about his whereabouts but care about HIS house, HIS money and HER retirement that he'll make easy.... So in a way, she needs him. I thought you said she was the wealthy one. She didn’t need him - she could divorce and live quite comfortably because she held the purse strings in the marriage. Your jealousy is showing, I’m afraid. Edited January 7, 2022 by BaileyB 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted January 7, 2022 Author Share Posted January 7, 2022 10 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: Right! like he's going to ride off into battle to slay the wicked ex W while you stay and keep hearth and home, welcoming him with open arms when he returns, a victor and you are the prize. 🙄 Look, if you're already spending all day every day together and he goes home to her it's because, AS USUAL, he's a cheater who's getting everything he wants - sex and companionship with you, and with HER - security, family, and whatever else they've built up together after all this time. He's got it pretty good, wouldn't you say? Why would he want to rock that boat? It doesn't take 4-6 months to get your "affairs in order." How does he know that? Has he talked to an attorney? It seems that you are willing to go full steam ahead with your plan to have him to yourself and have his baby, regardless of what we say, or even what HE says, so what's your plan now? Keep giving him the "confidence" he needs to file? Set everything up so that all he has to do is sign on the bottom line? I have to hand it to you - your determination is quite something when it comes to getting what you want. But the fact that this is all YOUR idea and that you're willing to orchestrate everything on his behalf to get it, even though he hasn't made ANY moves on his own, makes me think you're ok with the fact that he's lackadaisical about not only you but the cowardly way he allows his life to follow where the wind blows. I'm astounded that you're willing to go through the time, expense, and emotional toll of IVF with a man who goes home to his WIFE every evening! I've already spend considerable chunk of time and money on fertility preservation so one more is not going to change much (besides improve probabilities)... I am reaching an age in which it's not an emotional decision but purely practical. For the rest I agree, partially. He have it the easy way and he is selfish and/or fearful enough to keep it this way. However - he's also playing games that we both know about. Like he claimed I chased him down to start a relationship when he, for a matter of years, kept contacting me and ploying setups to get together lol. It's almost like a role play - he's innocent, I got him into this. He's innocent, his soon-to-be-ex got him into their marriage... I am 100% sure he knows how things really are and that's just a play maybe to calm his conscience.. But anyway, if he plays, I can play too. If he wants a woman to lead the relationship like he claims - so be it. I'll take a lead and he'll follow the wind, and in the end all will be happy... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 12 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Except, she is in her 60’s and if my memory serves, she is physically unwell. A woman at this stage of life is not going to leave her marriage - she is not looking for love. I'm not sure she is physically ill this is what Tam has said the wife has to look forward to because she's 60. At the beginning of this thread Tam gave the illusion that the wife may be carrying on her own affair and now saying MM is going to look up the love of his wife's life in hopes that he can convince her to file for divorce. I mean LOL....... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 7 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I thought you said she was the wealthy one. She didn’t need him - she could divorce and live quite comfortably because she held the purse strings in the marriage. Your jealousy is showing, I’m afraid. The lies here are getting harder and harder to keep up with. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted January 7, 2022 Author Share Posted January 7, 2022 15 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Except, she is in her 60’s and if my memory serves, she is physically unwell. A woman at this stage of life is not going to leave her marriage - she is not looking for love. You have created your own reality here - if A + B + C = H then she will of course do R. Wrong, you have no idea what this woman is thinking or what she wants. Perhaps she is entirely happy with the fact that he is never home and she gets to live in their home with privacy and freedom. This marriage obviously meets both their needs or they would not have stayed. And, she is obviously not looking for another relationship/planning to file for divorce if she wants to go to counselling and work on the relationship (if she actually said that). You assume that she is unhappy and you assume that because she is unhappy, she will look for another relationship. And then, you assume that because she has found another man, she will divorce her husbands. That’s a lot of assumptions, none of which could be true. Wouldn’t it be easier for him to simply tell her that he is unhappy and file for divorce? Seriously Tam, there are not a lot of 60 year old women on the dating market by choice - a woman at that age is more likely to divorce her cheating husband and live happily ever after alone, with the support of her friends, family, and children than go in search of another man. You are living in a fantasy land of your own creation… Yeah, last 2 paragraphs. I think she'll go this way and have soft evidence supporting it. I'll put it very blunt here. I can see what's holding her - he's the type that do what he's told to and she takes advantage. I also truly believe SHE is convinced he has no strength to oppose her let alone divorce. He put himself into this position, not her fault, he's like this once again in any aspect of his life and i've warned him time and time again people take advantage, his only response when they do is to become avoidant to them and to some extent passive aggressive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 3 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: He's also playing games. It's almost like a role play - he's innocent, I got him into this. He's innocent, his soon-to-be-ex got him into their marriage... But anyway, if he plays, I can play too. If he wants a woman to lead the relationship like he claims - so be it. I'll take a lead and he'll follow the wind, and in the end all will be happy... Because that’s how healthy, long term relationships are built - What you see in this man and why you would ever chose to involve yourself in this relationship is beyond me. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 15 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: She clearly doesn't care about his whereabouts but care about HIS house, HIS money and HER retirement that he'll make easy.... So in a way, she needs him. But you're right. No need to talk about her, let's focus on me and him. This woman is going to get what is due to her financially in the divorce. Nothing, not you or him can prevent it. Again, no reason for him to hang on to her. They are probably still having sex because you have said it's not about sex between you and him and it's finally getting a bit better.. He's been getting it somewhere maybe where he goes when he leaves your house at night and then goes home. Either over there or when he gets home for sure. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted January 7, 2022 Author Share Posted January 7, 2022 11 minutes ago, BaileyB said: So what - people file and settle nasty contested divorces every day. And considering that they have no children together, and if I remember correctly separate accounts and property, what is there to contest? This divorce may well be the easiest divorce to settle - He did lie. He lies to you everyday about the fact that he intends to divorce. He lies to her everyday about your existence. He lied to you about the reasons why he can’t divorce - and then took that lie back when you offered to go to the police (because he somehow needs you to protect him). He lied to you about the money. The reality is, you don’t know what is a lie and what is the truth - I thought you said she was the wealthy one. She didn’t need him - she could divorce and live quite comfortably because she held the purse strings in the marriage. Your jealousy is showing, I’m afraid. Is it that easy really? I witnessed a few but have no direct experience so my question is: is cheating complicating factor for a divorce? She has money and can live quite comfortably yet she'll still lose - right now her money are hers and she resides freely in his property, uses his skills when repairs are needed etc. She has a lot to lose, there is not denying of that. Jealosy or not jealosy these are the facts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted January 7, 2022 Author Share Posted January 7, 2022 8 minutes ago, stillafool said: I'm not sure she is physically ill this is what Tam has said the wife has to look forward to because she's 60. At the beginning of this thread Tam gave the illusion that the wife may be carrying on her own affair and now saying MM is going to look up the love of his wife's life in hopes that he can convince her to file for divorce. I mean LOL....... Exactly, it's her age I was referring to - virtually everyone at that age will have conditions of some sort soon. I still insist she IS living a double life too. The only reason he brought up a particular man is because he was chasing her down in the first few years of their marriage so in his (twisted) brain he'll be doing everyone a favor if he sets them back up 🤣 I am laughing to this of course, it's not how it works... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted January 7, 2022 Author Share Posted January 7, 2022 5 minutes ago, stillafool said: This woman is going to get what is due to her financially in the divorce. Nothing, not you or him can prevent it. Again, no reason for him to hang on to her. They are probably still having sex because you have said it's not about sex between you and him and it's finally getting a bit better.. He's been getting it somewhere maybe where he goes when he leaves your house at night and then goes home. Either over there or when he gets home for sure. Is that so? Considering no kids and no joint property what she can get out of this? Would alimony be due after court date? She has old money in trusts I'm afraid, her current income is probably 20% if that of what he's making.. That worries me but I don't want to turn the discussions with him into money calculations...Lol for sex, we have plenty of it.. um daily. It IS getting better, in terms of quality. It is weird to me why but whatever. We started platonic and it took a loooooooong time to built to what we have now and his sexual styles are a bit unusual that's all. I asked directly is/was he sexually active with her after we got together and learned unfortunately there was some overlap It did hurt me, obviously, but it's in the past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 9 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: he claimed I chased him down to start a relationship when he, for a matter of years, kept contacting me and ploying setups to get together lol. It's almost like a role play - he's innocent, I got him into this. He's innocent, his soon-to-be-ex got him into their marriage... And when and if his wife ever finds out about you he will be quick to throw you under the bus saying you kept chasing him even though he was beating you off of him. 2 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Is it that easy really? I witnessed a few but have no direct experience so my question is: is cheating complicating factor for a divorce? She has money and can live quite comfortably yet she'll still lose - right now her money are hers and she resides freely in his property, uses his skills when repairs are needed etc. She has a lot to lose, there is not denying of that. Jealosy or not jealosy these are the facts. It's not that she's using his skills for repairs. He's repairing THEIR property. Big difference. He's not her employee. And, if she has her own money and can live comfortably, plus what the court awards her she won't lose much. No good reason at all for him not to file for divorce - accept he doesn't want to. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 3 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Is that so? Considering no kids and no joint property what she can get out of this? Would alimony be due after court date? Yes. Considering how long they have been married and he's the sole bread winner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted January 7, 2022 Author Share Posted January 7, 2022 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: And when and if his wife ever finds out about you he will be quick to throw you under the bus saying you kept chasing him even though he was beating you off of him. It's not that she's using his skills for repairs. He's repairing THEIR property. Big difference. He's not her employee. And, if she has her own money and can live comfortably, plus what the court awards her she won't lose much. No good reason at all for him not to file for divorce - accept he doesn't want to. You didn't answer my question can she claim alimony or anything considering there is NO property acquired after marriage with her name on it? Can she get alimony past the court date? It is HIS property and not theirs, there is no denying of that, all verified;) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 14 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Is it that easy really? I witnessed a few but have no direct experience so my question is: is cheating complicating factor for a divorce? She has money and can live quite comfortably yet she'll still lose - right now her money are hers and she resides freely in his property, uses his skills when repairs are needed etc. She has a lot to lose, there is not denying of that. Jealosy or not jealosy these are the facts. Look he's got what he wants right NOW - he has a lot to lose, too! Otherwise he wouldn't be pushing back on it. Why would he walk away from his arrangement with you AND her? To be a full-time dad at his age with you? He doesn't want that! That ship has sailed for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted January 7, 2022 Author Share Posted January 7, 2022 1 minute ago, stillafool said: Yes. Considering how long they have been married and he's the sole bread winner. Thanks, just saw that. She works, just doesn't make much. I need to check length of occupancy laws in our state.. You know I don't care if he keeps his house. For him there is a sentimental value attached and i respect that, otherwise I'd have said just let her have it.. We are very fortunate to have enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 4 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Thanks, just saw that. She works, just doesn't make much. I need to check length of occupancy laws in our state.. You know I don't care if he keeps his house. For him there is a sentimental value attached and i respect that, otherwise I'd have said just let her have it.. We are very fortunate to have enough. She may not even want it. One person living in an older home that may need repairs from time to time is not feasible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted January 7, 2022 Author Share Posted January 7, 2022 1 minute ago, stillafool said: She may not even want it. One person living in an older home that may need repairs from time to time is not feasible. Tell me about it lol, that's my current living situation and I'm managing but it's tricky. But yeah, his house needs significant work, even for him who is very skilled is a challenge to upkeep... Value is very high though, if that's what she wants.. From his end, his sentimental attachment is too strong to ever sell it 😕 Link to post Share on other sites
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