It's complicated - insight needed

[TamBuktu]

8 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

That you view a disclosure  in which both betrayed spouses are blindsided and devastated with rose-colored glasses, and you see it as an inspiration, says something disturbing about you. It could very well be that both couples were ill-matched, but I’m sure it was absolutely horrible for everyone concerned 

I didn’t mean that- I meant the man gave the woman the space to decide, both dated instead of rushing into marriage pronto, both did soul searching. There are a lot of positive things in that story.

(BW was a narcissist and abuser and OW unhappy in her marriage anyway, not sure who would have benefited of the former couples stayed together; but that wasn’t my point at all)

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I love our safe bubble and him being accepting and loving. 

However if you shift into a real reality where you are an exclusive couple it will shift your dynamic. For example you may have to live with him. You may be the target of his passive-aggressive behaviors and cheating/lying. Keeping it in suspended animation like this helps both of you avoid the difficulties of actually being together.

[RebeccaR]

1 minute ago, TamBuktu said:

I didn’t mean that- I meant the man gave the woman the space to decide, both dated instead of rushing into marriage pronto, both did soul searching. There are a lot of positive things in that story.

(BW was a narcissist and abuser and OW unhappy in her marriage anyway, not sure who would have benefited of the former couples stayed together; but that wasn’t my point at all)

Do you think your (married) boyfriend’s wife is unhappy? Maybe she is quite happy and not abusive. Maybe he is happy too as long as he has a pretty, young distraction in the evenings. Convincing yourself they are unhappily married is self-serving.

[Birdies]

2 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I didn’t mean that- I meant the man gave the woman the space to decide, both dated instead of rushing into marriage pronto, both did soul searching. There are a lot of positive things in that story.

(BW was a narcissist and abuser and OW unhappy in her marriage anyway, not sure who would have benefited of the former couples stayed together; but that wasn’t my point at all)

I agree that the fact that we both took time to decide what to do without any pressure from each other, and came together organically, is definitely a good thing.  Despite cheating on his wife, my husband is a wonderful and kind man and cared about me deeply, so he wanted me to do what was best for me regardless of his place in it.

Anyway, I will say that while it can work out well, it usually doesn't.  Usually the people involved aren't willing to completely upend their lives, and even if they do, often the character flaws that led to the cheating will be detrimental to a healthy authentic marriage.  Best of luck to you.

[TamBuktu]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

However if you shift into a real reality where you are an exclusive couple it will shift your dynamic. For example you may have to live with him. You may be the target of his passive-aggressive behaviors and cheating/lying. Keeping it in suspended animation like this helps both of you avoid the difficulties of actually being together.

I wonder about that. Our activities and lifestyles at the moment are aligned to perfection. I know certain things that bother me (I highly doubt he will cheat but yes, he can be passive aggressive) and I am going to think how to manage these.. Day to day very little will change.. until we have kids. Then the actual reality will begin and I'm prepping for that mentally.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I wonder about that. Our activities and lifestyles at the moment are aligned to perfection.

Exactly. His stinky socks lying around and morning breath and paying bills and arguing about household stuff will burst the happy bubble quite quickly.

Right now he escapes his domineering wife and you escape loneliness, so in that sense, it works.

[TamBuktu]

20 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Do you think your (married) boyfriend’s wife is unhappy? Maybe she is quite happy and not abusive. Maybe he is happy too as long as he has a pretty, young distraction in the evenings. Convincing yourself they are unhappily married is self-serving.

My honest opinion? Nope. She's perfectly happy. I don't think she's abusive.. in the traditional sense. I think she feels very accomplished to "prove" to her ex husband and father of her kids that she can replace him with an young submissive puppy that she can lead by the neck and puts in his place. He would never complain of course because she'd remind him who's the superior one, any day that she feels like it.

Well, the puppy is straying a little but why would she care - she has the security and the help she needs. And the "marriage" umbrella keeps her being the "good guy" in the story, right? 

She has also not much to rush for - she's well into her 60s, has her kids, grandkids, assets, career etc - for her this is all checked and done. To her she's a convenient accessory that can also mow the loan and repair the sink when needed.

That's my belief, based on observations. And yes I can be truly biased, of course I am since I am involved. He never told me these things if you are wondering btw. I am the one being condescending and I fully stand behind every word I wrote in this post.

[TamBuktu]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. His stinky socks lying around and morning breath and paying bills and arguing about household stuff will burst the happy bubble quite quickly.

Right now he escapes his domineering wife and you escape loneliness, so in that sense, it works.

We kind of already do that - have a common budget and shared household chores. We have discussed that is the level he feels comfortable with - we will not mix finances or assets in the future either, and for daily stuff we are "training".

The escapade is real though, I know it will be a huge transition like the "hole" you feel after you graduate or get a promotion... I am scared even thinking about it.

[RebeccaR]

2 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

To her she's a convenient accessory that can also mow the loan and repair the sink when needed.

Saying this makes you seem ridiculous, frankly. No woman in her 60s would remain married for this reason. Lol 

[TamBuktu]

1 minute ago, RebeccaR said:

Saying this makes you seem ridiculous, frankly. No woman in her 60s would remain married for this reason. Lol 

Tell me more, I haven't interacted with this age group too much. That's an opinion I formed after talking with the few people in that age group that I am close to, but that's a small and biased sample.

[RebeccaR]

3 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

Tell me more, I haven't interacted with this age group too much. That's an opinion I formed after talking with the few people in that age group that I am close to, but that's a small and biased sample.

She would just pay someone to do these tasks.

And if she is trying to one-up her ex, being cheated on would make her look bad. Which probably means she doesn’t know or she would ditch the cheater.

 

[TamBuktu]

8 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

She would just pay someone to do these tasks.

And if she is trying to one-up her ex, being cheated on would make her look bad. Which probably means she doesn’t know or she would ditch the cheater.

 

Ah that’s what you mean- I was speaking figuratively to represent the convenience of the “accessory”

I think for that reason she’d never admit it out loud- makes her look bad. She must be fully convinced she has him in her pocket so cheating is not bothering her.

In her world- he’s incapable of leaving (and maybe she’s right… )

Or, she’s truly delusional, I mean it’s no way that she’s living under a rock and not noticing signs.

[RebeccaR]

2 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I mean it’s no way that she’s living under a rock and not noticing signs.

Do you know for sure he didn’t have a different evening companion before you arrived on the scene? Maybe this has always been their pattern 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

 young submissive puppy that she can lead by the neck and puts in his place.

🐶 Is that what you think of him as or what he tells you she thinks of him as? Not very flattering, no? You mention he's handy and you watch him make repairs. Is he the super in the building?

[TamBuktu]

3 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Do you know for sure he didn’t have a different evening companion before you arrived on the scene? Maybe this has always been their pattern 

Yes he did and she is not home late anyway, but you know what I mean, women generally have 6th sense when it comes to cheating, people are talking, his focus is elsewhere.. And she has been there done that with her other divorce, it’s nothing new for her to miss the (very obvious very big in your face) red flag

[TamBuktu]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

🐶 Is that what you think of him as or what he tells you she thinks of him as? Not very flattering, no? You mention he's handy and you watch him make repairs. Is he the super in the building?

Lol that was a hyperbolic statement I used to get my point across. I think she thinks that yes, to some extent.

He is very handy and enjoys this as a hobby and everyone is speculating with this including me haha. But again I was just painting a picture here, didn’t mean that’s all she’s after more so the convenience aspect.

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

Yes he did and she is not home late anyway, but you know what I mean, women generally have 6th sense when it comes to cheating, people are talking, his focus is elsewhere.. And she has been there done that with her other divorce, it’s nothing new for her to miss the (very obvious very big in your face) red flag

Maybe he is not taking his focus elsewhere.
You don't know what is really happening in their marriage, only they do.
You are assuming a lot here.
You have blind faith in him, maybe she does too...

[elaine567]

So he used to have another "evening companion" before you?
Is that correct?

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

 her other divorce

How many times has she been divorced?

[RebeccaR]

12 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

 

Edited November 5, 2021 by RebeccaR

[TamBuktu]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How many times has she been divorced?

This will be N2. Once before

[TamBuktu]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

So he used to have another "evening companion" before you?
Is that correct?

Yes, that’s correct. But not a lover of that’s what you’re asking:)

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, TamBuktu said:

StillAFool - knowing his personality, no decision is easy for him, especially a decision involving direct confrontation. It is not a feature I like but i love him despite it not because of it.

Well this is funny because how in the world do you expect him to end this marriage if you won't ask him to, he is afraid to confront his wife and you love him in spite of it all.  No movement means no action in any direction.  He isn't going anywhere but home again to his wife.

[stillafool]

54 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

Or, she’s truly delusional, I mean it’s no way that she’s living under a rock and not noticing signs.

Why don't you be the bigger woman and tell her you're screwing around with her husband and get this out in the open.  She deserves much better than him.

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

Yes, that’s correct. But not a lover of that’s what you’re asking:)

He'll probably tell the next one the same thing about you.