Author TamBuktu Posted November 7, 2021 Author Share Posted November 7, 2021 11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: And what is that difference? Being vulnerable is being your authentic self. Being cringey is forgetting normal interpersonal boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 24 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Knowing him, the chance he’ll say any of these things is extremely low, even if he thinks them. So it’s not a fear of rejection, it’s more of a fear of putting myself all out there, and getting no clarity. And also- I’m extremely worried of getting overly emotional. Ok so how on earth can you work with a man like that? You can't. So even if he is NOT leaving his wife, does not want marriage, or kids, he wouldn't tell you??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 7, 2021 Author Share Posted November 7, 2021 9 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Exactly. Quit wasting your own time and his. He’s a grown man, he can handle it. If he is serious about this relationship, he will do what is required to be with you. End of story. I'll try. We'll get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 7, 2021 Author Share Posted November 7, 2021 Just now, elaine567 said: Ok so how on earth can you work with a man like that? You can't. So even if he is NOT leaving his wife, does not want marriage, or kids, he wouldn't tell you??? He has his issues yes. Also long story. But I accepted him as is, and I know from past experiences he eventually opens up, but never under pressure. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 The next question is, what are you going to do if he indicates that he is not planning to leave his marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 7, 2021 Author Share Posted November 7, 2021 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: The next question is, what are you going to do if he indicates that he is not planning to leave his marriage? I'll ask him what the reasons are and decide from there Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: But I accepted him as is Let’s not use this as an excuse for his lack of communication. We all have different ways we like to communicate. Many men do not enjoy having difficult, emotional conversations. That doesn’t give them reason to avoid discussing the things that matter - like, their intentions, related to their relationship and their goals for life. You have a very definite plan for the future - and your goals do not align with his right now considering that he is married to another woman. Again, happily or unhappily, living together or not, on paper or actually committed to each other - you can believe what you want to believe. But, he is legally married to the woman and he is not able to be the husband and father that you desire because of this fact. So, whether he likes it or not, it’s time after three years to have a hard discussion about his intentions, his plans - your future. Don’t hide behind the fact that it’s his marriage, that you don’t have a right to know and you don’t want to pressure him in any way - It’s your relationship, it’s your future, it’s your time that he’s wasting if your intention is marriage and family… if this isn’t his plan, he has an obligation to tell you this so that you can make the decision that is right for you. Maybe, that decision is to continue in this relationship, either as a single mother or childless… Maybe, that decision is to leave this relationship and have a child and/or find another relationship. Whatever you decide, it’s not fair that he is not honest with you about his intentions… That is neither a kind or loving thing to do to another person. Edited November 7, 2021 by BaileyB 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: I'll ask him what the reasons are and decide from there So in other words, you will continue this affair if he gives you reasons that you find acceptable. Edited November 7, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 12 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: But I accepted him as is, and I know from past experiences he eventually opens up, but never under pressure. This is the kind of a man who you can free wheel with, he never says much about "love" or the future, but he keeps coming round, his actions tell you he cares... You never press him and all is hunky dory, even good. Things progress without much being said or labels applied. All is fine if you don't want the trappings of commitment or you have all the time in the world. BUT here you do not have time to wait till he catches up. You need answers now... You are going to have to press him on the hard questions, because he, as sure as hell, isn't going to volunteer any info. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 6 minutes ago, elaine567 said: This is the kind of a man who you can free wheel with, he never says much about "love" or the future, but he keeps coming round, his actions tell you he cares... You never press him and all is hunky dory, even good. Things progress without much being said or labels applied. All is fine if you don't want the trappings of commitment or you have all the time in the world. BUT here you do not have time to wait till he catches up. You need answers now... You are going to have to press him on the hard questions, because he, as sure as hell, isn't going to volunteer any info. You described a single man with a fear of commitment. Not a man who’s actually unavailable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 7, 2021 Author Share Posted November 7, 2021 11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: So in other words, you will continue this affair if he gives you reasons that you find acceptable. Exactly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 7, 2021 Author Share Posted November 7, 2021 11 minutes ago, elaine567 said: This is the kind of a man who you can free wheel with, he never says much about "love" or the future, but he keeps coming round, his actions tell you he cares... You never press him and all is hunky dory, even good. Things progress without much being said or labels applied. All is fine if you don't want the trappings of commitment or you have all the time in the world. BUT here you do not have time to wait till he catches up. You need answers now... You are going to have to press him on the hard questions, because he, as sure as hell, isn't going to volunteer any info. Thank you, that’s what I need 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 7, 2021 Author Share Posted November 7, 2021 16 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Let’s not use this as an excuse for his lack of communication. We all have different ways we like to communicate. Many men do not enjoy having difficult, emotional conversations. That doesn’t give them reason to avoid discussing the things that matter - like, their intentions, related to their relationship and their goals for life. You have a very definite plan for the future - and your goals do not align with his right now considering that he is married to another woman. Again, happily or unhappily, living together or not, on paper or actually committed to each other - you can believe what you want to believe. But, he is legally married to the woman and he is not able to be the husband and father that you desire because of this fact. So, whether he likes it or not, it’s time after three years to have a hard discussion about his intentions, his plans - your future. Don’t hide behind the fact that it’s his marriage, that you don’t have a right to know and you don’t want to pressure him in any way - It’s your relationship, it’s your future, it’s your time that he’s wasting if your intention is marriage and family… if this isn’t his plan, he has an obligation to tell you this so that you can make the decision that is right for you. Maybe, that decision is to continue in this relationship, either as a single mother or childless… Maybe, that decision is to leave this relationship and have a child and/or find another relationship. Whatever you decide, it’s not fair that he is not honest with you about his intentions… That is neither a kind or loving thing to do to another person. Yes, I told him what he’s doing is selfish. I know it isn’t intentionally selfish but that’s what it ultimately boils down to. I’ll talk more and update, it might take a bit of time but weeks not years. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 2 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Exactly So, in that case, you will not have a baby with him either. Correct? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 1 minute ago, RebeccaR said: You described a single man with a fear of commitment. Not a man who’s actually unavailable. BUT the OP is in a very similar situation. The affair has been free wheeling along for 3 years, he offers no real commitment, bar showing up every evening, she asks no questions. He may indeed be commitmentphobic, hence the "bachelor" existence. Married but not acting married, in an affair yet no promises... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: So, in that case, you will not have a baby with him either. Correct? She can still be a single mom with his genetic material, it’s just not her first choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 8 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Exactly I think any reason he gives you will be deemed satisfactory by you. He’s not going to say he values his wife or their relationship, even if it’s the truth. He will tell you about the logistical difficulties (money, threats) and you will feel sympathy that he’s going through this pain. Don’t accept his reasons at face value, is my recommendation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 3 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: She can still be a single mom with his genetic material, it’s just not her first choice. Obviously. But she previously indicated she wouldn't want to have a baby with him unless they were married. Hence my question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Obviously. But she previously indicated she wouldn't want to have a baby with him unless they were married. Hence my question. I think that was Plan B or C. Hard to keep track. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 7, 2021 Author Share Posted November 7, 2021 10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: So, in that case, you will not have a baby with him either. Correct? Most likely not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 7, 2021 Author Share Posted November 7, 2021 Just now, RebeccaR said: I think that was Plan B or C. Hard to keep track. If his reasons are completely unacceptable for me the plan C (LOL) is having a baby on my own not together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 7, 2021 Author Share Posted November 7, 2021 5 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: I think any reason he gives you will be deemed satisfactory by you. He’s not going to say he values his wife or their relationship, even if it’s the truth. He will tell you about the logistical difficulties (money, threats) and you will feel sympathy that he’s going through this pain. Don’t accept his reasons at face value, is my recommendation. I won't. I am going to offer solutions for any logistical difficulty and eventually the truth will surface. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 4 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: If his reasons are completely unacceptable for me the plan C (LOL) is having a baby on my own not together. Would you use a donor in that case? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 The other possible scenrio is that he may eventually lose interest in you, and fade out. (Or, for whatever unforeseen reason, calls it off aburptly) I hope you have a plan for yourself (also legally, given he's your beneficiary) if that happens. It would be extremely unwise to rule the possibility that this will end someday, and not because you wanted it that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: The other possible scenrio is that he may eventually lose interest in you, and fade out. (Or, for whatever unforeseen reason, calls it off aburptly) I hope you have a plan for yourself (also legally, given he's your beneficiary) if that happens. It would be extremely unwise to rule the possibility that this will end someday, and not because you wanted it that way. More likely his wife will find out and put an end to things 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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