Wiseman2 Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 2 hours ago, TamBuktu said: I haven't been in the one of three possible units where she lives. 1) to be more direct with him 2) stand my ground 3) learn more about her 4) ensure he's aligned with the goals to be full-time husband&dad in the near future So you have not been inside their home/apartment, just in the lobby? 1. There's nothing to be direct about. You both know he's married, you both know about the embryo, so he already knows all this. 2. By standing your ground, it means you would stop seeing a married man so you have a chance at marriage and family. 3. His wife and marriage are none of your business. He's married and that's all you need to know. 4. If he were "aligned" with this he would have done something long ago when he donated sperm and he would have divorced long ago. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 7, 2021 Author Share Posted November 7, 2021 26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: So you have not been inside their home/apartment, just in the lobby? 1. There's nothing to be direct about. You both know he's married, you both know about the embryo, so he already knows all this. 2. By standing your ground, it means you would stop seeing a married man so you have a chance at marriage and family. 3. His wife and marriage are none of your business. He's married and that's all you need to know. 4. If he were "aligned" with this he would have done something long ago when he donated sperm and he would have divorced long ago. In any case I have decided on the above as my “action items”. If I were wrong with the choice, my bad, I still have decided. It’s confusing because it’s more than one house in question and I can’t explain here. Expat: he won’t leave. That’s the only thing he was very clear about. He will only leave if I want him to. Thank God I don’t have to worry about that amidst all other worries. On the reproductive question, I’ll cross that bridge when/if I get there. Simple answer is I haven’t decided because I still firmly believe plan A will work out. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 50 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: I won't. I am going to offer solutions for any logistical difficulty and eventually the truth will surface. And if it doesn’t, you will probably provide the answers yourself - no? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 15 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Expat: he won’t leave. That’s the only thing he was very clear about. He will only leave if I want him to. Thank God I don’t have to worry about that amidst all other worries. Leave who? His wife? He can't leave you because he isn't with you in the first place. And even if you meant he will never stop seeing you, you cannot be that naive. Relationships end all the time. It would be foolish to think this could simply never happen here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 1 minute ago, TamBuktu said: That’s the only thing he was very clear about. He will only leave if I want him to. Thank God I don’t have to worry about that amidst all other worries. He is putting all the responsibility onto you. So if all goes wrong then it is your fault... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 7, 2021 Author Share Posted November 7, 2021 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Leave who? His wife? He can't leave you because he isn't with you in the first place. And even if you meant he will never stop seeing you, you cannot be that naive. Relationships end all the time. It would be foolish to think this could simply never happen here. He will never leave ME. Take it or not, call it what you want. I trust him 100% on that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 7, 2021 Author Share Posted November 7, 2021 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: He is putting all the responsibility onto you. So if all goes wrong then it is your fault... Exactly that. But it is what it is, I’ll take the responsibility like I always do. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 Just now, TamBuktu said: He will never leave ME. That's ok. But he may never leave his wife either, so yes, if you want more than the affair, you'll have to have a family out-of-wedlock or leave him to not waste more time and start dating honest single men who want to be committed to you.. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 7, 2021 Author Share Posted November 7, 2021 10 minutes ago, BaileyB said: And if it doesn’t, you will probably provide the answers yourself - no? Yup, I’ll investigate one way or another. I’ll write more later. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 Just now, TamBuktu said: Yup, I’ll investigate one way or another. I meant, you will provide the answers that you need to justify your decision to stay in this relationship. You will fill in the blanks, as they say. You will continue to make assumptions, and your confirmation bias will turn whatever he says into the support that you need to stay in this relationship. You will take on the responsibility, you will bear the burden - giving, and never actually getting what you truly want… 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 7 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: Exactly that. But it is what it is, I’ll take the responsibility like I always do. But why? He is a grown man, he is nearly 50, why would you need to shoulder all the responsibility? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 It took 24 pages to get to the crux of it all -- You are too afraid to directly state your needs and expectations, and you will stay as his mistress if he won't divorce. I think that pretty much sums it up. So what insight and advice do you want from us? You naysay any comment that isn't what you want to hear. You think your love affair is unique and special, but it's really quite ordinary. Married man who is conflict avoidant (although EXTREME in his case) and OW who is reluctant to rock the boat. I'm sorry, but these things rarely work out in the OW's favor. You're wasting precious time on this man. 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 19 minutes ago, elaine567 said: But why? He is a grown man, he is nearly 50, why would you need to shoulder all the responsibility? He hasn’t budged in three years. So, if she doesn’t make the sacrifice, this relationship doesn’t work. But yes, he is a grown man capable of making his own life decisions. I’m not sure why OP feels the need to shoulder all the responsibility and offer excuses for the man… Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 22 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: He will never leave ME. Take it or not, call it what you want. I trust him 100% on that. He can't leave you when he isn't with you, OP. The only woman he can leave is his wife. But rather than argue semantics, your biggest mistake in all of this is blindly trusting this man. The more you write, the more I suspect he zeroed in on you because you have a childlike naivety that works perfectly to his advatnage. You want so badly for this to work out that you believe everything he says. I also wonder if he's actually already separated from his wife and just has never told you because he doesn't actually want to be with you. So he makes up excuses about being too "afraid" to leave because it keeps you in your place and he can keep enjoying you as it suits him but still not commit to you. The amount of time you say you spend together would raise any wife's alarm bells. Something doesn't add up there. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: The more you write, the more I suspect he zeroed in on you because you have a childlike naivety that works perfectly to his advatnage. She is also apparently a woman of financial means, educated, a professional, perhaps a physician, who has signed over her life savings to him. Of course he won’t “leave”. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 Just now, RebeccaR said: She is also apparently a woman of financial means, educated, a professional, perhaps a physician, who has signed over her life savings to him. Of course he won’t “leave”. This has a lot to do with it, yes. OP won't ever see it that way, but it's plain as day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: He can't leave you when he isn't with you, OP. The only woman he can leave is his wife. Furthermore, she doesn’t actually “have” the man. She doesn’t “have” what she really wants most - and there is no potential to get it, unless he decides to actually divorce his wife… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: He will never leave ME. Take it or not, call it what you want. I trust him 100% on that. So if you're so sure of yourself and him, got all of the answers, why are you here? What information are you looking for and in 25 pages you still don't have the answer? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: That's ok. But he may never leave his wife either, so yes, if you want more than the affair, you'll have to have a family out-of-wedlock or leave him to not waste more time and start dating honest single men who want to be committed to you.. He isn't going to leave his wife and Tam will be waiting around still living in la la land in 3 years when she turns 40. He will be looking 60 straight in the face and it's doubtful he will feel like raising kids at that point in life. Even if she decides to be a single mother she'd better start now or even yesterday. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 28 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: She is also apparently a woman of financial means, educated, a professional, perhaps a physician, who has signed over her life savings to him. Of course he won’t “leave”. According to Tam he is the one who is paying her way. (roll eyes) Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 7, 2021 Share Posted November 7, 2021 6 hours ago, TamBuktu said: Long story but I literally had no say, the person had a life agenda and I was just a convenient puppet who says yes. This is probably what the MM likes about you. Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted November 8, 2021 Share Posted November 8, 2021 Boy oh boy. Having read all this, I just have to ask you op... Are you happy? I’m a firm believer in Occams Razor. And I believe the simplest explanation for this is he hasn’t left his wife yet because he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t bring it up ever because he’s happy with the status quo. Have you read the threads in the OW/OM board? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 8, 2021 Author Share Posted November 8, 2021 9 hours ago, BaileyB said: And if it doesn’t, you will probably provide the answers yourself - no? Lol pretty much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 8, 2021 Author Share Posted November 8, 2021 (edited) 8 hours ago, BaileyB said: Furthermore, she doesn’t actually “have” the man. She doesn’t “have” what she really wants most - and there is no potential to get it, unless he decides to actually divorce his wife… Of course not lol, I woudn't "have" him even if we were married. He is his independent self and all I can have is his love (which I already do) and his kids (which I hope he'd made strides to happen - by creating the right environment/divorcing) Edited November 8, 2021 by TamBuktu Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 8, 2021 Author Share Posted November 8, 2021 8 hours ago, stillafool said: According to Tam he is the one who is paying her way. (roll eyes) I'm not sure where you got this lol - nope, nobody is paying the way of the other. We are both fortunate enough to be stable financially, after many many years of schooling and efforts. All he has ever helped me with is teaching me how to do hands on things regarding property maintenance, remodeling etc. We both have STEM jobs, that's for hobby and side income. Link to post Share on other sites
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