It's complicated - insight needed

[elaine567]

 

2 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

More likely the son was just put off by his stepfather’s oversharing. They really had such a conversation? I don’t think you can infer anything from a situation that must have been weird and uncomfortable for the stepson.

Tam,
Why don't you see this scenario as weird, uncomfortable and inappropriate?

[TamBuktu]

Just now, RebeccaR said:

Sports is the obvious topic here. Politics isn’t a great choice these days but way better than sex, given their relationship. Is MM on the autism spectrum? (Several members of my family are, not judging, just curious)

I don't know how to explain.. they didn't accept him whatsoever from the few things I know, and sometimes shock factor conversation breaks the ice.
I don't think he's autistic but that's not my specialty either.

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

He shared a thing or two with her (adult) son and he wasn't impressed to put it mildly

I wouldn’t be impressed either if my stepfather was talking to me about his sex life, with my mother. 

This is just too much - that fact that you would draw inferences related to their sex life based on the response of his adult son to a very inappropriate discussion is just…

[TamBuktu]

Just now, elaine567 said:

 

Tam,
Why don't you see this scenario as weird, uncomfortable and inappropriate?

The way how it was presented to me they consider themselves peers and not stepson/father (similar age, at that point both just married etc). Otherwise is awkward yes. I wouldn't have done it.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I don't think he considers him a "stepfather.” The attempted dynamics was friendship. I wouldn't have done that but again, I am not him,

As previously stated, you offer a mind boggling array of excuses and justifications - 

[RebeccaR]

4 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I don't think he considers him a "stepfather", they are at similar age and got married the same year. The attempted dynamics was friendship, I wouldn't have done that but again, I am not him,

Obviously he’s not like a stepfather who raised him, but given the relationship with his mother, very very odd, to say the least. I don’t get what’s appealing about this man. Perhaps the very fact that he’s unattainable is what attracts you?

[elaine567]

I think you have spent far too long with this man and the odd world he inhabits.
Time to shake yourself free.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I don't know how to explain.. they didn't accept him whatsoever from the few things I know, and sometimes shock factor conversation breaks the ice.

And the more you write, including this "shock factor" attempt at "guy talk", they have legitimate reasons not to accept him. 

Come on. 

[RebeccaR]

6 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

that's not my specialty either.

But you are a physician? 

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I'm spinning here a little because now the ball is in his court and I am waiting for his answers (which as you probably guessed - will take a bit of time)

Oh I must be behind.  Did you ask him when he will divorce?

[TamBuktu]

Just now, elaine567 said:

I think you have spent far too long with this man and the odd world he inhabits.
Time to shake yourself free.

His world is more "normal" than mine so I understand him .. Mine is in many aspects truly odd and I find a safe harbor with him. I wish I had a more clear way to convey that

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, TamBuktu said:

His world is more "normal" than mine so I understand him .. Mine is in many aspects truly odd and I find a safe harbor with him. I wish I had a more clear way to convey that

Do you really  believe your children will thrive in this "odd" environment, the two of you will create for them?

[TamBuktu]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Oh I must be behind.  Did you ask him when he will divorce?

I did. I told him a bit over a week ago  - I said I want kids and his behavior is selfish and he knows what I mean. He said he will do something about it but is dealing with dark forces (her family). All was metaphors and yet quite crystal clear.

[TamBuktu]

6 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

But you are a physician? 

No, I develop novel biomedical diagnostic tools. I don't want to share more for privacy..

[TamBuktu]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Do you really  believe your children will thrive in this "odd" environment, the two of you will create for them?

Besides the quirks in my opinion he is extremely loving and caring (especially to kids). And I am laser focused on fixing issues from my own upbringing so I will go above and beyond to be a good mom.

[RebeccaR]

5 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

His world is more "normal" than mine so I understand him .. Mine is in many aspects truly odd and I find a safe harbor with him. I wish I had a more clear way to convey that

I think you believe that because you are “odd”, you can only form a connection with this odd fellow. You may have self esteem issues, as many do, but not everyone with poor self esteem drives off a cliff, as you appear poised to do should this man actually divorce and marry you. You are not in a place to be in a relationship right now. Can you get a referral for a psychotherapist and psychiatrist? Just the fact you have made this married man your beneficiary is concerning, but these other facts - wow.

also I’m very concerned that commenters on this page don’t have the expertise to provide advice in your very challenging personal situation.

[TamBuktu]

1 minute ago, RebeccaR said:

I think you believe that because you are “odd”, you can only form a connection with this odd fellow. You may have self esteem issues, as many do, but not everyone with poor self esteem drives off a cliff, as you appear poised to do should this man actually divorce and marry you. You are not in a place to be in a relationship right now. Can you get a referral for a psychotherapist and psychiatrist? Just the fact you have made this married man your beneficiary is concerning, but these other facts - wow.

also I’m very concerned that commenters on this page don’t have the expertise to provide advice in your very challenging personal situation.

Please understand most things said are figure of speech and attempt to discuss a private situation in a public forum. At this point I am starting to regret my decision to overshare.

I am perfectly happy with my life, I have a healthy self confidence and great network of people, and if you met me in real life, you would have believed me.

[elaine567]

I think the main problem is that you in fact under-share or use cryptic language to conceal.
That prompts curiosity and guesses until you have to overshare to provide clarity.

The other problem is that you do not have many facts at your disposal, as this MM keeps it all so close to his chest.
The result being you are guessing his motives along with the rest of us...
 

[Starswillshine]

25 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

I did. I told him a bit over a week ago  - I said I want kids and his behavior is selfish and he knows what I mean. He said he will do something about it but is dealing with dark forces (her family). All was metaphors and yet quite crystal clear.

Why did you say, "and you know what I mean." Versus just saying.... "I want kids, but I do not want kids out of wedlock, are you going to divorce so we can marry?" 

I think you keep everything vague to avoid rejection. He keeps everything vague because it helps in deception and manipulation. 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Starswillshine said:

I think you keep everything vague to avoid rejection. He keeps everything vague because it helps in deception and manipulation. 

I fear that may be the truth of the matter.

[elaine567]

Dark forces...

[TamBuktu]

7 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Why did you say, "and you know what I mean." Versus just saying.... "I want kids, but I do not want kids out of wedlock, are you going to divorce so we can marry?" 

I think you keep everything vague to avoid rejection. He keeps everything vague because it helps in deception and manipulation. 

Maybe from his end, from my end at this point it’s literally a struggle to break a habit (of vague talking)

It’s pretty much how Elaine described it- I am vague, vague and then suddenly over share (just like here, it happens when him and I talk).

Thats the only advice I need - how to break the pattern and be more direct. I literally can’t say the words out loud, and his “deer stunned by headlights” look doesn’t help me lol. I am searching for a way that doesn’t involve ripping the bandaid cold turkey but maybe that’s the only option left?

But to just keep on track, the good news is at least we had the conversation and now he knows what I want (albeit said indirectly)

[stillafool]

37 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

Besides the quirks in my opinion he is extremely loving and caring (especially to kids). And I am laser focused on fixing issues from my own upbringing so I will go above and beyond to be a good mom.

But what about his issues such as cheating, being submissive, his in-laws threatening him, atypical sex, getting old while you're caring for him and the kids, impotency?  Not to mention still financially supporting his wife.  That doesn't sound like a very happy life for you.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you need to start speaking clearly and directly with him. 

You are two grown adults for heaven's sake. Time to stop communicating like star-crossed teens afraid that their parents are reading their diaries. 

[RebeccaR]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, you need to start speaking clearly and directly with him. 

You are two grown adults for heaven's sake. Time to stop communicating like star-crossed teens afraid that their parents are reading their diaries. 

It’s much too late for that. Even if it benefits Tam to do so, it doesn’t benefit the MM so I doubt he’ll cooperate