elaine567 Posted November 13, 2021 Share Posted November 13, 2021 34 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: Maybe he is just waiting for you to prove your commitment by going ahead. Or more likely, you don’t believe he will actually leave and you’ll be a single mom, albeit with a dad who comes by in the evenings. Or not, when his wife won't give him permission to go, once she finds out what he has been up to... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 13, 2021 Share Posted November 13, 2021 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: Nah, he was very clear that if that my plan, it’s also OUR plan to have a family. Do you see the possibility that a few years down the road, he actually has left his marriage and you are happily married with two young children and a husband in his late 50’s who spends his weeknights doing chores for another woman - perhaps even telling her that it was not his plan to have children at this age and seeking an escape from the pressure of life as a husband and father of two young children… 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 13, 2021 Share Posted November 13, 2021 11 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Do you see the possibility that a few years down the road, he actually has left his marriage and you are happily married with two young children and a husband in his late 50’s who spends his weeknights doing chores for another woman - perhaps even telling her that it was not his plan to have children at this age and seeking an escape from the pressure of life as a husband and father of two young children… True. He seems to have issues with ending relationships but no problem starting new ones 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 13, 2021 Share Posted November 13, 2021 20 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: True. He seems to have issues with ending relationships but no problem starting new ones And patterns have a way of repeating themselves… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 13, 2021 Share Posted November 13, 2021 2 hours ago, TamBuktu said: Nah, he was very clear that if that my plan, it’s also OUR plan to have a family. If he wanted to have a family with you, what was his rationale in signing away his rights to the child? Even if it was your idea for him to do this, a man who wanted to be a good father would not consider signing such a thing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 13, 2021 Author Share Posted November 13, 2021 1 minute ago, basil67 said: If he wanted to have a family with you, what was his rationale in signing away his rights to the child? Even if it was your idea for him to do this, a man who wanted to be a good father would not consider signing such a thing. That is something people interpreted wrong and just keep repeating. It’s irrelevant to our story. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 13, 2021 Share Posted November 13, 2021 8 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: That is something people interpreted wrong and just keep repeating. It’s irrelevant to our story. I actually agree here (there may be details around the fertility protocols that we’re not familiar with) but please reply to our other questions? If your goal is a family and he is on board and will join you when you have his child, that seems like your dream fulfilled Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 13, 2021 Share Posted November 13, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: If your goal is a family and he is on board and will join you when you have his child, that seems like your dream fulfilled It’s a risk she is not willing to take. OP, if I misunderstood, I offer my sincere apology. Edited November 13, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 14, 2021 Author Share Posted November 14, 2021 17 minutes ago, BaileyB said: It’s a risk she is not willing to take. OP, if I misunderstood, I offer my sincere apology. No you’re right on that. I just can’t take a risk with the life on a child. And yes, of course I am concerned the history will repeat itself in some way. - Until I know what caused us to be in the situation we are at, I can’t truly comprehend how big the risks are - And once again, I’m very truly concerned with myself- I keep losing my nerves (even today)… we were very very ok before I started overthinking this all situation. I might repeat myself but I am at a point that I put my cards on the table and face an awful choice - to repeat myself ad nauseum until I lose it all due to anger - keep repressing my emotions and bottling up things This wasn’t the case few weeks ago before I brought things up but now I’m truly truly concerned… Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 14, 2021 Author Share Posted November 14, 2021 2 hours ago, RebeccaR said: He could be doing ‘anything’, like leaving the dirty dishes for his wife in order to annoy her. Why doesn’t he tell you the concrete steps he is taking? Yes that’s the entire problem. It’s because he doesn’t trust me I guess Rightfully so, I brought things up today that I should have never mentioned. Just the tension that I created myself is killing me. We were blissfully happy all these years and now I jeopardized it all by… talking too much without thinking too much 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted November 14, 2021 Share Posted November 14, 2021 But if you were blissfully happy in a bubble that required you to silence your true needs and desires, was that really sustainable and authentic happiness? 4 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 14, 2021 Author Share Posted November 14, 2021 Just now, Minneloa said: But if you were blissfully happy in a bubble that required you to silence your true needs and desires, was that really sustainable and authentic happiness? It took me a long time to decide that’s the person I want to spend my life with, I wasn’t silencing it “the whole time”, it’s just something that emerged over time, more recently, maybe has to do with my age etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted November 14, 2021 Share Posted November 14, 2021 Still, my point stands. If you can’t be your true and authentic self with this person, freely expressing your needs and desires for the relationship, what is the point? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 14, 2021 Share Posted November 14, 2021 (edited) 36 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: It took me a long time to decide that’s the person I want to spend my life with, I wasn’t silencing it “the whole time”, it’s just something that emerged over time, more recently, maybe has to do with my age etc. At some point, the relationship needs to progress. All was well and good for the first three years but the longer this goes without any progression, the harder it gets - In my own relationship, we dated and lived separately for about three years until one day my partner said - “when are you planning to move in?” He later said, it got to the point for him where we either needed to move in together or break up. In other words, he felt that the relationship needed to progress… What you are thinking and feeling is very normal. It’s normal to want a relationship to progress and move forward - the challenge here is that your hope is for this relationship to grow to include marriage and children but you’ve chosen a man who is otherwise committed and not able to grow this relationship any further - in that way… It’a not wrong for you to voice your thoughts and feelings - even if you show emotion and lose your self control. In a truly intimate relationship, you should feel safe in allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your partner. IF he was a single man, you would ABSOLUTELY be having these discussions about your life goals, when and how you plan to make them happen. The fact that he is married makes it more difficult - you may be compatible partners but you are not compatible as it relates to life goals… if you were, he would be voluntarily telling you exactly what he is doing that will enable him to progress the relationship and be with you. But, he is not - and that is the sad reality. Edited November 14, 2021 by BaileyB 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 14, 2021 Author Share Posted November 14, 2021 6 minutes ago, BaileyB said: At some point, the relationship needs to progress. All was well and good for the first three years but the longer this goes without any progression, the harder it gets - In my own relationship, we dated and lived separately for about three years until one day my partner said - “when are you planning ti move in?” He later said, it got to the point for me where we either needed ti move in together or break up. In other words, he felt that the relationship needed to progress… What you are thinking and feeling is very normal. It’s normal to want a relationship to progress and move forward - the challenge here is that your hope is for this relationship to grow to include marriage and children but you’ve chosen a man who is otherwise committed and not able to grow this relationship any further… It’a not wrong for you to voice your thoughts and feelings - even if you show emotion and lose your self control. In a truly intimate relationship, you should feel safe in allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your partner. IF he was a single man, you would ABSOLUTELY be having these discussions about your life goals, when and how you plan to make them happen. The fact that he is married makes it more difficult - you may be compatible partners but you are not compatible as it relates to life goals… if you were, he would be doing what is required to progress the relationship and be with you. That is the sad reality. Yeah, that's pretty much exactly how it is. Losing self control is a slippery slope though. I had a very heated conversation today that I wasn't planning to do but writing here and talking to friends.. and it kind of just happened. I said things i wasn't meaning to say, same thing happened on Monday so 2 strikes 5 days apart.. I am getting seriously worried. At this time him being attached or not almost doesn't matter to me - I would have been fighting the same fight if he was single, it's his personality type that overrides everything. I know my feelings are normal/expected, especially that we are talking about things like kids in the near future (and it has to be near future because of our ages).. but then he has his feelings about this situation too, and he's unwilling or unable to fully open up, and my reactions don't make it easier to say the least. I'm not even sure how to exercise damage control at this point. I just feel like i royally messed up something beautiful, within 5 days 😕 I hope and pray i'm wrong Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 14, 2021 Share Posted November 14, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: At this time him being attached or not almost doesn't matter to me - I would have been fighting the same fight if he was single, it's his personality type that overrides everything. If this is the case, I ask sincerely - does he make for a good partner? Especially considering the obstacles that need to be overcome for you to legitimately be together - if you have to “fight” against his personality, is he a good or safe bet for a relationship partner? It feels to me like you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole - that is not usually very successful. Edited November 14, 2021 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 14, 2021 Author Share Posted November 14, 2021 2 minutes ago, BaileyB said: If this is the case, I ask sincerely - does he make for a good partner? Especially considering the obstacles that need to be overcome for you to legitimately be together - if you have to “fight” against his personality, is he a good or safe bet for a relationship partner? I have thought very long and hard about this in the past few months... and came to the conclusion that he does make a good life partner, despite this aspect of his personality.... Considering the circumstances though this aspect of his personality aggravates the situation to a whole new level.... Something that would have been an unpleasant event, is a full blown drama because of how he is conditioned. I love him, I truly do, so I am somewhat willing to take a hit on my own sanity because of it, but it just can't be 100% on me... he needs to sacrifice his comfort as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 14, 2021 Share Posted November 14, 2021 2 minutes ago, TamBuktu said: he needs to sacrifice his comfort as well. What has he done that has demonstrated to you that he is willing to do this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 14, 2021 Author Share Posted November 14, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: What has he done that has demonstrated to you that he is willing to do this? So far not much.. which is exactly why i had 2 blowouts in 5 days after years of being calm 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 14, 2021 Share Posted November 14, 2021 1 hour ago, TamBuktu said: I just can’t take a risk with the life on a child. Your gut is telling you that he cannot be trusted. You need to listen to your gut here 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted November 14, 2021 Share Posted November 14, 2021 (edited) Sincere question: why is his comfort level more important than yours? Why do his feelings take precedence over yours? ☹️ Edited November 14, 2021 by Minneloa 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted November 14, 2021 Share Posted November 14, 2021 3 minutes ago, Minneloa said: Sincere question: why is his comfort level more important than yours? Why do his feelings take precedence over yours? ☹️ Because he is less invested in the relationship. He already has a partner and a comfortable home life. He doesn’t need this the way OP needs it. Therefore, she has to keep him comfortable 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 14, 2021 Author Share Posted November 14, 2021 2 minutes ago, Minneloa said: Sincere question: why is his comfort level more important than yours? Why do his feelings take precedence over yours? ☹️ I hate to put it this was but I think I’m stronger and can manage my feelings better, so I can take more damage and cope with it… In other words I can manage my own feelings as hurtful as they are, I don’t know if he can manage his, and I don’t want to cause him pain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TamBuktu Posted November 14, 2021 Author Share Posted November 14, 2021 Just now, RebeccaR said: Because he is less invested in the relationship. He already has a partner and a comfortable home life. He doesn’t need this the way OP needs it. Therefore, she has to keep him comfortable It’s not true - I wrote how i feel about it below. Me keeping him comfortable is not the point, me not hurting him- it is. I can cope, I don’t know if he can. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 14, 2021 Share Posted November 14, 2021 6 hours ago, TamBuktu said: Just one more thing popped on my mind. I had said awful things about her. Things that if anyone has said for my loved one I'd literally slap them. And how he reacted? He didn't react.at.all. That convinces me even further their relationship is far gone. Or he keeps extreme poker face. Given that he's got years of not sharing his plans or feelings about setting up a life with you, I'd say it was a poker face. I've done that face too in reaction to someone who's gotten mad at me, and the person has no idea what I'm feeling. It not only confuses them and puts them in a place of unease, but they run out of words really quickly and the fight stops. Thing is, when someone loses their temper, reacting to defend yourself or retaliate just exacerbates the situation. But if you sit there any say nothing, the fight ends really quickly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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