It's complicated - insight needed

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Is that deliberate on your part?
Make sure you send him home satisfied. Does not stop them having sex in the night or first thing in the morning...
OR do you have the morning slot covered too?

Unless he has performance issues, and needs time to recover. It would be reasonable, given his age.

I thought you said it wasn’t about sex OP. It is more than sex? Surely you don’t cook him dinner and sex him up every night? If you do, it’s not hard to understand why he comes a calling…

Edited November 19, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, TamBuktu said:

I’ve been to therapy previously, I found it useful to bounce off and understand thoughts but useless for solving situations. I think it could be really helpful for my own issues (ie anxiety and communication difficulties) but to share my personal story with them, would be more harmful than useful (considering the moral bias).

So a therapist is useless for solving situations for which they are trained and paid to do; but LoveShack is solving this situation?  You make absolutely no sense whatsoever and this MM probably sees you the same way.  This is why he's just prefer that you stay 'happy go lucky', clueless and quiet.

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So a therapist is useless for solving situations for which they are trained and paid to do; but LoveShack is solving this situation?  You make absolutely no sense whatsoever

I can’t find your original quote Tam, which is why I’m quoting stillafool.

You do realize that it’s not the role or responsibility of a therapist to “solve your problems.” Their role is to provide some information, to allow you the opportunity to talk through your thoughts and feelings with someone who is impartial, to ask the questions that will enable YOU to solve your own problems. It doesn’t surprise me that you didn’t find solutions in therapy - first, the obvious solution is not one that you are willing to consider. And second, that’s not the role of the therapist. If you were unsatisfied, that says to me that you didn’t invest and do the work. (With the exception of the possibility that you just had a very poorly therapist). 

You say that you are reluctant to tell your story to a therapist for fear of judgment, yet you post your story on the internet for a bunch of strangers? I believe this is your conflict avoidant personality again - avoiding the difficult in-person discussion, preferring to stay in your head and offer vague truckle truths on the internet hoping to find clarity. 

 

Edited November 19, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, TamBuktu said:

It is a sham marriage with an elderly woman who resides in one of his properties and  occasionally "mothers" him.

So now are you saying she doesn't live in his house with him?  If this is the case why don't you move in?  Honestly, you sound more like his mother.  The way you describe her she sounds like a woman who is calm and does what she wants, when she wants.  Your job is to do the heavy lifting.

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

So SHE is responsible for the fact he doesn't have kids???
I am sorry but we are all responsible for our own decisions. 
HE knowingly entered into a relationship with an older woman.
Didn't you say his preference is for older women?
He chose the option HE wanted.
The joy of kids or the joy of an older woman..
He is no victim

 

1 hour ago, TamBuktu said:

I’ll be 60 one day and most certainly will have different priorities then rather than playing house with a guy that can still have his own kids, his own family. It’s beyond cruel to take this away from someone, if you “caught” them in a low point of their lives… Like he was when they met.

Again you contradict yourself.  According to you she is not the only older woman he's pursured.

[elaine567]

How do you propose to find out where he goes at night?
Are you going to hire a PI?

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, TamBuktu said:

At this point would it make a difference if I stop?

Yes because the more you write the more information you reveal.

[elaine567]

41 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You say that you are reluctant to tell your story to a therapist for fear of judgment, yet you post your story on the internet for a bunch of strangers? 

Because I guess if some are judgemental on here others won't be.
Some may be highly critical, others may be more tolerant.
It is maybe more acceptable to some than facing a professional.
Many OWs come here and find it helpful.

[TamBuktu]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

So SHE is responsible for the fact he doesn't have kids???
I am sorry but we are all responsible for our own decisions. 
HE knowingly entered into a relationship with an older woman.
Didn't you say his preference is for older women?
He chose the option HE wanted.
The joy of kids or the joy of an older woman..
He is no victim

He is responsible of course but she took advantage of him in a very low point of his life. He fell in love with someone who couldn't have kids and then after she passed, he kept recreating the relationship and his current W took advantage. How moral this was - I'll leave it to your judgement

[TamBuktu]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Is that what he told you?

No. I saw this with my own eyes, and I saw it before being involved with him, so I couldn't have been biased.

[TamBuktu]

20 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Because I guess if some are judgemental on here others won't be.
Some may be highly critical, others may be more tolerant.
It is maybe more acceptable to some than facing a professional.
Many OWs come here and find it helpful.

Maybe, but more so because:
- I find a quorum vs opinion of one individual
- I don't have the time to build a relationship with a therapist - just logistically it will take a few tries to find one i click with, then we have to discuss many other things first, it's generally an hour per week
- And rational or not, I fear he/she will disclose in some way that might be harmful. I can't go to a therapist anonymously

[RebeccaR]

2 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

He is responsible of course but she took advantage of him in a very low point of his life. He fell in love with someone who couldn't have kids and then after she passed, he kept recreating the relationship and his current W took advantage. How moral this was - I'll leave it to your judgement

Took advantage? 
 

Aren’t you also taking advantage of him? Maybe in different ways, but you are getting what you need and even if he moves to Antarctica tomorrow, you have viable embryos he helped create.

[TamBuktu]

44 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

Again you contradict yourself.  According to you she is not the only older woman he's pursured.

I said I don't know how many times 1) he has never been the pursuer 2) he ended up with few much older women 3) besides the first one it all stems from his past experience

Where do you see contradiction?

[TamBuktu]

2 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Took advantage? 
 

Aren’t you also taking advantage of him? Maybe in different ways, but you are getting what you need and even if he moves to Antarctica tomorrow, you have viable embryos he helped create.

If I use them, yes - I'll be taking advantage. I haven't used anything yet.

 

And he is NOT in a weak point of his life now, how he was when they met

Edited November 19, 2021 by TamBuktu

[TamBuktu]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I can’t find your original quote Tam, which is why I’m quoting stillafool.

You do realize that it’s not the role or responsibility of a therapist to “solve your problems.” Their role is to provide some information, to allow you the opportunity to talk through your thoughts and feelings with someone who is impartial, to ask the questions that will enable YOU to solve your own problems. It doesn’t surprise me that you didn’t find solutions in therapy - first, the obvious solution is not one that you are willing to consider. And second, that’s not the role of the therapist. If you were unsatisfied, that says to me that you didn’t invest and do the work. (With the exception of the possibility that you just had a very poorly therapist). 

You say that you are reluctant to tell your story to a therapist for fear of judgment, yet you post your story on the internet for a bunch of strangers? I believe this is your conflict avoidant personality again - avoiding the difficult in-person discussion, preferring to stay in your head and offer vague truckle truths on the internet hoping to find clarity. 

 

I tried a few and all were practically useless. Maybe I didn't invest enough time or effort.

I fear judgement and potential consequences in a situation that lacks anonymity

[TamBuktu]

47 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

How do you propose to find out where he goes at night?
Are you going to hire a PI?

Something in that lines. Which is very high risk of course

Do you have better ideas? 

[TamBuktu]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Unless he has performance issues, and needs time to recover. It would be reasonable, given his age.

I thought you said it wasn’t about sex OP. It is more than sex? Surely you don’t cook him dinner and sex him up every night? If you do, it’s not hard to understand why he comes a calling…

It's not some kind of master manipulation lol, it's called a loving relationship. Wasn't like this for a very long time so i know it's not the motivating factor

[RebeccaR]

6 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

don't have the time to build a relationship with a therapist - just logistically it will take a few tries to find one i click with, then we have to discuss many other things first, it's generally an hour per week

This is an excuse, Tam, and you know it. You won’t get where you want to be without therapy.

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

He is responsible of course but she took advantage of him in a very low point of his life. He fell in love with someone who couldn't have kids and then after she passed, he kept recreating the relationship and his current W took advantage. How moral this was - I'll leave it to your judgement

You don't actually  know that.
It suits your narrative to think that.
The scheming "elderly" women, taking advantage of the poor little man...

Of course if he does indeed have a penchant for the much older woman, then your days are numbered and that doesn't sit well  with you, so it must be that THEY took advantage of him...

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

Something in that lines. Which is very high risk of course

Do you have better ideas? 

Why is hiring a PI  high risk?

[TamBuktu]

Just now, RebeccaR said:

This is an excuse, Tam, and you know it. You won’t get where you want to be without therapy.

You're right actually, I have some things I need to solve (unrelated to relationship questions; but yes, I am looking for a new one)

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, RebeccaR said:

This is an excuse, Tam, and you know it. You won’t get where you want to be without therapy.

Plenty of people in difficult situations post here, AND do therapy.

[TamBuktu]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

You don't actually  know that.
It suits your narrative to think that.
The scheming "elderly" women, taking advantage of the poor little man...

Of course if he does indeed have a penchant for the much older woman, then your days are numbered and that doesn't sit well  with you, so it must be that THEY took advantage of him...

Why do you think I don't know that? I have a whole background story that I am not sharing for obvious reasons but it all happened around the time she met him.
Would I do it, if I was a mother/grandmother and knew this will stop my partner from experiencing this, even if he say he'll cope? Nope, I wouldn't. Would you dot it?

[TamBuktu]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Why is hiring a PI  high risk?

I need to got through shady route once again. It makes me sick in the stomach thinking of the potential consequences

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, TamBuktu said:

Maybe, but more so because:
- I find a quorum vs opinion of one individual
- I don't have the time to build a relationship with a therapist - just logistically it will take a few tries to find one i click with, then we have to discuss many other things first, it's generally an hour per week
- And rational or not, I fear he/she will disclose in some way that might be harmful. I can't go to a therapist anonymously

The quorum here has been universal, this relationship is not going to be what you want and this man is not a good choice of partner - given your goal of marriage and family. 

As for the possibility of disclosure, that statement shows a fair bit of ignorance about therapy. What you share in a therapy session is confidential - there would be professional consequences should the therapist disclose personal information. Beside - who would they disclose to and why would anyone care?