Pushing away partner

[Ninjafish]

I do not understand myself at all.  When things get difficult in a relationship I hide and bury myself away, I do not communicate and I have pushed my partner away.  
 

Our relationship issues were not anything major.  Some issues due to my low self esteem so that when I put myself down, which made my ex feel completely helpless.  My ex could be quick to have a temper and an argument eoukd probably ensue from that.  But we loved one another passionately.  
 

But even though it was counter to everything I wanted, I still repeatedly told my ex that we were done etc. Couldn’t break out of whatever loop I was stuck in.  Was I seeking attention?  I don’t think so.  
 

I guess I just have a flaw in my personality.  Probably I need therapy, if only I could afford that.  I am suffering from regret of course, but not of the type of regret that comes from having second thoughts as I didn’t doubt how I felt at all!  Just regret that I couldn’t control my self destructive urges.

it’s been a month now since we last spoke.  Oh well, I pushed for this.  Just wish I knew why…

 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Ninjafish said:

 My ex could be quick to have a temper and an argument eoukd probably ensue from that.  

Don't beat yourself up over it. Reflect and consider the possibility that you were incompatible and simply argued too much getting in a loop.

Also consider that someone who gets angry easily tend to be argumentative is the one with the problem.

Backing away from someone "with a temper" is actually a good idea.

Read up on toxic and abusive relationships. See if it fits any of the patterns you had.

[Ninjafish]

But….

I failed.  We argued because I didn’t talk.  I did push away.  And that’s why my ex got angry, me being frozen emotionally anytime things weren’t 100% perfect.  

I would receive so much support and all I ever did when there was tough times was clam up.  I don’t think I’ve ever allowed myself to be vulnerable with someone.  Just so messed up.  All I had to do was not hide within myself.

so yeah.  Self sabotaged myself.  And things have been said by both that just can’t be taken back.  Hurtful. So it’s the end.  
 

and it’s so cliched I guess, after sabotaging myself that the regret and pain kick in.

not just for me.  For my ex too, she committed, said we were unlike anything she’s ever had, ever felt before.  I am…scared? At how much she will be hurting too.

anyway, words have not been exchanged for a month now and like I said, words and actions cannot be taken back so…well just stop wallowing in self pity right?

I was so afraid of being myself, being vulnerable to someone, trusting them implicitly.  I was so afraid of doing that and exposing myself that I ran away from a happy life.

I chose this though, so just get therapy and get over it

Edited October 31, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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