Kelpy Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 I've just found out that I'm able to leave the student halls I live at with my ex and will be leaving two weeks from now. My plan was to leave without telling him, I've only told other flatmates I'm close to that I'll be moving and they know not to tell him. But I was thinking that out of respect I should tell him in a brief message. I've been doing NC as much as the situation would allow but I don't want to go through the effects of breaking NC. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 Just focus on your move and enjoy your new place. Don't worry about your ex or contacting him. The relationship soured after you realized he didn't feel the same way about you (or monogamy for that matter) so I'd think it's inappropriate for you to air what's going on in your life. It can also be interpreted as you wanting or still needing his attention or approval when there were several things that went wrong in your relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 (edited) 26 minutes ago, Kelpy said: But I was thinking that out of respect I should tell him in a brief message Out of respect for what, exactly? You're broken up so I can't see why this news would be important to him. I don't mean to sound unkind, but it looks more like you're hoping he still cares and to elicit a reaction from him. Don't do that to yourself. EDIT: I just read your thread about this guy. He cheated on you and then dumped you. He didn't respect you enough to stay faithful so it doesn't make sense that you tell him you're moving out to show him respect. Girl, I hate to be harsh, but I don't think he is going to care that youìre leaving. Edited October 31, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelpy Posted October 31, 2021 Author Share Posted October 31, 2021 9 minutes ago, glows said: Just focus on your move and enjoy your new place. Don't worry about your ex or contacting him. The relationship soured after you realized he didn't feel the same way about you (or monogamy for that matter) so I'd think it's inappropriate for you to air what's going on in your life. It can also be interpreted as you wanting or still needing his attention or approval when there were several things that went wrong in your relationship. Yeah I can see that. I think I just wanted to get rid of that little piece of doubt in my decision. I haven't contacted him for weeks and neither has he. I was looking at it as a final goodbye so he and I know that we are done. No possible re-tries, no possible friendship, a clear end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelpy Posted October 31, 2021 Author Share Posted October 31, 2021 6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Out of respect for what, exactly? You're broken up so I can't see why this news would be important to him. I don't mean to sound unkind, but it looks more like you're hoping he still cares and to elicit a reaction from him. Don't do that to yourself. EDIT: I just read your thread about this guy. He cheated on you and then dumped you. He didn't respect you enough to stay faithful so it doesn't make sense that you tell him you're moving out to show him respect. Girl, I hate to be harsh, but I don't think he is going to care that youìre leaving. Probably not at this stage. It's been months since we broke up. And I will admit that I've had trouble moving on while he seems to be having an easier time. This was my first relationship while this was his fourth. I do want to move on and focus on myself and I want to gain back some of my self respect, because looking back I feel like I lost a lot of that and it's just embarrassing to see. I just thought it would be harsh to leave without saying anything. But I guess it's also empowering in a way. So i will be saying adios without telling him. Because I don't want to be friends with an ex that's treated me worse than any other friend has. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Kelpy said: I was looking at it as a final goodbye so he and I know that we are done. Seems more like you are hoping for reconciliation and by telling him you're moving, you're hoping he knows where you are and how to contact you. Otherwise you would let it go. No fuss no mess. Edited October 31, 2021 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 3 hours ago, Kelpy said: Yeah I can see that. I think I just wanted to get rid of that little piece of doubt in my decision. I haven't contacted him for weeks and neither has he. I was looking at it as a final goodbye so he and I know that we are done. No possible re-tries, no possible friendship, a clear end. When someone cheats on you and then breaks up they have already decided that it is a final goodbye, no re-tries or friendship. He hasn't reached out because he's moved on. You don't need to tell him anything and he would probably wonder why you're telling him. Just move on now because it's over. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 4 hours ago, Kelpy said: I just thought it would be harsh to leave without saying anything. He would have to care in order for it to be harsh, Kelpy. But he doesn't care. He wouldn't have cheated on you to begin with if he did. Stop looking for reasons to contact him, because I imagine that's really what this is about. You are having trouble really letting go so you play mind games with yourself that you somehow owe it to him to tell him that you're moving. Harsh was cheating on you. Not you failing to inform him that you're moving out after you two broke up months ago and haven't talked for weeks. He's already let go of you. You need to do the same now. You'll feel much better for moving forward, not backward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 31, 2021 Share Posted October 31, 2021 5 hours ago, Kelpy said: Yeah I can see that. I think I just wanted to get rid of that little piece of doubt in my decision. I haven't contacted him for weeks and neither has he. I was looking at it as a final goodbye so he and I know that we are done. No possible re-tries, no possible friendship, a clear end. That feeling might linger because the break up is still fresh for you so each time it comes up or you feel curious or like you need his insight or to reconnect with him, let it pass. Don't respond to that urge or do anything about it. It'll fade eventually. The less and less of a presence he has in your life the less he will also matter in time. That's where your friends and those you love or who love you will naturally step in and be there for you so you can create new memories. Give yourself a chance to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted November 1, 2021 Share Posted November 1, 2021 No don't tell him. It will just hurt you more when you realize he doesn't care and you don't get the result you want...that being said no good result will come of telling him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelpy Posted November 1, 2021 Author Share Posted November 1, 2021 On 10/31/2021 at 5:23 PM, ExpatInItaly said: He would have to care in order for it to be harsh, Kelpy. But he doesn't care. He wouldn't have cheated on you to begin with if he did. Stop looking for reasons to contact him, because I imagine that's really what this is about. You are having trouble really letting go so you play mind games with yourself that you somehow owe it to him to tell him that you're moving. Harsh was cheating on you. Not you failing to inform him that you're moving out after you two broke up months ago and haven't talked for weeks. He's already let go of you. You need to do the same now. You'll feel much better for moving forward, not backward. I often look back at the relationship and remember the good times and the bad. Most of the bad times were caused by him. And looking as an observer, it's sad to see all that I put up with. Not trying to throw myself a pity party but i just think the relationship lasting longer than it should've and after a while it just became toxic because I thought things would change for the better. I do admit to having issues with attachment and being 'too nice'. I'm only just learning about letting people go as this is my first relationship but I am already in the process and am close to fully letting go. The only connection I'll have left is a group chat shared with our close flatmates. I intend to leave it on mute for some time. I don't know what I'll do after though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 1, 2021 Share Posted November 1, 2021 7 minutes ago, Kelpy said: I don't know what I'll do after though. Meet new people and find new friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelpy Posted November 1, 2021 Author Share Posted November 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: Meet new people and find new friends. Oh yeah definitely. I do have mild-severe social anxiety. But I'm working on it with a therapist as part of improving myself. I'm thinking of either distancing myself from those flatmates or just cutting them off all together for a while. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 1, 2021 Share Posted November 1, 2021 Hobbies and interests help too. Try a new hobby or take a class. Thinking in different ways is refreshing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 8 hours ago, Kelpy said: I'm thinking of either distancing myself from those flatmates or just cutting them off all together for a while. I am not sure this is the best idea, necessarily. Surely you be friends with these people without involving him all the time. I can understanding leaving a group chat that he's part of it, absolutely. The same goes for opting out of group events that he attends, of course. But if these people are truly your friends, you can still speak to them outside the group chat and plan activities one-on-one with certain ones among them. Losing your friends over a guy isn't worth it when there are ways around involving him. I would still encourage you to expand your social circle, but I think if these people have been good friends to you, it wouldn't be wise to cut them off. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 2, 2021 Share Posted November 2, 2021 10 hours ago, Kelpy said: . I intend to leave it on mute for some time. I don't know what I'll do after though. Make new friends and date new guys. Don't use "too nice" as a security blanket. Have more self confidence. Join some clubs and groups. Get involved in sports and fitness. Get a job. Volunteer. Stay in touch with friends via social media. Get off the group chat. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Review your social media. Clean out dead weight. Refresh and update your content with interesting pics and comments. Review your privacy settings. Make sure you restrict who can contact you or view your content. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps. Start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee ☕ Also be friendly and outgoing to others. Make friends beyond just your dormitory friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelpy Posted November 2, 2021 Author Share Posted November 2, 2021 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Make new friends and date new guys. Don't use "too nice" as a security blanket. Have more self confidence. Join some clubs and groups. Get involved in sports and fitness. Get a job. Volunteer. Stay in touch with friends via social media. Get off the group chat. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Review your social media. Clean out dead weight. Refresh and update your content with interesting pics and comments. Review your privacy settings. Make sure you restrict who can contact you or view your content. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps. Start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee ☕ Also be friendly and outgoing to others. Make friends beyond just your dormitory friends. When I say 'too nice' I'm nudging towards my own flaws. I haven't really thought it through. But when I say too nice, I mean just putting up with things and pretending that they don't bother me and basically not drawing the line between understanding and what I will and won't tolerate. I know this is something I have to work on because not everyone out there well treat you in a way you treat them. I'm working on incorporating those kind of things in my life but things are a little raw for me still so I'm putting a pause on men for now. But I'm still looking to get involved n volunteering and other clubs. I just need to structure my life a bit more around uni work, but once i move i think it'll be easier 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelpy Posted November 2, 2021 Author Share Posted November 2, 2021 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I am not sure this is the best idea, necessarily. Surely you be friends with these people without involving him all the time. I can understanding leaving a group chat that he's part of it, absolutely. The same goes for opting out of group events that he attends, of course. But if these people are truly your friends, you can still speak to them outside the group chat and plan activities one-on-one with certain ones among them. Losing your friends over a guy isn't worth it when there are ways around involving him. I would still encourage you to expand your social circle, but I think if these people have been good friends to you, it wouldn't be wise to cut them off. I just feel like they aren't my kind of people. Throughout the relationship they've been closer to my ex, which is all fine. But I feel that I mostly hung out with them because they were close to my ex. I'm still able to talk to them without him around but it just feels strained at times. I do plan on expanding my social circle because I recall times where we would all be out in a group and someone would be gushing about how amazing he is. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable because at times he treated me like crap. Idk how much my flatmates know about the relationship because I don't want to spill everything to people that are so close to him. But I guess this might have a knock on effect because they don't understand what I'm feeling and I tend to just cover things up Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelpy Posted November 19, 2021 Author Share Posted November 19, 2021 UPDATE (+VENT): I've finally moved out and have been in my new place for a couple days now. I have to say that moving out was a good decision. On the night before moving out I told my flatmates that I would be moving the next day (the process was very rushed). I sent a text to both of them to tell them I was moving, but got no response a couple hours later. So I decided to call them because I didn't want to leave without telling them. One picked up straight away, but the other quickly declined my call which confused me. I had a slight nagging feeling so I decided to check the map on snapchat but it showed that she was still in the building. A couple minutes after she sent me a text saying she was out and that she was ok to meet later on if I would be awake. I don't want to be the one to jump to conclusions, but it just seems very dodgy. For context she's really close to my ex so I wouldn't be surprised if something was happening between the two of them. And I'm sure my ex finds her attractive because of comments he made about her while drunk (and we were together). I know it's not my business anymore and if it did happen it just shows how wrong he was for me. While being away, I've really seen how wrong the friendship group is for me. On the same day I moved, I sent one of them some messages about how I'm finding it and she just happened to be come online as I sent the first message. So the first message got marked as read. But she quickly went offline so the second message was just left there. And from then I haven't heard anything and it's been over a week. A similar thing happened to someone else in our group chat with another person (who I think is decent) but this time no one responded but me. The whole group just feels really cliquey to me. And now looking back, I just see how toxic it was for me. I understand that everyone isn't meant to be friends with everyone but this is the first time it's really hit me. Right now, my aim is to build healthy and genuine relationships because I tend to do the thing where I'd rather have any kind of company than feel lonely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 19, 2021 Share Posted November 19, 2021 On 10/31/2021 at 8:32 AM, Kelpy said: No possible re-tries, no possible friendship, a clear end. I know but his actions are already showing this. Just move on at this point. Good luck at your new place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 19, 2021 Share Posted November 19, 2021 8 minutes ago, Kelpy said: Right now, my aim is to build healthy and genuine relationships because I tend to do the thing where I'd rather have any kind of company than feel lonely. Too bad you don't have a dog. Anywho building healthy and genuine relationships with new people sound just what you should do. Get your own clique. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 19, 2021 Share Posted November 19, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Kelpy said: Right now, my aim is to build healthy and genuine relationships because I tend to do the thing where I'd rather have any kind of company than feel lonely. And you'll find this so joyful and rewarding too. Do this. A thousand times over, always do this. No company is better than poor company. It takes time building new friendships but when you do and it's mutual, it's wonderful. I hope you settle in nicely into your new place and enjoy your newfound freedom. Edited November 19, 2021 by glows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelpy Posted November 19, 2021 Author Share Posted November 19, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, stillafool said: Too bad you don't have a dog. Anywho building healthy and genuine relationships with new people sound just what you should do. Get your own clique. I could really do with a dog right now..... but unfortunately they aren't allowed in the building Edited November 19, 2021 by Kelpy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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