My story

[Mystery76]

So I fell into the trap. Met a girl a few years ago & instantly wondered who she was. She’s beautiful, fun to be around, firey but sweet. I found her totally hypnotic & as soon as I met her I wanted to know more. In the course of getting to know her, I found out she has a long term boyfriend who she lives with. Oh well, unlucky this time I guess.

 

Or so I thought, someone mentioned to her that I liked her & before I know it she’s sending me messages. Friendly at first but gradually becoming more & more inappropriate, given that she’s spoken for. She then lays it on me, she’s desperately unhappy with him, they haven’t had sex in years, she’s only there as she has nowhere else to live & she really likes me. And like the dumb as a rock idiot I am, I fell for it. 

 

Before I know it we’re in bed together & it’s absolutely amazing. She’s bombarding me with texts, wants to see me constantly & can’t get enough of me. Every time we’re alone together we end up naked within a minute. It’s like a drug, I can’t get enough of her. Red flags galore but I don’t see them as I’m too busy having the time of my life whenever I’m with her. And I end up falling completely in love with her. I tell her & she bursts into tears & says she loves me too & she’s terrified she’ll end up hurting me. Silly, silly me falls for it.

 

We speak every day for 4 years, see each other as often as we can & i’m convinced she’s perfect for me. It’s as though we were made for each other, it all just fits. Full blown fairytale stuff. She just needs to do that one little thing & we can be together & everything will be completely perfect. She wakes up beside me & seems so incredibly happy that it has to be real, you can’t fake that can you? No pressure from me, I want her to leave him for herself not because I demanded it. Her happiness is important to me & I don’t want to push her into anything.

 

I try to put the other guy out of my mind, never asking about him or wanting to know anything. If I keep my blinkers on it’s easier isn’t it. But he’s always there. Occasionally he flashes up on her Facebook & I get that sinking feeling. I wake up beside her totally content & yet the minute she leaves I feel empty. I convince myself that she’s a good person in a bad situation & once we’re a real couple this will all have been worth it. I can’t remember a time before her, I’ve never felt this way about anyone (& she tells me the same.) I thought I’d been in love before but this is 1000x more intense than that.

 

She meets my friends & yet I don’t get to meet hers. If we’re both out in town she won’t meet me unless she’s alone. I’m just a dirty little secret after all. She goes on holiday with him, the whole time I get “I really just wish you were here” Well why aren’t I then? If I say that, we end up arguing though & I end up apologising. But still, it’ll be worth it in the end, once we’re together. I pick her up from work every day, just to see her. If she goes on a night out it’s me she comes home to. Those little tastes of what the future will bring keep me going after all.

 

Then she gets a new job, closer to home & working with 95% men. No more lifts home required. And suddenly the texts get less affectionate. My I love yous get ignored. And then we go a day without texting. So I ask what’s going on & I get the “I don’t feel the same anymore” response. I mean, a few weeks earlier she was going to love me forever, now she’s suddenly surrounded by men & she feels differently? Now the facade has gone, she literally never speaks to me & I feel like I’ve totally wasted 4 years. Her social media is nothing but massive attention whoring (which it never ever was when I was ‘with’ her) & I feel like I’ve been completely played. Because I have. Hook line & sinker.

 

I guess what I want to say is, do not fall for any of this. If they want to be with you, they will be. All the excuses in the world are exactly that, excuses. Not a single one of them is justified. And no matter how happy you think they are with you or how good they make you feel, how special or loved or wonderful they claim you are, it’s all lies. They’re only with you to take what they’re missing at home. You’re a side dish because the main just isn’t quite enough for them.

 

If someone had told me this 3 years ago, I’d have said they’re wrong. You don’t know her like I do, it isn’t like that, it’s just a complicated situation. But it never was, they’re just lies we tell ourselves because we so want it to be true. Don’t fall for them. There’s a very good chance I’ve missed out on the loving relationship I really want so much because of the time I’ve wasted on her. And all she’ll do is replace me with the next one.

 

Don’t be me, be better.

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Mystery76 said:

There’s a very good chance I’ve missed out on the loving relationship I really want so much because of the time I’ve wasted on her.

There is always time. Yes, you wasted several years on a dead end relationship but life can surprise us with new opportunities around the corner… Next time, you need to be more discerning and a little less trusting.

[Mystery76]

Yeah, lesson learned & then some. I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been.

[Luna66star]

May I ask why you weren't actively pursuing single women?  Perhaps you wanted to rescue this damsel in distress?  At some level you must have realized this is a losing proposition.  I'm afraid you were used here, yes and a  secret. What happens in these types of dalliances is that the OM gets thrown into the trash like garbage.  Let this be a lesson learned.  Your ego is massively bruised.  But you can recover and move on to women who are actually available.

 

 

 

[glows]

It could be worse. It could have gone on for longer than four years if she hadn't lost interest in you. Take a break for awhile and recoup. It's ok to make mistakes. Just don't make them again or try to avoid similar situations. You're out of it now so thank your lucky stars for the new lease on life.

[mark clemson]

I find it odd she was waking up next to you. How did her BF not catch on? Even if she travels for work, that's a bit unusual.

At any rate, 1) yes, it's certainly true that falling for a taken person usually ends up being a mistake. However, keep in mind that  2) most relationships end and many "high intensity" romances have a tendency to fizzle out. Each couple has a "chemistry" and I have heard that if there is too much "emotional energy" it can actually lead to instability - the emotional highs also tend to come with lows and this eventually (more often than not apparently) causes one or the other partner to burn out on the relationship and leave.

So it may be wiser sometimes to "settle" for a somewhat less intense relationship as the "slower burn" has a better chance of lasting longer. That at least is what I've heard. Even if she hadn't been taken, there's no guarantee it would have lasted.

Consider instead of being bitter, recognizing the reality that it was a great and memorable (and also awful/distressing in some ways) temporary situation. You can chalk it up to experience, be glad no one got (physically) hurt or pregnant, take some real time to emotionally recover, and move on. Life is a marathon not a sprint, and as others have mentioned you have plenty of time to recuperate and find someone else where you can start the relationship on a more stable footing to begin with.

Edited November 1, 2021 by mark clemson

[Mystery76]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

I find it odd she was waking up next to you. How did her BF not catch on? Even if she travels for work, that's a bit unusual.

It was unusual, but it totally tied into the “he doesn’t really care about me” narrative she fed me. It seemed completely legit, until 4 years later she still hadn’t left.

[Mystery76]

12 hours ago, Luna66star said:

May I ask why you weren't actively pursuing single women? 

I wasn’t actively pursuing anyone. I have quite a large self esteem problem which makes pursuing anyone problematic for me. So her throwing herself at me was incredibly flattering & though I resisted at first (& actually declined because I didn’t want to be the other guy) I found myself unable to resist her. Partly due to the fact that I was incredibly lonely & mainly due to how attractive I found her & she literally wouldn’t take no for an answer.

In the end I thought half of something was better than all of nothing, but I’ve never been so wrong.

Edited November 1, 2021 by Mystery76

[Distraught1]

So this guy she lives with is just a boyfriend? So she spent the majority of her time with you for 4 years and 1) He didn't get really upset about this? 2) She was supposedly "miserable" but not married and you went along with this for 4 years? 3) Everything changes after she gets a new job?

She hasn't given you any real answers for what has changed other than she doesn't feel the same? I'm so sorry that this has happened to you but you must take some personal responsibility here. You saw all the red flags early on. Block her from your phone/email/social and move on. I know that the feelings you had for her felt like a drug and you are hurt. Next go round make sure you begin with someone that is available. Maybe try online dating? Don't be too hard on yourself tho. It's really hard to not fall into the trap of love/desire when someone makes you feel those love feelings. It's almost hypnotic. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Mystery76 said:

 I found myself unable to resist her. Partly due to the fact that I was incredibly lonely & mainly due to how attractive I found her

Exactly. That's the perfect storm.

[Mystery76]

3 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

So this guy she lives with is just a boyfriend? So she spent the majority of her time with you for 4 years and 1) He didn't get really upset about this? 2) She was supposedly "miserable" but not married and you went along with this for 4 years? 3) Everything changes after she gets a new job?

She hasn't given you any real answers for what has changed other than she doesn't feel the same? I'm so sorry that this has happened to you but you must take some personal responsibility here. You saw all the red flags early on. Block her from your phone/email/social and move on. I know that the feelings you had for her felt like a drug and you are hurt. Next go round make sure you begin with someone that is available. Maybe try online dating? Don't be too hard on yourself tho. It's really hard to not fall into the trap of love/desire when someone makes you feel those love feelings. It's almost hypnotic. 

I take full responsibility, I knew at the time that I was setting myself up for a fall but she seemed so sincere & I guess I just wanted it to be true. I wanted my happiness even though I felt a huge amount of guilt & sadness to try to get it.

Yeah he’s just a boyfriend, she claimed to have nowhere to live if she left him & I later found out they were in the middle of buying a house when I our affair started which obviously complicated matters. By that time my feelings were fully invested though & as much as my head told me to run a mile, my heart said no.

And yeah, she got a new job which I was massively supportive of & helped her prepare for it, then once she started she suddenly just went cold on me. I’d done nothing wrong, she just changed almost overnight. Then I got “my feelings have changed” when I questioned her about it. Completely out of the blue. Now she spends most of her social life with new people from work, she’s already kissed 2 guys she works with (in the same night & decided it was a good idea to tell me.) 

I knew the likelihood of anything ever going further with us was remote (& got further & further away the longer we went on) but I didn’t expect it to be so cold & abrupt. I now feel like the person I fell in love with doesn’t exist & was nothing but a persona she was putting on.

[Whaatamidoing]

Wow. This feels like a very honest account. From someone who wasted double the time you did, I honestly know how you feel.

I have tried not to obsess and read into behaviours too much because everyone's reasons for behaving the way they do are different but my goodness, you read the similarities in peoples stories on this site and its like some of these people have shared DNA that makes them treat people so terribly. 

Just wanted to say thanks for writing your story, its good to know there are other survivors out there. 

[notbroken]

No matter what, if she comes back to you do not let her back in.  Ignore her.   Do not let her waste even one more minute of your precious time.   She has shown her character many times (cheater who seeks the attention of others no matter what).   Believe her.   Only go after available women.  Period.  No exceptions - ever. 

[Mystery76]

3 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Wow. This feels like a very honest account. From someone who wasted double the time you did, I honestly know how you feel.

I have tried not to obsess and read into behaviours too much because everyone's reasons for behaving the way they do are different but my goodness, you read the similarities in peoples stories on this site and its like some of these people have shared DNA that makes them treat people so terribly. 

Just wanted to say thanks for writing your story, its good to know there are other survivors out there. 

I spent too many times reading into her behaviour & making excuses in my own head for it that I just won’t do it anymore. I just can’t, I’m a shadow of the man I used to be because of the way she’s been with me. And it was all based on the promise of a future that I wanted so much but deep down knew would never happen. When you’re wearing rose coloured glasses, red flags just fade into the background.

Reading some of the stories on here has really made me realise just how common this all is. The feelings, the intensity, the thought that what we had was so special & unbreakable, it’s all so common among us. But it’s no wonder these people seem so perfect & special to us when they only show us what we want to see.

She used to tell me that I was the only one who really knew her, she could only be herself around me. Yet when I see her now, I don’t recognise her at all. She didn’t reallly exist, it was all an act.

 

I never said this to her but I hated her boyfriend, a guy I’ve never even met, because he’d taken what was meant for me. We were meant to be together, how dare he be with her. Now I realise he’s the biggest victim in all this. She’s the one who I should have hated & in many ways I do now. I can’t even look back on the times I had with her with any fondness because I know they were all just stolen from someone else, they were a lie.

[Mystery76]

3 hours ago, notbroken said:

No matter what, if she comes back to you do not let her back in.  Ignore her.   Do not let her waste even one more minute of your precious time.   She has shown her character many times (cheater who seeks the attention of others no matter what).   Believe her.   Only go after available women.  Period.  No exceptions - ever. 

There’s not a chance I’d ever trust her again & I have no desire to ever see or speak to her again. She doesn’t exist as far as I’m concerned, because in all of the important ways, she never really did.

[Wiseman2]

Don't beat yourself up over it. It was good until it wasn't.

In fact unavailable people choose other unavailable people, so that's where you were then.

See it as oh well that was a wild chapter and move forward.

[BaileyB]

20 hours ago, Mystery76 said:

she seemed so sincere & I guess I just wanted it to be true.

Again, the perfect storm. 

You failed to heed the most basic truth of all - cheaters lie.
 

There are good women in the world who are worthy of your love and trust - but you must not trust blindly. And if you place your trust unwisely, you will end up very hurt and disappointed.