What do I do

[Hurtheart]

Hey all new to this group have done some reading and have gone through a few tough break up in the past but this one is hard and confusing.. I’ll get to the point 

we’ve been together for 3 years lived together for 2. Shes 34 I’m 39 she ended things last night. So for the last 7 months we be been really sick with stomach issues that doctors can’t seem to find the problem w. To the point where it kept me home from work and had to go on short term leave and then got extended.

so Finances have been rough especially since we bought a bigger home with more expenses.

 

so this being said she’s had almost all the financial responsibilities in herself and I give her what I can bc I don’t get much now I leave myself with about 100 bucks every week and give her 400. To help out as much as I can.

yesterday we went out to pick up my rental car cause I was in an accident a few nights ago, we came home cleaned our house we grouted our new floors I just installed and then she went upstairs said I asked what was wrong ans she said she’s depressed bc of me but just wanted to sleep and relax so I decided to go have a shower and thought I would go pick up dinner after I got out.

only to find that she left with one of our dogs I guess she’s packed a bag blocked my number and left.

I was beside myself, so she finally got back to me later last night saying she’s done and wants to break up and that she wants me to move out of our home by the end of novemeber.

which is a shock bc I did just get back to work last week and I figured things will start to get better once the money is flowing in again and we can be financially stable again.

so we spoke again this morning I told her I would move to the other side of the house (we have an Old bigger home that has to separate living quarters) and she could stay in our usual space and I would give her space and time to think about if this is what she really wants.

she agrees and says she already paid for a air bnb for 2 more night and wouldn’t mind the space anyways, so I said ok come home when you’re ready to.

I guess she spoke w her mother ( who doesn’t like her daughter to have relationships cause she’s been single for 20 years) those are my gf words not mine. And now she’s going to stay at her dads and wants me out by the end of the month and said she probably won’t come back till I’m gone.

she’s very angry rn, being mean and vindictive.

I need some advice on what to do here everyone. I know she loves me and I love her she’s an awesome step mom to my 2 young teenagers and I really want to make this work 

Tia and hope to hear some advice 

[glows]

Who owns the house? You will have to leave if you don't own it. She has ended the relationship with you and it sounds like she doesn't want to wait anymore for the troubles to clear. She wants you to leave so pack your things and leave. Consult a lawyer in private if you share any assets. 

Once the relationship ends, her stepmother responsibilities end and she owes you or your daughters nothing else by way of financial help or support. Trying to manipulate her into contributing more or staying in the relationship is not going to draw anyone closer to you. Reach out to your family or friends if you need support or help or a place to live while you get yourself back on track and until your health improves.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Hurtheart said:

 she’s done and wants to break up and that she wants me to move out of our home by the end of novemeber.

Do you co-own? Is your name on the deed or mortgage?

Figure out the logistics.  Do your teenagers live with their mother?

You need to get on disability or find some income. 

[Hurtheart]

16 hours ago, glows said:

Who owns the house? You will have to leave if you don't own it. She has ended the relationship with you and it sounds like she doesn't want to wait anymore for the troubles to clear. She wants you to leave so pack your things and leave. Consult a lawyer in private if you share any assets. 

Once the relationship ends, her stepmother responsibilities end and she owes you or your daughters nothing else by way of financial help or support. Trying to manipulate her into contributing more or staying in the relationship is not going to draw anyone closer to you. Reach out to your family or friends if you need support or help or a place to live while you get yourself back on track and until your health improves.

I think you mis read something there 

I’m not asking her for any kind of support I was kindly sayin she’s an amazing step mother to my kids. And I’m not

trying to manipulate anything w her I simply was trying to make a civilized arrangement w her which we are trying to do 

[Hurtheart]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you co-own? Is your name on the deed or mortgage?

Figure out the logistics.  Do your teenagers live with their mother?

You need to get on disability or find some income. 

My name is not on the deed but mortgage payments are split 50/50 I send her etransfer every 2 weeks for my part. And I said I do get disability it’s just not enough to cover all my obligations for the time being but I am looking to try and get back to work.

 

 Ok see kids live w mom ft but spend a lot of time at our place as well .

we had a convo today and I told her I paid off all the bills at home and would send the mortgage payment for next week in a few days

 

i feel like after our convo if I am able to just meet my ends and start showing her that I’m working on myself (I am in therapy) she’ll come back I’m a very patient person but when it comes to this kind of stuff my emotions start to take over and I’ve been learning to deal w it and I’m much better at it but I’ll start smothering her with calls and texts which are legit things I’m asking about what’s happening and sounds like she’s not 100 % if she wants out for good 

 

[glows]

She said she wants you to leave or be out by end of the month? I'm not sure how you're reading this as her possibly coming back to the relationship. From what you wrote or what you've mentioned she said to you it doesn't sound like she wants this relationship to work. Could you clarify? 

Don't transfer any more money to her. Save that for yourself and moving out if you are being asked to move or leave.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you and your kids can't camp out at her house. You'll have to sever all financial ties.

Get to social services for assistance with housing food stamps employment assistance and physical and mental healthcare.

What's up with your kids' mother? They should stay there full time until you find appropriate housing and social services help. 

This woman is not thier step mother nor should she be the unpaid nanny for your kids. You and their mother are solely responsible for their financial support.

[Hurtheart]

23 hours ago, glows said:

She said she wants you to leave or be out by end of the month? I'm not sure how you're reading this as her possibly coming back to the relationship. From what you wrote or what you've mentioned she said to you it doesn't sound like she wants this relationship to work. Could you clarify? 

Don't transfer any more money to her. Save that for yourself and moving out if you are being asked to move or leave.

Yes she asked me to be out by end of the month then we spoke this evening I told her I could leave tonight and she could come back home. And she said I’m worried you have no where to go so just keep me updated no need to leave yet I just want some space and you need to figure it out if you really love me and care about me,  and then said she had to go so we ended the call

[Hurtheart]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you and your kids can't camp out at her house. You'll have to sever all financial ties.

Get to social services for assistance with housing food stamps employment assistance and physical and mental healthcare.

What's up with your kids' mother? They should stay there full time until you find appropriate housing and social services help. 

This woman is not thier step mother nor should she be the unpaid nanny for your kids. You and their mother are solely responsible for their financial support.

My kids do live w there mom ft they just liked spending a lot of Time at our place, and the have never once asked her to support my kids I pay my child support and take care of my kids, and am a big part of both there lives, they have nothing to do w it I’m just saying she was an amazing step mom to them, and she was the one that tagged herself w being a step mom ans wanting to play that role I never once asked her to she loves my kids and they love her, but at no point was she a nanny to them or a financial support to them.

 

I also forgot to mention in my rely above that she still wants to stay in contact but limited and she’s not ready to see me yet, but still feel we should be splitting all the bills equally still even tho she’s asked me to leave. My dad flipped out on me today when I told him I paid a bunch of bills here today and he told me to just tell her I’m moving out and cut her off and if she wants me she’ll know how to find me 

[glows]

I think it's a good idea to listen to dad. Come to a better arrangement about the finances, minimize or stop completely all transfers of money and start making plans to move on. The relationship isn't working. It would be out of the question ever prolonging a situation like this, personally, especially where you know the relationship is so imbalanced. Take care of yourself and move out/move on.

Edited November 3, 2021 by glows

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Hurtheart said:

 My dad flipped out on me today when I told him I paid a bunch of bills here today and he told me to just tell her I’m moving out and cut her off and if she wants me she’ll know how to find me 

Listen to your father. Is that where you are living now? Yes, tie up loose ends and sever all accounts and finances.

Moving out is the end of the relationship, not a "break".

[Hurtheart]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Listen to your father. Is that where you are living now? Yes, tie up loose ends and sever all accounts and finances.

Moving out is the end of the relationship, not a "break".

No my dad moved to cost rica to retire and I don’t have my vaccines yet to travel there or I would have gone already, and I cznt get my vax anytime soon until my doctor ok it for me 

[Hurtheart]

10 hours ago, glows said:

I think it's a good idea to listen to dad. Come to a better arrangement about the finances, minimize or stop completely all transfers of money and start making plans to move on. The relationship isn't working. It would be out of the question ever prolonging a situation like this, personally, especially where you know the relationship is so imbalanced. Take care of yourself and move out/move on.

The problem is I have no where else to go rn I’m trying to find somewhere but it’s not easy 

[glows]

Can you apply for housing assistance or look into subsidized housing in your area? Put yourself on the waitlist at least or inquire. At the moment it doesn't sound like she's interested in rekindling the relationship. She is only looking to recoup costs of you living on her property. Not having a plan to move out or date of move may be pushing her to this and apprehensive. Be prepared for something in writing next. I don't mean to scare you but you need to start thinking and setting your mind on moving out or finding alternate housing. Look and try to see if there are housing programs available in your area.

[Hurtheart]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

Can you apply for housing assistance or look into subsidized housing in your area? Put yourself on the waitlist at least or inquire. At the moment it doesn't sound like she's interested in rekindling the relationship. She is only looking to recoup costs of you living on her property. Not having a plan to move out or date of move may be pushing her to this and apprehensive. Be prepared for something in writing next. I don't mean to scare you but you need to start thinking and setting your mind on moving out or finding alternate housing. Look and try to see if there are housing programs available in your area.

There’s a 5 year wait list I looked into already.

She’s all over the place Rn as well, she asked me to continue renovating the house while I’m here, and that when I move out she’s not just cutting me out or her life and movng on, she said to just work on myself get things back together, and to start seeing my therapist again and said she’s not going anywhere as long as she sees me working on my problems 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Hurtheart said:

The problem is I have no where else to go rn I’m trying to find somewhere but it’s not easy 

Social services will place you in housing/shelters ASAP (forget welfare housing wait lists) as well as help you with food stamps/pantries, employment assistance/training, medical and mental healthcare, etc. But you need to apply. Also research faith-based housing and food assistance in addition to local and federal government help..

Edited November 3, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Hurtheart]

So I decided that I’m going to leave, she’s treating me like I meant absolutely nothing to her over the years, wrong me hates me and I’ll never see her again, I’m taking my stuff to a storage unit and going to stay where ever I can for now 

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Hurtheart said:

So I decided that I’m going to leave, she’s treating me like I meant absolutely nothing to her 

It's good that you realize this. It's much better being on one's own than tied to a situation that's no longer tenable. Keep us updated.

[Hurtheart]

So here’s an update some advice would be appreciated.

so my ex and have been talking and getting along and we’re going to work on our relationship and fix it. Here’s the deal,

She’s coming back home tomorrow and I’m going to be leaving to stay in a air bnb for a week rn. I was able to scrape together about 20k from pretty much anywhere I had money left. It’s all I have left to my name rn.

so here’s the dilemma I feel like if I use this money to pay off all the debt I racked up while being off and I will pretty much eliminate her stress and frustration about financials

is this the right thing to do. I know I’m thinking w my heart and emotions rn so I don’t want to make the wrong decisions and be completely broke for her to tell me she’s changed her mind.

I know regardless we’ll work out our relationship, and get past this but do I wait to pay off the debt until I know she’s back, or do I do it regardless bc it’s my responsibility and the right thing to do regardless of the outcome?

 

[spiderowl]

I am really sorry to hear what happened, Hurtheart.

I am a little puzzled about this stomach problem.  In your post, you said 'we' had had stomach issues - is it both of you or just yourself?  If it was both of you, it might suggest an environmental cause, like problems with the water or some kind of parasitic infection you have both been exposed to.  If it is just you, I am sorry you are feeling ill.  I hope you can get the right diagnosis and treatment as it must be very wearing for you.

As you are back at work, I assume that the stomach problems have eased a bit?  I would think the financial stress has been hard on both of you.

Whatever has happened regarding health, it sounds like your girlfriend is truly fed up about something.  It is unlikely she would blame you for being ill (though some people do blame people for things like that).  Has she been grumbling about other things?  What has made her so upset that she has left?

It could be she simply fell out of love and does not feel the same way any more.  There is nothing you can do about that.  It hurts, it's a shock, it must seem incredibly unfair, but it is just the way it is.

You need to check to see if you have any legal standing to stay in the house at all.  If you don't, then you need to find somewhere else to live.  I hope that is not too difficult for you.  Have you got relatives you could stay with for a while, just to tide you over until you get your own room/place?

If your girlfriend has literally left the building, she has had enough and does not want to continue the relationship.  I know this must be an awful shock for you but I bet she has been thinking along these lines for a while now.  She sounds determined and is happy to accept her father's assistance in the matter.

I am sorry you are facing all this when you are trying to get back on your feet.  However much of a shock it is, you don't want to be with a woman who has reached this point and wants you to leave.  I am sure you will find someone in the future who will be there for you.  Sadly, it is just not this one.

xx

[spiderowl]

Are debts the reason your girlfriend wanted to break up?  Who is legally liable for the debts, you or her?

If debts are one of the main problems, then I would guess she has been getting more and more stressed about them.  Who should have paid off the debts?

You are in a real bind now, because things have got to a crunch point.  If you pay off the debts with the money you have managed to pull together, there is still no guarantee your girlfriend will want to continue with the relationship.  By now, she may just want the debts paying off.

I think it would be wise to consult a lawyer.  There may be law firms in your area that offer brief free consultations.  You need to find out what you are obliged to pay for and what your girlfriend is responsible for, then you need to prioritise the things that are most important at the moment.  What is actually most important is that you get a roof over your head, food and essential utilities, then consider whether paying off any debts is the next priority.  What you don't want to do is to pay off debts that only affect your ex and leave yourself skint without a home or essential supplies.

You need to act rationally and with appropriate legal/financial advice here rather than doing the emotional thing and trying to please your ex.  Yes, paying off the debts may reduce her anxieties so that she considers getting back with you, but then again it might not.  I'd hate to see you stranded.

Edited November 13, 2021 by spiderowl

[Hurtheart]

2 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Are debts the reason your girlfriend wanted to break up?  Who is legally liable for the debts, you or her?

If debts are one of the main problems, then I would guess she has been getting more and more stressed about them.  Who should have paid off the debts?

You are in a real bind now, because things have got to a crunch point.  If you pay off the debts with the money you have managed to pull together, there is still no guarantee your girlfriend will want to continue with the relationship.  By now, she may just want the debts paying off.

I think it would be wise to consult a lawyer.  There may be law firms in your area that offer brief free consultations.  You need to find out what you are obliged to pay for and what your girlfriend is responsible for, then you need to prioritise the things that are most important at the moment.  What is actually most important is that you get a roof over your head, food and essential utilities, then consider whether paying off any debts is the next priority.  What you don't want to do is to pay off debts that only affect your ex and leave yourself skint without a home or essential supplies.

You need to act rationally and with appropriate legal/financial advice here rather than doing the emotional thing and trying to please your ex.  Yes, paying off the debts may reduce her anxieties so that she considers getting back with you, but then again it might not.  I'd hate to see you stranded.

Debts aren’t the reason persay but it was the fact that I was spending money on things I wanted instead of needed while I was not working, the financial debt legally is under her name, some under mine as well, but wether we are together or not I feel like I am responsible to cover my debt that I incurred under her name only seems fair I don’t use people and don’t want to have that title on my head.

She has made it clear we will work through our problems and continue our relationship but we’re doing to do it slowly to make sure we can make it last forever this time, I just don’t want to be put in a position where I pay off the debt all right now and then she changes her mind, which I don’t think she will.

 

and for the stomach issues it’s only mr that was sick she is healthy 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Hurtheart said:

I feel like I am responsible to cover my debt that I incurred under her name only seems fair I don’t use people and don’t want to have that title on my head.

<snip>

I just don’t want to be put in a position where I pay off the debt all right now and then she changes her mind, which I don’t think she will.

 

You've given two different points of view in the same post, so I'm not sure which one you'll stand by.

Yes, you're correct that paying off debt you incurred under her name is the right thing to do.    If you don't pay it all off (or at least make a substantial dent in the balance) you may find she takes you to the small claims court and you'll have to pay it off anyway.   

Paying it all back soon won't guarantee that she'll change her mind, but her seeing you being responsible will certainly help your cause.  But not paying it back soon will almost certainly guarantee that her mind will stay set on ending things. 

[Wiseman2]

Start working any and as many jobs as you can. Anything. Uber, retail, fast food whatever. Also housing is the issue. You can't use her as a homeless shelter.

You'll need stable accommodation. Do not move back in. Find your own stable accommodation. Now you're wasting money on BNB instead of working and finding a room for rent. 

You need your own place and income. 

[glows]

10 hours ago, Hurtheart said:

I just don’t want to be put in a position where I pay off the debt all right now and then she changes her mind, which I don’t think she will.

They're two separate issues: your debt that you need to pay back and the relationship. I agree that the Airbnb is a complete waste of money. Use that cash instead for a rental deposit for ie and secure your own housing. Find your own place. Date while living apart and work on a relationship that way. 

The relationship isn't secure. It's dependent on you making sound decisions for yourself because your lack of income or spending habit has caused her to end or nearly end the relationship once. Of course you feel insecure and uncertain. It's the uncertainty about yourself, her uncertainty with you, and how you both function as a couple that's causing all that anxiety. I'd strongly encourage you to be more financially independent before reintroducing a relationship or work hard in tandem to do so if you can manage it. Don't slip into the same patterns.