What do I do

[Hurtheart]

Ok so I moved out on Saturday. And for some reason we’re still talking, yesterday we spent the day together went out picked up a few things did some stuff at home together, then I left . When I leaving she started to get angry at me but I left it alone went to my air bnb and went to bed. Then this morning she knew I was going to come over as I have the day off work to get some stuff done as we’ve been doing a reno for 5 months now or so;  she called me this morning wasn’t in a good mood and then said do not go to the house I don’t want you there today my dad is there doing a few things. So I left and said ok . She’s really angry at this point that she blocks my number then blocke me on fb. Then she calls me back a cpl hrs later and says ok can you go ti the hiuse my dad will be there and just do what u need to do, and wel talk after your therapy appt tonight. 
 

my brain is racked I don’t even know what to do or think anymore, she know I have plans for us for nye to take her somewhere I’ve always wanted to take her, I told her it’s up to her and to let me know if she doesn’t want to go so I can cancel it without a fee I must do this 3 days before, amd she said ok I’ll think about it and it sounds like a fun good idea for us.

she hasn’t said she doesn’t want to go anymore. I’ve also asked her to go out w me this Saturday to take her somewhere we would both enjoy and said just let me know by Wednesday.

what am I suppose to do here guys.

I can’t go. NC bc we still do have a lot to deal with, and I she told me if I can get my shot together and come back and show her that we’ll be together again and we can continue to communicate but for the time being she doesn’t want to see me again and doesn’t wKt to talk about us until she’s ready bc she needs time to deal with her emotions rn too amd try and fix herself 

 

thanks for reading guys I know you all think I’m doing the wrong thing and I’m stupid but u have to understand it’s not a relationship we can both just walk away from and not speak again 

[Hurtheart]

Ok so the last few days my ex and I have been hanging out cooking and eating dinner together then laying in bed watching a movie before I leave for the night. Things seem to be getting better my therapist is helping me a lot which makes me happy, Saturday night I’m taking her out on a date 

could someone give me some clarity on what might be going on through her head ?

[Quokka]

42 minutes ago, Hurtheart said:

So I’ve posted my story just wanted to get some insight on a few more things.

so the past week things where going great w my ex we where hanging out at home everyday making dinner together talking like we use to having movie time and then I would leave for the night to respect her wishes, as she told me she’ll let me know when she’s ready anything else.

so on Thursday she had an appt w her therapist, first appt in about a year. After her appt I didn’t hear from her then she came home as I was already there working on the house, amd her attitude towards me completely changed, she went back to being cold saying she needs more space and time; then the next day wants me to come back over, so I do we hang I have dinner I go home: 

then we get to today. I call her in the morning and said are we still on for today? She said ya come over, so I go over we do a few things arounf the house then head out to go see Xmas lights at a festival, we had a great night had fun there then stopped for a bite to eat and I was exhausted so I said I’m leaving an. Going to my moms, and I’ll give her the day to herself tomorrow and we can chat on Monday.

not sure what to think about all this, I know there isn’t another man in the picture as she told me she had never lied even made me go through her whole phone, so I know she’s just hurting and not sure what to do rn.

can someone tell me what I should do? Or explain what’s going on through her mind and feelings?

I really do want us to fix our relationship ans I think with enough time and me proving I’ll hold my weight financially we can, she told me I have to prove to her and not push her back and to let her come on her own if she decides to

i know why people say go NC for this very reason but like I’ve mentioned before that’s not possible at this time as we have a lot we would need to deal with before that can happen and it seems like that will be months away still.

TIA For any help hope to hear from some people on what they think is happening here 

If I were you I'd stop all this lingering that you're doing. Boss up and tell her this:

"Look, I can't continue to put myself out there and be rejected. I still see a future with us and I would like for us to move in that direction. The back and forth isn't doing anything for me but causing more confusion. I'm going to continue to work on myself and do my thing. If you decide that you want to have that conversation, the door is open and if you decide not to, that's okay too. I wish you the best regardless."

She's going to respect you for putting your foot down and setting up boundaries. After you say that to her, dig deep within yourself and fall back and go NC until she contacts you.

Good luck.

 

EDIT: she can't miss you if you're always around. The way someone misses you is if you go missing.

Edited November 21, 2021 by Quokka

[Hurtheart]

So I’ve posted my story just wanted to get some insight on a few more things.

so the past week things where going great w my ex we where hanging out at home everyday making dinner together talking like we use to having movie time and then I would leave for the night to respect her wishes, as she told me she’ll let me know when she’s ready anything else.

so on Thursday she had an appt w her therapist, first appt in about a year. After her appt I didn’t hear from her then she came home as I was already there working on the house, amd her attitude towards me completely changed, she went back to being cold saying she needs more space and time; then the next day wants me to come back over, so I do we hang I have dinner I go home: 

then we get to today. I call her in the morning and said are we still on for today? She said ya come over, so I go over we do a few things arounf the house then head out to go see Xmas lights at a festival, we had a great night had fun there then stopped for a bite to eat and I was exhausted so I said I’m leaving an. Going to my moms, and I’ll give her the day to herself tomorrow and we can chat on Monday.

not sure what to think about all this, I know there isn’t another man in the picture as she told me she had never lied even made me go through her whole phone, so I know she’s just hurting and not sure what to do rn.

can someone tell me what I should do? Or explain what’s going on through her mind and feelings?

I really do want us to fix our relationship ans I think with enough time and me proving I’ll hold my weight financially we can, she told me I have to prove to her and not push her back and to let her come on her own if she decides to

i know why people say go NC for this very reason but like I’ve mentioned before that’s not possible at this time as we have a lot we would need to deal with before that can happen and it seems like that will be months away still.

TIA For any help hope to hear from some people on what they think is happening here 

 

 

Edited November 21, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixing accidental merge mess up

[Hurtheart]

4 minutes ago, Quokka said:

If I were you I'd stop all this lingering that you're doing. Boss up and tell her this:

"Look, I can't continue to put myself out there and be rejected. I still see a future with us and I would like for us to move in that direction. The back and forth isn't doing anything for me but causing more confusion. I'm going to continue to work on myself and do my thing. If you decide that you want to have that conversation, the door is open and if you decide not to, that's okay too. I wish you the best regardless."

She's going to respect you for putting your foot down and setting up boundaries. After you say that to her, dig deep within yourself and fall back and go NC until she contacts you.

Good luck.

See I get this statement and understand it , like I said I can’t do it right now as we have a lot going on and can’t just cut off communication until it’s all dealt with . We’re getting along fine I told her the same thing I feel like I’m around to much when u asked for space and she said don’t worry I’ll let you know if I don’t want you here. I always leave before she has the chance to have to ask me about o leave bc I know she doesn’t want me to spend the night yet and I’m ok w that, I’m just really trying to fix this relationship not give up and I know she doesn’t want to give up yet either she just wants to me to show her I’m going to do what I say I’m going to 

[Quokka]

20 hours ago, Hurtheart said:

See I get this statement and understand it , like I said I can’t do it right now as we have a lot going on and can’t just cut off communication until it’s all dealt with . We’re getting along fine I told her the same thing I feel like I’m around to much when u asked for space and she said don’t worry I’ll let you know if I don’t want you here. I always leave before she has the chance to have to ask me about o leave bc I know she doesn’t want me to spend the night yet and I’m ok w that, I’m just really trying to fix this relationship not give up and I know she doesn’t want to give up yet either she just wants to me to show her I’m going to do what I say I’m going to 

I would start to become distant with her then if you're not willing to just cut contact. Next time she asks you over, be so busy that you don't have time. Let her wonder about you man. That  gets women acting crazy for you. 

Edited November 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Hurtheart]

20 hours ago, Quokka said:

I would start to become distant with her then if you're not willing to just cut contact. Next time she asks you over, be so busy that you don't have time. Let her wonder about you man. That  gets women acting crazy for you. 

See I feel like that’s manipulating tho, I mean I get the logic in it, but won’t she just think I stopped caring and I’m probably Out sleeping with someone else?

Edited November 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Quokka]

8 minutes ago, Hurtheart said:

See I feel like that’s manipulating tho, I mean I get the logic in it, but won’t she just think I stopped caring and I’m probably Out sleeping with someone else?

It's not manipulative man. Make yourself so busy that you really don't have time. Focus on you, your purpose, your health, your wealth. All of that. Right now, she's getting the best of both worlds. She gets the house to herself and she still has you around to take care of everything when what are you getting? Not really anything at all and definitely no sex. How is this an ideal situation for you? I know you love the girl but bro, love yourself too. She's going to respect that if you set boundaries because it seems like this situation is only serving to make you more miserable and if I'm wrong why are you here asking for advice if this situation was working for you?

Edited November 21, 2021 by Quokka

[Hurtheart]

21 hours ago, Quokka said:

It's not manipulative man. Make yourself so busy that you really don't have time. Focus on you, your purpose, your health, your wealth. All of that. Right now, she's getting the best of both worlds. She gets the house to herself and she still has you around to take care of everything when what are you getting? Not really anything at all and definitely no sex. How is this an ideal situation for you? I know you love the girl but bro, love yourself too. She's going to respect that if you set boundaries because it seems like this situation is only serving to make you more miserable and if I'm wrong why are you here asking for advice if this situation was working for you?

You know when u put it that way, it makes more sense to me, and you’re absolutely right I’m there fixing the house, spending money to buy materials, and still going to work all day before I go there, and ya there’s no sex there’s no cuddling we pretty much play house but without the romance rn. 
 

im just confused man and I don’t know what to do anymore 

Edited November 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Quokka]

Glad you got it bro, definitely didn't mean to come off cross towards you or anything like that. But yeah man, don't let it build up to resentment towards her or anything. But she really is getting the breakup without having to really EXPERIENCE the break up. Let her feel your absence like for real. She'll likely realize since you are so helpful, supportive, and respectful of her boundaries that she is f'ing it up by acting this way toward you. Let her see that it is pushing you away.

Edited November 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Hurtheart]

1 minute ago, Quokka said:

Thank you man this was insightful and very helpful. I will do that. 

I’m just going by my own life experience here, her and I did eventually break up a few years after that, but that was a long time ago when I was drinking all the time I had given up on tje relationship, what that final nail in the coffin was when I slept with another women and after that I came clean the next day bc I didn’t even feel remorseful for what I did, I knew the love was gone and wanted to end it 

[Hurtheart]

Just now, Quokka said:

Glad you got it bro, definitely didn't mean to come off cross towards you or anything like that. But yeah man, don't let it build up to resentment towards her or anything. But she really is getting the breakup without having to really EXPERIENCE the break up. Let her feel your absence like for real. She'll likely realize since you are so helpful, supportive, and respectful of her boundaries that she is f'ing it up by acting this way toward you. Let her see that it is pushing you away.

No no didn’t feel like you where coming at me at all; sometimes I need to be told lol 

and ya she’s not exp it bc I’m there for her, but I do it bc I love her and she bought this house for us bc I told her I would make it out forever home( I’m a contractor) and I mean I just pretty much finished the kitchen today, and she was happy and excited but I still don’t feel the love, lol I did catch her a few times checking me out hard but I ignored it 

[Quokka]

21 hours ago, Hurtheart said:

No no didn’t feel like you where coming at me at all; sometimes I need to be told lol 

and ya she’s not exp it bc I’m there for her, but I do it bc I love her and she bought this house for us bc I told her I would make it out forever home( I’m a contractor) and I mean I just pretty much finished the kitchen today, and she was happy and excited but I still don’t feel the love, lol I did catch her a few times checking me out hard but I ignored it 

she still digs you man, what a break up really is, is just a drop in attraction. You're the man. You're the captain of this relationship. Women like to be led so lead her in the direction of what you desire. You can create attraction by creating distance. When you become less available, your value will go up in her eyes. It's simple economics really. For example, toilet paper when covid hit, nobody cared about toilet paper before the pandemic and then when the pandemic hit it was like toilet paper was this hot commodity that everyone had to have. Not comparing you to toilet paper lmao but you get what I'm saying? Attraction grows in space.

Edited November 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Hurtheart]

lol man that was crazy haha f toilet paper shortage never in my life did I think that would happen lol..: right now I know it’s not about attraction she doesn’t trust me rn; and I didn’t cheat or abuse her it’s all about finances mostly and me not spending time w her and I stopped pretty much taking her out on dates and she felt like I didn’t care anymore, hense the reason I planned this night out last week bought tickets and then then told her about it and said the offer is there if you want to come if you don’t it’s all good. And we did have a good time tonight 

Edited November 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language in quote

[Quokka]

3 minutes ago, Hurtheart said:

lol man that was crazy haha f toilet paper shortage never in my life did I think that would happen lol..: right now I know it’s not about attraction she doesn’t trust me rn; and I didn’t cheat or abuse her it’s all about finances mostly and me not spending time w her and I stopped pretty much taking her out on dates and she felt like I didn’t care anymore, hense the reason I planned this night out last week bought tickets and then then told her about it and said the offer is there if you want to come if you don’t it’s all good. And we did have a good time tonight 

she'll likely come around man. Don't stick your neck out too far to where you're hurting so much and pining for her is all that I'm trying to say. Let her come to you. It sounds like you're navigating this thing appropriately but, I would definitely take a couple steps back and see what kind of results you can get from some distance. Who knows, she may hit you up after a couple of days of not speaking or seeing each other and you come in and she's in some lingerie lol wouldn't that be somethin

Edited November 21, 2021 by Quokka

[elaine567]

I think if she dumped you for your financial situation and for not paying attention to her and neglecting her, then not paying attention to her and neglecting her, will show her she was right to dump you and you haven't changed at all... 

[Alpacalia]

When you weren't working, you spent your money on things you desired rather than things you needed, and she was stressed out by the finances, extra bills, and your disregard for her.

Why would you prefer ignoring her and wasting your money on frivolous stuff over chilling with the missus?

If, now, you honestly believe "she is the one for you," then you'd better start making adjustments.

She doesn’t want to go through the same thing again. Yeah, smart!

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, Hurtheart said:

can someone tell me what I should do? Or explain what’s going on through her mind and feelings?

She could, although it may not be easy for her. Also, if she's firmly decided to break up, she might she might not be fully forthright about things in an effort to avoid confrontation/dragging things out, etc.

Although they may not have said it this way, I think the advice above to perhaps focus more on yourself and being/becoming the best person you can be, thus making yourself more inherently desirable, is probably good. That way you are set whether it works out with her or not. Sometimes if the other person is set on leaving there isn't much one can do. Pining for them doesn't normally help, but if it's hard to stop you might as well ALSO focus on self-improvement.

I once lost a girl who I was "hung up on" for more than a year. But in the end, having touched base with her literally decades later, I'm convinced I'm actually significantly better off than I would have been if I had been able to get her back at the time.

Edited November 21, 2021 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

The problem is you have no bottom line. You will basically go along with however she treats you. You are in totally response mode. You're anticipating when she wants to see you and anticipating when she doesn't. You're removing yourself when you think she might want you gone.

This is not a relationship. You are acting like a servant, and I put no gender role on this point. At some point, you need a bottom line. What do you require to keep going? You don't have one, so you'll just basically work around her preferences. Which NEVER works. NEVER works.

And I'll go back to the point others have made--it's just an excuse that you say you can't go NC. People go NC all the time and then arrange to finish their stuff around NC. If she was hitting you, you wouldn't say "I have to see her because we still have stuff together."

You can send someone to get your stuff. You can arrange to go there when she's not there. Again, you're setting any bottom lines. Everything is vague, everything is flexible and as a result what you get is the uncertainty and confusion that you're experiencing right now. You gotta have your own bottom line. I need this, require that and needs to be within this period of time or else I want out. 

I'm going to ask a tough question: could she do ANYTHING that would truly cause you to NOT want to be with her? Name it. 

Right now, it seems like if she tomorrow were to say "I don't want to see you for a month," you would basically go along. Or she were to say I want to see you only between 4 and 6 p.m. on Tuesday and Thursdays, you'd go along with that as well. Again, what would you NOT go along with?

 

 

 

 

Edited November 21, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Hurtheart]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The problem is you have no bottom line. You will basically go along with however she treats you. You are in totally response mode. You're anticipating when she wants to see you and anticipating when she doesn't. You're removing yourself when you think she might want you gone.

This is not a relationship. You are acting like a servant, and I put no gender role on this point. At some point, you need a bottom line. What do you require to keep going? You don't have one, so you'll just basically work around her preferences. Which NEVER works. NEVER works.

And I'll go back to the point others have made--it's just an excuse that you say you can't go NC. People go NC all the time and then arrange to finish their stuff around NC. If she was hitting you, you wouldn't say "I have to see her because we still have stuff together."

You can send someone to get your stuff. You can arrange to go there when she's not there. Again, you're setting any bottom lines. Everything is vague, everything is flexible and as a result what you get is the uncertainty and confusion that you're experiencing right now. You gotta have your own bottom line. I need this, require that and needs to be within this period of time or else I want out. 

I'm going to ask a tough question: could she do ANYTHING that would truly cause you to NOT want to be with her? Name it. 

Right now, it seems like if she tomorrow were to say "I don't want to see you for a month," you would basically go along. Or she were to say I want to see you only between 4 and 6 p.m. on Tuesday and Thursdays, you'd go along with that as well. Again, what would you NOT go along with?

 

 

 

 

Ok see this is where you’re wrong. I’m not her servant and no I don’t just go along w whatever she says, yes there are many things she could do that would make me not go back, I told her I need to know in the future when things get hard she’s not gonna pick up and run, she’s also started therapy she just had her first session this week ; so we’ll see how it plays out. For instance today I spent all day to myself I went shopping for my kids Xmas gifts; got a haircut, talked to a few friends on FaceTime for a few hours saw my kids then I went to see her we had dinner had a good night together we spoke on the phone for an hour when I left and I told her I would see her tomorrow and she said ok great and I ended the call. You need to get that I do love her snd want to fix my issues so we can be together this time forever, all NC does is get a person out of your life for good we both don’t want that, and I know it could be a mistake but I guess I’m willing to take that chance and if I see it’s not going anywhere then I will go Nc to heal and remove her from my life 

[Hurtheart]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The problem is you have no bottom line. You will basically go along with however she treats you. You are in totally response mode. You're anticipating when she wants to see you and anticipating when she doesn't. You're removing yourself when you think she might want you gone.

This is not a relationship. You are acting like a servant, and I put no gender role on this point. At some point, you need a bottom line. What do you require to keep going? You don't have one, so you'll just basically work around her preferences. Which NEVER works. NEVER works.

And I'll go back to the point others have made--it's just an excuse that you say you can't go NC. People go NC all the time and then arrange to finish their stuff around NC. If she was hitting you, you wouldn't say "I have to see her because we still have stuff together."

You can send someone to get your stuff. You can arrange to go there when she's not there. Again, you're setting any bottom lines. Everything is vague, everything is flexible and as a result what you get is the uncertainty and confusion that you're experiencing right now. You gotta have your own bottom line. I need this, require that and needs to be within this period of time or else I want out. 

I'm going to ask a tough question: could she do ANYTHING that would truly cause you to NOT want to be with her? Name it. 

Right now, it seems like if she tomorrow were to say "I don't want to see you for a month," you would basically go along. Or she were to say I want to see you only between 4 and 6 p.m. on Tuesday and Thursdays, you'd go along with that as well. Again, what would you NOT go along with?

 

 

 

 

And to be more clear no I wouldn’t go along w her saying I don’t want to see u for a month or only for a couple hrs twice a week. I would just walk away at that point tbh, what I’m trying to look figure out is why is she acting like this when she left me? I don’t want to be put down I already feel bad as it is and reading that made me feel like I’m just a loser

Edited November 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Lotsgoingon]

You are not a loser.  Many of us get in relationships that get one sided because we like the person so much--even while the person doesn't work as hard as we work or make themselves as available and on and on. Many of us grow up in families where we don't really learn how to assert ourselves in a constructive way. 

I'm just passing on my hard-earned knowledge.  Every time I did not have a firm bottom line, I got burned. Absolutely. Every. Time.

I would work hard, bend my schedule, try to be super flexible and all of that--and that is all good as long as you are in a fully equal relationship where the other person is doing the same. But if the other person is setting all the limits and limiting the time you can spend together and all of that, then no amount of "niceness" will win the person over. 

It's best to realize that you are OK, that you will survive without this other person (even though your heart presently tells you that isn't true), and you can get on with your life and the great task of finding someone who is equally into you.  You're not a loser. But you do want to have some boundaries and some expectations in order to protect yourself. I'm just saying you can do a better job of protecting yourself. But the fact that you are writing on this forum says to me that your mind knows something isn't quite right about what your ex is doing, and admitting things ain't quite right is half the battle. 

Coming here and writing about what's going on can be a step in the right direction of protecting yourself. 

 

 

[assertives]

2 hours ago, Hurtheart said:

what I’m trying to look figure out is why is she acting like this when she left me?

My guess is because of the ongoing reno you are still doing for her and the money you still owe her. There's no benefit for her to be estranged from her debtor.