Trying to make sense of my ex getting married after our break up.

[rbrt140]

I will try to make this short and sweet and thanks in advance for any advice. 

My ex and I met each other at a job about 8 years ago. At that job we became good friends but nothing more. At that job, she got involved with someone in management that was married with 2 kids and as you can imagine, it was a long complicated emotional mess they had for a few years. Eventually they ended things, she moved to NY and he got back with his wife and had another kid. 

Fast forward 7 years later, she moves back to my city and we work together on a few projects and start hanging out a bit more. One night, it happened, we kissed and, a few days later started to date. I do think now, that we did jump into straight dating pretty quickly and just as quick she started to keep her stuff at my place.

I want to  point out that I was always attracted to her and we always flirted but I always also thought that a relationship would not work between us because there are a a lot differences in tastes, goals and lifestyle that I know would not work in the long run, but also she was such a good friend and I was so attracted to her that I figured it was worth giving it a shot.

Over the next few months, we had a good relationship in the sense that I was dating one of my best friends, and we got along great. However, she was working a ton and so was I and even though we lived minutes apart, we did not spend too much free time together, I was traveling and so was she, and very consumed by our work. Also, she always had plans to work more on the west coast, since she works in film production, and my business is in the east with no plans of moving anytime soon. 

After 6 months, and not being happy and not seeing a real future here, I decided to end the relationship. She was understanding and agreed that it was best not to keep the relationship going. 

Here is where it gets interesting..

3 Weeks later after our breakup, we met for breakfast and she told me that she had traveled to the city where her ex (married guy from the past who is now not married anymore) and felt she still had feelings for him and is going to move there and be with him. He proposed to her right away and they are either engaged or married already. 

I was aware of their communication because she would tell me and show me it. Also, she would get emotional about talking about him and the past they had which was a red flag for me that there was something there unresolved. But there was no way I could've ever expected her to ever go back to him, to a family that already sees her as a homewrecker. But it happened, and it happened fast, in a span of 2 months we broke up, she left her job and business partner here, moved in with him and got engaged (or married)

I have been thinking alot about her, and the whole situation. It is not that I miss or want her back (even though I do miss my friend) but it came to such a surprise, and it is such a confusing decision that I have been trying to wrap my mind around why she would do that and why she would do this all so fast?? 

 

[glows]

She's been a fast mover since you've known her though. This isn't uncharacteristic. She feels something, she must do something about it. That's how she is. I'm sorry you're hurting. Give yourself more time to absorb the events that are happening and distance yourself. Encourage her to find happiness and don't have any other contact with her again unless it's for work/professional reasons only and even so, keep it civil.

[rbrt140]

21 minutes ago, glows said:

She's been a fast mover since you've known her though. This isn't uncharacteristic. She feels something, she must do something about it. That's how she is. I'm sorry you're hurting. Give yourself more time to absorb the events that are happening and distance yourself. Encourage her to find happiness and don't have any other contact with her again unless it's for work/professional reasons only and even so, keep it civil.

Thanks!, I agree and that is exactly what I have been and am planning on doing, we spoke a few times after the whole thing happened but stopped that pretty quickly. And you are right, she has always been a fast mover and I do wish her to be happy because she is a great person and deserves it. I am not sure if its pain that I am feeling but whatever it is I know it will take time to get over. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rbrt140 said:

she told me that she had traveled to the city where her ex (married guy from the past who is now not married anymore) and felt she still had feelings for him and is going to move there and be with him. He proposed to her right away and they are either engaged or married already. 

Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Too flakey and neurotic.

Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps. Why? Because when Mr. cheater cheats on her she'll come running for male attention, just like she did before.

Perhaps she was intense or interesting but she's too flighty to be happy with in the long run.

Edited November 1, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ShyViolet]

"Why" she would do this is not something that is your job to figure out.  Your relationship with her is over and all you need to focus on is moving on.  It was not a good idea to meet up with her 3 weeks after your breakup; I'm not sure why you were doing that.  Just distance yourself from her and focus on moving forward.

[rbrt140]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

"Why" she would do this is not something that is your job to figure out.  Your relationship with her is over and all you need to focus on is moving on.  It was not a good idea to meet up with her 3 weeks after your breakup; I'm not sure why you were doing that.  Just distance yourself from her and focus on moving forward.

You are 100% right. When we met it was pretty innocent, specially since none of this had happened and that was the day she told me she was moving. 

I did not think much of it but even after the whole move happened... she would call and facetime me here and there like nothing had happened, even facetimed me once from that guy's house...which I found odd.... looking back I know I should've ignored those but I can also be soft about those things. Either way we have not had contact for a while now and I plan to keep it that way. Its just such a wtf decision to me that I guess Im trying to make sense of it but yes you are right, this is not my problem anymore and I will just move on.

[ShyViolet]

54 minutes ago, rbrt140 said:

. she would call and facetime me here and there like nothing had happened, even facetimed me once from that guy's house...which I found odd....

This behavior on her part is an indication that she is immature and has no boundaries.  You don't have to allow it.  This is your cue to let her know that you won't continue this, or even block her if necessary.  It's up to you to set your boundaries and put a stop to anything that's inappropriate or unhealthy.

[rbrt140]

10 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

This behavior on her part is an indication that she is immature and has no boundaries.  You don't have to allow it.  This is your cue to let her know that you won't continue this, or even block her if necessary.  It's up to you to set your boundaries and put a stop to anything that's inappropriate or unhealthy.

Yeah I thought it was odd as well. But this was a few weeks ago and we stopped that ever since. I don't think it was meant in an bad way but probably the last bits of relationship that remained. I was the one who initiated the breakup, honestly I was thinking about it a month before we even broke up but I guess I am just a bit jealous cause something I had recently with someone is gone and I know that is something I have to deal with myself. I do wish her the best and hope that she is finds happiness cause she is a good person all in all.

Still just such a confusing decision and turn of events that affected me a little more than I expected.