The Cut Off

[Akasha41]

This is going to be a long post and I don't really expect anyone to read through it all, but this is the only place that I feel like I have to word vomit. The short story is that I have an ex who likes to keep in minimal contact which at first I was fine with because the initial reason for the breakup was due to a traumatic family situation on his part, something that has changed his life and trajectory from now through the next few years or more. However, people talk and the more and more other folks pass along to me (which I do not want or ask for, I hate gossip mongering with a passion), the more dishonest it seems he was from the get-go and I don't know if I have anymore energy or compassion to interact, but I've been cordial because he's best friends with my best friend and her husband since grade school and I never want to stir pots or pit anyone against the other. That's the short version.

The long of it begins like this; I've been best friends with a girl since college and throughout the last few years she always hinted at this guy friend who she thought would be a great match for me. Almost every time, he was dating or I was dating so I never really thought more about it, plus I usually didn't date in friend circles because more times than not, gossip bubbles and if things don't work out, atom bomb. Then a moment came during COVID-19 where we were both single and she asked me if I was interested in talking with him. I decided that it wouldn't hurt to connect and she told me directly that he was really interested in me since almost a year prior when we saw and talked to each other at a party. He had gotten out of a relationship and I specifically said that I don't want to be someone's rebound, I'm not looking for a casual fling and if you're not emotionally out of the previous relationship, don't try to rush things. He took his time before he did and when we first hung out, we hit it off right away. It was the first time I felt so at ease with someone and that someone wasn't just a boy or guy, but a man who listened, understood, genuinely cared and physically, mentally, emotionally clicked. It didn't take long for things to be official and then fall in love, something that I never expected to happen so easily so it was strange and new, but also felt right. At least at first.

Over time, I started to feel sad and I truly believed that it was just me; I had suffered from depression before in my life and I was working through PMDD which contributed to that. It was around 5 months in and I began to realize a few things that inevitably were never addressed; he was someone that had many commitments to family, to work, to being in school which I had always respected him for but then understood that there were so many priorities before getting to me. It would start with asking if I wanted anything that he could drop off after work just to see me for a few minutes but never did, promising to call including on Christmas Day since we were with our families in different states but never pulling through, rescheduling and changing dates at the very last minute because a new odd job popped up. I understood how important finances were for him as he took care of many others so I never blamed him for taking on extra hours or doing what he had to for family because if it were me, I would do the same. I never wanted him to spend outside of his means for me, if I could have I would've paid him for his time, but it was thoughts like that made me realize I shouldn't be feeling or saying that. I felt more like a back-burner despite being the "love of his life" and we were no longer operating on equal terms. I kept on telling myself that it was ok, it's not always going to be like this, it's worth the wait because we were seeing a future together. There were other external circumstances that aggravated these feelings too; we were basically virtual for two months due to the Holidays, the attack on the Capitol, a sudden family death that neither of us returned to our home state as soon as we thought we would. We reunited for V-Day and had a few days together and were planning our next date so we could try to go back to normal pace. And then that was rescheduled because of a COVID scare from his job and then the heartbreaking family bomb dropped on his side which led to the decision to break up, over three calls no less. He had to change everything, find a new job, move closer to family, put school on hold and it would be a whole year's process to do it all. I would have tried for long distance, but I also knew that I couldn't change his mind nor tell him what the right thing to do was, so I was honest and respected the final decision. He said that he loved me, that maybe someday we could revisit "us" and that I made a big difference in his life.

It hurt more knowing that he was now on a path that would have a lot of sorrow which I wouldn't wish on anyone, but I also had to confront my own pain head on, so I left to stay with family to celebrate mine and my brother's birthdays, find solid ground and work through my own heartache. He and I agreed on keeping the lines of communication open because we still cared for each other and I didn't want to turn my back on him, I knew I was one of a small handful of people who would know the whole truth and whether he relied on me or not was his choice, I was not going to pressure one way or the other. I thought I was doing the right thing as well as ensuring our other friends that we were on at least decent terms, no drama to poison the well or the other friendships we had. And for a period of time, that's the way it was, he'd reach out to me on occasion and we chat briefly, send a funny meme here and there. My mom (who had met him) would always ask how he was or if I had heard from him; "I only know what he tells me." I could see how much he was hurting and I didn't want to push him to tell me things he wasn't ready to or act like I was entitled to know. For a period of time, it seemed like it was ok, I had no expectations of him, I never reached out to him  for anything (only responded when he reached out to me), I was moving on with my own life and at the very least, I could say he was a good person to me and be thankful for the time we had together. 

One of the last things we had discussed during the breakup was "How are we going to breach this topic with our best friends (college friend and then-fiancé)?" and he said that he wasn't ready to talk to them just yet which I understood as he was literally figuring out his new life-plan and I told him "Take the time you need, I know you've been friends with them since 11 and you should do it when you're ready. It's not my place to spill the beans about your family." Maybe it was a mistake on my part to allow him that freedom given that half of the breakup was mine, but because it was his family situation I didn't feel right being the one to say "We broke up because of X." The one thing I asked was for him to tell me when he did; I talk to my best friend every other day and I wanted to be careful not to accidentally spill the beans and in two months out from the break up, she never brought it up with me or any of our other friends and when I asked him, he said that he hadn't brought it up yet while still figuring out his next move. I believed that if she knew we broke up, no matter what reason, that she would've asked me how I was doing/feeling, so at this point I really believed as did my other close friends that she and her fiancé didn't know anything. Part of me was even afraid that he would wait till before he moved away to tell them because sadly I could see him doing that, in his own way believing that it would be less of a burden on others. As it turns out, not only were they aware of the breakup but also knew the full reasoning, his situation, etc. shortly after it happened. I was extremely confused; why did he lie, why did she never check in with me? In her case I could understand not wanting to be in the middle which if it were me I wouldn't want it either, but it did hurt me that she never once asked if I was ok when she knew I loved this person. I don't know if by how he told them that he indicated that I wanted to be left alone or that I was so understanding of everything or really none of those things and she just didn't think she had to or should, but it was strange to me and it took me asking her what she knew to get any of that. As for him, I never wanted to let go of someone so quickly in my life after I reached out to him to ask him what was going on.

The immediate reaction I got was various forms of gaslighting: "I can't keep doing this with you anymore," "I told them because they know what family means to me," "I'm sorry for being such a terrible human being for breaking your heart," "Maybe that's what you heard, but that's not what I said," "I can't keep apologizing for the same thing over and over again," "I want to be friends, but now I'm worried about you," "Please just let me focus on my family," etc. I thought to myself ".......where the hell did all of this come from?" I took my time responding because I knew I was no longer talking to someone who was listening, understanding and caring about what I was saying despite saying otherwise. So I told him along the lines, "You don't ever have to hear from me again if you don't want to, but I will tell you you're absolutely wrong. You're treating me like I'm hounding you, like a stalker ex with a screw loose when all I'm asking is for clarification, over something that is currently affecting my communication and friendship with another person. You saying you're sorry for being terrible or awful may stem from real guilt on your end, but that's a gaslighting tactic and it's unhealthy if you truly believe it and it's purposefully manipulative if you don't. I always admired your commitment to family, so why are you insinuating that I don't know how much it means to you or that I'm trying to take your focus away? You're in a terrible situation and I don't wish that on anyone, but a shitty situation doesn't excuse shitty behavior." And even then, I still wanted to be on good terms with him, I didn't want it to affect my friendship and I knew he was suffering a lot. He apologized pretty quickly, saying that I was right and asking what it would take to rebuild trust again and if we could move forward from it all. I agreed, but ever since I've kept my guard up and even worse, while I never spoke about him to anyone, he had met up once with a mutual friend and said how our relationship "was only suppose to be a causal fling at first" and admitted to feeling like he was "performing" the role of a boyfriend. More and more in the last few months I hear snippets from others that lessen who I thought he was and what we had and still having to be cordial because obviously his life situation was worse than mine and not wanting to be the "dramatic ex" who ruins friendships. I refrained from ever discussing more with my best friend because I didn't want to deal with the very possible reality that I wouldn't be believed or I would be penalize for speaking about him in any negative way. I know that would say more about her if it were true, but I do care about her more than any confliction with him or any man for that matter; all my life I never wanted to be put or have someone else be stuck in the middle because of me nor be a center of gossip or whispers, but it doesn't feel like I can escape. 

Her wedding was this weekend and he was the best man; up until the week prior I never gave another thought about it or his presence there because I was focused on her having the best long-awaited day. The entire week I was not feeling well, both nerves and regular digestive issues, but I was excited for it and to hang out with all my friends and make new ones (which I did, people are awesome). I didn't interact with him, talk about him, etc. and I had to leave early due to my stomach issues, but all in all a beautiful wedding and great time with everyone. The next morning one of my other friends gets a message from the bride asking if I was cussing my ex out in the bathroom and we all looked at each other like we had three heads. A girl at another table (someone who I knew from college same as the bride) told her that I was cussing him out while he was giving the best man speech and all of my other friends were like "No, we were with you the whole night and even in the bathroom when you weren't feeling well, you didn't say anything about him let alone talk s***." I just feel like no matter what I do, I still get backlash and I don't give any shits what others have to say about me, but I do care if the friendships I have are getting affected. All I wanted was to celebrate my best friend's happiness, hold my head up high and be done with the BS. I don't want to pretend to be friends with someone who doesn't respect me, I don't want friends of friends talking about me like they know what's up and I know I can't necessarily avoid my name in others' mouths, but at this point I've been out of the relationship almost as long as I was in it and I'm moving on with a new job I love, getting back into dating  and focusing my energy where I need to (including this brain dump here that I hope to never visit again). In some ways I feel sorry for him, for his family and the what's going on, but also for the way he is and how he conducts himself. It's easier to let go of the image of someone when you accept it wasn't really there to begin with, but it's also depressing that what was real for me maybe wasn't for him and that's just the way it is. There is still part of me that wishes him well, but there is no part of me that wishes I was with him now. I know all of this is just my side of a story, hell maybe I'm wrong or overthinking everything too much, and I'm not necessarily looking for specific advice, but it does feel better, even for just one moment, to let go of everything in my head and leave it somewhere else. I don't know what happens next, if anything; I just feel the ache of wanting so desperately to cut off a dead branch and leave the weight of it behind.  

 

 

[glows]

You did the right thing keeping your own counsel. Not enough people do that. It was also good of you to go to your friend’s wedding and not let your ex get the better of you. 

It’s time to let go for good. Sending you strength and peace.

[spiritedaway2003]

I am also not sure if your best friend is really your best friend.  You may want to revisit that.  A best friend would check in with you to at least hear your side of the story instead of listening to other gossips and perpetuating it.  

She doesn’t need to know about your relationship with your ex.  She also lied and used you if she had convinced you that he was out for a relationship when he was looking for a fling, but it was something you had to verify for yourself (there are no guarantees in any relationship). It almost sounds like your friend and her husband are closer in friendships with your ex than they are with you, and had chosen sides for whatever reasons (and make it out to sound like you are the crazy ex). If I were you, I’d cut out the relationship with the ex and your “best friend”.  Your world doesn’t revolve around your ex anymore. Life’s too short for so much drama, and they would only hold you back if you are truly ready to “move forward”.

You also don’t need to remain in contact with your ex or keep in touch as a friend. Since he was the one who initiated the breakup, he knows what he wants and what he’s doing.  One of saddest things I find, with most romantic relationships, is that once it’s over, you can’t usually can’t just transition back into friendship…and in the more rare cases, until at least a period of time.  It really doesn’t matter if you care about him. I haven’t made up my mind on NC (generally), but in this case, it might do you well to go NC given the drama.

Edited November 2, 2021 by spiritedaway2003