Feeling like I don't fit in

[alsudduth]

I've been feeling recently like I don't fit in with my family. When I say family, I mean my husband and kids.  I feel as though I am so different from them in personality that I have no one to relate to at home. It feels really lonely and at times I feel like I'm just here to be the butt of their jokes or someone to take care of their needs. 

I am not really looking for advice, but wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way? I am sure my husband and kids want me here, but I struggle to understand why they would as they don't seem to respect me very much. 

[vla1120]

There was a period of time in my marriage when my girls were younger that my husband would enlist their help in making fun of me. It was suppopsedly all in good fun (though it was sometimes hurtful), but then he started trying to get him on their side during conflict when they were a little older. It worked sometime because I would not talk to them about our issues, or tell them all the horrible things their father had said and done to me, so in their undeveloped minds, he was able to make me out to be the villain. I divorced him 8 years ago. Now, he doesn't even have a relationship with our daughters. They know who they can depend on (me) and who is nowhere to be found then they need him. 

Is this what you are talking about? Also, if they are being disrespectful to you, turn the tables on them - as I did from time to time. "Oh, you think I'm worthless? Watch me not do ANYTHING for you for the next 2-3 days. You need laundry done? Do it yourself. You need a ride to dance or soccer? Ask your father. You want dinner? Ask your dad." If you allow them to disrespect you, they will continue to do so. Put your foot down and tell them you expect respect.

Also, your husband should be setting the example for your children. How is your marriage otherwise? Do you think talking to a marriage counselor would help? 

[glows]

Yes, only respond to the treatment you feel you deserve. Ignore the rest or don't cater to the other kinds of abuse or low brow entertainment on your behalf. I'm sorry you're struggling like this and hope things turn around. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, alsudduth said:

 It feels really lonely and at times I feel like I'm just here to be the butt of their jokes or someone to take care of their needs. 

Go out more. Join some clubs and groups. Get involved in fitness and sports.  Reconnect to friends and family. Volunteer. Get a side job.

You're in a  mom/wife grind.  Lost yourself.  Turned yourself into furniture. You have to shake it up.

Get out of a rut. stop acting like a servant. Get your kids/husband more involved. Delegate. Chores, errands, shopping, cooking, etc.

Do not accept disrespect regarding "butt of their jokes". Speak out there and then that you won't stand for that. Insist on respect.

 Develop age appropriate rapport with each kid separately. Plan date nights with your husband.

Edited November 1, 2021 by Wiseman2

[alsudduth]

Thanks for the responses.  This last year has been really difficult. I have HAD to be on Mom/Wife mode with little break due to my daughter being suicidal and having had to spend time in a stabilization hospital as well as a longer term residential treatment facility for her mental health.  At the time most of this was happening my husband was working away from the home. He told me he didn't think the situation was as serious with our daughter as I made it out to be.  So it was really left up to me to organize all the treatment, etc.   He has since quit his job and come home, and has been more involved and supportive in that, but after being the main point person to manage it all, it is difficult to pull back.   

You are all right though, I should speak up more when I feel disrespected (Like after telling them more than once that I don't appreciate mean spirited humor at my expense) and I do need to just  spend more time pulling myself back and doing more for myself now that my daughter is learning to be more mentally stable. 

[glows]

Hugs.