Living apart together (LAT)

[FMW]

I was curious about views on LAT.  In a previous thread of mine I stated I had no desire to live together or get married again, however I'm in a two year relationship that I have no plans to end.  One poster indicated a view that my relationship would never mature or advance from what it is now because of my choice.  That particular issue had nothing to do with the topic of the thread, so I didn't pursue that tangent.  But something I read today reminded me of it and I'm curious.

I was married 23 years and lived together.  I didn't find either of those things in themselves to add to the growth or quality of the relationship.  

My current relationship continues to steadily grow and deepen without cohabitation or legal binding.  We're both happy with things as they are, so that's all that matters.  But I'm still curious about other views.

Thoughts?

[Happy Lemming]

My girlfriend and I had no desire to live together after 9+ years.  It was only the HUGE increase in rental rates that forced her to move into my home.  Being on a fixed income and retired, there was no way she could absorb the latest increase that was presented to her this past September. 

Although we have settled into a routine (and are doing OK), our relationship is no better or worse since she moved in. 

At the end of the day, she would have preferred to keep her apartment.  Truth be told, I also wished she could have been able to keep her apartment.

As far as marriage, neither of us want that.  After her divorce, she said "Never Again".  I've never been married and never wanted to get married, so "getting married" has never been an issue.

[glows]

I just bought a home not long ago so this is where I'd like to stay for awhile. Married and divorced once. My current partner has never been married. We are both homeowners and prefer dating or visiting each other. I was transparent about this early on and we agree.

I don't see why this would matter unless there are children involved or a couple would like to have children. I have read about couples raising children, married to each other, in different homes. I don't think I could do that.

I would be happy like this indefinitely but who knows what the future will bring. 

[Alpacalia]

I don't understand how this differs from those couples who choose not to marry.

If it works for both of you and you're both happy and love each other, you don't have to live in the same house to show your unity.

So long as you're both clear about why you want to live apart and neither of you is agreeing to it just to solely please the other.

Edited November 2, 2021 by Alpaca

[FMW]

Thanks for the responses.

A few articles I read yesterday (after stumbling across one I Googled and found similar ones) on the subject presented it as an inferior relationship choice, something only done for selfish reasons or by people who wouldn't truly commit.  Since the comment on my previous thread also had a negative view, I was curious how prevalent that assessment was.

I don't make life choices based on popular vote, but it did make me stop and think.

[glows]

I'm a bit circumspect of any need on the part of someone to live with another person but I can see that it may be a curiosity or a strong desire for others who haven't experienced it before. It depends on the couple and where they're at in life, I should think.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, FMW said:

 I had no desire to live together or get married again, however I'm in a two year relationship that I have no plans to end.  One poster indicated a view that my relationship would never mature 

Living together is not a next step or advancement. If you can afford two homes... go for it.

It's not as if you're young adults living with parents who need to "mature and advance"

Do what's right for you personally. It's that simple.

 

[mark clemson]

I think there is a certain type/personality where this sort of thing makes sense. I don't think it's necessarily selfish, but more what these folks feel most comfortable with. I think if ONLY ONE of a couple is this way and that one person makes LAT a "requirement" then perhaps it's selfish. But - is it selfish to insist on living together when one person genuinely doesn't enjoy that? Think that is a fair question/counter-point. At any rate I would imagine it works best when it's something both are genuinely comfortable with long term.

There are perhaps those who refuse to move in together in order to avoid committing and/or to make breaking things off easier (and presumably plan to if that's the case). THAT would perhaps be seen as selfish, but I suspect a true LAT person would say THAT isn't genuinely LAT.

Edited November 3, 2021 by mark clemson

[vla1120]

I just bought my house, so when/if I do start dating someone, I will have no intention of moving out of my home. I've been married twice and I won't try that again, either. Cohabitation did not work out so well for me. I like my space and privacy. I'm hoping if I do date again some day, my dating partner will feel the same. I won't mind spending time at his place, and wouldn't mind if he spends time at mine, but cohabitation is probably out of the question, at least for now (that is, if I ever date again....)

[Pumpernickel]

2 hours ago, vla1120 said:

I will have no intention of moving out of my home.

Same 

2 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Cohabitation did not work out so well for me

Same 

Which is why I’ll probably never seriously date ever again …. 

I think LAT is generally easier for women. 
 

@FMWI am curious, do you think your male (?) Partner could be ok with that long-term? 

[FMW]

2 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

do you think your male (?) Partner could be ok with that long-term? 

I believe so, especially the not getting married part.  He's never said anything that made me think otherwise.  But we've only been together a few years now.  FWIW, I am serious about him, and he's brought me into his family and closest group of friends.  

Immediately after his wife's death three years ago he bought and moved into a small bungalow.  He loves the place and says it was what he always really wanted and it's where he plans to live until he dies or "goes into the (nursing) home".  I just rejoined the world of home ownership back in the summer and have no plans of moving again any time soon.   We have keys to each others' homes and spend three or four overnights a week together.  He did tell me recently that if I ever needed a place to live I could move in with him.  I'm not sure why he said that but I don't think it meant that was what he was hoping for.  I think he was simply expressing his commitment to being there for me.

My mother always says never say never, and I've lived long enough to know that's good advice.  If he needs my assistance either in living together or marrying (for health care/insurance purposes, for example), or if for some reason he just decided it was a deal breaker,  I would give it serious consideration.  But at the moment things seem to be going just fine.

Right now he's performing in Europe (he's a musician, we live in the US) and will be gone for a few more weeks.  I've been spending time at his home (at his request) organizing  and  putting things back in order from all the things he kept from the very large home he owned with his late wife.  He sold it last year but there are still a lot of things that have yet to be incorporated into his small home.  It was stressing him out which in turn stressed me out.  He said he wanted it to "feel like a home" and has always been really vocal about liking little things I've done before.   So obviously he does like the perks of having at least a part time domestic partner.  And he has helped me with a LOT of things I've done around my new house.  I'm certainly appreciative of that.

I certainly don't see us as selfish or unwilling to commit.  The tone of the articles I read rankled with me, obviously.  I'm pleased that not everyone sees the choices in that way   

 

[Els]

It's not for me long-term (I'm OK with it if it was needed temporarily for some reason), but I don't get people who throw judgement on it either. IMO at the end of the day, if both people are happy and fulfilled and consider themselves in a committed relationship (and there is no deceit going on anywhere), then they ARE in a happy committed relationship, and that's all that matters. Regardless of whether they are married or unmarried, living apart or living together, or heck even living in a different city.

[Veronica73]

I’ve only lived with 2 men I’ve been in relationships with. So I’m not going to say I know this for sure…..but I’m leaning towards thinking that the ideal situation for me is if me and my partner lived in a duplex, or a two flat. So we have our separate spaces, but we are still together and committed and close to each other. Next door to each other would be nice as well.

Edited November 6, 2021 by Veronica73

[Weezy1973]

There are pros and cons to everything. There are conflicts that naturally happen from living together and those are avoided. But the teamwork and compromise to overcome those conflicts also is missed. So perhaps the main pro is avoiding living together conflict, and main con is less intimacy?