My girlfriend got upset that I was upset she cancelled our anniversary dinner

November 2, 2021

Preface to this, my gf and I will be going on three years tomorrow. Things have been good, if not great between us aside from the rare fight here and there. We’re both 23z

My gf and I have a weekend getaway set up in the next few weeks in addition to the dinner we had planned for tomorrow, and today she texted me telling she felt a cold coming on (she had just gotten over one last week), and didn’t want to see each other tomorrow and save our celebrations for two weeks from now. I was really hurt by this, but said if she’s sick then it wouldn’t be a problem at the end of it. She asked if I was upset, and I told her I was upset on a 6/10 level because I had organized everything on my end to be a good day for us (booked it off, ensured I had my car available, etc.). I was also upset because I already told my family I was going out for my anniversary, and was incredibly embarrassed to tell them I wasn’t going to go out anymore. The reason this is so embarrassing is because my gf, short fo a major celebration, refuses to come to my place. My family has been nothing but kind to her, but she’s scared of them disapproving of her, which, ironically, has led to them not liking her for never visiting. I’m embarrassed because telling my family my gf cancelled our anniversary dinner surely wouldn’t help the issue (my gf doesn’t know about this, obviously). That said, I told my gf not to be too sad about it, and that I’d get over it.

When I told my gf this, she started saying how she was so stressed already because of school, we have the trip, etc. All as reasons why I shouldn’t be mad, and I told her I knew it wasn’t personal and was more mad at the situation then I was at her. what I didn’t mention to her, but part of my anger is that she’s always very avoidant during this time of the year. In our first year she had a full on breakdown before our anniversary (over Halloween costumes), and last year just after our anniversary she told me she couldn’t see me for three or four weeks because of school. These stuck with me, and definitely added to my discomfort with the whole situation.

She said I was being passive aggressive, and I explained that I wasn’t, I was just upset about the situation. I feel an actual anniversary day should be special, and her cancelling made me feel as if she didn’t care about the sentiment. I told her I didn’t want to stress her more, and that she should just focus on getting better, and essentially had to calm her down even though I feel I have every right to be upset about this, and am even more upset about this after I feel she tried to make me feel stupid for being mad. I kind of just want your takes on this/advice, as I’m still incredibly bothered by the whole thing.

November 2, 2021

From what you've written, I'm not certain if she's as into this relationship as you are. I think that's incredibly thoughtful of you to organize something for the anniversary but perhaps it's also putting a lot of pressure on the relationship, unwittingly. I'm assuming your "anniversary" is the date you both decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm only familiar with anniversaries in marriages. I suspect it's not about disappointing your parents or family. She doesn't want to meet them just yet because she's not sure if she wants or sees a future with you.

November 2, 2021

Just now, glows said:

From what you've written, I'm not certain if she's as into this relationship as you are. I think that's incredibly thoughtful of you to organize something for the anniversary but perhaps it's also putting a lot of pressure on the relationship, unwittingly. I'm assuming your "anniversary" is the date you both decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm only familiar with anniversaries in marriages. I suspect it's not about disappointing your parents or family. She doesn't want to meet them just yet because she's not sure if she wants or sees a future with you.

She’s met my family, but just won’t do so on a random day. She sees them on holidays, but is apprehensive to just come over on a given night

November 2, 2021

While I can't speak for your girlfriend, when I've got a cold coming on, I feel like hell and just want to dose up with meds and rest. And because I'm sick, any food I eat would taste horrible, so I'd certainly postpone a special event. Also, if she's got the start of a cold, she'd be most contagious. Taking it further, where I live, if one feels like they are coming down with something, they are expected to isolate and get COVID tested. Not go to a restaurant or to someone else's house. Her actions are just commonsense. While you are disappointed, it's unreasonable for you to be upset. Getting sick with bad timing is not a deliberate slight on you. It happens to us all.

That said, I understand you feeling frustrated about her not coming to your house. And angry about her putting you second when she's busy at school. This makes me think that your anger over he feeling ill is the result of festering issues about the issues between her and your family.

It sounds like she's a high achiever at college and this explains her making school a priority when it gets very busy. What does your girlfriend say about your parents?

Edited November 2, 2021 by basil67

November 2, 2021

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

While I can't speak for your girlfriend, when I've got a cold coming on, I feel like hell and just want to dose up with meds and rest. And because I'm sick, an food I eat would taste horrible, so I'd certainly postpone a special event. Also, if she's got the start of a cold, she'd be most contagious. Taking it further, where I live, if one feels like they are coming down with something, they are expected to isolate and get COVID tested. Not go to a restaurant or to someone else's house. Her actions are just commonsense. While you are disappointed, it's unreasonable for you to be upset. Getting sick with bad timing is not a deliberate slight on you. It happens to us all.

That said, I understand you feeling frustrated about her not coming to your house. And angry about her putting you second when she's busy at school. This makes me think that your anger over he feeling ill is the result of festering issues about the issues between her and your family.

It sounds like she's a high achiever at college and this explains her making school a priority when it gets very busy. What does your girlfriend say about your parents?

She won’t get COVID tested though. She intends to go to school tomorrow and present to her classmates, even if she feels sick (in fairness, it’s mandatory). My anger stems from her always being odd at some point or another in October/November, and this just felt like the version of it for this year. Something like this happens every year, and it does get me upset.

I can fully acknowledge that this is on me, but part of it also stems from how last year, I spent our anniversary at school (studying firefighting) at a fireground doing intense work for a full day, and still made it on time to see her that night, even if I felt tired and burnt out similar to how she feels today. I get that that’s on me though.

she says she’s afraid to visit because she doesn’t want to be judged by my family, despite them being incredibly kind to her every time she has come (during holidays mainly). She says she feels too much pressure to impress around my family.

November 2, 2021

1 hour ago, Yellayumpa said:

My anger stems from her always being odd at some point or another in October/November, and this just felt like the version of it for this year. Something like this happens every year, and it does get me upset.

Yes, exactly. She's right to cancel if she thinks she's getting ill - how could she enjoy the evening if she's got a throbbing head and feels like rubbish?. So your anger stems not from her having a legitimate reason, but from past, unresolved history.

Quote

she says she’s afraid to visit because she doesn’t want to be judged by my family, despite them being incredibly kind to her every time she has come (during holidays mainly). She says she feels too much pressure to impress around my family.

I think you mean that they were incredibly kind to her. But you said that they don't like her now because she didn't visit enough so she's right about being judged. Thing is though, she did come for family events. Was this not enough for them?

Do you live with your parents?

Edited November 2, 2021 by basil67

November 2, 2021

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, exactly. She's right to cancel if she thinks she's getting ill - how could she enjoy the evening if she's got a throbbing head and feels like rubbish?. So your anger stems not from her having a legitimate reason, but from past, unresolved history.

I think you mean that they were incredibly kind to her. But you said that they don't like her now because she didn't visit enough so she's right about being judged. Thing is though, she did come for family events. Was this not enough for them?

Do you live with your parents?

To be frank, yes this absolutely heightened my anxiety over past events that were similar and took place around our anniversary. It’s like I’m waiting for her to do it every year and in one way or another it happens. Like I said, I’m Mad at the situation and not her.

we both live with our parents, and I frequently spend time around her family or at her house. My parents feel as if she should to come to big family events, but want to get to know her better as well. They’re confused as to why she won’t casually visit our house under any circumstances despite me doing the reverse frequently. They judge her for not visiting, not because they don’t like her as a person, and I have never expressed this to her in any way, shape or form.

November 2, 2021

4 hours ago, Yellayumpa said:

what I didn’t mention to her, but part of my anger is that she’s always very avoidant during this time of the year. In our first year she had a full on breakdown before our anniversary (over Halloween costumes), and last year just after our anniversary she told me she couldn’t see me for three or four weeks because of school. These stuck with me, and definitely added to my discomfort with the whole situation.

3 hours ago, Yellayumpa said:

My anger stems from her always being odd at some point or another in October/November, and this just felt like the version of it for this year. Something like this happens every year, and it does get me upset.

No, I understand your disappointment. Your title, on the other hand, misses the wider picture.

Even the most idyllic wishes in any close relationship can be dashed by unexpected circumstances.

However, I think that if your relationship wasn't already strained, the issue would be less of a concern.

She appears to be overwhelmed on a regular basis and is looking for strategies to avoid it.

You say she is afraid of your family's disapproval or judgment. Do you have a different cultural background? What is their attitude towards her? Is it possible that they are too overbearing or critical? Do you have any idea why this time of year is so challenging for her aside from school?

She's also 23, is this her first long-term relationship?

Edited November 2, 2021 by Alpaca

November 2, 2021

It makes no sense that you're mad at the situation and not her. After all, it's her decision which created the situation you don't like. If you were understanding of her position, you shouldn't be mad.

Straight at the start of this, you said that your parents don't like her because she doesn't visit. And now things are bad with your parents that you're worried about telling them that she's cancelled because she's sick. There's more to this than meets the eye.

November 2, 2021

1 hour ago, Yellayumpa said:

Like I said, I’m Mad at the situation and not her.

This never makes any sense to me. I always read such a statement as "I am mad at the person but don't want to admit it for fear of rocking the boat and losing them."

The situation (her getting distant around your anniversary) exists because of her. It's not a separate event created by external factors. I am not saying it's entirely her fault, as there may be other things you or your family do that contribute to her avoiding all of you, but her behaviour directly influences this. So, you might as well be honest with yourself about that. You are mad at her.

You are going to have to address that, as it's contributing to the mess you're in now. You sound avoidant too, and afraid of being honest about your feelings. So you dress them up (as being mad at "the situation") rather than discussing what is really bothering you: the fact that she keeps her distance from your family, and seems to pull away around your anniversary every year. You two have a lot of talking to do, as your current frustration and resentment with each other is not just down to this one incident.

This year, I can understand why she wouldn't want to go away if she is sick. But the fact that she's still going to school and potentially exposing her classmates to whatever she has got and she refuses to get Covid-tested is plain foolish.

November 2, 2021

If she's sick ,she's sick. I don't feel you have anything to be mad at her about. It's just bad timing .. As far as the family. did she have a bad experience there that you don't know about? Something is seriously bugging her .

November 2, 2021

2 hours ago, Yellayumpa said:

. They judge her for not visiting, not because they don’t like her as a person, and I have never expressed this to her in any way, shape or form.

Your GF is being reasonable if she needs to postpone the celebration because of illness.

The real issue is your parents and their micromanaging your relationship at age 23. Stand up for yourself.

At some point you'll have to either continue to kowtow to your parents demands or decide who you want to date.

You're creating an "us vs. you" situation by siding with your parents against her.

It's seems like you may be incompatible if you are very close knit with your family and they are judgemental about who you date.

The issue is pressure from your family, not your GF getting Ill and postponing.

Edited November 2, 2021 by Wiseman2

November 2, 2021

I think there is something between your parents and her that you are trying to rugsweep. You said that she spends special events and holidays with them, but they judge her for not just hanging out on random days? Is that correct? That makes no sense. When I was 23 my parents were not asking to see more of my SO, holidays are fine.

Be honest- is there a specific legitimate reason she doesn't want to spend more time with your family? I just get the impression that there is, but you can't draw real boundaries with your family, so you just pressure your girlfriend.

And I do think you are putting too much pressure on her. I'm sure she knew how you would react to the cancellation and dreaded telling you.

November 2, 2021

Eh, I'm on her side here. Firstly, I think postponing due to feeling ill is perfectly reasonable, but I think you agree with that.

There's a big unresolved issue here though re: a disconnect between her expectations, your parents', and yours. Personally, I don't know about you, but when I am dating someone, I am dating them, not their parents. I can understand being expected to attend big events and occasions, but I have no desire to hang out with my SO's parents on a regular basis (i.e. weekly), and we're married. If I was expected to on a permanent basis, that would be a dealbreaker for me. I imagine that would be somewhat difficult if both people are living with their parents though, since it introduces a situation where you would be understandably annoyed that you are constantly having to commute to see her and not vice versa.

So, perhaps both of you are incompatible in that aspect.

November 2, 2021

You mentioned that she's always "avoidant" at this time of year. Meaning, for the last two years, she has created distance from you/picked a fight with you around your anniversary? (What was the issue with the Halloween costumes?)

Since an anniversary can be a time of reckoning for a relationship - a reminder of just how long you've been together - I can think of two reasons why it might trigger that kind of behavior: 1) she's worried that your relationship is not moving fast enough; 2) she's worried it's moving too fast (eg that you might propose). Hard to tell from what you wrote which one it might be for her. But if there was a dust-up over Halloween costumes, I wonder if she felt they weren't couply enough or coordinated enough, which suggests she wants more. Was that it?

Her insecurity over how to relate to your family might be linked to that as well in some way. But honestly, it's hard to tell what might be going on without a little more info.

Edited November 2, 2021 by serial muse

November 2, 2021

5 hours ago, Alpaca said:

No, I understand your disappointment. Your title, on the other hand, misses the wider picture.

Even the most idyllic wishes in any close relationship can be dashed by unexpected circumstances.

However, I think that if your relationship wasn't already strained, the issue would be less of a concern.

She appears to be overwhelmed on a regular basis and is looking for strategies to avoid it.

You say she is afraid of your family's disapproval or judgment. Do you have a different cultural background? What is their attitude towards her? Is it possible that they are too overbearing or critical? Do you have any idea why this time of year is so challenging for her aside from school?

She's also 23, is this her first long-term relationship?

She does get overly stressed very easily, and doesn’t let me know if she is. It feels like I’m walking into a minefield every time I’m upset about something.

her family dynamic is a little bit more hostile than mine, but no we’re of the same background. My parents are critical, but privately. They are very kind to her, and my mother, for example, wants to give my gf all of her supplies for work once my gf graduates and gets to work in her field. My parents just don’t like my gf because she doesn’t casually come over, and doesn’t drive, as they feel They see me do too much work in the relationship. I’ve told them I’m happy to drive, but they have an opinion and stuck to it.
She’s had boyfriends before us but this is her first longer relationship

November 2, 2021

1 hour ago, serial muse said:

You mentioned that she's always "avoidant" at this time of year. Meaning, for the last two years, she has created distance from you/picked a fight with you around your anniversary? (What was the issue with the Halloween costumes?)

Since an anniversary can be a time of reckoning for a relationship - a reminder of just how long you've been together - I can think of two reasons why it might trigger that kind of behavior: 1) she's worried that your relationship is not moving fast enough; 2) she's worried it's moving too fast (eg that you might propose). Hard to tell from what you wrote which one it might be for her. But if there was a dust-up over Halloween costumes, I wonder if she felt they weren't couply enough or coordinated enough, which suggests she wants more. Was that it?

Her insecurity over how to relate to your family might be linked to that as well in some way. But honestly, it's hard to tell what might be going on without a little more info.

What info do you need?

the Halloween issue was her being livid and miserable she couldn’t find a good one in the mall. I tried taking her to three malls, and she just yelled at me telling me to take her home in public.

November 2, 2021

2 hours ago, Elswyth said:

Eh, I'm on her side here. Firstly, I think postponing due to feeling ill is perfectly reasonable, but I think you agree with that.

There's a big unresolved issue here though re: a disconnect between her expectations, your parents', and yours. Personally, I don't know about you, but when I am dating someone, I am dating them, not their parents. I can understand being expected to attend big events and occasions, but I have no desire to hang out with my SO's parents on a regular basis (i.e. weekly), and we're married. If I was expected to on a permanent basis, that would be a dealbreaker for me. I imagine that would be somewhat difficult if both people are living with their parents though, since it introduces a situation where you would be understandably annoyed that you are constantly having to commute to see her and not vice versa.

So, perhaps both of you are incompatible in that aspect.

It’s not like *that*. My parents don’t want her to check in with them or anything, but a lot of the time I’ll go over to her house to hang out while her family is home, and she just won’t do the same thing with me, which is why they’re so confused and uneasy. They don’t get why she won’t casually hang out at our house as well

November 2, 2021

4 hours ago, ajequals said:

If she's sick ,she's sick. I don't feel you have anything to be mad at her about. It's just bad timing .. As far as the family. did she have a bad experience there that you don't know about? Something is seriously bugging her .

If i don’t know about it, I can’t tell you about it haha.

seriously though, no there hasn’t been one. My gf just won’t hang out at our place because she’s nervous my parents won’t like her, but they’ve never given any indication they feel that way to her

November 2, 2021

2 hours ago, IrinaM said:

I think there is something between your parents and her that you are trying to rugsweep. You said that she spends special events and holidays with them, but they judge her for not just hanging out on random days? Is that correct? That makes no sense. When I was 23 my parents were not asking to see more of my SO, holidays are fine.

Be honest- is there a specific legitimate reason she doesn't want to spend more time with your family? I just get the impression that there is, but you can't draw real boundaries with your family, so you just pressure your girlfriend.

And I do think you are putting too much pressure on her. I'm sure she knew how you would react to the cancellation and dreaded telling you.

The specific reason is she gets nervous about being around my family as she feels some sort of pressure to please them, which makes no sense to me since they don’t care about how she’ll dress or act in the house at all. They just find it weird she won’t hang out at our house, yet has me over at hers at least once a week, and I agree with it. I haven’t pushed her on it though, and won’t. It is odd.

November 2, 2021

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your GF is being reasonable if she needs to postpone the celebration because of illness.

The real issue is your parents and their micromanaging your relationship at age 23. Stand up for yourself.

At some point you'll have to either continue to kowtow to your parents demands or decide who you want to date.

You're creating an "us vs. you" situation by siding with your parents against her.

It's seems like you may be incompatible if you are very close knit with your family and they are judgemental about who you date.

The issue is pressure from your family, not your GF getting Ill and postponing.

They haven’t told me to not date her, they just have a bad impression for a few reasons, one being her unwillingness to hang out at our house as well. I drive all the time in our relationship, pay for our dates, plan them too. They feel I do to much in the relationship, but haven’t ever told me to leave her or anything. I’ve already expressed to them they don’t have a say in who I date, but obviously things wear on you when you keep hearing them, and I think this is a case of that.

also, this isn’t just for you, but I said to her having to backtrack to my family was a small part of my being upset. The focus on my family is staggering, as it’s only a small part of it

November 2, 2021

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This never makes any sense to me. I always read such a statement as "I am mad at the person but don't want to admit it for fear of rocking the boat and losing them."

The situation (her getting distant around your anniversary) exists because of her. It's not a separate event created by external factors. I am not saying it's entirely her fault, as there may be other things you or your family do that contribute to her avoiding all of you, but her behaviour directly influences this. So, you might as well be honest with yourself about that. You are mad at her.

You are going to have to address that, as it's contributing to the mess you're in now. You sound avoidant too, and afraid of being honest about your feelings. So you dress them up (as being mad at "the situation") rather than discussing what is really bothering you: the fact that she keeps her distance from your family, and seems to pull away around your anniversary every year. You two have a lot of talking to do, as your current frustration and resentment with each other is not just down to this one incident.

This year, I can understand why she wouldn't want to go away if she is sick. But the fact that she's still going to school and potentially exposing her classmates to whatever she has got and she refuses to get Covid-tested is plain foolish.

Have you never been mad at something that’s really inconvenienced you? That’s how I felt. It doesn’t have to be personal, and it wasn’t here.

Her getting distant this time of year is really annoying, and usually I am avoidant. I usually don’t speak up on things like this, for example my gf made plans with me to zoom a few weeks ago since we cancelled our formal date, and when I asked her to come on, she said zoom plans aren’t real plans and had to do homework instead of cancelling on me. I didn’t make a fuss about that, and wasn’t going to here either, but she asked if I was upset and I was honest with her.

im not too mad about the family thing. If I was I wouldn’t be with her after three years. My family gets no say in who i date, it’s just an additional headache that I have to deal with

November 2, 2021

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

It makes no sense that you're mad at the situation and not her. After all, it's her decision which created the situation you don't like. If you were understanding of her position, you shouldn't be mad.

Straight at the start of this, you said that your parents don't like her because she doesn't visit. And now things are bad with your parents that you're worried about telling them that she's cancelled because she's sick. There's more to this than meets the eye.

I’m mad because I took an unpaid vacation day from work, made sure I got the car today (meaning my sister gets it on the weekend since we have to share), have to cancel our reservation, etc. Those aren’t her fault at all, but are very frustrating to me and why I’m upset at the situation, not her. Being sick is legitimate obviously. I have a football game tonight, so it’s not like my day is ruined or anything. Between her getting weird this time of year and me being inconvenienced I was upset yesterday. I’m fine now, not even remotely upset, but was when she asked me if I was upset. I didn’t tell her I was upset, she asked me and the reasons aren’t her fault. Doesn’t mean I couldn’t still be upset about it at the time

November 2, 2021

10 hours ago, Yellayumpa said:

Preface to this, my gf and I will be going on three years tomorrow. Things have been good, if not great between us aside from the rare fight here and there. We’re both 23z

My gf and I have a weekend getaway set up in the next few weeks in addition to the dinner we had planned for tomorrow, and today she texted me telling she felt a cold coming on (she had just gotten over one last week), and didn’t want to see each other tomorrow and save our celebrations for two weeks from now. I was really hurt by this, but said if she’s sick then it wouldn’t be a problem at the end of it. She asked if I was upset, and I told her I was upset on a 6/10 level because I had organized everything on my end to be a good day for us (booked it off, ensured I had my car available, etc.). I was also upset because I already told my family I was going out for my anniversary, and was incredibly embarrassed to tell them I wasn’t going to go out anymore. The reason this is so embarrassing is because my gf, short fo a major celebration, refuses to come to my place. My family has been nothing but kind to her, but she’s scared of them disapproving of her, which, ironically, has led to them not liking her for never visiting. I’m embarrassed because telling my family my gf cancelled our anniversary dinner surely wouldn’t help the issue (my gf doesn’t know about this, obviously). That said, I told my gf not to be too sad about it, and that I’d get over it.

When I told my gf this, she started saying how she was so stressed already because of school, we have the trip, etc. All as reasons why I shouldn’t be mad, and I told her I knew it wasn’t personal and was more mad at the situation then I was at her. what I didn’t mention to her, but part of my anger is that she’s always very avoidant during this time of the year. In our first year she had a full on breakdown before our anniversary (over Halloween costumes), and last year just after our anniversary she told me she couldn’t see me for three or four weeks because of school. These stuck with me, and definitely added to my discomfort with the whole situation.

She said I was being passive aggressive, and I explained that I wasn’t, I was just upset about the situation. I feel an actual anniversary day should be special, and her cancelling made me feel as if she didn’t care about the sentiment. I told her I didn’t want to stress her more, and that she should just focus on getting better, and essentially had to calm her down even though I feel I have every right to be upset about this, and am even more upset about this after I feel she tried to make me feel stupid for being mad. I kind of just want your takes on this/advice, as I’m still incredibly bothered by the whole thing.

“What I didn’t mention to her but it part of my anger”

you're doing your relationship a real disservice by not communicating openly and honestly.
The fastest way build resentment towards a partner is harbouring an issue that is eating away at you.

I guess you’re scared to approach her about how you really feel for fear of her reaction to you, or rejection and then how she would look in your family’s eyes.
It sounds like you’re treading on eggshells somewhat, and that is just not healthy or good grounds to build a loving, trusting relationship.
Compromise, compassion and understanding has to come equally from both people. That includes being able to talk to your partner about issues that have come up and both be able to work through them. sounds to me like you BOTH have a few things to work on

November 2, 2021

27 minutes ago, Yellayumpa said:

My family gets no say in who i date, it’s just an additional headache that I have to deal with

Don't involve your family to this extreme in your love life. They shouldn't even be aware of all these tiffs and nuances.

You're poisoning them against her and you know it. End it, you're not compatible.

You seem quite resentful of your Gf on many levels from feeling you do too much to not being in lockstep with your family.

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