Not getting my stuff back today after all, how to respond?

[newheart]

Today was the day that I was picking up my belongings from XBF's house, while he was at work.  We've had no contact, I asked him to respect that when we broke up.  He just texted me that he didn't get my stuff ready, that it was ridiculous, that he would just bring it to me, that he didn't think it was a rush, he made a reference to an inside joke we have (that made me laugh actually and I hate that about him), and that he didn't answer my last text because he was hoping to talk in person (there was nothing to talk about, the last text was saying I'd email him during the week to tie up loose ends and schedule to pick up stuff).  And that he would let me know when he can drop it all off.

So in other words, leaving him with the ability to reach back out and in control of the situation. 

I don't want to leave this lingering, I can't, for my own peace of mind.  And before anyone says let the stuff go, I'm already losing money on a canceled vacation, I can't afford to replace my golf clubs and other large items, and I shouldn't have to. 

I don't want him to bring me the stuff and see him, and I don't want him to be there if I pick it up. I can't talk to him, I can't.  Talking does nothing, we've been "talking" about our issues for 4 out of our 6 years with no resolution.  I can't face him, because of course I love him, but I am in more pain in our relationship than I am out of it, at this point.  I explained to my BFF: it is worse being lonely sitting next to someone you love who doesn't want you the same way or can't give you what you need, than sitting alone at home. I can't get roped into giving it one more try. 

It's been two hours and I haven't replied.  Do I just drop another date and say have the stuff out there?  (and ignore the rest)  Do I let him drop it off, but give a date and not be home?  

 

 

[glows]

No, let him drop it off and be there to supervise. Be civil when you meet with him and thank him for your things. Don't engage in any other discussion about the relationship. Arrange for someone to be there with you, a close friend you trust for example, if you have a sense this might devolve or escalate quickly.

[stillafool]

Can you arrange for someone to be at your house to collect your golf clubs when he drops them off?  You can actually hire a cleaning person for that day to clean your house and be there to collect your stuff.  Another idea is to have them drop your gold clubs at your door and then text you that they are there and you can then open the door and get them.  These are the best solutions so you don't have to see your ex.  What do you think?

[newheart]

Thank you, both.  I am not worried about my stuff, where I live, if he drops it off near my garage or tucks it in my backyard, I am fine him leaving it while I am not home.  

I guess what bothers me is that now it is his call, I don't want to have to wait and see when he is coming and then make sure I am not home and have this hanging out there.  I want to be done with, and not worry about him even texting me about this. This is really hard for me, I still love him of course, and I don't want him to contact me.  I don't feel like he should get to call the shots on this, but maybe I am being irrational about it?  

 

[stillafool]

Stop worrying about who's "call" it is.  It doesn't matter at this point and I doubt he is delaying just to make a "power" move.  He's probably been busy and hasn't collected them as he said.  The only thing that matters at this point is getting your clubs back and moving on with your life with no details left.  Just text him for the new drop off date and time.  Have him drop them off while you're at work.

[glows]

16 minutes ago, newheart said:

I don't feel like he should get to call the shots on this, but maybe I am being irrational about it?  

Are you able to pick it up yourself and ask a trusted friend to come along for the ride? His attitude seems very cavalier and difficult to work with. I would want to be there if he's dropping it off and ensure all the items are there, or pick it up with a friend considering he doesn't seem very careful about your items or ensuring that they're out of his possession and safely back in your hands. 

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, newheart said:

He just texted me that he didn't get my stuff ready, that it was ridiculous, that he would just bring it to me,  leaving him with the ability to reach back out and in control of the situation. 

That's ok. Just reschedule and bring a friends to help. He does not have to "get it ready". You can take control by making it a mutually convenient time and tell him you are bringing friends with a truck..

Do Not do this one-on-one. Bring friends. In fact let him pick the time then be there with your people and 1-2-3 in-and-out. Done.

[newheart]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

Are you able to pick it up yourself and ask a trusted friend to come along for the ride? His attitude seems very cavalier and difficult to work with. I would want to be there if he's dropping it off and ensure all the items are there, or pick it up with a friend considering he doesn't seem very careful about your items or ensuring that they're out of his possession and safely back in your hands. 

Yes, he is going to make this difficult for me.  I could find someone to come with me, if we did a weekend pickup.  I had no problem picking up the items alone today because he was supposed to be at work, and he was going to leave them around the side of his house where I could get them.  But he's had ten day's notice to pull my golf clubs out of his garage and a few items from the basement, which in all honesty, will take 5 minutes.  Maybe 8, if he has to make two trips up and down stairs.  Then today, he didn't have time to put them outside.

So, I responded and said it was important to me to get this over with, and that he could drop them off at my house Wed or Fri, during my work day, or I could come pickup Monday while he was at work. I told him that I was sure one of these options would work.  He read it, hasn't replied.  So we will see what happens.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, newheart said:

Yes, he is going to make this difficult for me. 

 He can't. No one can keep your belongings. Tell him you'll bring a sheriff if he attempts to jerk you around more. But first. You need to make a a concerted effort do your end of things not wait for him to 'get things ready" or pick a time that he's not there or that's inconvenient for him.. In fact it's foolish to do it when he's not present because then come liability. 

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, newheart said:

So, I responded and said it was important to me to get this over with, and that he could drop them off at my house Wed or Fri, during my work day, or I could come pickup Monday while he was at work. I told him that I was sure one of these options would work.  He read it, hasn't replied.  So we will see what happens.

 

When did you send this message?

This is why everytime I've broken up with someone,  I take all my things with me when I go.

Edited November 2, 2021 by stillafool

[newheart]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

When did you send this message?

Just a little while before I posted, maybe 45 minutes ago now, why?  I expect he will answer at some point when he decides, but probably not today.

 

[newheart]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 He can't. No one can keep your belongings. Tell him you'll bring a sheriff if he attempts to jerk you around more. But first. You need to make a a concerted effort do your end of things not wait for him to 'get things ready" or pick a time that he's not there or that's inconvenient for him.. In fact it's foolish to do it when he's not present because then come liability. 

Thanks, Wiseman2.  I really don't expect it to get that bad, although I guess you never know. I had already thrown out the alternate dates so I will see what happens.  I didn't really think about liability, I mean, I can't imagine that it would come down to this. I don't want to make it difficult, anymore difficult than it already is.  Honestly if it came down to police, I would have to do without golf, kayaking or my belongings I guess.  

[newheart]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

When did you send this message?

This is why everytime I've broken up with someone,  I take all my things with me when I go.

Yeah, I get that, but we were actually on the phone for the final conversation/decision.  I have small things that I didn't bother asking for back, told him to throw anything else he found away.  I just want the large $$$ items that would be difficult or take a long time for me to replace.  Sigh. 

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, newheart said:

Just a little while before I posted, maybe 45 minutes ago now, why?  I expect he will answer at some point when he decides, but probably not today.

 

Well it hasn't even been an hour so I imagine he will get back to you with a date and time within the nex couple of days. Just try to relax until then.  What else can you do?

[newheart]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well it hasn't even been an hour so I imagine he will get back to you with a date and time within the nex couple of days. Just try to relax until then.  What else can you do?

See, this is what I was afraid of.

He replied that he would get stuff to me, etc. etc.  Then said:

Unrelated to that, I still think we should talk. I think it may help to hear what I have to say, regardless of the outcome.

And this is why, this is why I didn't want to even talk about anything with him because I am afraid of this.  And of course the logical answer is to say no, but then I torment myself the rest of my life wondering what the hell he was going to say.  Now what?  I am a crying mess again, there's really nothing he can say that "helps", helps what exactly!?  He can help me move on by stopping all contact, that's how he can help.  It's like heartbreak again. 

[glows]

Say that you'll need to think about it but be at your place as such and such time. You don't need to give him a yes or no. The objective is to receive or obtain your items. 

[flitzanu]

i don't need a magic 8 ball to tell you what he's going to say.

he's going to say exactly what you want to hear, and use any emotional tactic to make you think he's changed, or cares the way you want him to.

are there some magical words that are going to make you believe this is a mistake?  or are you confident that you've made the right decision?

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, newheart said:

He can help me move on by stopping all contact, that's how he can help. 

Unfortunately, you'll have to bear with unraveling all this. That means be logical about getting your stuff back. He can't upset you if you resolve not to allow it. . "Thanks for bringing my stuff, gotta go"

[flitzanu]

related/unrelated, if you're undoubtedly going to get stuck in a big emo conversation with him, i'd definitely meet in a neutral place.  don't let him in your house to unload his words on you, go meet at visible walmart parking lot or something.

[newheart]

Thanks, everyone.

Yup, got reeled in again.  He sent me a long text about how important this was to him and basically making excuses as to why he didn't do the things he said he'd do the last two weeks of our relationship and how committed he was and how important I was and blah blah blah ... so I responded with a long text back again explaining my side and then, crickets. 

I should have just blocked him. 

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, newheart said:

Thanks, everyone.

Yup, got reeled in again.  He sent me a long text about how important this was to him and basically making excuses as to why he didn't do the things he said he'd do the last two weeks of our relationship and how committed he was and how important I was and blah blah blah ... so I responded with a long text back again explaining my side and then, crickets. 

I should have just blocked him. 

You should have only responded  with - "When can I get my things"?  Lesson learned for next time.  Now that you know what he had to say it's time to get someone else to collect yout things.  I wouldn't engage with him again if you really want this over.

[newheart]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You should have only responded  with - "When can I get my things"?  Lesson learned for next time.  Now that you know what he had to say it's time to get someone else to collect yout things.  I wouldn't engage with him again if you really want this over.

I know, I am so mad at myself, I feel even more hurt now.

[glows]

48 minutes ago, newheart said:

Thanks, everyone.

Yup, got reeled in again.  He sent me a long text about how important this was to him and basically making excuses as to why he didn't do the things he said he'd do the last two weeks of our relationship and how committed he was and how important I was and blah blah blah ... so I responded with a long text back again explaining my side and then, crickets. 

I should have just blocked him. 

Let it be then and see what he says regarding pick up times. Arrange for someone to be there with you to pick up. His responses are designed to hurt or stall you because he feels he needs to be heard. Just because you heard him doesn't mean you're listening. Let it be in one ear/out the other. 

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, glows said:

Arrange for someone to be there with you to pick up.

Actually to relieve your stress you shouldn't be there to see him when he drops it off.  Let a friend be there to collect them.

[glows]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Actually to relieve your stress you shouldn't be there to see him when he drops it off.  Let a friend be there to collect them.

Yes, this may work if a friend will agree. I've never been one to push my responsibilities onto someone else so this would not be something I would do. If OP feels it is an option that's up to her.