Not getting my stuff back today after all, how to respond?

[ShyViolet]

He's being controlling and you shouldn't tolerate it.  You've made your wishes clear and he's refusing to respect them.  If I were you, I would tell him that if he doesn't release your belongings and place them outside as planned, you will be coming with a police escort to retrieve them.

[newheart]

Still haven't heard anything and still don't have my belongings. 

I agree Violet, it is a tactic to hang on, he probably thinks if he can talk to me, he can convince me to stay.  We've been through this before, and I've always given him another chance, and he knows I love him, so although it isn't right I bet he believes he can rope me back in.  Understandable, I've let him in the past.  He also knows this time is different, we are in the position we are in because he chose to not get help, and may be a little more ... grasping, idk.  It is painful enough as it is. 

I don't want to threaten the police or anything, I don't think it is that serious, at that point I'd probably opt to lose out on a lot of money over that, but I am anxious over this not being behind me.  Maybe that part is on me, the anxiety.  I just don't want it to ruin my weekend .... not that I have plans or anything, lol. 

 

[spiritedaway2003]

10 hours ago, newheart said:

Still haven't heard anything and still don't have my belongings. 

I agree Violet, it is a tactic to hang on, he probably thinks if he can talk to me, he can convince me to stay.  We've been through this before, and I've always given him another chance, and he knows I love him, so although it isn't right I bet he believes he can rope me back in.  Understandable, I've let him in the past.  He also knows this time is different, we are in the position we are in because he chose to not get help, and may be a little more ... grasping, idk.  It is painful enough as it is. 

I don't want to threaten the police or anything, I don't think it is that serious, at that point I'd probably opt to lose out on a lot of money over that, but I am anxious over this not being behind me.  Maybe that part is on me, the anxiety.  I just don't want it to ruin my weekend .... not that I have plans or anything, lol. 

 

If you are firmly resolved that the relationship is completely over, then nothing he says would make you change your mind.  It seems that your anxiety is actually around the fact that you think he can rope you back. Explore why that is.

[Wiseman2]

Is it his place? Have you severed all financial ties and accounts?

Try not to let these items become a bargaining chip in protracted emotional discussions about whether or not to continue this on/off situation.

Moving in/out is even more chaotic than on/off.

The solution is simple as far as collecting your belongings. Pick a mutually convenient time and go with a friend to get them.

[newheart]

9 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

If you are firmly resolved that the relationship is completely over, then nothing he says would make you change your mind.  It seems that your anxiety is actually around the fact that you think he can rope you back. Explore why that is.

I don't think endings are always quite that simple for many couple, but, especially not for me in this case.  I love him, but am ending the relationship because of continued intimacy issues and the relationship is not meeting my needs.  That said, of course I question if I am doing the right thing.  But, I am working with a therapist on my anxiety and overall effects of trauma, etc. which I am sure are related to why it is so hard for me to walk away.

[newheart]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it his place? Have you severed all financial ties and accounts?

Try not to let these items become a bargaining chip in protracted emotional discussions about whether or not to continue this on/off situation.

Moving in/out is even more chaotic than on/off.

The solution is simple as far as collecting your belongings. Pick a mutually convenient time and go with a friend to get them.

We live separately, so it shouldn't be this hard.  It's only a few, but expensive, items that I really care about, I told him to throw away small stuff.  It's not simple, because I don't have a way to transport my kayak, but I told him to keep that.  He is refusing to keep it and wants to drop it off.  At this point, I don't care about the kayak, whatever.  Maybe one day I will come home and it will be in my yard, lol, I don't care.

The rest should be simple. We had a time and date where I was going to pick up all my other items when he wasn't home this past Tuesday, then he canceled a few hours before I was going and said he will bring the stuff to me instead because he can bring my kayak with the rest of the belongings.  So fine, I gave him two alternate days that would work, asked him to drop the stuff off Wed or Fri while I was in the office.  He said he was tentatively off the rest of the week and would figure it out, but then he did not drop it off. 

I think he is holding onto it because he wanted to talk, and I don't want to talk to him about it.  I don't want to contact him about this either, I have initiated zero contact in the last two + weeks and I need it to be no contact.  

[newheart]

Just to add ... at some point, yes, I can just call it a loss and forget about it, although I don't think it's fair because they are costly items.  Maybe it's an excuse to upgrade my golf clubs next year.  I don't expect many people to understand, but it is more than that, him having these items gives him an "in" to reach out, it just bothers me, I can't explain it.  Of course, how I react to him reaching out is entirely on me, but I am trying to heal and figure some things out on my own, and it just causes added stress. 

[spiritedaway2003]

37 minutes ago, newheart said:

I don't think endings are always quite that simple for many couple, but, especially not for me in this case.  I love him, but am ending the relationship because of continued intimacy issues and the relationship is not meeting my needs.  That said, of course I question if I am doing the right thing.  But, I am working with a therapist on my anxiety and overall effects of trauma, etc. which I am sure are related to why it is so hard for me to walk away.

I don’t disagree with you.  My earlier comment is in fact simplified because some things are best simplified.

Where there was once love and relationship history and an ending that is due to incompatibilities, it’s hard to let go and it’s a process that must be grieved through.  It’s one of the reasons why I always say you can still love someone but still can not be together in a relationship.  It’s not mutually exclusive.  

But those who have “truly resolved” to end the relationship in their minds/heart won’t second guess as much and at least that seems to be where your anxiety is coming from.   You haven’t fully resolved that decision so you avoid him because you think you could be roped back in.  No?  If you want to address the stress and anxiety, my suggestion is to start with that.

The reality is that ending a relationship is never that simple. It’s the reason relationships like yours (staying too long in an incompatible relationship) or those who have been in EMR (all sides) struggle so much and so long.  It’s because there is lot to unravel and it’s not because of lack of love.  You can love someone and still not compatible.  And it’s ok to take time until you get to a place where you feel like it’s the right decision for you (or not).  I wish you well.

Edited November 6, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[newheart]

Thanks, everyone.  Update: he dropped off everything yesterday while I wasn't home.  

I wish I could say I feel better, but I don't. 😧