Questions to those Happily Married

[luiscasabuena]

To all who have been happily married for 20 or more years, these questions are for you.

You may or may not answer all questions. [ ] I'm asking these questions because I'm at a very important crossroad in my life. No, I'm not about to marry someone tomorrow. Lol. I'll answer your questions after you answer mine.

 

* How did you choose your spouse?

* Did anything else other than 'love' affect your choice?

* How long have you been married to each other?

* Do you still feel 'kilig' after all these years?

* How important is commitment to you and why?

* What is more important to you --- commitment or love?

* Was there any time in your relationship that you didn't feel the love at all?

*Have you been tempted to engage in clandestine side affairs? Did you succumb to it? If you were able to avoid it, how were you able to resolve such temptations?

* Do you believe in love at first sight? Soul-mates? Twin flames?

* How many relationships did you have before meeting your eventual spouse?

* What is the strongest reason for keeping your marriage other than your children?

* Did your children matter more than this reason?

* Is your spouse the most beautiful of all?

* So former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, in one of her interviews, intimated to her interviewer that she chose to marry someone because she *wanted* to love him. What is your opinion about this?

* Do you believe that "love" can be an emotion that lasts forever?

* Do you feel at *home* with your spouse?

* Am I wrong to say that love can be pure, unaffected by anything else, not even by changes in circumstances?

* How do you know if it's true love?

* Does true love enable you to write literary works or any other form of art? Does it make your normal expressions even more beautiful?

 

All answers will be considered but will be gauged based on the emotions they evoke in me. I appreciate the most genuine, the most candid answers.

I'm sorry for taking your time but please do understand that I'm at a very personal crossroad in my life --- perhaps, the most crucial of all.

Thank you!

Edited November 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed request for direct email to OP

[Foxhall]

4 hours ago, luiscasabuena said:

Does true love enable you to write literary works or

Interesting post!!

well I dont qualify to answer as such, but that question caught my eye,

My gf signed me up for a writing course and is always encouraging me to write little stories, 

I also have another female friend who I share some writing pieces with,

As the old saying goes "behind a good man there is always a good woman"

 In general I think having the right woman with him can help a guy achieve his potential 

If your like myself and sometimes or often have self doubts, the right woman perhaps can provide ,some at least, of the inspiration you seek.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, luiscasabuena said:

I've done about 3/4 of the questions.   Sorry to have to put my answers in the quote.  I'll bold them for clarity

* How did you choose your spouse?

I don't remember making a conscious choice.   We just got on really well and kept progressing the relationship.

* Did anything else other than 'love' affect your choice?

The things which made me choose him also make me love him.

* How long have you been married to each other?

Defacto 29 years (we have legal recognition of our partnership) 

* How important is commitment to you and why?

I'd rather be single than dating someone who wasn't committed

* What is more important to you --- commitment or love?

They go hand in hand

* Was there any time in your relationship that you didn't feel the love at all?

 Nope

What is the strongest reason for keeping your marriage other than your children?

We still enjoy each other's company enormously.  

* Do you believe in love at first sight? Soul-mates? Twin flames?

Nope

* Is your spouse the most beautiful of all?

Nope.  I don't place high value on the shallow elements of life

* Do you believe that "love" can be an emotion that lasts forever?

No.  I have fallen out of love in the past

* Do you feel at *home* with your spouse?

Always. 

* Am I wrong to say that love can be pure, unaffected by anything else, not even by changes in circumstances?

I don't know what you mean.  Define "changes in circumstances"

* How do you know if it's true love?

I don't use the term "true love". 

* Does true love enable you to write literary works or any other form of art? Does it make your normal expressions even more beautiful?

Ha, No.  I am not a romantic soul.

 

 

[Woggle]

We were married 15 years this June and while I am not going question by question I will answer some.

 

We met and really hit it off after me saying I will never remarry.

We are still in love as ever and she is not only the most beautiful woman I have seen but the best person and human being I have ever known. Just an all around great person inside and out.

 

[Wiseman2]

Is this for research or a paper? Have you considered paid surveys?

[mark clemson]

Every couple is a little bit different, so while I think there's some value in "sharing stories" I'm not sure a description of one couple's "working" marriage would necessarily apply well to you.

You might actually be better off doing internet research and/or reading some books about relationships. Just process everything critically and keep in mind that there is a lot of high-minded-sounding baloney out there that sells books but doesn't necessarily work well in practice. One example would be "Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry". While that is just a title and I'm sure there was more to it (it was an entire book), to my mind (having been with my spouse well over 22 years and married for the majority of those) that idea is, put simply, a giant load of BS.

Some things to keep in mind:

- People have different personalities, including among other things attachment styles, "love languages," conflict resolution styles, overt beliefs/philosophies, and deeply ingrained unconscious expectations that they won't necessarily communicate because they're not actually very aware of them

- Mutual attraction and aligning reasonably well on values and beliefs can be helpful at getting a good start. However, people change over time and so there are no guarantees. The perfect partner at 25 may have become unbearable at 40. If your partner suddenly e.g. decides they want to move to Alaska and become an ice-fisherman or joins a cult, you may have few options other than to let them go.

- Flexibility and reasonableness and/or the ability to adjust as things inevitably change over time is therefore is one key element.

- Ultimately, a relationship boils down to a (mutual) decision to continue being in the relationship. There are many great relationships that have ended for practical reasons, e.g. job changes/moving long distances. There are also notoriously plenty of bad relationships that continue simply because neither person chooses to leave. It's also true that once one person genuinely decides they are done, the relationship is over, like it or not, or at best a house of cards.

- Finally, there are some people who do just fine on their own. While marriage is often seen as a rite of passage and plenty of folks prefer not to be alone, there's nothing at all wrong with being single if that's genuinely what works best for you.

Edited November 3, 2021 by mark clemson

[lana-banana]

On 11/2/2021 at 1:22 PM, luiscasabuena said:

* How did you choose your spouse? We met at work. We were both with other people at the time.

* Did anything else other than 'love' affect your choice? I don't understand the question. There was certainly nothing pressuring us to get married. 

* How long have you been married to each other? Four years. We were together for four years prior.

* Do you still feel 'kilig' after all these years? Exhilaration? Not exactly. It's not the same as when you start dating. But sometimes you will be in a crowd and catch sight of them and be like "wow, it's my husband!"

* How important is commitment to you and why? This seems a bit silly to ask married people. If we didn't value commitment, we wouldn't be married.

* What is more important to you --- commitment or love? Commitment, no question.

* Was there any time in your relationship that you didn't feel the love at all? No. You can be annoyed at the person but still love them.

*Have you been tempted to engage in clandestine side affairs? Did you succumb to it? If you were able to avoid it, how were you able to resolve such temptations? No.

* Do you believe in love at first sight? Soul-mates? Twin flames? No.

* How many relationships did you have before meeting your eventual spouse? I forget. Not that many? 

* What is the strongest reason for keeping your marriage other than your children? We don't have kids and are not having kids.

* Did your children matter more than this reason? N/A

* Is your spouse the most beautiful of all? No.

* So former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, in one of her interviews, intimated to her interviewer that she chose to marry someone because she *wanted* to love him. What is your opinion about this? That's fine. Arranged marriages can work. Plenty of people fall in love with their partners after they get married; it's a cultural thing.

* Do you believe that "love" can be an emotion that lasts forever? Yes.

* Do you feel at *home* with your spouse? Absolutely 100%.

* Am I wrong to say that love can be pure, unaffected by anything else, not even by changes in circumstances? Probably. "Unconditional love is just love that hasn't met the conditions yet."

* How do you know if it's true love? No idea.

* Does true love enable you to write literary works or any other form of art? Does it make your normal expressions even more beautiful? Not more than any other emotion. Does it make you wiser, more thoughtful in some ways? Sure. Is it life-changing? Yes, but so is grief.

 

 

[princessaurora]

How did you choose your spouse?  I wasn't looking for a spouse but I fell in love and he had everything I was looking for. 

* Did anything else other than 'love' affect your choice?  No, I dont believe in marrying for money or convenience. 

* How long have you been married to each other? over 20 years 

* Do you still feel 'kilig' after all these years? Not sure what this means. 

* How important is commitment to you and why? marriage is a commitment. wouldn'

t have gotten married if that's  not what I wanted.

* What is more important to you --- commitment or love? being a monogamous person, if I love someone I'm going to commit to them so these 2 things go hand in hand. 

* Was there any time in your relationship that you didn't feel the love at all? We've went through rocky periods but never stopped loving each other.

*Have you been tempted to engage in clandestine side affairs? Did you succumb to it? If you were able to avoid it, how were you able to resolve such temptations? I had a temptation last year, but I did not act on it. I had to pull my head out of the clouds and realize what I could potentially lose. I decided it was not worth it and looking back now I still cant believe I ever questioned that it could be. 

* Do you believe in love at first sight? Soul-mates? Twin flames? Absolutely. That's how it was with my husband. The second I saw him, I knew he was the one. 

* How many relationships did you have before meeting your eventual spouse? I dated alot but only a handful of long term ones. 

* What is the strongest reason for keeping your marriage other than your children? He is my best friend and I  love him. 

* Did your children matter more than this reason? No

* Is your spouse the most beautiful of all? I find him very attractive, but if I said he was hotter than Chris Hemsworth that would be a lie. lol

* So former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, in one of her interviews, intimated to her interviewer that she chose to marry someone because she *wanted* to love him. What is your opinion about this? I don't believe in growing to love someone. Maybe in early dating but I would never marry or become engaged to someone I didn't love. 

* Do you believe that "love" can be an emotion that lasts forever? Yes

* Do you feel at *home* with your spouse? Without a doubt. Being touched or held by him feels so different than by anyone else and when he's not here, I miss him. 

* Am I wrong to say that love can be pure, unaffected by anything else, not even by changes in circumstances? For some people yes. 

* How do you know if it's true love? It;s a feeling, a gravitational pull towards another person that makes you feel happy and secure

* Does true love enable you to write literary works or any other form of art? Does it make your normal expressions even more beautiful?

I write in my spare time and use traits of my husbands in many of the stories

 

 

[BaileyB]

On 11/2/2021 at 12:22 PM, luiscasabuena said:

* How did you choose your spouse?
We met and the timing was not right. He then contacted me again and we both knew we wanted to pursue the relationship. 

* Did anything else other than 'love' affect your choice? No

* How long have you been married to each other? Not married. Together 5 years now. 

* Do you still feel 'kilig' after all these years? I agree with Lana. It’s different than the early stage of the relationship, but I still have moments when I look at him and think - He is so wonderful and I’m so lucky to have him in my life. 

* How important is commitment to you and why? Very important. I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t committed to me and vice versa. 

* Was there any time in your relationship that you didn't feel the love at all? No. There are days when I love him more than others  But, I always love him. 

*Have you been tempted to engage in clandestine side affairs? Never. I would end the relationship before I ever chose to have an affair. This is simply not something I would ever consider for my life. 

* Do you believe in love at first sight? Soul-mates? Twin flames? No. I knew when I met my partner that we had a lot in common and we got on well, but I don’t believe we are soul mates. 

* What is the strongest reason for keeping your marriage other than your children? I love him and I love our life together. 

* Is your spouse the most beautiful of all? Goodness no. I mean, he is beautiful to me… but, his physical appearance is not really a factor in why we are together. 

* So former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, in one of her interviews, intimated to her interviewer that she chose to marry someone because she *wanted* to love him. What is your opinion about this? That is a stupid decision - destined to bring unhappiness.

* Do you believe that "love" can be an emotion that lasts forever? Yes. My parents loved each other forever. 

* Do you feel at *home* with your spouse? Yes.

* Am I wrong to say that love can be pure, unaffected by anything else, not even by changes in circumstances? Love and relationships do not exist in a vacuum. The idea of “unconditional love” is rather naive and used to justify a whole lot of unhealthy things, IMHO.

* How do you know if it's true love?
I’m watching a Disney movie…

 

Edited November 12, 2021 by BaileyB