8 days and extremly painful

[tant75]

I accept any advice here so please reply because I am at a true loss right now.My husband of 3 years exactly on the 18th...left from our home last Thursday which was 8 days ago.He won't talk to me in person,just emails me and gives me no hope of trying to wotk things out.He says he tried to talk to me many times before he left.Of course you would have to know the whole story to give me some good advice but without going into all of that how can I get him to talk to me?Should I just give him the time and space for now and quit emailing him?Or should I keep trying to contact hime and let him know that I don't want this marriage to end and can we please seek help to try to repair our marriage?I don't know where to go at this point.He says he can't be with me right now and two days later he says we should seperate/divorce.

[Devildog]

Of course you would have to know the whole story to give me some good advice but without going into all of that how can I get him to talk to me?

 

Exactly, and based on your reluctance to offer any of the story, I am getting the feeling there was infidelity on your part?

 

Have you read any of the threads on this board? Most of them are full of personal things and admitting to guilt, sins and mistakes. Others, like mine, have details of loss that I have only told to one or two other people who know me in person.

 

We are all anonymous behind our usernames here. You probably can't tell us anything we haven't heard before. And the backstory is a major necessity for any of us to provide useful advice.

 

General advice, right now I would say give him some space.

[tant75]

No infidelity here just a whole history of anger,drugs(on his part)abandoment,no communication and not enough time spent together.I will post more this afternoon.The story was short because i have to get to work.

[tant75]

Before you read this you have to know that my husband grew up with a somewhat abusive father,poor,became depressed as an adult and started experimenting with drugs.We both have anger issues in the marriage but still have that conncection that I don't feel like I could ever have with anyone else.After he left me 8 days ago he sent me this email"For a very long time now things have been going way down hill. I know I messed up but I tried to fix it. I also tried to get you to join me and try to fix things. You didn't care. All you wanted to do was sit on the computer and watch your shows. I couldn't even watch the T.V. You just drove me away and the more I tried to talk to you about things the more you got pissed off. The only way I could get you attention was to say something mean or to fight with you. I never use to be like that before. I hate fighting. I'm not even the same person I use to be. I turned in to a very mean bitter person and I didn't really care about anything. I can't be like that anymore. You talk about how you are going to change but you haven't done one thing to do so. It's always I was going to change or I would have changed if you did do this. I just want to be the person I use to be. I'm tired of being put down all the time and called stupid. You even tell me I don't know anything about computers and all I do is mess yours up. You compare me to my Dad all the time because you know it hurts me. I can't play your game anymore. You never supported me in anything I wanted to do. All you did was put me down and you were turning me into the same type of person. I wish I could but I can't do it anymore.

 

Just email me what ever you wanted to talk about and I'll email you back."

 

Now,I never called him stupid but the other things he said we both are guilty of.Can this relationship be resolved and would a counsler be in our best interest?Should I give him time and not message him or keep trying to prove how much I do love & care for him?Please help!

[tonyp56]

Don't contact him for a while (don't respond or send!). You both need to cool off, and you, believe it or not need to get away from his power that he has over you. What I mean, yes you love him, but you've become dependent on him that is why it is so hard for you to let go. Trust me, I know, I have been/am there with my wife that left me 6 weeks ago. Go out and do something that you want to, go out with friends, etc. I wouldn't advise dates yet though, for two reasons, one anyone that you go on a date with you will just transfer your feelings for your husband to them, and second, just in case you do work it out with your husband you don't want the guilt of cheating. Anyways, go have some fun, stay busy, and don't let him get you down. Perhaps, if possible, go to a counselor, to deal with your anger issues, depression and coping problems because he left and anything else you need help with. Perhaps later you could go with him, but for now, just concentrate on yourself.

 

This will do two things, one it will help you to cope with your sense of loss, and two it will show him that you don't need him to survive, which should cause him to think about the two of you, and could bring him around. Even if he doesn't come back (it is a possibility) you will be better off in the long run, because you got help, and of course if he does, your relationship should be better.

 

Good luck, and sorry that you have to go through this.

Tony

[tant75]

If actually gave me some great advice and I do appreciate it so much!My friends say to not respond or contact him for a while too.Sad thing is I have let him know how vulnerable I am still to him and how I am needy of him.He knows this and I'm scared he is now using this against me and may hurt me more.His latest email said that all I do is talk about getting help but I haven't done it yet.He says that there are reasons that I have anger issues and I need to figure out why.He left the email saying that until then that's all he has to say to me.After that I did call a few counslers today and got some information and prices which by the way won't be cheap and some have a waiting list for evening appointments.I don't know if he will go with me or not,I was hoping he would.He goes to methadone treatments daily with counseling on that only 1 day a week.He thinks that's doing his part.I think he should go to marriage counseling with me but if nothing else I will do it for myself because I really do think I need it because I can't eat,sleep,or do anything other then focus on him.I guess I have become too dependent on him.His another thing I forgot to mention.I just turned 30 years old and he is 24.I hope despite the age differance this can be worked out.Any more advice is greatly appreciated.

[debilou]

You have to take care of YOU! No one will do it for you. There are counseling programs that charge depending on your income. You can do a lot for yourself by reading self help books.

 

A few I can recommend are: The Road Less Traveled, Scott Peck; Honoring the Self, Nathaniel Braden. I could go on and on. But you need to listen to yourself. Go to the library and search. Marianne Williamson, Alice Miller, Gary Zucov are a few good authors.

 

He's having a crisis for whatever reason. You are NOT why HE isn't happy. You can't fix him or your marriage. I have been through this and am still going through it.

 

My stbxh left more than a year ago. I still try to figure out where I went wrong. Bottom line: You can't make someone else happy.

 

I am still in counseling and will be for some time. I have issues, we all do. It seems to me your H is doing the blame game. "You don't support me, you call me names, you think I'm stupid, etc."

 

Sometimes they need to do this to have a reason to leave. I did learn from counseling that it doesn't matter that you never called him stupid. He believes you did. It's more of what he thinks of himself than how you treat him.

 

This web site is a great free tool to get yourself above water. Most people here have felt the pain you're feeling. Sometimes they can see what you can't. I'm still under the spell of my stbxh.

 

We won't judge you. You're safe here.

 

Debilou

[tant75]

I really enjoyed reading the last posting on here.Every comment helps me understand things better.I do have insurance that will pay 80% on the counseling but it won't cover his part if he goes with me for the couples counseling.I may just have to start out going on my own.Yesterday I didn't get an email from him at all.He had been sending something even if it was only a few words each day.Now I feel like he is tired of trying to talk with me.This morning has been very hard.I woke up crying and are still upset.I just don't know how to go on day after day.Who wants to live like this.I just wish i knew what he was really feeling,what was really going on in his mind.I wish I knew if he only wanted to be away from me temporary or if he really is thinking this marriage is done and he does not care to try anymore.Should I demand an answer?Would closure help me or hurt me at this point?Should I just leave him alone and wait for him to come back or call atleast?I want to contact him everyday.I don't know how to let go.This is killing me.

[Devildog]

tant75, if you read through some of the older posts here you might have noticed a phrase "emotional rollercoaster". This is exactly what it feels like. You will have days when you are happy and things seem to be working out, and you will have days when it seems like things are going downhill fast and out of your control. Your emotions are just going to be all over the place. That is why you need to do everything to keep your wits about you. You don't want to make a decision in the heat of the moment that is going to affect your entire life do you?

 

When I was going through my separation and divorce, I felt like a hostage. That someone had thrown a bag over my head and kidnapped me and I had no idea where I was being taken. That I had no control over what happened to my life. This is true to a very large extent. You don't have control over what he decides to do. But you have control over how you react to it and control over yourself. You can control whether you work on improving yourself.

 

As impossible as it might seem right now, a day might come when you feel that it is in your best interest to begin a new life. After a few months of being separated, I began to see my XW without the rose colored glasses that blinded me to her flaws. And believe me, there were many flaws. I began to admit to myself that the marriage I was fighting so hard to save was very unhealthy for me, and had taken me away from having any kind of relationship with my family.

 

You might end up feeling worthless and undesireable. I felt that way. And then I started to remember opportunities that I had passed up in favor of my XW. I realized there were other women that found me desireable, and most of those were an immense upgrade over my XW.

 

The main point to my aimless ramblings here is that you musn't make any rash decisions. Give him some space and get some space yourself.

[tonyp56]

tant75,

 

Drop the idea of going to couples therapy, for now at least. Get yourself fixed, your husband has already dared you in a way. It is about you now, don't worry about him for now. Don't tell him anything about it until you are already going, and when he mentions it. If he doesn't mention it, don't offer the information about going to counseling. Let him see the difference in you that counseling has done, fake it if you must, but don't let him know that you want him. You can do this, get help for yourself, and don't look at yourself as a couple anymore. I know that is hard, but nothing will make your husband want you more than the thought of you moving on with your life. If anything will get his attention, showing your strength in this situation will. And in the end, you can't make him go to therapy, you can only go to therapy yourself. This time should be all about YOU, not about you and him! You need help, like I do, and we have got to fix ourselves, no matter what the outcome, so that we can move on with our lives--with or without our wife/husband! Of course, if he comes to you wanting to go, then you can go as a couple, but don't try to force it on him. Once again, good luck and I'm sorry.

 

Devildog,

 

You are so right, the more that time goes by the more I realize that my wife wasn't as high as I made her on that pedestal. I too passed up more than one woman that showed that she wanted me, and I even passed up a few times where I could have cheated on my wife with a much hotter woman! At the time I thought the favor would be returned, but I now know I was wrong. (though I have to say, knowing what I know now, I still would not have cheated on my wife, that is just me) However, there was several times when we were dating (dated for over 4 years), that I had to think about being with her, I had to say to myself, "No, I want to be with her, but it would be nice..." I sometimes wish I could go back to then, and make a different decision! Though, if I would have, I wouldn't have my three kids now, which would be the only reason I'd go through this again.

[tant75]

Everyone is pretty much telling me the same thing,even my mom and friends so i guess i will have to force myself to let go for now.For me,it is extremly and I mean extremly hard not to email him or leave text messages.I know I must stop though because my weakness is his gain and advantage over me.It's just so hard to believe I am going through this again.We do this every so often but this time was differant and he was so serious.I have cried and cried to him and he doesn't even shed a tear or show concern.Although he can't look me in my face as i am crying.How can people be so cruel and hurtful.I could have never done this to him or taken things this far.His family has shut me out too it seems.Some in-laws I have there...no support or concern at all from them either.

[tonyp56]

Everyone is pretty much telling me the same thing,even my mom and friends so i guess i will have to force myself to let go for now.For me,it is extremly and I mean extremly hard not to email him or leave text messages.I know I must stop though because my weakness is his gain and advantage over me.It's just so hard to believe I am going through this again.We do this every so often but this time was differant and he was so serious.I have cried and cried to him and he doesn't even shed a tear or show concern.Although he can't look me in my face as i am crying.How can people be so cruel and hurtful.I could have never done this to him or taken things this far.His family has shut me out too it seems.Some in-laws I have there...no support or concern at all from them either.

 

 

I understand your pain; my wife’s family is inviting her new man to come over for dinner, and to meet him. And it has only been a little more than six weeks (they were doing this almost a month ago!!!!), we aren't divorce yet, and they act like they could care less that she is cheating on her husband, and that she is living with someone that she isn't married to. They act like I never did anything right, and that I am totally to blame for everything. She too, acts this way, heck just tonight I was asking her about Halloween, and telling her I wanted to go with the kids, and she was like "you only went once" BULLS**T! I went a lot more than once. She acts like I never did anything right.

 

It is hard, I know, but we have to do this for ourselves, not our wife/husband (in my case I need to do this for my kids too). I am slowly gaining some ground, but I still have my bad days too. Tell yourself you can make it, do something to get your mind off of him, and try to get some counseling.

 

Something I forgot to mention earlier, I went to my local health department and asked about counseling, they referred me to Oklahoma State University. Anyways, I am on a waiting list but it is only $10 dollars per sessions for me--based on income. You may be able to check into something like this and you may get lucky and not be put on a waiting list. It wouldn't hurt to try.

 

Something I've heard others say is to get a self-help book, my thing about that is if it is self help, then why you need a book! However, it wouldn't hurt if you really needed to, to go to your library or perhaps book store and pick up one or two to read. But in your case it sounds like your friends and family are there for you, exploit that, talk to them, heck, just go out for ladies night or something with 2, 3, 4, etc. girlfriends of yours and go hang out. Of course, if you do something like that, let yourself have fun, don't be thinking about him all night--don't talk about him either, just let the night take you where it takes you and of course, be careful.

[Devildog]

I think the in-law thing is pretty much par for the course. When my XW went psychotic and was running around with her "friend" and decided to separate, her aunts an uncles were all on my side, thought it was disgraceful and sickening to see what my XW was doing. But my XMIL was nice enough to send a letter to all of them bashing me. Going so far as to question my grief over the loss of my daughter. And of course chastising the aunts and uncles for seeing anything bad or inappropriate in "such a beautiful, harmless little friendship."

 

It's the parent thing. They go into protect their child overdrive mode. Even when their child is absolutely in the wrong, they are still going to defend their child.