My Girlfriend Needs Time to Figure Herself Out, do I Have a Chance With Her in the Future?

[Stfrg]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 months. There has been no arguments and no issues between us. She goes to college full time and works full time and since she's gone back to school it seems everything is overwhelming her. Recently she said she can't be in a relationship right now because it's not fair to me that I'm giving 100% effort and she's only giving 25% effort. She said she's too overwhelmed right now and issues are coming up from her childhood that she has to deal with (she was abused as a child). All in all I'm like well are we breaking up or are we still together?

She says it's not black and white like that like you think it is she said how am I supposed to love you fully when I don't even love myself. I can't love myself and I need time to figure me out and figure how to deal with everything going on in life right now and figure what priorities I need to focus on. She says it's not like I never want to talk to you again.

I'm like well I want a life with you I see you in my future and I want this to work out, she said I can't even see passed ten days from now how am I supposed to know what my future holds. So I'm like well what am I supposed to do just move on and forget about you? She said that's up to you I'm not going to ask you to wait for me that's not fair of me to ask of you I don't deserve that.

So do I have any chance of this working out in the future? I figure I'd go no contact and try and reach out in a couple months. Like how am I supposed to show that I'm willing to be there for her while at the same time she's going through everything that she's going through? And does it even sound like I have a chance with her in the future once everything settles down in her life?

Edited November 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[glows]

Those are some major red flags there and I am sorry to say this. "how am I supposed to love you fully when I don't even love myself" is a big stop sign. At least pause and reflect awhile on this. This is coming from a person who is feeling so down and so low that she may not know how to function in a relationship. If she's overwhelmed, accept that and let it be. Don't force things. I would say goodbye for good and wish her well. If your paths cross again much later on, that's fine but I wouldn't hold out for it. 

That care doesn't just stop but it does fade. It'll take time but I think you ought to move on.

Edited November 3, 2021 by glows

[Alpacalia]

If she's found the courage to tell you that, she's already made her decision.

This is most likely the cause if you know her life is hectic. She's attempting to reclaim control of her life and requires some alone in order to do it. Who knows, perhaps she'll return. Don't hold your breath, though. Wish her luck on her path of self-discovery, and then go on your own.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Stfrg said:

. She goes to college full time and works full time and since she's gone back to school it seems everything is overwhelming her. Recently she said she can't be in a relationship right now because it's not fair to me 

Ok. Dating 28 weeks is a good time to reassess things. In this case she's busy with college and work.

Does she have a BF at college? 

Unfortunately this is a variation of "it's me not you" in the form of "too busy, need to figure things out, etc."

Step way back. Do not contact her in 8 weeks. She knows your contact info so let her reach out. She's already indicating she feels suffocated.

However, don't wait on hold for anyone "too busy" or "too confused" to date.

Edited November 3, 2021 by Wiseman2

[chillii]

One things for sure , college ft and working ft wth. The only time she'd have left is to sleep so nope she def' hasn't got time for you right now and no wonder she's confused and overwhelmed.

l think all you can do is back away and try to get on with your life for now it's not easy l know but you really don't have choice. Maybe later on she sorts herself out a little and contacts you but right now she needs a few mths to get her bearings.

[Sun Seeker]

Sounds like she is giving you a bunch of excuses to end things with the classic 'its not you it's me', which really translates to.. she's just not that into you.

Do not contact her, get on with your life without her, as she's happy to carry on her life without you in it. Find someone that actually wants to be with you.

[BreakOnThrough]

As everyone else has said, go no contact fully, when she comes back around, and she will, then you can decide what you do, but until that point, move one with your life as if she doesn't exist, no texts, no contact, remove her from all social media.

[notbroken]

Yes, they are correct.  Tell her you like her a lot and hope she comes back - then move on completely as best as possible with no expectations.   The question is if you would really take her back.   Honestly, not sure you should at all.  She may never commit to you - and the reasons could be anything from she is 'messed up inside', too busy, or just not really that into you - but it doesn't really matter.  In the end, the result is the same - she can't or won't commit.   Save yourself some heartache and find someone that can and will.   

[GeorgiaPeach1]

12 hours ago, Stfrg said:

My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 months. There has been no arguments and no issues between us. She goes to college full time and works full time and since she's gone back to school it seems everything is overwhelming her. Recently she said she can't be in a relationship right now because it's not fair to me that I'm giving 100% effort and she's only giving 25% effort. She said she's too overwhelmed right now and issues are coming up from her childhood that she has to deal with (she was abused as a child). All in all I'm like well are we breaking up or are we still together? She says it's not black and white like that like you think it is she said how am I supposed to love you fully when I don't even love myself. I can't love myself and I need time to figure me out and figure how to deal with everything going on in life right now and figure what priorities I need to focus on. She says it's not like I never want to talk to you again. I'm like well I want a life with you I see you in my future and I want this to work out, she said I can't even see passed ten days from now how am I supposed to know what my future holds. So I'm like well what am I supposed to do just move on and forget about you? She said that's up to you I'm not going to ask you to wait for me that's not fair of me to ask of you I don't deserve that. So do I have any chance of this working out in the future? I figure I'd go no contact and try and reach out in a couple months. Like how am I supposed to show that I'm willing to be there for her while at the same time she's going through everything that she's going through? And does it even sound like I have a chance with her in the future once everything settles down in her life?

This was her dumping you. Instead of being blunt, it seems she was trying to be gentle and hoped you would catch the hint that she is done. IMO gentle breakups do more harm than good, since they give the dumpee the wrong impression that there's still a chance.

Another thing, don't hang around waiting for her to give you a crumb. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT! Make her marry her decision to dump you by going full no contact, effective immediately. She needs to know what it feels like to not have you anymore. Only then can she consider that she may be making a mistake. Also, full no contact will help you heal and move forward. It will hurt in the beginning, but it gets much better over time. You will start to look at the situation with clear eyes, and realize that she may not be right for you anyway. 

Don't forget that full no contact includes not keeping up with what she's up to on her social media.

In the meantime, you need to focus on yourself. Get in the best shape of your life (if you aren't already), get involved in hobbies or classes you've always wanted to try, travel to someplace you've never been before, make new platonic friends, and then put yourself back on the dating market. 

Come HERE if you need support and are tempted to contact her. Unless she is offering getting back together with a clean slate, and to work on issues together, should you even consider speaking to her again.

[Carlon]

There's always a chance of reconciliation.

You're going to wait around for months or years to find out if you're the lucky one and you get to be with a girl who is at best lukewarm about being together with you?

I sure wouldn't.

 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, BreakOnThrough said:

when she comes back around, and she will,

I would not bank on it. Most people never come back around.
Once they are done enough to end it, they are done.

OP
She dumped you. she has no intention of getting back with you.
It is just the usual  confusing nonsense, people say when they want to break up but are trying to soften the blow.
Once you have gone, she will not want to look back. 

Move on.

[ShyViolet]

I wouldn't put much hope into this if I were you.  It sounds like she was giving you a huge list of excuses to let you down easy.  At the end of the day, if she really wanted to be with you, she would be with you.  She's just not that into you.  Accept it.  It's not your job or your place to "be there for her."  You are not her therapist and you can't help her with her "issues".  She told you bluntly that she's not ready for a relationship with you.  Go no-contact.

[flitzanu]

as the others have said, "it's not you, it's me" 

best move is to walk away quietly, no begging or pleading, cut and block her from your contacts.  that's always the mistake we make, all the begging and pleading

[dramafreezone]

20 hours ago, Stfrg said:

So do I have any chance of this working out in the future?

Maybe step back and take this time to figure out why, with the plethora of issues she has, you're clamoring for a shot with *her*.

It may not seem like it now but I think she's doing you a favor.  She doesn't love herself?  How can you have a life with someone that doesn't love herself?  How can she devote herself to being a loving mother, wife? 

I know you think that you can be the answer to her problems, but it doesn't work like that, she has to fix herself.

Also, start believing that you deserve good things, specifically someone that loves you back.

[Interstellar]

You should’ve told her to take all the time she wants, then delete and block her forever.  NEXT!

Edited November 4, 2021 by Interstellar

[spiderowl]

If she really is working full time AND studying full time at college, then no wonder she is overwhelmed!  I guess this is not the picture though and she does have SOME spare time?

She is going through some kind of crisis which ultimately amounts to 'she is not happy with her life as it is at the moment'.  Sadly, that probably includes her relationship with you too.  It would be extremely rare for someone to push away a loving boyfriend when unhappy unless she was having doubts about the relationship.

It sounds like she wants a break, which may turn permanent, and she wants to resolve issues with how she feels about herself.  I don't think you can help her with the latter and she is not expecting you to.

This is the 'I need to find myself/focus on myself' theme that is often brought up when relationships are foundering.  The best thing you can do is to leave her be, not contact her unless she makes an effort to contact you, and for you to date other women.  Assume this is over and enjoy your freedom.  Whether she will come back in any serious form is anyone's guess but I doubt it.  She would not risk losing you unless she had serious doubts.

You sound like a great guy with genuine and serious intentions.  I am sure there will be a girl out there for you who is looking for something meaningful like you.

Edited November 4, 2021 by spiderowl