Why do I still get nervous/worried after a whole year?

[jessiewilliams]

Hi guys,

Long story short, I have been with my boyfriend now for just over 1 year. Around 5 months into the relationship we broke up for about 6 weeks due to stress/long distance etc. I initiated the breakup and he was devastated. We still spoke a lot whilst we were broken up and I ended up finding out that he had slept whilst we were broken up. (completely fair enough as we were not together, though I found it a little strange how he was still telling me he missed me/wanted me back etc still). 

1 year later we are still together and happy, however sometimes I get these reminders of the girl he had the ONS with whilst we were broken up. She is part of one of his friendship circles so whenever I see social media posts related to her or that friendship group, I feel really bad anxiety for afew days as it is a constant reminder. It is also very likely that my BF will be invited to her events or events where she will be there as they have shared friends. This makes me so nervous and we have spoken about this - but we are just 'taking the situation as it comes' because he cant stop being friends with that group because of the one girl.

I have actually been to 1 event where all 3 of us were there, and we just didn't really speak and it wasn't awkward to be honest which was good. She did say hi/hug my BF etc which I wasn't bothered by but he told me the next day she made a drunk comment to him saying 'I love you but I hate you' later on at the event which I thought was quite strange? Also, I should probably mention they did know each other before the ONS and my BF said she fancied him previously - although she didn't want anymore than the ONS apparently.

How can I stop thinking about their ONS and also do you think that comment was harmless? Also how do you think I should deal with getting nervous for future situations? (I am a HUGE over-thinker and worrier if you didn't realise!) Thank you xx

[Alpacalia]

I know it's hard, but this has been eating away at you for a whole year now.

He, like you, was a free and single person.

He saw an opening and took advantage of it, and the more he hurts, the faster he'll go. Not always, but the vast majority of the time.

You've already reconciled, so if you want to make the relationship work, you'll have to find a way to move past this.

She will act as a constant reminder; if this is something you think you will never be able to let go of, you and your boyfriend should probably part ways.

[glows]

It seems like distrust of your partner. I would not underestimate lack of trust in general, lack of judgment or discretion. Look at him as a whole person and the entire relationship, not only this issue. If there are other things you do not agree with about him or the way he treats you, himself, others around him, that's a very good sign that you just do not trust his overall judgment. That is a valid reason to end things and not just because of who he slept with while you were broken up either. That issue is surface only.

[jessiewilliams]

23 minutes ago, glows said:

It seems like distrust of your partner. I would not underestimate lack of trust in general, lack of judgment or discretion. Look at him as a whole person and the entire relationship, not only this issue. If there are other things you do not agree with about him or the way he treats you, himself, others around him, that's a very good sign that you just do not trust his overall judgment. That is a valid reason to end things and not just because of who he slept with while you were broken up either. That issue is surface only.

That is good advice thank you. I just found the comment about 'i love you but i hate you' quite strange too but I do trust him. I think it is just a jealousy thing 

[jessiewilliams]

47 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I know it's hard, but this has been eating away at you for a whole year now.

He, like you, was a free and single person.

He saw an opening and took advantage of it, and the more he hurts, the faster he'll go. Not always, but the vast majority of the time.

You've already reconciled, so if you want to make the relationship work, you'll have to find a way to move past this.

She will act as a constant reminder; if this is something you think you will never be able to let go of, you and your boyfriend should probably part ways.

This is very true thank you. I guess I am really asking how I forget about it. That is what I am struggling with at the moment 

[Sun Seeker]

11 minutes ago, jessiewilliams said:

This is very true thank you. I guess I am really asking how I forget about it. That is what I am struggling with at the moment 

If it's been this long and you are still thinking about it, I don't think you will ever be able to just forget about it. The reminder will always be there whilst they are still friends and meeting socially.

Either you accept it, they stop being friends, or you break up.

Personally I would never accept it, if my girlfriend slept with someone whilst we were broken up and she carried on meeting him on social occasions. If she wouldn't end their friendship, then I would break up with her.

[jessiewilliams]

2 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said:

If it's been this long and you are still thinking about it, I don't think you will ever be able to just forget about it. The reminder will always be there whilst they are still friends and meeting socially.

Either you accept it, they stop being friends, or you break up.

Personally I would never accept it, if my girlfriend slept with someone whilst we were broken up and she carried on meeting him on social occasions. If she wouldn't end their friendship, then I would break up with her.

So it is not that they are 'close friends' and are meeting/talking specifically. They have a mutual friend so they will probably see each other through the mutual friend if that makes sense. Which is probably 1-2 events a year or so.. I definitely wouldn't like if it was frequent !

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, jessiewilliams said:

my BF said she fancied him previously - although she didn't want anymore than the ONS apparently.

Ask yourself why he continually needs to shove her in your face and more specifically, keep boasting about how into him he is. He continues to be disrespectful to you and make this relationship about the three of  you. Decide if you could have been happier staying broken up so you could finally get away from these people.

 Is this the same man?:

 

[glows]

1 hour ago, jessiewilliams said:

That is good advice thank you. I just found the comment about 'i love you but i hate you' quite strange too but I do trust him. I think it is just a jealousy thing 

Did you ask him to report to you every interaction that goes on between them? If you did not ask for this, he doesn't need to tell you the things she did to get his attention. Trusting your partner means you don't need to know every single detail that goes on in an uncomfortable situation. He would be capable of shutting down any untoward behaviour or advances without divulging any sordid details to you. The latter part of this is discretion. I tried to be subtle in my first post. He lacks judgment and discretion. 

Are you both still long distance? What other stressors do either of you have in the relationship? I ask as you broke up once. The cycle might repeat itself.

[jessiewilliams]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ask yourself why he continually needs to shove her in your face and more specifically, keep boasting about how into him he is. He continues to be disrespectful to you and make this relationship about the three of  you. Decide if you could have been happier staying broken up so you could finally get away from these people.

 Is this the same man?:

 

Yes same person but he does not rub it in my face at all I think you may have misunderstood. I found out she 'fancied' him ages ago when asks. He never brings it up or rubs anything in my face - it is me who is just struggling to stop thinking about it. I am just asking how I can 'forget' about the situation (hope that makes sense)

[jessiewilliams]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Did you ask him to report to you every interaction that goes on between them? If you did not ask for this, he doesn't need to tell you the things she did to get his attention. Trusting your partner means you don't need to know every single detail that goes on in an uncomfortable situation. He would be capable of shutting down any untoward behaviour or advances without divulging any sordid details to you. The latter part of this is discretion. I tried to be subtle in my first post. He lacks judgment and discretion. 

Are you both still long distance? What other stressors do either of you have in the relationship? I ask as you broke up once. The cycle might repeat itself.

We are in long distance but it is working well. We don't have any other stresses - he doesn't even like talking about his past etc this is purely in my head so just asking for advice on how to 'move on' and forget things that happened so long ago. 

He would tell me if he got any messages etc from her. The comment came up in convo the next day (I don't ask him specifically)

[glows]

13 minutes ago, jessiewilliams said:

We are in long distance but it is working well. We don't have any other stresses - he doesn't even like talking about his past etc this is purely in my head so just asking for advice on how to 'move on' and forget things that happened so long ago. 

He would tell me if he got any messages etc from her. The comment came up in convo the next day (I don't ask him specifically)

To be realistic this may fade in time if you both had more to go on as a couple. Living or maintaining a long distance relationship stalls a lot of growth in the relationship that might otherwise happen in person. You may feel you're not moving past this because you're not moving at a pace that other couples would without the distance between the two of you. You'd be making more memories, building trust in your relationship and acquaintances or superficial friendships like this would not be in the forefront. 

You having trouble forgetting is a product or accumulation of all factors in this scenario.. a make up of the choices you've made to stay in this relationship. If you really do want to move past this and grow forwards together, then think of possibilities of doing it together as a couple in person and moving on with your lives. Living in this limbo is only stalling and preventing you from being happy or happier than you would otherwise be.

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, jessiewilliams said:

We are in long distance but it is working well.

Is it working well? Distance relationships are typically fraught with all the issues you are mentioning about having local sex.

They are also fraught with loneliness, suspicion and angst because it's dependent on electronic communication.

It lacks dates, hugs, sex, affection and all the things that make relationships happy.

Reflect if distance actually makes you happy or just creates distress.

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, jessiewilliams said:

This is very true thank you. I guess I am really asking how I forget about it. That is what I am struggling with at the moment 

If it was someone you didn't know, it might not feel so personal. Every time you see or hear about his "crutch" now, you'll wonder where it's been.

I'm not sure how you get over it other than to admit that you don't like it and realize that it was beyond your control.

I understand she was there after your breakup, but she's made her presence known by conversing with your partner, so she's in both of your life.

3 hours ago, jessiewilliams said:

He would tell me if he got any messages etc from her. The comment came up in convo the next day (I don't ask him specifically)

Do you think that he welcomes it or is it more her? Why is he receiving messages from her exactly?

 

[dramafreezone]

 

8 hours ago, Sun Seeker said:

Personally I would never accept it, if my girlfriend slept with someone whilst we were broken up and she carried on meeting him on social occasions. If she wouldn't end their friendship, then I would break up with her.

But from what I can read that's not the case at all.  From what she's said they were at one meeting where all of them were present.  The rest is just her anxiety about it.

OP, I don't know what else you can do but wait for this anxiety to fade in time.  If he hasn't cheated on you while you were together then there's really no reason for you to feel anxious.  When both of you were an option, he chose you.  When you took yourself out of the equation, he chose her.

Edited November 3, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Girl Fade Away]

13 hours ago, jessiewilliams said:

How can I stop thinking about their ONS and also do you think that comment was harmless? Also how do you think I should deal with getting nervous for future situations?

What you should do (or try to do) and what I always do whenever I feel pangs of anxiety or insecurity is focus on the connection my boyfriend and I have, how special and unique our connection IS and that there is no way he would ever find the type of connection he has with ME with another woman.  Not that I am 'special' or he is 'special' but rather we are special together.  This ONS he had, what was that?  A one time fleeting thing, an opportunity, a way for him to drown out his pain over your breakup.    In other words, nothing.  Especially when you compare it to what you have, the connection you share together.  Assuming you DO have that close special connection.  My boyfriend and I do so it's easy to focus on that and dismiss other women, his ex's or whomever.  

But if you don't feel that strong connection, then of course you are going to focus on this other woman, their ONS.  And if that's what's happening then time to re-evaluate and decide if he and this relationship is the right man and relationship for you.

Edited November 4, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[jessiewilliams]

14 hours ago, glows said:

To be realistic this may fade in time if you both had more to go on as a couple. Living or maintaining a long distance relationship stalls a lot of growth in the relationship that might otherwise happen in person. You may feel you're not moving past this because you're not moving at a pace that other couples would without the distance between the two of you. You'd be making more memories, building trust in your relationship and acquaintances or superficial friendships like this would not be in the forefront. 

You having trouble forgetting is a product or accumulation of all factors in this scenario.. a make up of the choices you've made to stay in this relationship. If you really do want to move past this and grow forwards together, then think of possibilities of doing it together as a couple in person and moving on with your lives. Living in this limbo is only stalling and preventing you from being happy or happier than you would otherwise be.

It is long distance but we do see each other alot (when we meet we stay together for afew weeks at a time) and usually only have 2-3 weeks apart each time. So we do have experience of 'living' together and we have also lived together previously during covid. Good advice though, we have planned to move closer together in the next year or so because at the moment it is working well but obviously at some point this would have to progress.

[jessiewilliams]

11 hours ago, Alpaca said:

If it was someone you didn't know, it might not feel so personal. Every time you see or hear about his "crutch" now, you'll wonder where it's been.

I'm not sure how you get over it other than to admit that you don't like it and realize that it was beyond your control.

I understand she was there after your breakup, but she's made her presence known by conversing with your partner, so she's in both of your life.

Do you think that he welcomes it or is it more her? Why is he receiving messages from her exactly?

 

He isn't receiving any messages from her! We went to an event where she was there and she made the one weird comment to him whilst we were there in person. He told me about it after.

[jessiewilliams]

9 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

 

But from what I can read that's not the case at all.  From what she's said they were at one meeting where all of them were present.  The rest is just her anxiety about it.

OP, I don't know what else you can do but wait for this anxiety to fade in time.  If he hasn't cheated on you while you were together then there's really no reason for you to feel anxious.  When both of you were an option, he chose you.  When you took yourself out of the equation, he chose her.

Exactly - this is the situation (thank you for confirming) they have mutual friends so this is the only reason we saw her at the 1 event.

This is good advice thank you - I think it is just something I will have to learn to deal with and not stress over!!

[jessiewilliams]

7 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

What you should do (or try to do) and what I always do whenever I feel pangs of anxiety or insecurity is focus on the connection my boyfriend and I have, how special and unique our connection IS and that there is no way he would ever find the type of connection he has with ME with another woman.  Not that I am 'special' or he is 'special' but rather we are special together.  This ONS he had, what was that?  A one time fleeting thing, an opportunity, a way for him to drown out his pain over your breakup.    In other words, nothing.  Especially when you compare it to what you have, the connection you share together.  Assuming you DO have that close special connection.  My boyfriend and I do so it's easy to focus on that and dismiss other women, his ex's or whomever.  

But if you don't feel that strong connection, then of course you are going to focus on this other woman, their ONS.  And if that's what's happening then time to re-evaluate and decide if he and this relationship is the right man and relationship for you.

This is super useful thank you so much. I think you have really understood what is stressing me out! I do definitely feel a strong connection - I think it is perhaps personal insecurities that make me think about the ONS and get worried over it. Also I think it is the fact I have had to see her in person and probably will have to again in the future. If it was a random girl then this would be different as I wouldn't have reminders of her from social media/mutual friends etc.

Thank you for your advice - I feel better today and am definitely going to try and move past this!

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, jessiewilliams said:

He isn't receiving any messages from her! We went to an event where she was there and she made the one weird comment to him whilst we were there in person. He told me about it after.

Okay.

That makes more sense now, doesn't it?

It's great that he's so open, but may it be best if he doesn't inform you about these kinds of things unless you feel it's essential that he does so even if you don't ask?

Perhaps this can assist you in "forgetting about the situation."