Girl I'm dating has suddenly gone cold and distant

[viking37]

I've been dating this girl a few months. Generally she is very communicative initating conversations, keeping them going, sending me photos as icebreakers etc. She also regularly suggests meeting up. We often discuss future activities on our dates and often she will bring them up after our dates and suggest we do X at the weekend etc. 

We slept together for the first time two weeks ago (she is Turkish so a little conservative) and spent the whole of the next day together basically glued to each other and she was acting lovely dovey and since then she's been texting me even more frequently inviting me to a Halloween event last Wednesday and wanting to see me last Friday even though we'd already made plans for the weekend. 

Friday was a little strange. She had a bit too much to drink and was starting conversations with guys in the bar and introducing me as her friend and failing to notice the guys were very obviously excluding me. In the end I told her that I was leaving and she could either come with me or stay with her new friends and walked away. She ran after me and said she didn't realize I was uncomfortable and wasn't interested in any of the guys and was just trying to make new friends because she is new to London. I told her she was being naive and the guys weren't looking for friends and it was disrespectful to me to talk to random guys when she is on a date with me. She said she came with me and is leaving with me and we could go back to her place. And we had sex.

Saturday she wanted to meet up again. We'd discussed another Halloween event and she wanted to go to this true. I was a little wary after her bar antics and told her OK but you introduce me as your date and you are there to spend time with me and not collect new friends. She said OK. Dinner was nice but when we got to the bar she seemed bored and distracted and kept staring vacantly into space. Eventually she saw I was a bit upset and I said I was feeling tired. I took her home and she was still a bit distant and at the door offered her cheek. She then texted me saying "Sorry I was just feeling tired after late night last night". I said "Yeah me too. Maybe we should have called it a night after dinner. But it was interesting to see the cool bar". She ignored this.

Sunday afternoon I text her "Happy Halloween". We exchange a few texts and she seems OK. Not replying as promptly as usual but it is a Sunday so figured she just had some chores wanted some me time. Monday morning she texts me asking whether I'd got the results from the DNA Ancestry test we both decided to do. We chat a bit and I mention a jazz concert we saw advertized at the weekend and said I knew the pianist and definitely wanted to go. She said "Let's go!" and I booked and she said "Great. I'll get the drinks". I said "Cool" and she let the conversation die.

Didn't hear anything from her so Tuesday evening I send her a video of some Day of the Dead dancers I saw that night. She replied "Nice dear : ) " I left it a little seeing if she'd try to make conversation but she didn't so I said "Have you been up to anything exciting or just work work work". She said "Meh. Feeling a bit down tbh. Met up with my alumni group but went home early. Need to be up early tomorrow as I have a busy day". I said "Sorry you aren't feeling too good. Let me know when you are feeling better and work quietens down". She ignored this and haven't heard anything from her since.

I am not really sure what to do. We've been seeing each other 2-3 times a week and always have plans for the weekend and she is invariably the one who brings them up and wants to plan.

Is it worth giving her some space and waiting to see if she will get back in touch when she is in a better mood. Or is she giving me the brush off and just giving me excuses (tired/busy/depressed) to get me to leave her alone and excuse her for not wanting to talk to me? We've been spending a lot of time together and at the weekend it maybe started to feel she was bored of me especially as I'm not really a bar person so maybe didnt seem as fun as the people around her. 

 

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, viking37 said:

Friday was a little strange. She had a bit too much to drink and was starting conversations with guys in the bar and introducing me as her friend and failing to notice the guys were very obviously excluding me. In the end I told her that I was leaving and she could either come with me or stay with her new friends and walked away. She ran after me and said she didn't realize I was uncomfortable and wasn't interested in any of the guys and was just trying to make new friends because she is new to London. I told her she was being naive and the guys weren't looking for friends and it was disrespectful to me to talk to random guys when she is on a date with me. She said she came with me and is leaving with me and we could go back to her place. And we had sex.

 

Good, she was doing that to see how you would react and you did the right thing.  You can't tolerate disrespect like that.  Strongest negotiating position is having the ability to walk away.  This *could* be a red flag as far as her behavior, so I would remember this.

I think women just are hot and cold sometimes.  I've never dated anyone that's crazy in love all the time, it ebbs and flows.  Everyone gets tired of being around someone ALL the time.  You ever hear the phrase "how can I miss you if you won't ever go away?" 

When she isn't being very communicative, just sit back.  Chasing harder is just going to make things worse.

Edited November 3, 2021 by dramafreezone

[viking37]

Mmm so you don't necessarily think it is over between us? 

There have been a few occasions in the past when she'd give me the silent treatment for days. But generally if I waited a few days then texted her asking her out she'd accept and I'd later find out what she was upset about. But I cannot pinpoint anything this time. Sunday she was a bit quiet but I figured she was just getting stuff done and catching up with other friends. 

Monday she seemed OK texting me first thing in the morning and agreeing to go a jazz concert next Friday and offering to pay for drinks. I said "Cool". and didn't hear anything else until I texted her on Tuesday and she says she is feeling down and has a busy day tmrw. I tell her to let me know when she is feeling better and work pressures ease but she doesn't acknowledge by reply and have heard nothing from her today. And this is a girl who usually texts me constantly. So I am a little confused.

 

 

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, viking37 said:

Mmm so you don't necessarily think it is over between us? 

There have been a few occasions in the past when she'd give me the silent treatment for days. But generally if I waited a few days then texted her asking her out she'd accept and I'd later find out what she was upset about. But I cannot pinpoint anything this time. Sunday she was a bit quiet but I figured she was just getting stuff done and catching up with other friends. 

Monday she seemed OK texting me first thing in the morning and agreeing to go a jazz concert next Friday and offering to pay for drinks. I said "Cool". and didn't hear anything else until I texted her on Tuesday and she says she is feeling down and has a busy day tmrw. I tell her to let me know when she is feeling better and work pressures ease but she doesn't acknowledge by reply and have heard nothing from her today. And this is a girl who usually texts me constantly. So I am a little confused.

 

 

Well it's not over until one of you says it is.

She's pulling back.  I think people (women or men) pull back when they've lost attraction.  I think it's normal and happens at some point or another with all couples.

The thing where I think a lot of guys mess up is they think they need to pursue harder when she's pulling away.  More often than not you need to pull back yourself.  It's not a game, but it's like I said above, people need space to miss your presence.  And we just don't appreicate what we have in abundance.  Right now she has *you* in abundance so she can't appreciate it as much.  If you continue on this track you're going to smother her and snuff out all attraction, at which point it will be over.

Think of it like this; a relationship is like a farming field.  The crops extract nutrients from the soil, just like you extract resources (time) from her and her from you.  At some point those nutrients are exhausted and you need to allow a fallow time (where nothing is being planted) for the soil to replenish its nutrients and be ready for a fruitful crop.  Not a perfect analogy, but you get the point, people in a relationship need breathing room so that each can recharge and be their best for one another.

Only thing I think you can do is pull back and wait for her to reach out.  She probably doesn't know why she's feeling the way she does, except that she has nothing to give to you right now.  She'll communicate when she's ready, you can't force it.  In the meantime live your life.

Edited November 3, 2021 by dramafreezone

[FMW]

10 hours ago, viking37 said:

She said "Meh. Feeling a bit down tbh. Met up with my alumni group but went home early. Need to be up early tomorrow as I have a busy day". I said "Sorry you aren't feeling too good. Let me know when you are feeling better and work quietens down". She ignored this and haven't heard anything from her since.

If I read correctly, this was all just 24 hours (or around 30, depending on where you are).  

She let you know she was feeling "meh" and that she had a busy day ahead.  Your response did not require an immediate response from her.  

I would give her some space and not reach out to her again until you contact her about arrangements for your jazz concert plans.  You asked her to let you know when she was free, so leave it there in her hands.  She may just have a lot of things going on that are distracting her and not putting her in a good mood.

She did NOT treat you well when you were out, and it's great that you called her on that.  

Focus on other things and try to put her out of your mind for a bit.  You have weekend plans, so that will be the test.      

[Gaeta]

Was it the first time she gave other men attention while out with you? 

[spiderowl]

Hard to know here.  She could just be feeling down but it sounds like a departure from her previous behaviour.

I guess she wanted to flirt the other night and you expressed your disapproval at her behaviour.  I am not judging you for this; most would find it disrespectful.

You also insisted she introduce you as her date at the Halloween event.  Quite honestly, although I can see where this came from, it is too much for early dating.  If she goes somewhere with you, she does not have to explain her relationship with you.  It is early days: others will make their own assumptions about your relationship and you are both finding out if you want to become a couple.

I think she is just looking for fun and she knows there is no leeway with you.  You are serious and are going to restrict her from flirting.  I think she has cooled off because it seemed to be getting serious too fast and she felt constrained.  Something for you to bear in mind is that she was flirting a lot while with you, which is not exactly polite, and so is probably nowhere near as serious about this relationship as you seem to be.  In other words, you were incompatible.

I think if you are looking for a serious relationship, you should have dropped her when she started flirting, not tried to control her behaviour.  While control might be an attempt to preserve the relationship, most women do not like it and it sends up red flags.  I would not flirt with strangers when out with someone.  I might chat with them pleasantly if people were being sociable but would of course include my date.  If my date started to tell me what I should/should not be doing, he would be gone.

Edited November 4, 2021 by spiderowl

[chillii]

Try it with some women next time your out , prettttyyy sure she won't be all that understanding when it's you and other women. But then that's tit for tat and not a nice thing to resort too butttt, just sayin.

She shouldn't need to or be looking to flirt that's such bullthyt, when she has a bf already and especially with him right there. How old is she but at any rate , l don't think she's ready for anything serious, at least not with you two.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she's not looking to get serious with you. 

For her, it's just some fun but she seems to be losing interest now. If you're hoping for more, I don't think this is your gal. 

[viking37]

Yeah I think you guys could be on to something. I was maybe a bit heavyhanded telling her to refer to me as my date and came across as controlling. In my mind "my date" is an innocuous and factually correct label and implies no commitment beyond that evening but gives people the message she is with me whereas if she introduces me as a friend of course drunk horny guys feel she is fair game. But I guess if in her mind she is more comfortable thinking of me as a friend I have to accept that. 

She's made it clear she is taking a "let's see what lies ahead" approach. So maybe thinking of me as her friend is her way of taking the pressure off herself. We still seem to be moving forward. We've started sleeping together. She's showing more affection. She's wanting to spend more and more time with me. So I am OK with the label. Or at least I was until using that label basically told the guys in the bar she was available and they tried to steal her away. But I guess all I did was encourage her to go to bars without me if she realizes I won't let her flirt with other guys on my watch. So it does seem like it was a major blunder on my part which might explain why her interest has cooled.

Also I do not think she saw anything wrong in what she was doing. In her mind she was just being sociable and the guys started a conversation with her and she wasn't interested in them and therefore it was harmless on her part. She mentioned her ex didn't like her having male friends. So maybe she is starting to think I will be the same and restrict her freedom. 

Our jazz plans are for next Friday. It is a jazz festival so tickets book up fast. She seemed to have no problem committing to it. But because she's gone quiet on me we haven't got any plans for the weekend. Although maybe that is no bad thing. It gives her a break from me and some freedom and maybe a chance to miss me a little. 

 

 

 

[FMW]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

She mentioned her ex didn't like her having male friends.

If she acted the same way when she was out with him that might explain why.  

Yes, maybe you were heavy handed with telling her to introduce you as her date.  But her actions previously should have served as a signal to you of how she sees your relationship.  It would probably be best to lower your expectations and decide whether or not you're still interested.

[Gaeta]

Women want a label with men they like and want to keep in their life. A woman not wanting a 'gf' label after 5 months is not serious about you. It's not a marriage it's just dating exclusively and you can get out of it anytime.

Even though she dates you, sleeps with you, she wants to be seen as single when she's out there.

My theory is:  since you slept together she probably felt you were growing more serious so she put you back where she wants you, which is not too close, not too much expectation.

[ExpatInItaly]

48 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

My theory is:  since you slept together she probably felt you were growing more serious so she put you back where she wants you, which is not too close, not too much expectation.

 This is my take, too. 

[viking37]

It has barely been 2 months. And I think maybe there are some cultural misunderstandings. She doesn't really get the concept of dating. In her country you are either friends or boyfriend/girlfriend and they take relationships a bit more seriously and I think it is quite common for them to start off as friends and move into a relationship. Also sex is a bigger deal over there and after having sex together I did notice she was texting me a lot more often and wanting to see me a lot more regularly. She also made me wait a month for sex. She invited me to a Halloween event last Wednesday and then even though we already had plans for Saturday she wanted to see me on Friday as well. 

But maybe a combination of having sex together, spending a lot more time together and my mistake in challenging her on the friends label is making her think things are getting a bit too serious for her and she is not sure what she wants or if she is ready for anything. She mentioned at the weekend her friend asked how it was going between us and had a dream about her and me in a castle. So maybe she is getting a bit of pressure from her friends as well. Apparently in the summer they were betting she would get engaged before Christmas. And when we went for a staycation she stole a few books from a "School of Life" series with titles "How to Find Love" and "How to Find Your Partner" and Sunday evening she sent me a photo of a page with "deathbed questions" trying to elicit values with the idea that partners should share the same values. I didn't answer and changed the subject and she let it drop. 

But I get the sense she doesn't know what she wants and is still getting over her divorce but is also conscious she is 32 and in her culture that is an age where you are expected to be married and most of her friends are married but at the same time she is an outgoing girl who likes to go out and clearly enjoys male attention and it seems her ex didn't like her having male friends.

I don't know really. I do feel that to her I am maybe a stop gap. A safe guy that allows her to get her feet wet again after her divorce and provide her with company as she is new in the city and probably feels a bit lonely. So I am trying to stay emotionally detached and manage my expectations and until now it was going fine as she was very communicative, wanting to spend a lot of time with me and sleeping with me. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, viking37 said:

She doesn't get the concept of dating. I get the sense she doesn't know what she wants and is still getting over her divorce

Does this make any sense to you? She likes that you buy her tons of food and drink because she loves to get drunk and flirt while you pay and chauffer her.

Honestly. How much money have you blown on buying her drinks or when she orders an entire bottle of wine in fancy places (she picks) and chases it with fancy cocktails?

A couple of hookups doesn't make this "serious" by any means. Particularly when she tells you chronically if you don't do what she wants (go to expensive places and buy her drinks) she tells you she'll simply "find someone else" . 

Enjoy the ride, watch your wallet but deep down you know she's just a barfly who flirts for drinks. Has nothing to do with her "culture". 

Edited November 4, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

I date outside my culture as well and the biggest disservice l did to myself was to excuse their bad behabior on cultural differences. 

If she was THAT conservative and if there is no concept of dating in her culture, she would not have slept with you.

[viking37]

Yeah you are right. I’m probably attaching too much significance to the fact she slept with me. I mean I don’t think she sleeps around and maybe I am the first guy she’s slept with since her divorce but clearly she’s keeping her options open and sees me as a stop gap providing companionship and occasional sex while she figures out what she wants and waits for someone better to come along and maybe she figures I’m trying to lock her down or something and is pulling away for that reason 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, viking37 said:

She's made it clear she is taking a "let's see what lies ahead" approach. So maybe thinking of me as her friend is her way of taking the pressure off herself. We still seem to be moving forward. We've started sleeping together. She's showing more affection. She's wanting to spend more and more time with me. So I am OK with the label.

So she contacts you regularly, wants to spend a lot of time with you, and takes care of a lot of the planning.

All of these appear to be encouraging indicators.

Did she mention she wanted to adopt a "let's see what happens" approach, or is that your own interpretation? How long ago was her divorce?

 

 

[viking37]

She used the let’s see what lies ahead wording. That was a few weeks ago. Her divorce was a year ago but she said in the summer she was friends with a guy and he said he had feelings for her but she said she wasn’t ready for anything. But then her friends said she should join a dating app and that is how she met me and I get the impression I’m the first guy she’s been dating since her divorce (not counting the occasional date she had on the app before she warmed to me).

She mentioned she left the app and she’s seeing me two to three times a week and recently Friday and Saturday nights so can’t imagine she’s dating anyone else. 
 

And yeah it’s a big change in behaviour as the preceding few weeks she was texting me constantly and suggesting future activities playing an active role scheduling dates telling me when she was free. So she’s definitely backed off. 
 

Oh another weird thing when we went on a staycation she picked up these books called how to find love and how to find a partner and sent me on Sunday a quiz from the book called deathbed questions which is supposed to elicit your values with the idea it assesses compatibility. I said it looked cool but didn’t volunteer my answers but i found it strange she’s reading these kind of books when her actions and behaviour suggest she isn’t looking for anything serious or at least not with me

But maybe she’s kinda realised casual dating isn’t for her and wants to look for sth serious and doesn’t see any kind of future with me 

 

[Alpacalia]

If I were still in the "let's see where this goes" stage of a relationship, twice-weekly communication might suffice.

Up until this thread, you two seemed to be spending a lot more time together and conversing a lot frequently.

You need to pace her a little more.

3 hours ago, viking37 said:

She used the let’s see what lies ahead wording.

Seems she is saying, "I don't want to tell you what I want until I know if we're a good match," and then we can talk about next steps if we have strong chemistry."

So give yourself some breathing room, let things flow organically, and don't forget to keep busy doing the things you enjoy. Basically, continue doing what you were doing before meeting this person.

[FMW]

Maybe she's wanting you to put your intentions into words, and since you haven't she's distancing herself and playing it cool.

[beentheredonethat77]

Viking i would back way off.   This is a woman who is confused and while probably scared to end it completely (new city and you're her comfort zone / locked in weekend plans) -- the second she finds a new group of friends or solid support system, she'll likely end it to pursue a life of exploring her options.   

Her disrespect at the bar was illustrative of so much; the only people i know who do that type of thing are people who just arn't afraid of losing their partner.  They either have one foot out the door or they're just simply losing attraction and willing the partner to end it (because they are completely 'meh' for their partner).    Combine that with her cold distance now, i think shes just lost attraction and forcing it at this point so she still has the comforts of a relationship (when she wants it) ie, when you suggested jazz club, she was all in.   

She may be moody, she may be depressed, she may be ambivalent but all of these things dont bode well for your relationship anyway.   I would step way back, detach in your mind and lower expectations way down. 

Even better, personally, i'd start grieving the relationship now so that you can exit with dignity and self-respect (like you did the bar that evening when she "didn't notice you were being excluded "  and called you her friend ) --lies, she noticed and didn't care.  Im not saying shes a bad person, im saying shes just lost attraction and respect for whatever reason.    

Dont book jazz, dont do anything but tell her youre no longer feeling the relationship working and wish her all the best; end it.    JMHO

Edited November 4, 2021 by beentheredonethat77

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, viking37 said:

the preceding few weeks she was texting me constantly and suggesting future activities playing an active role scheduling dates telling me when she was free.

 

Maybe she got tired of being the sole planner. You never took charge of finding dates and making plans?

[Alpacalia]

58 minutes ago, FMW said:

Maybe she's wanting you to put your intentions into words, and since you haven't she's distancing herself and playing it cool.

I thought that too initially with her being so proactive with keeping in touch, expressing her desire to see him more, planning, etc.

I mean those all sound like positive signs OP.

Something to consider.

[basil67]

13 hours ago, viking37 said:

Yeah I think you guys could be on to something. I was maybe a bit heavyhanded telling her to refer to me as my date and came across as controlling.

Yes to the above.  Insisting that I introduce a person using a particular descriptive would send up a red flag for me.   If a man and a woman are out together, I think it's a reasonable assumption that they have some active or potential romantic interest.   Yes, sometimes it's not romantic, but this is a good reason to not have an opposite sex wingperson...because people will think you are together.

Now, before you walked out on her due to her rude behaviour, did you tell her how you were feeling about what she was doing?  Did you give her a chance to correct herself before you walked out?   While I think that walking out is perfectly acceptable if the behaviour is continuing despite being commented on, if (in her eyes) you escalated from 0 to 100 it could make her question how you deal with the inevitable issues which happen in a relationship.  Of course, I wasn't there and perhaps you were making it quite obvious that you'd been left out.

My next bit is written with the idea that perhaps none of the above upset her:  With her not being in contact, you said "let me know when you are feeling better".  She probably took you at face value, thinking that you were giving her space while she got her head together.  And for the record, sending someone an emoji or joke is not a conversation starter, so I can understand why conversation didn't progress from that.

Lastly, this thing about the 'deathbed confessions'.  What's this about her stealing the book....is she actually a thief or was it more of a casual arrangement with random books in a box where people leave books they've finished with and take others?    And why did you refuse to have the discussion?