Girl I'm dating has suddenly gone cold and distant

[viking37]

I plan dates too. How it usually works is she lets me know when she is free and then lets me make a nice plan and she is always complimenting me on my choice of restaurants and bars and live music venues. The Halloween events she suggested as she was very keen to do something for Halloween whereas usually I don't bother and Friday she suggested I invite her out for dinner even though we'd already been to an event Wednesday and had plans already for Saturday. And yeah I thought it was very positive that she is always talking about future activities and making it easy for me to see her regularly. I suggested the jazz for next Friday as I felt it was my turn and again I thought it was a positive she agreed even though it was 12 days in the future. So it felt a little strange she has been so quiet this week. 

But tonight she texted me saying "There are fireworks" as it is fireworks night this Friday in UK and people are already setting off fireworks. I said "yeah will be a lot more tomorrow and over the weekend". Then she said "So what is the programme lol" which is her way of saying come up with a plan for us and she seems her chatty self again peppering her texts full of emoticons and lols and so on and laughing at all my jokes. So everything feels very normal now again and we've got a date for Friday night with the plan being to grab some food, head up to a nice viewpoint to see some fireworks and then warm up in a cosy pub. 

I think I was fairly tolerant at the bar. I didnt react when I got her another drink and found her chatting to two guys next to us and even chatted to one of the guys while she continued chatting to the other one. Luckily they both left after half an hour or so. Then when she started interacting with another group of guys I was friendly to them at first and let her talk to them. But I drew the line when a few of them followed her to the bar when she went to get us another drink and the bar queue wasn't moving and I saw her giving one of them a friendly hug. I gave her ample time to brush off the guys and return to me or bring me back into the conversation when it was quite clear they were deliberately excluding me and crowding around her. But she showed no signs of doing so and therefore I felt I had to step in. 

I think pacing her is a good idea. She seems to be an all-or-nothing type of person. So either she is totally focused on me texting me constantly and wanting to see me all the time or she is caught up on other things e.g. work, other friends, personal issues etc and I don't hear much from her and it feels like she has forgotten me. And I think in general she is a pretty manic person who takes on a lot with work, social commitments, networking, social media etc. so sometimes she does seem to crash and becomes tired and withdrawn and maybe I am interpreting that as coldness/lack of interest when really it is just her shutting down out of exhaustion/depletion. Obviously I'd much rather if she was more balanced and consistent in her behaviour but I guess I just have to not take it personally in future. 

As for stating my intentions I think she knows full well that I like her and that is why she slept with me because she said that I was consistent and reliable and she felt she could trust me and also appreciated that I was patient and didn't pressure her to have sex with her. Also I am very attentive and caring and affectionate towards her.

Oh after our staycation when we slept together for the first time she sent me a sweet message something like "Thank you for such a lovely time. I feel calm and happy. Your selections were amazing and I can see your kind and gentle efforts in almost every step you take. I feel lucky followed by a white heart emoji" 

But I dunno I kinda feel she will let me know if she is ready for a relationship with me or wants us to be boyfriend/girlfriend or exclusive or at least drop pretty strong hints. 

I kinda feel Alpaca has the closest interpretation and she has already showed she is confident and assertive enough to move things forward e.g. when she felt ready for sex she suggested I book a staycatiion for us and she is taking her time to decide whether I am right for her or not. 

The books were provided in the hotel rooms. I have no idea whether they were ours to take or not. She's a lawyer so should have known better but a lot of people take bath soaps or whatever from hotel rooms so I didn't really question it. As for why I didn't answer I didn't agree with the premise i.e. that couples should have exactly the same values and if she didn't like my answers it might cast doubt in her mind so seemed a lot safer to wait for her to get distracted and move on to another subject which she did pretty quickly. 

But anyway will see how tomorrow goes. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[chillii]

Total bs l'm afraid.

l hear what Alpaca's saying and you telling of how she plans and what have you. But eh , so she likes doing stuff , that's not necessarily about you two , she's freshly divorced and wants to do stuff. But all this bs with other guys no way , something wrong there. l think by the sounds she might even go for bf gf stuff but it's not serious , a fill in. And so she's a lawyer and a divorcee, she'd def' be well aware that's no way to behave if she were really into you two.

Edited November 5, 2021 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, viking37 said:

  I think in general she is a pretty manic person who takes on a lot with work, social commitments, networking, social media etc. 

This seems accurate. She also drinks very heavily. Are you sure she's an attorney? Why does a woman this age have roommates then?

[viking37]

She is definitely an attorney and a very successful one. Clearly she subscribes to the work hard play hard philosophy but she is no longer in her 20s and she is probably heading for burnout. 

I think she is in a flatshare because she is new to the country and doesn't want to live alone. Back in her country it is usual to live with parents until you get married. And I guess if she is out most evenings it probably suits her. It is quite common in my city. 

And yeah she definitely likes doing stuff so I am not convinced all the interest in future activities together signifies romantic interest so much as she enjoys hanging out with me and knows that I can be counted on to plan fun evenings for us with good food, drink, entertainment etc. Of course I notice the irony that for a girl who claims she does not understand the dating culture she sure seems to enjoy going on them with me. Although she likes to call it "hanging out" or "meeting up" which seems to tally with her thinking me mostly as a friend that she occasionally makes out with and sleeps with when she is in the mood. So I am a little wary of declaring romantic intentions. 

[FMW]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

So I am a little wary of declaring romantic intentions. 

I can understand.

I guess you just see how things go.  Stick with it as long as you're having fun, but be ready to exit when you've had enough.

[smackie9]

Dude you got to see how she really is....she is keeping her options open. You are a "friend". That right there, if you have any dignity, would walk away for good. She is a teaser/user. She ain't all that into you. And I would put money on it she's been dating/talking to other guys. She's not GF material. If you stay you are being a doormat, and she will know she can get away with pretty much anything.

When they blow hot/cold, they should be avoided.

Edited November 5, 2021 by smackie9

[dramafreezone]

20 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Maybe she got tired of being the sole planner. You never took charge of finding dates and making plans?

Well, know we've learned that the GF is an attorney.  That's a profession that tends to attract a dominant personality.  At her job she has to tell people what to do all the time.  Taking charge is probably going to be her tendency.

Edited November 5, 2021 by dramafreezone

[viking37]

So we met up last night. It went OK. We mostly just talked.We had a bit of banter but nowhere near as much as usual. But she talked about a few future activities she wanted to do with me. I got the general impression she was making an effort to be nice but her mind was partly elsewhere and her energy seemed a bit flat compared to how manic and bubbly she usually is. She linked arms as we walked and seemed comfortable enough with my arm around her as we sat on the sofa in the pub but she wasn't really cosying up to me or showing me any real affection. So I didn't push it and we mostly just chatted as we had our drinks. I was expecting her to say she was tired and ask me to take her home and that would be the end of the evening.

But she surprised me by saying we can go back to hers and watch some Netflix. This was strange as until now she'd just let me lay a few sweet kisses on her with no making out of any description at all. So I thought maybe it would just be Netflix. But as soon as I was sat on her sofa she sat on my lap and started kissing me and without any conversation whatsoever our clothes came off and we had sex. She seemed very emotionally detached. At her place she always has the lights off so it is difficult to make eye contact but when I did her eyes seemed a bit dead. Afterwards I held her in my arms for a short while but she then said I had to go. This happened the other occasions. On previous occasions she said she didn't want her flatmates to see me in the morning but last time when I said that its normal for a woman her age to have occasional male company but she said she did not feel ready. 

What is strange is the first time we slept together during the staycation in the hotel she was all smiles making good eye contact and very chatty and the next day she was warmer and more affectionate than I have ever seen her giving me goofy looks and cosying up to me. But somehow that all stopped on subsequent dates. The second time we slept together she was obviously under the influence of alcohol and in a wild mood. The third time there were no offsetting factors (aside from perhaps whatever personal issues have been affecting her over the past week) and she seemed emotionally detached even while enjoying the physical sensations. 

But I dunno really. I kinda feel like for whatever reason she isn't emotionally available. Maybe she isn't over her divorce. Or just doesn't have romantic feelings for me and sees me just as a friend that she feels some sexual attraction towards. I think I can probably handle that for a little while longer but eventually I think just hanging out and having occasional casual sex (which is what it has been feeling like the last couple of times) will grow old. 

Is it worth maybe having some kind of conversation with her? Or would that probably just scare her off especially if she is not sure what she wants or how she feels and is maybe detaching herself emotionally on purpose?

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, viking37 said:

Is it worth maybe having some kind of conversation with her? Or would that probably just scare her off especially if she is not sure what she wants or how she feels and is maybe detaching herself emotionally on purpose?

Yes and no. 

A conversation to achieve what? 

If you hope she will change attitude with a conversation than don't even try. If it's to confirm she is not ready for a relationship I think she confirmed that with '"let's see what lies ahead" . This is typical talk for people not looking for a relationship. If you bring up the topic again you'll get another "let's see what lies ahead"  right? I don't see what a conversation will achieve. 

Edited November 6, 2021 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

Sounds like she's just looking to have some sexual healing/warm body to take the edge off.

[Alpacalia]

I'm usually in favor of getting things out there, but I'm not sure approaching a define the relationship dialogue from a place of fear is a good idea. Wait until you are self-assured and unattached to the outcome.

I'm wondering whether she became distant after that incident at the pub when you stated, "introduce me as your date, and you're here to spend time with me." Is it when you observed her disconnecting a little more?

[Saracena]

16 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I'm wondering whether she became distant after that incident at the pub when you stated, "introduce me as your date, and you're here to spend time with me." Is it when you observed her disconnecting a little more?

That's what I thought as well. She was quite happy to amble along on a casual basis, until this got her thinking..........

[viking37]

Yeah I guess it is fairly obvious she isn’t ready for anything and is probably just getting her feet wet again after healing from her divorce. 

i think she has always been a bit distant while still being very chatty and wanting to hang out a lot. The only time that changed was during our staycation where we slept together for the first time and she started showing a lot more affection and smiling and looking goofy and dizzy. She still wanted to see me a lot after that but even on the Wednesday after before the friends label argument she was more distant while still texting me a lot and wanting to spend a lot of time with me. 
 

I guess all I can do is spend less time texting and hanging out with her and stop showing her affection and treat this like a friends with benefits situation 

[viking37]

Oh something else a bit off. After a month of dating when I tried to sleep with her she commented I never offer to pay. I explained in Europe it’s common to split the bill. She disagreed and said offering to pay was a way to signal you wanted to treat the woman and maybe I could invite her out sometime or we could continue as is but no sex. I took her on a nice date and she invited me back to hers at the end of it and while on that occasion I was a bit too tired and had a bit too much to drink to perform the next date she suggested a staycation and then we did sleep together and I’ve been paying for pretty much everything ever since. 
 

But it seems to me a bit off to me for her to expect me to play the provider role when she clearly doesn’t want any kind of relationship. And also she’s been texting me a lot and wanting to see me at least twice a week which again seems incongruous with the idea of keeping things casual. 
 

i understand in her culture it’s normal for men to pay for everything but casual relationships are not part of her culture so seems she wants to have her cake and eat it with all the benefits of a boyfriend but keeping her options open and not making any kind of emotional investment 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, viking37 said:

treat this like a friends with benefits situation 

 Yes, that's what this seems like except you pay for all her drinking when you two go out.

[Calmandfocused]

Put the detail aside for a moment. All the “she text this, she planned that…” has no relevance here. Instead look at what’s driving it all. 
 

The bottom line as I see is that she is not all in. You are not a priority to her and she is using you as a “filler” depending on the situation, and depending on what is going on in her life. It is all about her. She doesn’t respect you. All the power is currently in her hands and she knows it.
 

Think about it and the fact she wants no commitment after 5 months. 
 

However instead of asserting your boundaries and standards, you enable this to continue by excusing her behaviour as “cultural differences”. This has nothing to do with cultural differences. It’s everything to do with the fact that she has you right where she wants you and is pulling all the strings. There is a clear lack of respect. 
 

Take you power back by refusing to play ball in this dynamic and communicating clearly want you want. You have the power to stop this cycle. However this “stop” point might be the end of your dealings with her. Not a bad thing IMO, 

Edited November 6, 2021 by Calmandfocused

[Alpacalia]

47 minutes ago, viking37 said:

i understand in her culture it’s normal for men to pay for everything but casual relationships are not part of her culture so seems she wants to have her cake and eat it with all the benefits of a boyfriend but keeping her options open and not making any kind of emotional investment 

Yes.

Seems like she wants to take a laid-back, "let's see where it goes" approach, but she also expects a more traditional courtship.

[viking37]

Only 2 months not 5 months.

Interesting twist. She was testing me through the day and then was on a date and went quiet for a few hours she double texted asking what I ended doing as earlier she asked me my weekend plans and I said not sure yet. Hey said went out with a friend. She said who is your friend btw. 
 

Not sure if it is sixth sense or she’s not as cool as she pretends to be. But if she can use the word friend flexibly I can too and don’t see why I should date her exclusively if she doesn’t want any commitment. 
 

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, viking37 said:

Or just doesn't have romantic feelings for me and sees me just as a friend that she feels some sexual attraction towards.

I think this is it. 

She likes you okay, but that's where it ends. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, viking37 said:

She was testing me through the day and then was on a date and went quiet for a few hours she double texted asking what I ended doing as earlier she asked me my weekend plans and I said not sure yet.

So you are both dating others and now are playing guessing games about it? It's unclear what you mean by 'testing you"?

[viking37]

So Saturday evening seemed Ok. 

She didn't text me on Sunday and as I was quite busy too I thought nothing of it and then texted her in the evening referencing one of our private jokes. She said "Sorry dear not so much in the mood today". I was a bit taken aback and replied "Sorry. I will leave you to enjoy your evening". She texted back "Sorry, where did you get the idea I am enjoying my evening. I really dislike your approach when I am not feeling well. Last week it was "inform me when you are well bye" and now "enjoy" it is really bad. Would be even better if you don't say anything. Anyway you also enjoy your evening". 

I apologized saying I didn't really know what to say because I don't really know what is bothering her and not sure the best way to cheer you up. So tell me a better approach. 

And she ignored. 

I mean Ok my choice of words was poor. But I'm not her best friend. I am not her boyfriend. She doesn't text me when she is feeling down. In fact she goes quiet. And then when I casually text her she hints she is feeling unwell while giving absolutely no indication what she wants me to do about it and then whatever I say seems to be wrong.

It really does not seem fair. 

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, viking37 said:

I mean Ok my choice of words was poor. But I'm not her best friend. I am not her boyfriend. She doesn't text me when she is feeling down. In fact she goes quiet. And then when I casually text her she hints she is feeling unwell while giving absolutely no indication what she wants me to do about it and then whatever I say seems to be wrong.

It really does not seem fair. 

I'm not sure where fairness comes into it, but if the two of you aren't vibing, it's time to just move on.  

[Alpacalia]

You don't agree on what you expect from each other, and you're acting overly anxious to establish a relationship with her and conversing with her as if you're already in one. Right now, you're still dating.

While dating without labels and limitations can be fun for a while, it is evident that you are uncomfortable with it.

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

I mean Ok my choice of words was poor. But I'm not her best friend. I am not her boyfriend. She doesn't text me when she is feeling down. In fact she goes quiet. And then when I casually text her she hints she is feeling unwell while giving absolutely no indication what she wants me to do about it and then whatever I say seems to be wrong.

It really does not seem fair. 

 

Edited November 8, 2021 by Alpaca

[Saracena]

2 hours ago, viking37 said:

So Saturday evening seemed Ok. 

She didn't text me on Sunday and as I was quite busy too I thought nothing of it and then texted her in the evening referencing one of our private jokes. She said "Sorry dear not so much in the mood today". I was a bit taken aback and replied "Sorry. I will leave you to enjoy your evening". She texted back "Sorry, where did you get the idea I am enjoying my evening. I really dislike your approach when I am not feeling well. Last week it was "inform me when you are well bye" and now "enjoy" it is really bad. Would be even better if you don't say anything. Anyway you also enjoy your evening". 

I apologized saying I didn't really know what to say because I don't really know what is bothering her and not sure the best way to cheer you up. So tell me a better approach. 

And she ignored. 

I mean Ok my choice of words was poor. But I'm not her best friend. I am not her boyfriend. She doesn't text me when she is feeling down. In fact she goes quiet. And then when I casually text her she hints she is feeling unwell while giving absolutely no indication what she wants me to do about it and then whatever I say seems to be wrong.

It really does not seem fair. 

Eh? I''m puzzled as to why you believe you have to be her best friend/boyfriend to ask her what is wrong instead of dismissing her like that? That would be a natural response of most folk in a situation like this..So I completely get where she is coming from and can see why she reacted the way she did. You don't sound as if you care that much.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, viking37 said:

She didn't text me on Sunday and as I was quite busy too I thought nothing of it and then texted her in the evening referencing one of our private jokes. She said "Sorry dear not so much in the mood today".

Why didn't you ask her why she was in a bad mood? You don't need to be someone's confident to ask why they'e  not alright. I mean if my neighbor told me she's feeling so-so i'd ask, and l'm not sleeping with her.