Girl I'm dating has suddenly gone cold and distant

[Saracena]

48 minutes ago, viking37 said:

But it is pretty clear she only bothered messaging me to have another go at me and nothing I say is going to be good enough for her. And she probably doesn't want to have the conversation face to face because its easy for her to duck out of the conversation at any point leaving me hanging or simply ignore me if she doesn't like my responses.

 

No, no and no.  A lot of assumptions here. She messaged because it is still bothering her and she wanted you to explain yourself and above all provide an opportunity for you to apologise. She probably isn't ready to with this face-to-face, yet. 

51 minutes ago, viking37 said:

She messaged me out of the blue tonight saying "I wonder why it was so difficult to ask what was wrong". I said "Happy to try to explain but would rather do so face to face". She ignored this and continued "And the way you say hope you feel well soon so you can continue having nice time with no interest in anything I may be undergoing. Incredibly hurtful and you did many times now. It did not even occur to you that something might be very off". 

 

I would read this paragraph again. You're later response 'I'm sorry you feel that way'  was the best you could do but it goes nowhere near what was wanted to hear. Far too impersonal. Instead saying 'I'm sorry you felt hurt.......followed by your reasons would have been far better.

[Girl Fade Away]

@Saracenaassuming you are correct and that is also a huge assumption, if her royal highness is not happy with the way @viking37communicates with her, if she does not think he is sensitive enough to her needs, why did she not just keep him on block?   Why rant on him again?  What was her point?  And then her sarcastic and condescending "for sure I don't feel close to open up to you so will deal with it on my own". 

YES, she should deal with it on her own, she is not a child, she is a grown adult, that is what adults do, we deal with things.   It is nice to receive support from our partners but what she expects goes over and above.  This was not a LTR it was a very short 3 months, the evaluation period.  She does not like him, she finds him emotionally lacking, insensitive to her needs, just be done with it, there is no need to continue ranting on him, that is completely dysfunctional behavior.  Not to mention hurtful, the very thing she accuses him of.

@viking37, I do not know why you bother responding to such lunacy, it is ridiculous.  My advice is to put her on block and take steps to move on.

Edited November 10, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

Just let her deal with it on her own.

You are not accountable for her emotions. If you've inadvertently hurt someone, ask them about it, talk about it, and apologize if necessary.

In any case, you shouldn't have to guess why she hasn't been feeling well.

Edited November 10, 2021 by Alpaca

[viking37]

Saracena: the thing is my reasons will probably seem lame to her and probably make her even angrier. I told her some of them explaining basically that I want her to feel OK because I don't want her to be sad or unhappy not because her feeling sad or unhappy is an inconvenience to me. And that I know it is difficult being new in the city and doing nice things with me in London seems to make her happy and feel good and that is why I put a lot of effort into planning nice evenings for us. I also said I was sorry I was not there for her while she was going through a hard time but I want to be. And I do want to know what she is going through. But she ignored all of this and just made her comment that she doesn't feel close to open up and will deal with it on her own. 

Girl Fade Away: I am a bit confused why she is doing this too. She doesn't like my "approach" or my reasons and doesn't want to accept my apology and clearly resents me and feels a lot of anger towards me and is incapable of forgiving me and has no further desire for physical or emotional intimacy with me and is keeping me at a distance. So the obvious thing for her to do would just be to break things off and find someone who she feels is more caring and sensitive rather than wasting time talking to someone she now hates. 

Also curious how this subsequent behaviour fits in with your theory that she isn't as mad as she pretends to be and is just using this as a pretext to break up with me because she lost interest/attraction and wants to justify it to herself and make it my fault? 

Alpaca: yeah she made another comment that it did not even occur to me that smth may be very off. But honestly I had no idea. All she said via text a week ago was she felt a little down tbh and then on sunday wasn't in the mood for my jokes. During that one week period I saw her ONCE last friday and while she seemed tired and low energy and not as bubbly as usual there was nothing to suggest she was going through this "very painful process" she is eluding to. 

But basically the reason I didn't ask which she will absolutely hate are that:

a) Her few comments by text seemed to indicate to me no more than the usual flux of emotions i.e. every one has down days and days when they aren't in the mood to joke around. Especially as on thursday friday and saturday she was very chatty and bubbly by text and seemed OK and as mentioned on our date on friday she seemed tired rather than depressed. It was only on sunday she said she wasn't feeling well but as she snapped at me in relation to my opening text and then criticized my approach I was feeling defensive and didn't think in the heat of the moment to ask her why she wasn't feeling well and then she abruptly ended the conversation and started ignoring me. 

b) she is always telling me about her friends what she is up to at work what she has been up to in her social life without me even having to ask. So I assumed if there was something serious going on she would tell me. And the day after she told me she was feeling down I did ask her to let me know if there was anything I could do to cheer her up mentioning I was a good listener which was my way of saying she could talk to me if she wanted to. And we were together for five hours on Friday so she had ample time to drop hints or elude to what was going on but she didn't. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, viking37 said:

Alpaca: yeah she made another comment that it did not even occur to me that smth may be very off. But honestly I had no idea. All she said via text a week ago was she felt a little down tbh and then on sunday wasn't in the mood for my jokes. During that one week period I saw her ONCE last friday and while she seemed tired and low energy and not as bubbly as usual there was nothing to suggest she was going through this "very painful process" she is eluding to. 

But basically the reason I didn't ask which she will absolutely hate are that:

a) Her few comments by text seemed to indicate to me no more than the usual flux of emotions i.e. every one has down days and days when they aren't in the mood to joke around. Especially as on thursday friday and saturday she was very chatty and bubbly by text and seemed OK and as mentioned on our date on friday she seemed tired rather than depressed. It was only on sunday she said she wasn't feeling well but as she snapped at me in relation to my opening text and then criticized my approach I was feeling defensive and didn't think in the heat of the moment to ask her why she wasn't feeling well and then she abruptly ended the conversation and started ignoring me. 

b) she is always telling me about her friends what she is up to at work what she has been up to in her social life without me even having to ask. So I assumed if there was something serious going on she would tell me. And the day after she told me she was feeling down I did ask her to let me know if there was anything I could do to cheer her up mentioning I was a good listener which was my way of saying she could talk to me if she wanted to. And we were together for five hours on Friday so she had ample time to drop hints or elude to what was going on but she didn't. 

Let's take a step back for a moment.

You’re looking for answers to rationalize her behavior. 

This was two months of dating. 

Consider this: do you believe this is a typical chain of events when someone is simply not feeling well? There's more to it than that.

Something set her off, and I suspect it has little to do with you.

Whatever the case may be - if she were comfortable enough to share with you why she's been feeling unwell she would have.

She's choosing not to share with you why she hasn't been feeling well but also wanting you to console her. 

If that's the case, she can share with you whenever she's ready. Then go about the rest of your life.

Edited November 10, 2021 by Alpaca

[ExpatInItaly]

Good grief, OP. 

All this drama and extra noise can be boiled down very simply: you are not a match with this person.

Period. 

[Girl Fade Away]

@viking37this going to sound crazy but I mentioned this thread to my boyfriend last night and he told me when he was dating before meeting me, he dated a few lawyers and other strong successful women, and they played this same game with him too.  He eventually came to learn they were testing him, testing how strong HE was, if he had the backbone to stand up to them and the BS they were giving him.

You see,, he was a bit of softie like you, apologizing, being nice, trying to smooth things over and that annoyed them even more!  Just like what is happening here.  The nicer and more understanding you try to be, offering to talk in person, the more annoyed and turned off she is!  She sees you as weak, a pushover. 

Then my boyfriend  learned how to stand up to women, stand up for HIMSELF and called them out their s***.  And low and behold, it turned it around, the women began respecting him even chasing him! 

I do not know if it a conscious thing some women do, but he said it happened a few times with strong successful women.  The short of it is, stop apologizing and  trying to 'make nice.'  You have done NOTHING wrong.  She is either extremely needy and needs to be coddled emotionally OR expected you to read her mind and her emotions whiie reserving the right to remain quiet and expect you to guess and then rant on you when you were unable to.  OR, she was itching for a fight to test how strong you are.  

As an anecdote, I have off days myself, and can get a little bit moody and quiet.  I usually tell my boyfriend when feeling this way and his response is "I'm sorry babe, I am here if you want to talk "  which I usually do NOT, I deal with it myself and it passes.  

I do NOT require him to guess what is wrong or probe into what is wrong and think of a thousand ways to fix it, he is my boyfriend NOT my therapist.  

Your responses validating her feelings that she was feeling off were fine.  No need to probe and dive further into it, if she wanted to talk to you about it like a grown adult, she would have.  

But it also could be what I posted at the beginning of this VERY long post, she was testing you, how strong you are, and if you had the moxie and backbone to stand up to her, call her out.  There ARE who play that game sad to say.  

Edited November 10, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[viking37]

Girl Fade Away: I think you might be on to something. She's definitely an alpha female type in her job and likes to talk about people she work with often see her as a b****. And she is from a culture where the men are more macho. And I think also possibly flirting with the guys in the bar might have been a test as well. So probably she is worried I am a softie and trying to test my limits and losing attraction as I continue to try to placate her. And this would all be consistent with her generally seeming less into me over the past few weeks which I noticed even before her accusations about me not asking what was wrong. And while she keeps saying she is upset and hurt really she sounds more angry and annoyed and aggressive which is also more consistent with your interpretation.

Assuming your interpretation is correct how do you suggest I deal with it if she decides to have another go at me tonight? I have already apologized and asked what was wrong to no effect. And there seems to be no point explaining myself as she will characterize everything as either a BS excuse or find my reasons selfish. And really this has gone on for a few days now and she should have reached the point where she either calms down and forgives me and is ready to move forward or realize that she cannot forgive me and move on. 

[Girl Fade Away]

29 minutes ago, viking37 said:

Assuming your interpretation is correct how do you suggest I deal with it if she decides to have another go at me tonight? 

I do not know but will repeat what I wrote in previous post: 

Then my boyfriend  learned how to stand up to women, stand up for HIMSELF and called them out their s***.  And low and behold, it turned it around, the women began respecting him even chasing him.

@Viking37  no one can teach you how to be strong and have backbone.  That you need to learn yourself.  But for starts, stop apologizing!  

However, my advice now is to just NEXT her.  She has anger and other issues and you are NOT compatible.  If I may ask, what is it you find appealing about ANY of this?  Whether she is emotionally needy or as you said, a *****.   Why are you still trying to fix this?  I would take some time off to figure this out, figure yourself out.  This is now more about you, than her.  I wish you luck Viking37.

 

Edited November 10, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Gaeta]

Why do you still want to date that woman? She's not even nice to you. 

[Alpacalia]

I'm also wondering as to why you haven't moved on at this point.

Are you hoping to garner her trust in order to have another hook-up?

[Girl Fade Away]

I very highly doubt this girl would ever be up to another hook up.  She has lost all respect for him.  In fact, reading how she speaks to you Viking, it might have reached the point where she feels repulsed.   Unfortunately that is what happens sometimes.  First we lose respect and after some time when a man continues trying to placate us with apologies and making nice, it escalates to repulsion.  This is where she may be now.  I cannot imagine why else she would unblock you and rant on you the way she did.  That goes way beyond mere annoyance.  

Please leave this girl alone.  Place her on block and delete her number.  Take steps to move on.  This will not get any better.

Adding:  If this were a man doing this to a woman, some would describe it as a form of mental abuse and I would have to agree.  A person does not need to use cuss words for it to be mental abuse.  But the tone of her words, blocking and then unblocking for the sole purpose of continuing her RANT, to me that is mental abuse.  Ask yourself why you find this acceptable enough to want to continue dating her. She sounds horrible.

Edited November 10, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[glows]

My general read on this hasn't quite changed. It was mentioned elsewhere (not on this forum) that she was newly divorced and that she lives with roommates and works in a male-dominated and/or stressful work environment is probably adding to her chagrin overall and lack of interest or any deeper interest in dating you. There is nothing wrong with you except that your self-esteem just gets lower and lower the longer you spend time trying to jump through hoops to impress her. I think she has other issues to deal with at the moment and she likely doesn't feel comfortable talking about her personal issues around you. You are the man she dates casually while she puts her life back together. 

[viking37]

Yeah even I realise it’s time to fold. I let her suck me in with the guilt trip when I should have probably apologised once and ignored her further attempts to rant at me. Maybe if I’d done that she’d have eventually calmed down. But anyway probably for the best. 
 

Thanks for all the help 

[viking37]

Well she texted me tonight. Hardly a surprise but still hurts like hell. How could I show her intimacy when she has always been very distant and never opened up to me? How could I possibly know something has gone wrong in her f***ing life when all she said was she felt a little down tbh and wasn't in the mood for my joke and she wouldnt tell me when I finally asked her what was wrong? And how can I reconcile my approach to hers when she never when I asked her told me what approach she suggested? 

I know we are not compatible and she is in no right state of mind for anything right now. But I really liked her and cared about her and she was very important to me and I really made an effort. 

"U understand absolutely nothing. I try to be as good as possible, but I would have expected to see intimacy, U still have no idea what i am going through and u still say its just that I am upset with you. I think we are very different from each other. I am sorry but I would have expected you, especially you, to be there for me leaving things aside and really trying to see what has gone wrong in my f***ing life. And I see we wont be able to reconcile our approaches. This makes me feel like I was not important for you. So, I think its best if we just go separate ways. I cannot handle any more negativity in my life right now. And will block bec i really do not want to talk , just dont have the energy whatsoever. Thanks for all your efforts. Appreciated."

[Girl Fade Away]

Good grief Viking.  Either do not respond at all or act indifferent and text back "I feel the same, all the best."  Then BLOCK. Do NOT apologize.   My guess is she is looking for an argument, a fight..  She is bored and wants you to get defensive so she can fight with you.  You posted she is an aggressive 'alpha' chick, the men in her country are macho.  These angry rants are her attempt to bring the fight out of you, the 'macho' out of you.  This is what turns her on.    Whatever you do, do NOT get defensive or argue with her.  "I feel the same, wish you the best" OR ignore her completely.  Locate your self respect and make a promise to yourself to never allow a woman you have only dated a couple of months to treat you this way.  Like I said it is a form of mental abuse and not acceptable.  

If she wanted to end it fine, her guilt-inducing accusations were OUT OF LINE and unnecessary.  Good riddance.

 

Edited November 11, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Saracena]

17 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

   My guess is she is looking for an argument, a fight..  She is bored and wants you to get defensive so she can fight with you.  You posted she is an aggressive 'alpha' chick, the men in her country are macho.  These angry rants are her attempt to bring the fight out of you, the 'macho' out of you.  This is what turns her on.   

 

A fight? Why on earth is she only wanted a fight would she block him then. Doesn't make an ounce of sense to me..

[Girl Fade Away]

11 minutes ago, Saracena said:

A fight? Why on earth is she only wanted a fight would she block him then. Doesn't make an ounce of sense to me..

I do not believe for one second she plans on blocking him.  She added that for emphasis it is the ultimate insult.  OR she will do what she did before, block and unblock.  People who are serious about blocking do not announce it to the person.  They just do it.  Psychology 101.

Edited November 11, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry things didn't work out between the two of you.

She clearly has things going on that she needs to sort through.

You did the best you could with what you had.

[jspice]

There’s no need for such drama. Blocking. Arguing. It’s excessive. You don’t understand her and she doesn’t get you.

If she’s going through something there’s no need to namecall and vilify her. Just wish her well and move on. 

[viking37]

She blocked me immediately after sending her last message. I guess she announced it because she maybe felt guilty for doing so the first time without any warning and wanted to explain she did so because she thought I might try to respond and justify myself and she was feeling too emotional and overwhelmed to continue the conversation. But difference this time is "think we should go our separate ways" and "won't be able to reconcile our approaches" which make it pretty clear it is over and she thinks it is impossible to work it out with me. 

Not so sure about the interpretation she is looking for a fight or testing me. She seems to genuinely feel like she has been wronged and neglected by me and misunderstood. And the wording just seems too extremely emotional and dramatic to possibly be calculated. 

It also seems to be a big thing for her that I wasn't able to read her mind or somehow instinctively know the "right approach" to firstly give her exactly what she needed in terms of intimacy/emotional support and secondly make things right between us after she pointed out my failings. 

Of course the irony is it never felt that I was that important to her or that she cared about me at all. Aside from the date prior to us sleeping together and our staycation she never showed me any real affection and was cold and distant over the last few weeks. Presumably I was supposed to deduce this was because something was very wrong in her life but it just felt as though she wasn't that interested and for her it was just about food, drink, entertainment and occasional sex. On a few occasions I told her I really liked her and she didn't reciprocate. She kicked me out of her place after sex with some excuse about not wanting her roommates to see me which just made it feel like a hook up. 

And I feel as though if she had any real feelings for me even if she did feel hurt that I didn't ask what was wrong without her having to tell me to do so she wouldn't be able to walk away so easily. We are talking just a week of what she interprets as emotional neglect but was really me just being confused and not really understanding what was going on and feeling too shy to ask. I can understand how over a longer period feeling neglected might lead someone to break things off. 

As a counterpoint look at all the crap I've put up with from her over an extended period but I didnt walk away because fool that I am I have strong feelings for her. 

And while perhaps over the last week I was a bit dismissive and failed to pay attention to the hints she dropped for the rest of the time we've known each other I have given her so much attention and put so much effort into showing her a nice time, keeping her company, and looking after her. 

She even explained when we slept together it was because she felt I was consistent and reliable and she could trust me. And during that staycation together it really felt something could develop as we were both so affectionate with one another and after sleeping together spent the whole of the next day together. 

But my interpretation is she was never that sure about me and never that into me and definitely not ready for anything and the last week or so gave her something concrete to explain to herself why she had these doubts about me and hadn't developed any romantic feelings and she would have probably ended it in a cool manner but whatever else is going on in her life is causing her to do it in an overly dramatic manner and she's also in the process probably taking out a lot of anger on me which would have been more appropriately directed at whatever people in her life are probably the cause of her current angst. And I have a very strong suspicion it is her ex-husband who she is still in contact with and she mentioned from time to time. 

And what she doesn't understand is the last 3-4 days have been completely nerve wracking for me. My anxiety levels have shot through the roof because I have had no idea what is going on and it all escalated so incredibly fast. Last Friday we were sleeping together. Saturday she was texting me non stop making jokes and asking what I was up to at the weekend and who I was hanging out with etc and telling me what she was up to with her girlfriend who was visiting her. Then Sunday evening everything kicked off and she starts ignoring me. Monday evening she blocks me. Tuesday she unblocks me and it seems as though she is giving me the chance to explain myself and apologize but I quickly realize that whatever I say will be given a negative and selfish interpretation. 

So maybe I just stupidly put myself in the firing line when something set her off and she decided to use me as a punching bag because she felt unable to express her anger at whoever is reallly hurting her (probably her ex).

Because I simply dont believe I hurt her that much simply because I do not think she had any real feelings for me. 

Edited November 11, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[LynneVicious]

I think you’ve got it about right. Maybe it was unbalanced with you being more into her than her you. When there’s a large imbalance like that, the one who cares the most gets the most hurt. 

At this point, it’s a moot point to try and figure out her mindset. It’s over. And now you need to move on. 

You sound like a nice guy! You live in a large city so I’m sure you can find someone you vibe better with and someone who reciprocates your feelings. 

[viking37]

Well she’s unblocked me already but without any message yet. She seems in a pattern of ranting in the evening when and when she’s said what she wants to say to prevent me responding she blocks me. 

[elaine567]

Why don't you just block her and stop all your anxiety?
Trouble is she is "hot" and guys all over the world  will put  with all kinds of "craziness" and even serious mental health issues from "hot women".

[Saracena]

8 hours ago, jspice said:

. You don’t understand her and she doesn’t get you.

If she’s going through something there’s no need to namecall and vilify her. Just wish her well and move on. 

Exactly. Put simply, neither of you can relate to the other in a way the other actually understands. This is very important and something she herself recognizes. Basically you are very different people.

OP I'm sorry to hear you are hurting but  I wouldn't engage with her any further. If she does contact you again, just ignore it. For your own peace of mind you need to take a break from all this right now. All this back and forth isn't doing you any good, or indeed getting you anywhere. In fact it making you feel worse!

Edited November 11, 2021 by Saracena