Girl I'm dating has suddenly gone cold and distant

[spiderowl]

13 hours ago, viking37 said:

Well she’s unblocked me already but without any message yet. She seems in a pattern of ranting in the evening when and when she’s said what she wants to say to prevent me responding she blocks me. 

She sounds unstable. 

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Pull your big boy pants on and block her so that you can both recover.   Refusing to block her just makes it look like you're enjoying all of the drama.  You're not in a moral high ground here.

I agree.

OP I think this is more about your ego at this point, more so than anything else.

Edited November 12, 2021 by Alpaca

[viking37]

She texted me 11.30pm last night when I was sleeping 

"Sorry that i have not been great in handling the situation. But u also made it harder while trying to be polite. But dont feel bad pls."

Not quite sure how to respond to this. Obviously she seems to have calmed down and has gained some perspective. And difficult to argue with the first two sentences while third one shows some consideration for my feelings although perhaps a little patronizing instructing me how to feel.

Feels like she wants to make peace or at least not fight with me anymore. But I probably need to be careful how I respond because she's probably still feeling sensitive and the wrong choice of words might set her off again.

I guess something like "It's OK. I know. And I wont" but in a slightly more elegant way. And that then leaves it up to her to decide how she wants to move forward given technically she suggested going our separate ways  and hasn't indicated she has changed her mind and she's ignored suggestions to meet up and repeatedly told me she doesnt want to talk underlining it by blocking me twice. 

Maybe "Its OK. I should have handled the situation better as well. And thanks I'll try not to" which I think about covers it all. Although it might be an error agreeing with her that there was a "situation" so maybe better to say "I should have handled things better as well" instead which is more neutral. 

Thoughts?

 

 

Edited November 12, 2021 by viking37

[viking37]

Basil 67: she was not my girlfriend. And it is speculation on my part that she is attached to me. Honestly I do not have a clue how she feels about me. 

She repeatedly uses the friend label. But I don't think she wants casual and I don't think she wants serious and quite frankly I don't think she has a clue what she wants. 

Technically we've been dating for 2 months with neither party asking for a commitment. 

But she seems to have a lot of expectations! e.g. seeing intimacy (no idea what she means by this!), being there for her, wanting to be important to me....which really in my mind are things you'd want from a boyfriend not some guy you've been hanging out with for a few months while seeing what lies ahead. 

And maybe we've both been struggling with the lack of clarity and that has contributed to the situation. 

 

[basil67]

 

45 minutes ago, viking37 said:

Basil 67: she was not my girlfriend. And it is speculation on my part that she is attached to me. Honestly I do not have a clue how she feels about me. 

She repeatedly uses the friend label. But I don't think she wants casual and I don't think she wants serious and quite frankly I don't think she has a clue what she wants. 

Technically we've been dating for 2 months with neither party asking for a commitment. 

But she seems to have a lot of expectations! e.g. seeing intimacy (no idea what she means by this!), being there for her, wanting to be important to me....which really in my mind are things you'd want from a boyfriend not some guy you've been hanging out with for a few months while seeing what lies ahead. 

And maybe we've both been struggling with the lack of clarity and that has contributed to the situation. 

I think your speculation is 100% correct.  Heck, I got it wrong because her actions were that of a girlfriend who's boyfriend was being uncaring. Question is, if you were to continue talking to her, where do you think this is going to end?   Clearly, she can't handle casual (and this isn't a criticism because many can't do casual).  But by the same token, if she becomes your girlfriend, you've seen what type of crazy she's capable of.

I think you shouldn't respond to her message. But if you must, make it a non inflammatory response of "This casual thing really isn't working for us.  I think it's best if we go in our own separate ways"

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

Obviously she seems to have calmed down and has gained some perspective. And difficult to argue with the first two sentences while third one shows some consideration for my feelings although perhaps a little patronizing instructing me how to feel.

Feels like she wants to make peace or at least not fight with me anymore. But I probably need to be careful how I respond because she's probably still feeling sensitive and the wrong choice of words might set her off again.

Sure. She's calmed down for now and gained perspective until the next explosion. And you notice she can't simply say sorry and leave it at that? She still manages to find fault with you in the midst of her apology. IMO, your best option has always been to block. I still think it's your best bet.

[basil67]

True that ^  

An apology followed by a 'but' is not an apology

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

Thoughts?

Time to stop beating the dead horse. 

It shouldn't be this complicated so early.

[viking37]

Yeah. Second sentence wasn't great. 

Also did not like the last sentence "But don't feel bad pls". Seems quite lazy especially considering all the effort she put into making me feel bad with the guilttripping, blocking and unblocking not to mention saying we should go our separate ways. 

I can only imagine how she would have reacted if I had said to her "Don't feel unwell pls" or "Don't feel down pls" or "Don't feel upset pls"! 

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, viking37 said:

Yeah. Second sentence wasn't great. 

Also did not like the last sentence "But don't feel bad pls". Seems quite lazy especially considering all the effort she put into making me feel bad with the guilttripping, blocking and unblocking not to mention saying we should go our separate ways. 

I can only imagine how she would have reacted if I had said to her "Don't feel unwell pls" or "Don't feel down pls" or "Don't feel upset pls"! 

@viking37, given that you were only casual, you're spending far more time analysing this than it deserves.   Just move on, it's not like she was your girlfriend.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, viking37 said:

Technically we've been dating for 2 months with neither party asking for a commitment. 

 

True. Perhaps if you got some of the cultural and socioeconomic stereotyping out of the way, you would be able to see her more clearly for who she is without all the spin.

Germans are like this, British are like that, Turkish are like this, lawyers are like that and so on.  Just focus on who you are and who she is.

If you see her and your interactions purely for what they are, things may start making sense to you about what this dating situation is and where it's going.

[viking37]

I didn’t reply to her message and she followed up in the morning with ‘where are you ?’. I said ‘wfh’ and she said she d taken the day off and was heading south of the river but could drop by my area beforehand to give me an update. 

I figure I may as well. Will see what she has to say. 

[Girl Fade Away]

14 hours ago, viking37 said:

I didn’t reply to her message and she followed up in the morning with ‘where are you ?’. I said ‘wfh’ and she said she d taken the day off and was heading south of the river but could drop by my area beforehand to give me an update. 

I figure I may as well. Will see what she has to say. 

So breaking this down, she went from highly valuing you, 'idealizing' you (being literally all over you, texting ad nauseum, making future plans), to out of blue, no warning, no provocation, 'devaluing' you in a very crazy irrational cruel way.  To NOW back to valuing you again.  WOW.

[]

I wish you luck. 

Edited November 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[LynneVicious]

Wait, didn’t she just block you and break it off with you a day or so ago? Now wants to know where you are? I know you’re curious, but I would let it go and not meet her. Otherwise you’ll be in for a rollercoaster of more of the same. 

[elaine567]

On 11/4/2021 at 12:42 PM, viking37 said:

And I think maybe there are some cultural misunderstandings. She doesn't really get the concept of dating. In her country you are either friends or boyfriend/girlfriend and they take relationships a bit more seriously and I think it is quite common for them to start off as friends and move into a relationship. Also sex is a bigger deal over there

Sex= bf
You were not acting like a bf after sex, so she got upset...

Edited November 12, 2021 by elaine567

[Girl Fade Away]

35 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Otherwise you’ll be in for a rollercoaster of more of the same. 

That may be just the appeal of this whole thing though.  It appears to be since OP is still there and willing to keep going.   Some people go for that blend of crazy, for some it is exciting, mentally stimulating, challenging, especially when the person is hot like she is and sex is hot.  

Like I said, I wish you luck @viking37.

 

[Alpacalia]

BPD mimics so many other mental health issues because it overlaps with many other mental health conditions, and it is one of the most difficult and frequently misdiagnosed mental health conditions.

Perhaps doing more study before tossing these labels about would be beneficial.

In any event, good luck with your meeting.

 

 

[Saracena]

47 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Sex= bf
You were not acting like a bf after sex, so she got upset...

This is what I was thinking as well.  She had expectations he hadn't lived up to.

[viking37]

OK so I met her for a lunchtime drink in my area with no idea what the update would be. After some brief preliminaries she apologized to me sincerely and said she owes me an explanation . Turns out her first boyfriend who was also her career mentor was accused of rape while on a business trip found himself in jail and within a few days was found hanging in his cell. This happened last Sunday. Apparently the week before she'd been having premonitions and bad dreams which was why she was feeling down last week too. 

I did the best I could possibly do. I listened. I empathised. I gave her a shoulder to cry on. I told her I was there for her. I told her UK companies give compassionate leave and encouraged her to take it. I suggested she reach out to friends, family, counsellers because this isn't something anyone could deal with on their own and there are people out there who can help. I told her to let me know if I could do anything to help. I shared some of my perspective from losing my father five years ago. I can't remember the rest but I spent an hour with her and offered to take the afternoon off work if my company was helping and she didn't want to be alone but she said it was OK.

She also apologized for giving me a hard time and said of course I could not possibly have known or even imagined what she was going through. She didn't say a single mean thing to me in the hour or so we spent together and there was no tension at all. Obviously she seemed distant and numb as anyone would be in that situation and clearly she is not in the right place emotionally for absolutely anything casual or otherwise and all I can really do is offer my friendship while trying not to get too emotionally involved because I am not her boyfriend or her best friend and even if in this vulnerable state having opened up to me emotionally and physically she might develop feelings it is hardly a healthy basis for starting anything. 

But yeah.Things just got a lot more complicated. And I really do not know what to do. 

Oh and no idea if she has any mental problems but of course any extreme stress such as she is currently facing would exarcebate them as well as probably bringing the worst out of certain aspects of her personality that aren't perhaps that nice. 

Edited November 12, 2021 by viking37

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, viking37 said:

Things just got a lot more complicated. 

At least you know how she handles stress. And that is to lash out at you. Leave her be and let her reach out.

Doesn't mean she has personality disorders or mental problems or because she's an attorney or because of her culture etc.  Don't make excuses for her behavior. Your job is to reflect on how she treats you. Accept that this is simply how she operates, regardless of culture, profession, mental health, etc..

[LynneVicious]

Agree with the above. Know you know how she handles stress. She showed you who she is. Now believe it. 

It seems you are going to proceed anyway knowing the risks? If you do, don’t be surprised at the next turn of events. 

[Girl Fade Away]

38 minutes ago, viking37 said:

Turns out her first boyfriend who was also her career mentor was accused of rape while on a business trip found himself in jail and within a few days was found hanging in his cell. This happened last Sunday.

So this is why she angrily lashed out at you, several times over the course of 3 days, and ended your 'relationship'?  And that is assuming her story is even true. Pardon me for being skeptical given her behavior and everything that has transpired between you.  

Honestly,  I have no words, no more opinion @viking37except good luck.   

Edited November 12, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, viking37 said:

But yeah.Things just got a lot more complicated. And I really do not know what to do. 

I think you've already done all you can do for her. Now you need to take care of yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, viking37 said:

She didn't say a single mean thing to me in the hour or so we spent together

When you view this as a noteworthy success...yikes. 

 

[viking37]

Don’t think she is making it up. But I’m wondering whether her reaction is not a little extreme for a guy she broke up with ten years ago even if he did remain a mentor and friend and of course first boyfriend always has some significance. Or whether it was necessary to tell me all the details instead of just simply saying she lost a friend and leaving it at that? 
 

I really don’t buy the idea she has feelings for me. Obviously she values my friendship (which provides her with many benefits to now include emotional support ) and is attracted enough to me to sleep with me. But she’s never seemed that into kissing or affection didn’t reciprocate on the number of occasions I directly or indirectly told her I liked her and hasn’t even bothered to ask for exclusivity. 
 

Obviously she is back to texting me regularly and it’s dear and darling and xxx again and emoticons and she is now in the mood for jokes and initiating a lot of them. 
 

Oh and after the lunch “thanks very much for your support much appreciated “