Girl I'm dating has suddenly gone cold and distant

[Wiseman2]

What's wrong with enjoying the FWB situation you have? You both seem to be ok with it. Try not to overanalyze. You don't have a crystal ball and you don't need one for something this casual.

[Alpacalia]

This sound more than an "FWB."

From my understanding that's someone that you have an occasional sexual relationship with.

She also invited you to spend time with her and her friends, which at the time, you declined.

[viking37]

I have no idea. She’s still texting me regularly after our convo but it’s more friendly now and less affectionate so I’m kicking myself a bit for bringing it up and making her self conscious when before she was without realising it opening up showing a lot more affection and even saying she likes me which she never did until very recently. But I guess I just need to back off a bit and give her some space and be a bit less available. 

[viking37]

Oh and she texted me something weird tonight. Said she got home and her flatmate had got her a chocolate bear as a thank you for being in his life (not sure if he said that was why he got it or if she interpreted it that way). Just two days earlier the same flatmate had seen her bring me home before turning me away because a handyman had showed up unexpectedly. Although I'm now wondering if it is because the flatmate saw me arrive and she was therefore unable to sneak me into her room.  And I have always found it a bit strange that she never wants me to stay over always using her flatmates as an excuse. She has mentioned this flatmate quite often. He does DIY for her e.g. installing her heater and she has said a few times she feels lucky to have him as a flatmate. Obviously I cannot say anything. But should I be concerned about this situation? In my eyes giving someone a chocolate bear is romantic not something you'd give a friend and even if she isn't interested in him perhaps she enjoys the attention he gives her and therefore doesn't want him to know that we are sleeping together. But I do sometimes wonder if part of the reason she is keen to avoid labels and keep things vague between us is because she enjoys attention and favours from other men in her life 

 

 

Edited November 25, 2021 by viking37

[Girl Fade Away]

22 minutes ago, viking37 said:

But I do sometimes wonder if part of the reason she is keen to avoid labels and keep things vague between us is because she enjoys attention and favours from other men in her life.

Bingo.  Attention from other men and you.  Let us not dismiss all the attention you give her as well.

Do not regret having that talk with her, you said in your first post you have been dating a few months, that is NOT too early and like I said if roles were reversed, the responses would be much different.  Less encouraging you to "give it more time" or "wait longer, don't pressure her" whatever.  A bunch of bologna if you ask me. 

Be glad you had the talk, now you know where you stand!!   You have all the information you need to make an informed decision.  And if you are OK keeping it casual and being another orbiter, keep going.  If you seek more, end it.

This is NOT what a healthy functional relationship looks like when two people care about each other and on the same page.  Sorry.

Edited November 25, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Saracena]

37 minutes ago, viking37 said:

And I have always found it a bit strange that she never wants me to stay over always using her flatmates as an excuse.

Have you asked why this is?  Are the flatmates Turkish?  If so, most likely because they would disapprove. Or she fears they would.

The flatmates know about you so it's not a case of hiding your relationship, just that you're sleeping together.

[Alpacalia]

A chocolate bear is iffy considering their flat mates.

But her not having you sleep over could simply be a courtesy to her roommates.

I know when I lived with a female roommate and she had the guy she was seeing over and sleeping over all the time and I felt it was a bit inconsiderate.

[viking37]

Her other flatmates are European. The guy met me a month ago when i dropped off her bags from the airport and she introduced me as a friend. Girl hasn't met me but she said she gave her the rest of the wine i brought last Friday telling her it was from me and the girl thought the flowers in her room were from me. 

Other occasions she invited me up late at night when she knew they'd be asleep. Last Friday for example she invited me because they were both out. She then panicked when she heard the front door open. Got into a dressing gown to greet the flatmate who ended up being the guy chatted a bit then returned to her room and we resumed. But she was then worrying if she was making too much noise or if the room smelled of sex. Naturally this killed the mood and she kicked me out shortly afterwards which didn't feel great. 

Maybe it is partly cultural conditioning that makes her uncomfortable with people she is living with knowing she is having sex. But I think also she also intends to keep passing me off as just a friend and obviously that pretence is impossible if I stay over or they hear us having sex or catch me arriving late at night hence why she always sneaks me in when she knows they are either out or sleeping. I don't think she is interested in her flatmate or she probably wouldn't have mentioned that he gave her the bear or indicated to me that they were close. But he seems to go out of his way to help her and is now buying her chocolate bears and she seems to do nothing to discourage him when she could have easily used my presence at the flat to cool his jets. But clearly she likes having an adoring male friend she can hang out with at home whenever she wants that is always at hand to help her out. 

But yeah I think I need to continue to treat this as a casual thing and avoid further conversations with her. And probably start thinking about dating other women on the side as while she may not be seeing anyone else she clearly wants to keep her options open. 

And also if she doesn't want to be my girlfriend I should stop treating her like one and make her less of a priority and take longer to reply to her texts and see a bit less of her. 

 

 

[viking37]

Oh something else a little strange....she is starting to act a little bit needy.

For example Wednesday she finished a spin class and texted me saying she is in so much pain. I was at a movie so didn't respond and a few hours later she texted again saying "U r silent?" and then "What are you up to?"

Then this morning around 10am she texted me saying "Why dont u say morning to me at all :)" when we aren't in any kind of established habit of doing that and she usually is the first to text me each day and usually with a conversation starter rather than good morning. 

Edited November 26, 2021 by viking37

[Saracena]

On 11/26/2021 at 10:21 AM, viking37 said:

She then panicked when she heard the front door open. Got into a dressing gown to greet the flatmate who ended up being the guy chatted a bit then returned to her room and we resumed

What time was this then? The fact she got up is distinctly strange as if she was expecting someone to come into her room or something. Maybe they would, of course. Do you know for sure if they have a rule about people staying over?  Unlikely, but possible. At any rate, I wouldn't be surprised if they already knew you'd stayed over a few times!

So there are 3 in this flatshare. I take she never knew these before she came to UK? No connection with her past?

[Saracena]

On 11/25/2021 at 11:06 PM, viking37 said:

Said she got home and her flatmate had got her a chocolate bear as a thank you for being in his life (not sure if he said that was why he got it or if she interpreted it that way).

Hang on, before this gets blown out of all proportion, how do you know he didn''t give one to the other flatmate as well? 

[viking37]

I spoke to her yesterday. She mentioned she was going to a jazz gig with another male friend so I suggested maybe afterwards she could come back to mine as then she wouldn't have to worry about her housemates. She agreed wanting to drop her overnight stuff at mine before the jazz. Before we met she texted saying she had a surprise for me. I correctly guessed she'd be wearing the overcoat I helped her select (which was a British brand so she was joking I wanted to make her more British). She texted back saying I shouldn't have guessed. I said I'm good at guessing. She said guess romance with roses and champagne sometimes I am not that practical or am I? I had no idea what she meant by all of this so steered the conversation away from this saying "Well there can be more than one surprise tonight" and saying she could drop off her stuff anytime after 5pm. She dropped by and we got some dinner. 

The friend met her at the restaurant after we'd finished eating and whisked her off to the jazz club. Around 11.30pm she texts me asking me to come and pick her up as the music was almost ending. So I do that and we have sex but she then tosses and turns and whines that she can only sleep well in her own bed and would I hate her if she asked me to get her an Uber to take her home. It is like 4am so I tell her I'd miss her if she left and could she try a little while longer and if she still can't get back to sleep I'd get her an Uber. Luckily she does manage to sleep or at least stops complaining and we both oversleep. We have a coffee and walk a bit and she then says we can hang out at her place and we have some more sex and she then dozes on my shoulder for a while. 

She mentioned the chocolate teddy bear again saying the male housemate said he wanted to thank her for being in his life and gave her the chocolate bear and her heart melted! I was thinking WTF it is a £3 teddy bear from the local supermarket. But I did not say anything. Part of me wonders if she is making a big fuss about the bear because she wants me to do something very romantic. Especially considering our earlier conversation. But it is still very weird. 

She also mentioned her male friend that she went the jazz with who I met at dinner when he came to pick her up and after the jazz when I came to pick her up was asking about me and she said she didn't know how to label it and labels weren't important which her male friend agreed with. He was a really nice guy. Mentioned a girlfriend. And seemed very concerned he was gatecrashing our evening (even though she'd made plans with him before I suggested anything) and I think he liked me so it might make her feel more comfortable introducing me to other friends of hers. 

As for the encounter with her roommate in the night that also seemed weird. There are no rules against overnight guests. It was like 1am so there would be no reason for him to go into her room. As soon as she heard the front door she stopped having sex with me so he wouldn't have heard any noise. The only charitable explanation I can think of is that she figured if she went out to greet him he would assume she was in her room alone and didn't have company. So it was misdirection on her part. But still I am wondering if it is the first time she has greeted him late at night when he comes home late and feel a little uncomfortable with how close they seem to be. 

But I dunno really. She was very affectionate again cuddling with me in bed after sex and resting her head on my chest while we watched some TV and we were holding hands a lot and she wasn't refusing any kisses and generally being quite sweet. And in general with her it seems to pay to just ignore the craziness and drama that seems to accompany her without asking too many questions so maybe best to ignore it. They've been living together for 4-5 months with no pre-existing connection and he is a few years younger than her and doesn't really fit the affluent provider type she seems to go for and she doesn't seem like the type to have a fling on the side so I think maybe she just enjoys the attention of this little puppy dog fawning over her and buying her chocolate bears and doesn't realize she is probably leading him on. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

She mentioned the chocolate teddy bear again saying the male housemate said he wanted to thank her for being in his life and gave her the chocolate bear and her heart melted! I was thinking WTF it is a £3 teddy bear from the local supermarket. But I did not say anything. Part of me wonders if she is making a big fuss about the bear because she wants me to do something very romantic. Especially considering our earlier conversation. But it is still very weird. 

The chocolate teddy bear thing.

What could be the possible reasons for her fuss over it:

Trying to hint what she'd like for valentines day
Trying to make you jealous
She just really loves the chocolate teddy bear
There's something up with the flat mate
Or, it's completely benign, just a friend giving another friend a chocolate teddy bear

You should just get her one of those life size chocolate teddy bears and that will put the other chocolate teddy bear to shame.



 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Alpaca

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

The chocolate teddy bear thing.

What could be the possible reasons for her fuss over it:

Trying to hint what she'd like for valentines day
Trying to make you jealous
She just really loves the chocolate teddy bear
There's something up with the flat mate

Agree and what's up with her other male "friend" too who took her to jazz concert?  And you invited her to yours afterwards, had sex and nearly begged her to stay?  

I hate to say but you are completely losing yourself in this situationship. 

Girl is an attention seeker, has many orbiters and playing each of you against each other vying for her attentions.  That is why she keeps mentioning the teddy bear and the "friend" who took her to jazz concert.  It is anyone's guess what she tells them about you. 

No I do not recommend buying her a larger teddy bear, or anything for that matter, essentially competing for her, you do not want to go there. 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

You're over thinking all of this.   She's said it's a casual thing.  You accept that you should treat it as a casual thing - and have managed to hold her at arms length quite well (most recently, by ignoring her text when she was injured)   Yet you're analysing all this stuff she does.  

If you want a relationship, she's not sufficiently interested in you.   If you want some fun, carry on as you are - but stop analysing it and just have fun.

 

 

[viking37]

Jazz club friend seemed an innocent situation. She hadn’t seen him in five years. He was very respectful and friendly towards me showing no signs of jealousy and clearly assumed we were together. He talked about his girlfriend. The connection was that he worked for another male friend of hers (recently engaged) but has been in the UK for a few years so they were catching up. But yeah she has a lot of male friends and even if it’s innocent as a beautiful woman they’ll still be giving her attention.
 

As for the flat mate there is no way she’d want chocolate for valentines she’s materialistic and wouldn’t be satisfied by a $5 chocolate bear. And she doesn’t even like chocolate. So I think it is either trying to make me jealous or dropping hints that she wants presents/gifts from me or something going on with the flat mate. 
 

I guess I’m getting sucked in by all the recent affection and the hints she keeps dropping about wanting flowers champagne romance etc. But really it does seem she just wants attention and spoiling and it has nothing to do with her feelings towards me and I shouldn’t indulge her.
 

She isn’t interested in being my girlfriend so it seems inappropriate to try to court her or romance her and easiest way to deal with all the men in her life is to ignore her claims she is only interested in me and assume we aren’t exclusive and she is keeping her options open and start seeing other women myself. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

The statement about the larger chocolate bear was made in jest.

You kept emphasizing it and that she kept mentioning it, so you might have chosen to ignore it when she mentioned it, or simply handed her one to clam her up. Like you said, it's a chocolate bear from a local supermarket.

Look, you'll have to decide whether or not this individual is worth continuing with—or if you're just waiting to see what happens. If you're not quite convinced she's the right match for you, you're better off meeting a lady who does share your values and desires the same things as you do.

All I know is that if I had formed significant feelings for a man and he told me he didn't think he was interested in a relationship, our time together would be over. If you have feelings for her, I would think continuing with her would at some point be too much to handle.

 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Alpaca

[ExpatInItaly]

Still spinning in circles I see, OP. 

This is just casual. Enjoy it while it lasts, but stop expecting it go somewhere. 

[viking37]

When she mentioned it first time all I said was aww that is sweet of him and second time i again showed no reaction and let her continue talking and she moved onto something else. Maybe she was trying to get a reaction with the “it melted my heart” comment but I had no idea how to react so I didn’t. 
 

I don’t really know how I feel. I enjoy her company and the sex. All the men in her life are an annoyance but they just give her attention and I’m pretty sure the sex and affection is reserved for me. I’d been fooled a bit by her wanting to see so much of me recently and showing a lot of affection and seeming to want romance but I think if in my mind i know she isn’t that interested in me i won’t expect more which will make it easier 

 

[Wiseman2]

The chocolate bear 🐻 means they're having sex. At least that's your concern, no?

[IrinaM]

OP, please stop trying to convince yourself this woman is "traditional," or she needs time after her divorce or whatever. She's clearly an attention-addicted party girl. Literally, you took her to dinner, and then some dude came and scooped her up at the end of your date to take her wherever, then you picked her up from her date with the other dude and the two of you had sex. Before you say that this dude is just her friend, and her flatmate is just her friend, keep in mind that technically YOU are just her friend too.

Fwiw, I grew up very religious and one month is NOT even remotely considered "a long time to wait for sex," more like slutville (in traditional cultures).

I don't think you should just "relax and enjoy the hookups" because clearly that's not a possibility for you. I also think she thrives on having multiple men crossing paths for her, so there's really no way to be involved with her without being disrespected and dragged into drama.

[Alpacalia]

But, in general, it appears like you want to be in a relationship, don't you?

If that's the case, you're wasting your energy with her.

With the exception of the good sex and companionship.

[Wiseman2]

Why don't you get her a gingerbread house 🏡?

That way the roommates chocolate bear seems lame by comparison.

You need to up your game. 

[Alpacalia]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Why don't you get her a gingerbread house 🏡?

That way the roommates chocolate bear seems lame by comparison.

You need to up your game. 

That's where I was going with that with the bigger chocolate teddy bear!

[Girl Fade Away]

6 hours ago, Alpaca said:

The statement about the larger chocolate bear was made in jest.

I knew that Alpaca which is why I removed that statement from the post I quoted.  😀

But my sense from OP is that he IS leaning toward competing for her attentions which wouid be a mistake. 

And Viking, think about it.  You are NOT good enough to be her 'boyfriend' but yet she still wants you to romance her, treat her, spoil her and treat her like a girlfriend?

What the heck!  That is not a compliment to you or in any way indicates her interest in you.  

She is an attention seeker, that is all it means.