Girl I'm dating has suddenly gone cold and distant

[Girl Fade Away]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why don't you get her a gingerbread house 🏡?

That way the roommates chocolate bear seems lame by comparison.

You need to up your game. 

I am going to assume this was said as tongue n cheek?  

You are basically advising him to be a simp. Lol

Upping his game would be he starts respecting himself and dumping her. 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[viking37]

I think she is perhaps trying to provoke me into spoiling her even more than I already do. Even if she has male friends she hangs out with there is no reason to tell me about them. 
 

There was the Turkish guy at work who took her to an art exhibition a few weeks ago. 
 

The flat mate doing DIY for her and melting her heart with chocolate bears 

The friend who helped her when she came to U.K. but disappeared after declaring his feelings only to be rejected. She told me last week he wrote her a poem and played a recording of the poem Friday night. 
 

And there is also a guy she met on the dating app that wanted to marry her after a few dates but got friends zoned but went to a fortune teller who told him that she isn’t for him so she is comfortable being friends again and is inviting her to Jewish events starting with a Hanukkah ceremony at the synagogue tonight. 
 

I don’t ask about these guys she just tells me in exhaustive details what she is up to every day and night. 
 

But I have no inclination to do romantic stuff despite the heavy hints she is dropping as she already has manipulated me into paying for everything which isn’t cheap as she starves herself all week and then orders half the menu when I take her out. 
 

 

 

[Calmandfocused]

Anyone else thinking that she either is having sex with the housemate or has had sex with him? 
 

I’d bet my entire month wage on it. 

[IrinaM]

8 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Anyone else thinking that she either is having sex with the housemate or has had sex with him? 
 

I’d bet my entire month wage on it. 

i thought the same thing. women living "strict traditional" lifestyles do not have male roommates. Heck I'm very free-spirited and there is no way I would do that. Also the way she keeps bringing up the chocolate bear, it's obvious she felt enchanted by it lol. If some guy i didn't like gave me a silly chocolate bear, i'd throw it in the garbage and forget it. on the other hand, if a guy i liked gave me a chocolate bear, i'd cherish it forever. What i'm trying to say is, the bear has no value at all, she's happy that he gave her a token of his affection.

[Girl Fade Away]

23 minutes ago, viking37 said:

...she already has manipulated me into paying for everything which isn’t cheap as she starves herself all week and then orders half the menu when I take her out. 

This can't be real, I think you are toying with us now.  No man with even a shred of self respect would be allowing himself to be manipulated and jerked around like this. Not buying it, sorry. 

If it IS true, get some professional help mate, that is my last advice. 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Saracena]

49 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Anyone else thinking that she either is having sex with the housemate or has had sex with him? 
 

I’d bet my entire month wage on it. 

Hmm.....Not sure I'd go quite that far, but I am suspicious as to the reason she's hiding the fact the OP is staying over. Something not quite right here.  Hence why I wanted him to ask her why this is.

 

47 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

thought the same thing. women living "strict traditional" lifestyles do not have male roommates.

I never got the impression she as ever a 'strict traditional', though. In some respects perhaps but not 100% all in!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

There was the Turkish guy at work 

The flat mate doing DIY for her and melting her heart with chocolate bears 

The friend who helped her when she came to U.K. 

And there is also a guy  inviting her to Jewish events starting with a Hanukkah ceremony at the synagogue tonight. 

It's like you're a male girlfriend. She tells you about all these supposed admirers and "friends".

So. You take her places and she sleeps with you once in a while. Ok. But all these other guys are  buzzing around for nothing?

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

But I have no inclination to do romantic stuff despite the heavy hints she is dropping as she already has manipulated me into paying for everything which isn’t cheap as she starves herself all week and then orders half the menu when I take her out. 

Yes, I agree.

This is all sounding a little nutty.

Any who, best of luck to you OP.

[IrinaM]

55 minutes ago, Saracena said:

I never got the impression she as ever a 'strict traditional', though. In some respects perhaps but not 100% all in!

^^^Yeah I don't think she is at all, it's more that I think OP keeps falling back on random excuses for this woman, and this is one of them. She's traditional, she just got divorced, she's an attorney, maybe I just need to communicate with her one more time...

[viking37]

OK I think I am out. She texted me saying she was off to the synagogue for her Hannukah event. I was at a jazz club but when I was done I texted her asking how her event was. She said it was good and she got so much attention lol and was now heading to a Russian restaurant/bar (at 11.30pm!). I said sarcastically "all part of the religious experience?" she said "ahaha we are going as a gang. Met another cool guy who has family in NYC. We are making plans to go to Berlin or Torture Garden here". It sounds shady as hell going to Berlin with a group of Russian Jewish guys she has just met and Torture Garden is a fetish nightclub where people dress up in leather and chains and all that kind of stuff. I am not her boyfriend but surely she can understand I am not going to like the idea of her going on holiday with a gang of guys or going to fetish nightclubs with them? 

As for the paying for dinners thing I get that it is part of her culture for the man to pay but she definitely takes advantage of the fact. 

But obviously doesnt feel good knowing she is out drinking with a group of guys in a nightclub and planning holidays and visits to fetish clubs. It does seem she loves male attention and that will never change. 

And why oh why do i get a blow by blow account of her evening. She just texted me saying the restaurant they were planning to go to doesn't take bookings. 

I didnt say she was traditional or religious. Merely that she told me she wasn't into hookups and had only had relationships in her life and was probably slower to sleep with someone than many European women. 

Edited November 29, 2021 by viking37

[Alpacalia]

Find yourself a nice lady that is home studying working and has only a couple of male friends that she sees once in a blue moon. Preferably one that doesn't have iffy male flatmates and a woman that doesn't mind chipping in, going for pizza, and loves dogs.

[basil67]

@viking37 You're not her boyfriend, so what you think of her going on holiday with a gang of guys or to a fetish club won't matter to her.  As for why she gave you a blow by blow account of the evening - it's because you're not her boyfriend.   

It's time to move on and find someone who meets your needs.

[Acacia98]

I haven't been sure why y'all have been pushing this in the boyfriend/girlfriend direction in some of the earlier posts. From my perspective, she's not looking to be anyone's girlfriend. Never has been. And she doesn't make a good FWB either because she doesn't seem to respect the boundaries that would necessarily define such a situation.

As for you, OP, you seem too passive, allowing her to set the direction on everything. And wherever she doesn't do things in the emotionally healthier way, you're too quick to blame it on culture. As a non-Westerner, let me assure you: even the shitty things that folks like myself do in the name of culture are still shitty things. They still have the same miserable impact. If marital violence were the norm in my culture, it would still be violence, and the perpetrator and victim would still be perpetrator and victim.

This situation seems likely to end in heartbreak for you. Because, as you spend time together, doing relationshipy things, your feelings for her are deepening. In the meantime, she seems to be keeping her options open and seeing other guys. All that stuff about not liking labels is not good. You clearly want more. She doesn't or, to be more accurate, she doesn't want to give you more but is okay with you giving her more. If you were asking for advice, I'd suggest that you bow out of this situation gracefully. Wish her well. Take some time off from dating to focus on your own needs and try and figure out what you want for yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, viking37 said:

Merely that she told me she wasn't into hookups

Yeah, I think she is full of equine manure. 

She's planning to go to a fetish club with a group of guys she barely knows. 

Wake up, dude. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Whatever the case, some men end up in the relationship pile, while others end up in the casual pile.

Unfortunately, she only regarded you as casual.

Sorry about that, OP.

[viking37]

Yeah I think I could do casual if she respected boundaries and didn't confuse me with this crap about wanting me to be there for her and wanting intimacy and romance etc. and me being the only man she likes and the only man she is sleeping with which led me to think there might be a possibility for more. But I think she wants all the benefits of having a boyfriend e.g. company, affection, sex, free food drinks entertainment, emotional support, romance etc. while still retaining the freedom to lap up attention from all the other men in her life and not wanting to label it has very little to do with her fear of commitment or trauma from previous relationships and everything to do with her being addicted to male attention and I find that very offputting. And of course she will burn herself out with all this partying and drinking so when I do spend time with her she will be tired and moody and overly sensitive and generally no fun to spend time with. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Yes but you have to lay down your own boundaries too.

Not that I'm condoning her behavior but remember, you’re setting boundaries to respect who you are as an individual and part of that is knowing your own worth.

Take some time to figure out what attracted you to her in the first place.

I was really hoping for a different outcome for you and I hope that you find someone that is deserving of everything you have to offer.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, viking37 said:

But I think she wants all the benefits of having a boyfriend e.g. company, affection, sex, free food drinks entertainment, emotional support, romance etc. while still retaining the freedom to lap up attention from all the other men in her life and not wanting to label it

Yes. 

Now that you have finally grasped this, what are you going to do? 

[viking37]

I made a few sarcastic remarks last night and ignored her 1am update that she’d got home safe. She texted me lunchtime today with a photo of a jumper she is thinking to buy and a weather update. I said “cute jumper and yes will be a cold winter” she said “great comments again :) I will leave you to deal with your Monday blues”

Funny how when she drops hints I’m expected to pick up on them whereas she ignores mine. But I can see there is no point mentioning to her that I don’t want to hear what she is getting up to with other men as she will just take offence. And I can’t do casual if she rubs my face in it the way she did last night. 
 

So I think I’ll cool down and then text her that it isn’t working for me and wish her all the best 

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

I think I’ll cool down and then text her that it isn’t working for me and wish her all the best 

In this particular instance, given her volatile and unstable nature, I would not advise this.  It only invites a repeat of last time, her angrily lashing out causing drama and emotional upheaval. I am sure you do not need reminding of this. 

I am not a fan of ghosting but in this case, I think it's OK.  Or gradually back off.  But even then, you are likely to get a lashing.  

Even most recently with your chilly reply, she starts in with the sarcasm "great comments again :) I will leave you to deal with your Monday blues.”  YAWN.

Viking, this person has used you for your wallet and taken advantage of your affection for her.  She is an emotional vampire and NOT a nice person.   You owe her nothing. 

Simply ghost is my advice.  Block, delete.  Good riddance.

Good luck. 

Edited November 29, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[viking37]

Yeah you are right. I think if she feels I am backing away or if I tell her I don't want to see her anymore she will lash out, and then try to guilt trip me, and then probably try to lure me back with sex or pretend she has feelings for me etc and love bomb me and I will lose my resolve. So blocking and deleting is the way to go. Is it worth writing a short text to explain what I am doing or will she get the message and figure things out for herself when she reflects on the events of the last week or so (i.e. refusing the gf/bf labels, going out drinking with a bunch of random guys and planning fetish club trips and swooning over the stupid chocolate bear etc)

[Girl Fade Away]

Viking, seriously who cares what she thinks?  Your number one job is to take care of YOU.  Extricate yourself from this toxic mess. Focus on THAT.

 

[Sun Seeker]

@Girl Fade Away [] makes a good point, she will most likely start more drama after you send the message.

Personally I would still send it though, at least to hold your head high that you ended things the right way.

 

Edited November 30, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

[Alpacalia]

Just send her a message wishing her well and then go dark.

Edited November 29, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

Agree.

Just send her a message wishing her well and then go dark.

I agree with this as well.