Girl I'm dating has suddenly gone cold and distant

[viking37]

OK things took an interesting turn this weekend. She was doing some shopping today and when she was done asked if I wanted to do an early dinner even though she'd already seen me Thursday and Friday evening and we've been texting constantly throughout the evening. 

It became pretty clear from our conversation that she had been talking about me a lot to her colleagues at the housewarming party. She also mentioned that she'd sometimes been calling me her friend sometimes her date and she was quite confused. I kinda feel like saying "Well I'm not interested in anyone else, I'm not sleeping with anyone else, I'm spending a lot of time with you so in my mind you are my girlfriend how do you feel about that?" but I do not want to push it as labels clearly trouble her. 

She was also quite a bit more affectionate than usual. She was very cold when we met and hugged me tightly which is unusual for her to do even if it might have been just for warmth. And when we were discussing how her lesbian best friend was dating a bisexual girl we agreed it must be very confusing and I repeated our joke from the other night "I don't like men, I don't like women, I like (her name)" and she blew me a kiss (again most out of character). And when I dropped her off at her door there was no attempt to give me her cheek which she usually does and instead let me kiss her on the lips. And again no coldness or distance at all. She was fully engaged, laughing at all my jokes and quite smiley. 

Oh she also asked me a few weird questions asking if I had ever been in love and asking which of my exes I loved the most. I felt a bit uncomfortable with the line of questioning but answered honestly. Can anyone think why she'd ask me this? 

We have a running joke that she gets very confused when she has to identify herself on disclosure forms etc and ends up choosing "White-Other" which I tease her about and her standard comeback is either "You are other" or "You like other" while punching my arm. We went to a Peruvian restaurant and after I dropped her off she texted saying she really enjoyed the food and it was one of her favourites after Lebanese. I said there was a good place for Lebanese food in a certain road. She joked "other road" and then texted "I like British". She wasn't talking about the food. I said "Mm how long have you liked British?" and she texted "I will shut up now :)". So I think this was her cute way of saying she likes me and she has NEVER said this before even though I have said I like her several times both directly and indirectly. 

I mentioned she should see more of the UK and there are a lot of good staycations. She said she didn't want to go alone and I said I'd be happy to accompany her somewhere. She said something non-commital and changed the top. But when we were texting after the date she asked if I wanted to go to a certain city close to Christmas suggesting the 17th-18th which is wow almost a month away. I said we could combine with some kind of Christmas carol concert which we might be able to find there at that time of year and she really liked the idea and we left it that I would do some research and get back to her. She also said that first we need to get my mum her plant.

It kinda feels this is going somewhere as none of this feels casual or non-committal. Especially the staycation she is planning a month in the future. I mean there is no way she could see us going as friends as going together, sharing a hotel room is clearly romantic right?

I think I screwed up quite a bit over the last month since we first had sex and somehow things seem back on track and she is warming up to me again but I want to get things right this time round! 

 

Edited November 22, 2021 by viking37

[Sun Seeker]

You have been dating a few months... its clear she likes you and you like her... so what are you waiting for? Ask her to be your girlfriend.

[Wiseman2]

How come she doesn't invite you to these parties with friends?

[viking37]

Wiseman about a month ago she invited me to a Halloween event at a bar. Last minute she said she'd mentioned it to her colleague and she'd invited her and her husband and was that OK? I said I was a bit uncomfortable with it as I thought it was just going to be us. She said OK she will handle it and they didn't show up but she told me over the weekend that she did think of inviting me to the housewarming party but because I seemed hesitant to meet her friends last time she didn't bother. I said I was being silly and of course I'd like to meet her friends. She said she does not know if there will be any opportunities anytime soon but if any come up she may reconsider. 

And I think there have only been a few parties. One was a month ago and she said she didn't invite me because she didn't know the host that well. And this time round she said it would have been a good opportunity but thought I wouldn't want to go. 

But she definitely tells her friends about me. 

Oh and she suggested we take a day off together as she wants to do some winter clothes shopping and also wants to find something for my mum and she has plans this weekend and thinks the weekend will be very busy with all the tourists and Black Friday sales. So we are doing that together tomorrow. 

[viking37]

We did the day shopping together. I tried to help her choose a coat and some boots and she tried to help me choose few presents for my mum including the plant.

She’s definitely a lot more affectionate even hugging me on a few occasions and taking every opportunity when we were sitting down to rest her head on my shoulder.

After shopping had dinner and a cocktail and we started making out and she got quite frisky and invited me back to hers. Unfortunately a workman has randomly showed up so she had to deal with that situation and sent me away. 
 

But afterwards she texted to apologise and said sorry but she had to take care of the handyman. I joked that sounded dodgy and I hope the handyman kept his hands to himself. She said she likes only one English man. I joked and how many men or other nationalities and she said no just one man one nationality. 
 

She said something similar last time we met about liking British but this was much more overt. And liking me and no other man clearly indicates she is now thinking me of me as much more than a friend. 
 

Are we getting close to the stage where I can ask whether she’d like to be my girlfriend or would that label scare her off and I should just keep building our connection and wait for her to bring it up ?

 

[Girl Fade Away]

17 minutes ago, viking37 said:

Are we getting close to the stage where I can ask whether she’d like to be my girlfriend or would that label scare her off and I should just keep building our connection and wait for her to bring it up ?

You already received advice about this earlier (see below).

On 11/21/2021 at 5:38 PM, Sun Seeker said:

You have been dating a few months... its clear she likes you and you like her... so what are you waiting for? Ask her to be your girlfriend.

I believe Sun Seeker is and has been pretty successful with the ladies, reading his posts he has tons of experience.  So you would be wise to take his advice.  Plus, wouldn't you rather know sooner rather than later whether or not you are on the same page?  If she is not on board with you now, more time is not going to change that.  I do not understand what you are so afraid of, why you continue to walk on eggshells with her.  It should not be this difficult.

Edited November 23, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Saracena]

24 minutes ago, viking37 said:

Are we getting close to the stage where I can ask whether she’d like to be my girlfriend or would that label scare her off and I should just keep building our connection and wait for her to bring it up ?

 

Yes, but I reckon she's waiting for you to bring it up.  She's doing all she can to encourage you as well. I' d also say the reference yesterday to the confusion over the 'date' 'friend' description was giving you an opportunity to do so!  

Best of luck.

 

[Saracena]

On 11/22/2021 at 12:18 AM, viking37 said:

I think I screwed up quite a bit over the last month since we first had sex and somehow things seem back on track and she is warming up to me again but I want to get things right this time round! 

Last time both of you were confused about what the other wanted! 

After the staycation, she expected you to step-up. You thought she should be the one to move things forward because she knew you liked her; you had told her so on many occasions !  But actions always speak louder than words. In her mind, your actions and words didn't align when you didn't ask her to be your girlfriend.. This confused her and she began to question things. Of course subsequently your referring to her as your 'date' closely followed by your 'dismissive reaction' to her when she wasn't feeling great,  further confirmed that you didn't essentially care after all! I believe the talk she  had with her friend was probably what was instrumental in helping her to see the light! At least a glimmer.......as the rest was up to you then! 

Similariy, based on her 'reactions' to the above you believed she wasn't that interested after all.  Basically, this was what was happening.....

  

 

Edited November 24, 2021 by Saracena
punct

[LatinCoffee]

On 11/6/2021 at 6:14 AM, viking37 said:

 

But I dunno really. I kinda feel like for whatever reason she isn't emotionally available. Maybe she isn't over her divorce. Or just doesn't have romantic feelings for me and sees me just as a friend that she feels some sexual attraction towards. I think I can probably handle that for a little while longer but eventually I think just hanging out and having occasional casual sex (which is what it has been feeling like the last couple of times) will grow old. 

 

 

 

 

This is exactly what I was thinking, @viking37

She is possibly not that into you and is just having fun for now after her divorce. She possibly likes having you around as it is a distraction from her divorce.

[Girl Fade Away]

16 minutes ago, LatinCoffee said:

This is exactly what I was thinking, @viking37

She is possibly not that into you and is just having fun for now after her divorce. She possibly likes having you around as it is a distraction from her divorce.

Possibly but there is only one way to find out for sure.  Talk to her.  Ask her to be your girlfriend as has been suggested.  Like I said, you should want to know if you are on the same page because if she is not on board and views you as some kind of 'orbiter,' the more involved you will get, and the more hurt you will be when she finds a man she does want a relationship with.  It is for your own self-protection as well as progressing things to boyfriend/girlfriend status.

It has been a few months now, if she is not on board now, more time is not going to change that.  Be straight, be direct.  She is a lawyer, right?  She will respect you for it.

Edited November 24, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Saracena]

While she may not have exploring things ie her feeling etc about OP in the beginning, I think the above still applies.  However, it still sounds to me they have both turned a corner,  in the right direction recently,

[viking37]

OK so I had a talk with her. She was talking about how her flatmate recognized me from a month ago when I dropped her bags off and another flatmate thought the flowers in her room were from me. I tested the waters saying "I guess they must assume I am your boyfriend". And to the best of my memory it went something like this. 

Her: "Yeah I think so maybe"

Me: "I didn't know the other flatmate (who I hadn't met) knew about me

Her: "Yeah I gave her the rest of the wine you brought and said my friend my date or partner I dunno brought it. So seems like I am confused"

Me: "Well I'm not your partner but I could be your boyfriend if you'd like that

Her: "Partner means living together?"

Me: "Yeah I think so usually"

Her: "Maybe I will just say viking and ppl will figure out the rest of it out"

Me: "Well that is one approach!"

Her: "But yeah date seems a bit distant" 

Me: "Yeah I agree. And we are definitely not just friends. I'd be comfortable calling you my girlfriend"

Her: "Hmm yeah. Dunno what this will change in our lives? But seems to fit I think. But dunno. Seems a phase. Lets not label it. Don't wanna get into sth I cannot handle not having. Not ready I think. Lets not call it anything. We don't have to. But to me once u r in a relationship think it gets serious and not sure how to handle or figure it oit. Literally my last relationship had a proposal in 1 month. So I cannot really go back but cannot figure out how to go forward either. Also don't want to think about how to break it. So lets keep things how they are. Labels are very unimportant anyway. It is more how u feel about the other person and what you in fact do in ur life rather than ur commitments". 

English isn't her first language and she becomes quite inarticulate when she is trying to express herself sometimes. So didn't 100% make sense to me. But my interpretation is she has always been in serious relationships and they didn't work out so she is cautious and trying not to rush into anything. And perhaps boyfriend-girlfriend has more serious connotations in her country where relationships are meant to head towards marriage whereas over here it just really means you are exclusive and like each other. 

But I think she kinda has a point that it is just a label. She has told me she only likes me and no one else. She cannot seem to get enough of me lately. She wants to plan a staycation in another city a month away in the future. And she seems to talk about me all the time to her flatmates and colleagues and friends and so on. I dunno really. 

 

[Alpacalia]

I don't know OP.

I get the whole not needing labels things but it seems when two people are on the same page they won't take issue with saying "boyfriend" or "girlfriend."

[Girl Fade Away]

@viking37if you had been a woman dating a man, and that man was hesitant in defining, labeling or referring to you as his girlfriend after three months, you know what the responses here would be right?  But I won't go there, not that it would make any difference anyway. 

If you are okay with it, who am I.  I hope it works out.

Edited November 24, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

@viking37if you had been a woman dating a man, and that man was hesitant in defining, labeling or referring to you as his girlfriend after three months, you know what the responses here would be right?

This is so true.  Doesn't matter what the gender is, one wants more than the person they are seeing is willing to give, then it's time to move on.

[viking37]

I get your point but maybe there is a cultural confusion. If bf/gf to her means serious relationship I can understand 2 months seems way too soon! Especially if her ex husband proposed after a month! And I can understand she doesn’t want anything to change because lately we’ve been really getting along very well and I think the fact she’s happy to plan a staycation a month in advance indicates she’s seeing at least a short term future with me. 

But I think it’s possible failed relationships have left her with commitment issues and she wants to get the next one right especially as she is 32 and most girls her age in her country are married by that age 

but yeah I should cool my jets and keep some emotional distance and just enjoy her company and the sex until she does seem ready for some kind of commitment 

Edited November 24, 2021 by viking37

[Girl Fade Away]

14 minutes ago, viking37 said:

But I think it’s possible failed relationships have left her with commitment issues...

I agree.  Doesn't matter why someone has commitment issues, the important thing is that they do.  And again if the roles were reversed and you were a woman dating a man, and that man had "commitment issues," posters would be warning you from here until next Tuesday and encouraging you to move on.  But you will spin it as is the typical course of action when someone is not ready to face the reality of a situation.  Or perhaps you have your own share of commitment issues as well so this is comfortable for you.

I am not buying it's cultural confusion.  She lives in the West, she knows what's going on, how relationships work.  She is stalling, evading, spinning.  And as long as you continue accepting it, she will continue to do so.   

But you seem OK with it, happy even.  Which I guess is all that matters at the end of the day.

 

Edited November 24, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, viking37 said:

But I think it’s possible failed relationships have left her with commitment issues and she wants to get the next one right especially as she is 32 and most girls her age in her country are married by that age 

I think that far too many people are labelled with "commitment issues" when the truth of the matter is that they haven't yet found Mr or Ms Right.    Assuming that a degree of dysfunction is to blame for them not wanting to a bf/gf somehow seems more palatable than the obvious reason.

I've seen it in real life more times than I care to remember:   Mr or Ms is wary of relationship titles and marriage and then WHAM! they find the right one, fall head over heels in love and there's no hesitation whatsoever.  

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

I get your point but maybe there is a cultural confusion. If bf/gf to her means serious relationship I can understand 2 months seems way too soon! Especially if her ex husband proposed after a month! And I can understand she doesn’t want anything to change because lately we’ve been really getting along very well and I think the fact she’s happy to plan a staycation a month in advance indicates she’s seeing at least a short term future with me. 

But I think it’s possible failed relationships have left her with commitment issues and she wants to get the next one right especially as she is 32 and most girls her age in her country are married by that age 

but yeah I should cool my jets and keep some emotional distance and just enjoy her company and the sex until she does seem ready for some kind of commitment 

Yes, perhaps you're right, that at two months it is too soon.

But, more importantly, are you at ease with the pace and emotional state of her in relation to yours?

It's conceivable that she hasn't had enough time to mature her feelings.

I think if you're both comfortable with it and enjoy spending time together and aren't seeing anyone else. If you can get on the same page about what you're doing together, labeling a relationship can be more about clarity than commitment.

 

Edited November 25, 2021 by Alpaca

[Girl Fade Away]

21 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Yes, perhaps you're right, that at two months it is too soon.

But, more importantly, are you at ease with the pace and emotional state of her in relation to yours?

It's conceivable that she hasn't had enough time to mature her feelings.

I think if you're both comfortable with it and enjoy spending time together and aren't seeing anyone else. If you can get on the same page about what you're doing together, labeling a relationship can be more about clarity than commitment.

 

That's certainly seeing the positive!   I thought it was 3 months, perhaps longer, but I do agree that Viking seems happy with the status quo and putting a label on it isn't exactly the be-all-end-all for everyone.   So @viking37continue on, play it out.  You have my blessing!!  ❤️

[spiderowl]

I think three months is early to define a relationship.  It is fair enough to ask about sexual exclusivity, as there is a health risk involved if you are not clear about that, but not sure about boyfriend.

The first few months are getting-to-know-each-other time.  People often do not show their true selves until they have become involved for longer.  

It might be worth asking her if she is looking for anyone else at the moment.

It could be because I am older but now I prefer to date someone for a while to see what kind of person they turn into.  I would rather they were called a 'friend' until I felt more committed to them.  Strangely, I could be exclusive with a guy and yet not be happy to call him a boyfriend.  Maybe it's because 'boyfriend' sounds childish to me and I don't feel that certain of him yet.  It does not mean that I don't like him or that he might not be 'the one'; it just means three months is too soon for a less impulsive adult.

[Saracena]

2 hours ago, viking37 said:

. But to me once u r in a relationship think it gets serious and not sure how to handle or figure it oit.

Firstly, how did you feel after this discussion? 

From the way she expressed herself, it does sound like she associates it with something more serious ie must lead somewhere,  than what you meant below, dating exclusively, which is what you're actually doing. Probably based on what she is used to according to her own dating culture. Did you explain this to her?  Reckon is so,  you would have more clarity on this. Think you should at some point.

She is only in UK for 5/6 months and you are the first one she's dated in this system.

As an observation though (meant to say based on last few posts and this applies to relationships in general) it would be best not to be tooo available to her all the time. 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, at the end of the day, when two people are really into each other and want the same things - it is not this difficult. 

I think you are over-complicating all of this with assumptions about cultural or commitment issues or whatever else. In reality? I think she is just not that into and enjoys you right now but doesn't really see anything more with you. 

 

[viking37]

I think she’s made it clear she isn’t seeing anyone else and has said she likes me She is talking about me to all her friends and colleagues and wants to plan a city break a month into the future and a bunch of other activities.  And she’s become a lot more affectionate. To me that means things are progressing. And when things are going well which they seem to be I can understand she doesn’t want to complicate things.

She clearly doesn’t want anything serious right now but after 2 months that is fair enough and I’m inclined to agree the focus should be on having fun, getting to know each other better, and allowing our feelings to develop naturally. 
 

And maybe there is some self deception going on. By telling herself we aren’t in a relationship she can pretend we can’t break up and there is nothing to lose because relationships obviously end as she’s experienced many times but you can’t finish something you haven’t started. 

But anyway I think we should last until the end of the year and can maybe reassess then 
 

 

[viking37]

Oh and agree we are probably texting too much and seeing each other too much. What is the best way to manage that? 

I think there is a risk she could get bored or she could start getting too attached which might scare her if she’s worried about commitment or getting too involved. And of course absence makes the heart fonder and gives her space to figure things out in her own mind. 
 

But she is quite sensitive so if she senses I’m not as keen to see her or talk to her she will react badly and I’ve been pretty accommodating so far. Generally I ask her out once a week and she’ll then suggest something midweek or on another weekend day. And she continues to initiate the majority of the texts and keep conversations going