Girl I'm dating has suddenly gone cold and distant

[viking37]

Yeah you are right I can see how I came across as dismissive. I guess when I read her reply in the heat of the moment it felt like I was bothering her and she was telling me to leave her alone. Especially as I hadn't heard from her all day. 

And I guess my apology and request to tell her a better approach probably annoyed her even more as maybe it made me seem lazy and again somewhat selfish essentially asking her to tell me the solution when she probably doesn't know. And also she probably thinks I should already know how to treat her when she is feeling unwell and should not need to be told and my initial reaction was my natural reaction and obviously makes me seem uncaring. 

What should I do now? Obviously she ignored my apology and our conversation died. And probably she doesn't want to talk to me so I won't hear from her this week either and from past experience I know she can easily go days without texting me. 

Last week she was similarly quiet and also feeling down and I handled it badly then to but eventually she did get back in touch. But I guess if I take the same approach then I am basically doing what I said I would do of "leaving her to "enjoy"". On the other hand if she is annoyed with me then sending her more texts might just annoy her even more.

I was thinking maybe just texting her Monday morning something like "Sending you good vibes". It doesn't require a response so she can easily ignore it if she doesn't want to talk to me but I guess at the same time it communicates that I am thinking about her. 

Open to other suggestions too.

We already have tickets for a jazz concert booked for Friday but for that to go ahead obviously in some way need to re-open the channels of communication and if I only do that to confirm the plans for Friday then it probably doesn't look good either. 

 

[Agentra]

8 hours ago, viking37 said:

"Sorry, where did you get the idea I am enjoying my evening. I really dislike your approach when I am not feeling well. Last week it was "inform me when you are well bye" and now "enjoy" it is really bad. Would be even better if you don't say anything. Anyway you also enjoy your evening". 

I apologized saying I didn't really know what to say because I don't really know what is bothering her and not sure the best way to cheer you up. So tell me a better approach. 

And she ignored. 

This is just weird. In my opinion she's acting like a bit of a drama queen. If she struggles with something, of course I empathise, but she can still choose to be polite. I'd back off.. 

[FMW]

She sounds like way too much work.  Do yourself a big favor and focus on meeting other women.

[ExpatInItaly]

When two people are a good match, there generally isn't this much grief and uncertainty and push-pull. 

It's not working, OP. You two don't mesh. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, viking37 said:

What should I do now? Obviously she ignored my apology and our conversation died. And probably she doesn't want to talk to me so I won't hear from her this week either and from past experience I know she can easily go days without texting me. 

You can only control how you react to her.

She became irritable with you and ignored your last text.

Instead of launching on a rant, she could have just as easily said, "I'm not feeling good" and left it at that.

At some point, I think you're going to have to decide whether you can handle her and whether this "casual relationship" is worth the hassle.

Edited November 8, 2021 by Alpaca

[Girl Fade Away]

OP, this is done.  SHE is done sorry to say.  Locate your self-respect and end it is my advice.  Stop analyzing HER, it does not matter.  It should have been done for you when she disrespected you at the bar flirting with other men in front if you.  There is no justifiable excuse for that, it was blatant disrespect. 

If this were a LTR, what you said would have been OK but only dating a few months, you should have called it quits immediately after that.. Assertively but politely. 

Reading your last posting, I think she has lost respect for you and when a woman loses respect, it is over.   She also sounds annoyed and irritated by you.  I apologize for the bluntness but this is just so done and nothing you say or do is going to fix it.  

Lastly, you posted: 

I was thinking maybe just texting her Monday morning something like "Sending you good vibes"

Stop rewarding disrespectful and poor behavior with kindness.  It won't work, it will irritate more than she is now.   Everything about this women is disturbing and disrespectful.  Again apology for bluntness, but It is no wonder she has lost attraction and respect.  I'm sorry. 

 

Edited November 8, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[viking37]

Hi Girl Fade Away. 

Could you explain your second sentence a little more for me....what did I say that was inappropriate  And also your sentence "it is no wonder she has lost attraction and respect" could you pinpoint what I did wrong so I learn for next time and this can at least be an educational experience for me. 

But yeah I have been in a similar situation a long time ago when the girl suddenly started being snappy and irritable and annoyed with me and on that occasion shortly afterwards I discovered she didn't want to see me anymore. 

And maybe also she is deliberately being mean to me to test me to see if I will take it or if I will bend over backwards to placate her. Perhaps the bar thing was a test as well. 

Although the strange thing is that on Saturday after our Friday date she was very chatty and asking what I was up to at the weekend. When I mentioned I might do a Sunday roast she asked me where I usually go and who I go with and then later on Saturday when she didn't hear from me for a few hours asked what I ended up doing and who I was with etc. and texted me through the evening even though she was catching up with a married friend who was visiting. And the previous night she was talking about future activities together. So I really did not see Sunday coming at all. Although maybe I should have done given she also suddenly went quiet a week ago. 

But yeah if she is going to be moody and mean to me then this casual relationship is no longer going to be much fun and it does feel like she will end it pretty soon so maybe better to end it first and maintain some self respect. 

 

Edited November 8, 2021 by viking37

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, viking37 said:

 texted her in the evening referencing one of our private jokes. She said "Sorry dear not so much in the mood today". 

What type of joke? It seems like she was telling you she's not interested in hooking up or mindless texting.

If someone doesn't want to hookup or text, just drop it.

She knows your number so when she wants to go out drinking and have sex, she'll let you know.

[Gaeta]

OP, how do you connect with these women? They seem annoyed at you after a bit of dating. Do you always keep things at the surface? Like not asking why they feel bad?

I have a friend like that, he'll text hello what's up, l'll tell him l'm really stressed at the moment and he'll reply: l understand and nothing else! Ggrr! And he thinks he's being supportive by doing that. 

[elaine567]

She doesn't sound like she likes you one bit any more.
You rub her up the wrong way and then you seem to think you are still important to her...
Take the hint.

You, I guess lost her with the controlling attitude you exhibited..

[Saracena]

OP you both sound to me very wary of the other-both of you trying to figure out the others motives. You can safely bet she's probably doing the same thing. This in turn affects the way you tend to 'communicate' - it's not a natural flow of things. More awkward.

Also I get the distinct feeling from what you've written, you're far too preoccupied with observing her behaviour with little or no awareness of how or your actions/reactions might have contributed to a situation. You believe it's all her and not you. I'm not saying you're the perfect couple or anything like that, but I do think you need to be more self-aware....

[viking37]

In general we tend to have good banter, share the same sense of humour, have similar interests, enjoy planning future activities, and talk a bit about what is going on with our lives e.g. what we've been up to, what's happening at work etc. But generally she seems like a happy-go-lucky person and while she has mentioned occasionally in the past when she is feeling tired it is only after the last week she has expressed negative emotions. And I can understand my response to them was thoughtless and dismissive so can see she is pissed. 

Maybe is partly a cultural thing. I'm a Brit so we tend to be stiff upper lip and bottle up our feelings and emotions and do not really know how to respond when people express negative emotions. A standard response is "Let me make you a cup of tea". 

We had an argument a month or so ago and she said I was getting on her nerves and I should let her rest but used :)) and xxx so I didn't feel rejected and after waiting a day or so when I contacted her again she was friendly and everything was OK again. So I am not sure why she is just giving me the cold shoulder this time even if I am in the wrong.

But yeah definitely feels like I've lost her as the last few weeks haven't been that fun. 

 

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

In general we tend to have good banter, share the same sense of humour, have similar interests, enjoy planning future activities, and talk a bit about what is going on with our lives e.g. what we've been up to, what's happening at work etc. . 

Maybe is partly a cultural thing. I'm a Brit so we tend to be stiff upper lip and bottle up our feelings and emotions and do not really know how to respond when people express negative emotions. A standard response is "Let me make you a cup of tea". 

We had an argument a month or so ago and she said I was getting on her nerves and I should let her rest but used :)) and xxx so I didn't feel rejected and after waiting a day or so when I contacted her again she was friendly and everything was OK again. So I am not sure why she is just giving me the cold shoulder this time even if I am in the wrong.

But yeah definitely feels like I've lost her as the last few weeks haven't been that fun. 

 

Sorry I’m not having that. 
 

Im a Brit and I don’t do any of those things. I also don’t know any other Brit who believes that having a “cup of tea” solves everything. That is a stereotypical assumption, nothing more. 
 

You seem to be hanging onto this cultural thing for dear life. To “explain” all your issues with this lady. 
 

I’ll say it again; it’s nothing to do with culture. 

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

We had an argument a month or so ago and she said I was getting on her nerves

If a man I had been dating two months at that time said that to me, I would have been done right then and there.  I am sorry to say I don't think she ever liked you much, if she had she never would have been flirting with other men right in front of you, or said this:

"Sorry, where did you get the idea I am enjoying my evening. I really dislike your approach when I am not feeling well. Last week it was "inform me when you are well bye" and now "enjoy" it is really bad. Would be even better if you don't say anything. Anyway you also enjoy your evening". 

You cannot get much more rude and disrespectful than that.  If you don't mind my asking, what compels you to want to work it out with her?  She sounds awful.  This gets said often but instead of analyzing her, analyze yourself and why you choose to pursue these types of women, it is almost as if getting disrespected turns you on which I know logically you do not, but what is it then?   Is she hot?  You enjoy the challenge?  I cannot figure it.

Edited November 8, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[viking37]

Not quite sure I understand what was rude when disrespectful about her response. She was just telling me she didn’t like the way I reacted when she said she was upset and I can see how my reaction was dismissive and uncaring and others in this thread have pointed that out to me and I accept that. I was more upset by the silent treatment that followed. 
 

But yeah she is hot and most of the time she is good company and polite and considerate and we share a lot of interests and the same sense of humour. And I can be grumpy when I’m in a bad mood and not easy to be around so I’m trying to be understanding and give her the benefit of the doubt. 

[Girl Fade Away]

18 hours ago, Saracena said:

She didn't text me on Sunday and as I was quite busy too I thought nothing of it and then texted her in the evening referencing one of our private jokes. She said "Sorry dear not so much in the mood today". I was a bit taken aback and replied "Sorry. I will leave you to enjoy your evening". She texted back "Sorry, where did you get the idea I am enjoying my evening. I really dislike your approach when I am not feeling well. Last week it was "inform me when you are well bye" and now "enjoy" it is really bad. Would be even better if you don't say anything. Anyway you also enjoy your evening". 

My interpretation:  You referenced a private joke between the two of you and she responded she is not in the mood.  She preceded it with a condescending "sorry dear."  I interpret THAT as being dismissive.  You were attempting to connect with her and SHE dismissed you.  I would have been taken aback also.  So you responded with emboldened.  How was that dismissive?  I thought it appropriate and polite under the circumstances and I can guarantee you had you said nothing like she said she would have had an issue with that too.   

And her response? It was rude and showed a lack of respect towards you.   Criticizing your 'approach'?   Telling you it would be better if you said 'nothing'?  Confronting you about how you could possibly assume she was enjoying her evening?  Scolding you for telling her to enjoy and to inform you when she is well?  Wow wow wow,  I am shocked you find this acceptable from a women you were dating only a few months.   Controlling, rude and disrespectful but if you don't think so that may be part of the reason you have these types of issues with women.   I wish you better luck in the future.

Edited November 8, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[smackie9]

leave the poor woman alone. She ain't interested. Take a friend to the concert.

[viking37]

I texted her saying I was sorry I was dismissive the other day and was hoped she was feeling a little happier today. She texted back saying she’s been upset for a week and I didn’t ask her once what was wrong and she’s been going through a painful process and can clearly see that im not interested in what she is going through and just want to have fun time’s with her and she doesn’t want to discus further and I then saw she’d blocked me 

[Alpacalia]

Not that it matters at this point but what has she been upset over the past week?

[Girl Fade Away]

12 minutes ago, viking37 said:

I texted her saying I was sorry I was dismissive the other day and was hoped she was feeling a little happier today. She texted back saying she’s been upset for a week and I didn’t ask her once what was wrong and she’s been going through a painful process and can clearly see that im not interested in what she is going through and just want to have fun time’s with her and she doesn’t want to discus further and I then saw she’d blocked me 

I know you liked her so I am sorry it has come to that.  But she was looking for a justifiable reason in her mind to dump you and she found one. More like she created one.   There is a name for what she did, I cannot think of it now maybe someone else can.  Gaslighting I think?   She might also have been projecting. 

[elaine567]

Her ex was controlling...

Also
"I am not feeling too good"
"Let me know when you feel better" and
"enjoy"" -- she hated that.

So controlling and uncaring, unkind.
A winning combination...
 

[elaine567]

I believe after the sex she was really into you, but the bar incident turned her off you, then the "ownership" pep talk was a step too far.
She was perhaps depressed as things weren't going so well between you or she was triggered  by your behaviour(similar to her ex), and then you dismissed her with the "Let me know when you feel better...", by the time you said "Enjoy" she had already decided to dump you as a waste of space.
Your apology then fell on deaf ears.

[Gaeta]

To me she sounded like someone who had accumulated resentment toward you.

[Saracena]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

I texted her saying I was sorry I was dismissive the other day and was hoped she was feeling a little happier today. She texted back saying she’s been upset for a week and I didn’t ask her once what was wrong and she’s been going through a painful process and can clearly see that im not interested in what she is going through and just want to have fun time’s with her and she doesn’t want to discus further and I then saw she’d blocked me 

Sorry about this but I can't say I'm at all surprised as this is exactly how you came across to me. I'm not, of course saying you are ( I accept you thought you were bothering her and she wanted to be left alone) just that this is the way it comes across. (Actually, now that I remember it I thought exactly same thing when you mentioned she'd become distant the first time and wondered why you didn't ask her how she was)  I don't think for a moment she's gaslighting you-she actually means this. In addition, all this done over text probably added to misunderstandings.

 I think she did like you but wasn't convinced you really cared about her. That and the other incidents really turned her off.

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, Saracena said:

Sorry about this but I can't say I'm at all surprised as this is exactly how you came across to me. I'm not, of course saying you are ( I accept you thought you were bothering her and she wanted to be left alone) just that this is the way it comes across. (Actually, now that I remember it I thought exactly same thing when you mentioned she'd become distant the first time and wondered why you didn't ask her how she was)  I don't think for a moment she's gaslighting you-she actually means this. In addition, all this done over text probably added to misunderstandings.

 I think she did like you but wasn't convinced you really cared about her. That and the other incidents really turned her off.

Yes, starting to think that too.