Girl I'm dating has suddenly gone cold and distant

[Girl Fade Away]

These responses are interesting.  A few posters believe YOU were dismissive and controlling and I and others believe SHE was dismissive, disrespectful and controlling.  A bit of a drama queen if you ask me.   I honestly do not not see how your behavior could be interpreted as dismissive and controlling but not discounting the opinion of others.  I just do not see it myself.   It does not matter now however, she has blocked you so that is that.  All you can do is move forward and look for someone you are more compatible with.

Edited November 9, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

I texted her saying I was sorry I was dismissive the other day and was hoped she was feeling a little happier today. She texted back saying she’s been upset for a week and I didn’t ask her once what was wrong and she’s been going through a painful process and can clearly see that im not interested in what she is going through and just want to have fun time’s with her and she doesn’t want to discus further and I then saw she’d blocked me 

Yeah, she's got a point.   For what it's worth, your apology wasn't great either.  And at the end of it, you should have ASKED her how she's feeling.  Not just told her that you hoped she was feeling better.   The last sentence kind of underscored her gripe with you.  

 

[viking37]

Yeah I'm clearly partly to blame and this was the final straw for her on top of other incidents that have been discussed over the past few weeks which made her resent me. 

She hasn't given me the slightest hint what the "painful process she is going through" is. All she has done over the past few weeks via text was once saying "she felt a bit down tbh" last week when I asked how her week was going and then simply saying she "was not in the mood" when I referenced a private joke of ours. I agree I should have taken the hint and asked her what was wrong and probably would have done if we were on a date and she'd said something like this but all of this was via text and I had no way of reading her emotions and telling whether she was just experiencing the natural ebb and flow of moods (everyone gets down sometimes and it doesn't mean something is wrong and personally the last thing I want when I'm a bit gloomy is people asking me if I am OK and what is wrong) or if she was very upset. And on our dates she seemed OK. Maybe a little tired and low energy but she parties a lot and has a demanding job so that is not so unusual with her. And last week after my initial reaction the next day I asked if she was feeling happier and when she said "Nope" I said that if she wanted to talk I'm a good listener and to let me know if there was anything to do to cheer her up". She said at the time "That is a much nicer reaction. You are sweet". But conveniently forgot that tonight. And she didn't take the opportunity to talk when we met on Friday even though we were together for about five hours and she could have easily hinted then if something was still wrong and I might have picked up on it better then. 

Another thing which she doesn't understand is that I am sympathetic to the fact she is new in the country and doesn't know many people and I go out of my way to plan fun dates for her and help her explore London which is something she has always said she enjoys doing with me. I took her to the fireworks because I knew she had a bad week and I thought it would cheer her up and take her mind off things. And of course I care when at the end of every date I drop her off at her door. OK I only live up the road but I like to make sure she gets home safely because she is only a slip of a girl. And I picked her up from the airport after less than a month of dating her when she asked me to because I knew she had heavy bags. I also expressed concern that she was walking home from work through the park because it gets dark early and I said I'd hate anything to happen to her. She also has an insatiable appetite so I am always making sure she has enough to eat when she is with me even when it invariably means a late night snack as well as a dinner (and she always orders three courses which is tough on the wallet as I'm paying for everything). 

Weirdly she has unblocked me on whatsapp but hasn't said anything. No idea what that means. But I can't do this anymore. I'll always worry that if I say or do the wrong thing I will get the silent treatment and get blocked again and I find it emotionally very painful because I really like her (despite appearances) and miss her a lot when we don't talk or see each other for a while. 

[Girl Fade Away]

29 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

A bit of a drama queen if you ask me.

I neglected to mention overly sensitive and needy.  @viking37, you mentioned you are British.   I have British friends and they are wonderful people, kind, but reserved and can come across a bit cold and aloof at times.  I understand that and the way you responded to certain things, I would not have been offended or hurt by at all.  I am not a *snowflake* and do not need to be coddled when sick or not feeling well or when I had a bad day.  I do not mean to make this about me, but wanted to add that because there a many women like me and I do not want you to think you did anything *wrong.*  You were incompatible in natures and that is all.   Best to move on and look for a woman who is not so easily hurt and offended, if in fact she was, I am still not convinced of that.

Edited November 9, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

Naturally, if her ex was overbearing and controlling, she will be sensitive to certain aspects.

But that's not your issue to fix.

She wasn't also setting clear limits or providing you with adequate comfort about your current connection. Most people would feel insecure as a result of this.

Edited November 9, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, viking37 said:

 I then saw she’d blocked me 

Ok . Finally you have closure and relief. Now some other guy she jerks around can waste their money on funding her alcoholism.

Hooking up a few times and most of it not even that good, is not worth this type of headache and drama.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Date women who don't pick super expensive restaurants, order bottles of wine and tons of cocktails every time you go out.. when they know you're paying. Also find women who can afford their own place and transportation and don't have a bunch of DUIs.

[viking37]

Girl Fade Away thank you for the nice comments. Obviously I need to work a bit on my "approach" as she puts it but glad there are girls out there who wouldn't go nuclear because of it. Like you said we clearly aren't compatible. And I also share your view that she is using it as a pretext to break things off while telling herself it is my fault so she doesn't have to feel any guilt. 

Alpaca yeah I think a part of it is I do not really know where I stand. Our conversations tend to be superficial: flirting, making each other laugh, discussing shared interests, discussing future activities etc. It is literally only over the last week she has mentioned anything about her mood and I did not think she would want to confide in me given she just seems to think of me as a fun guy who entertains her at the weekends and interpreted her comments as saying she wasn't in the mood to talk to me especially as she only got back in touch last Thursday when she was clearly upbeat (and probably tipsy) after a night out with colleagues and suddenly keen to see me on Friday for the fireworks after previously ignoring me over my first insensitive comment "Let me know when you feel better". 

Anyway I'm unblocked but haven't heard anything from her today and that is probably for the best. I've found a friend happy to step in and accompany me to the jazz on Friday. 

 

[elaine567]

Maybe you need to start seeing women as human beings not just things to do fun stuff with and hope you get sex at the end...
If you do not improve your emotional intelligence, she will not be the only girl to dump you for being superficial and not "getting it"...

 

[Alpacalia]

I wasn't aware that she had DUI's.

Missed that part.

That could very well be the reason why she had not been feeling well and declined to share that with you OP.

Maybe she was nursing a hangover and that's why she was so irritable.

Any who, glad you found someone to go to the jazz concert with.

 

 

 

[spiderowl]

On 11/6/2021 at 5:14 PM, viking37 said:

Oh something else a bit off. After a month of dating when I tried to sleep with her she commented I never offer to pay. I explained in Europe it’s common to split the bill. She disagreed and said offering to pay was a way to signal you wanted to treat the woman and maybe I could invite her out sometime or we could continue as is but no sex. I took her on a nice date and she invited me back to hers at the end of it and while on that occasion I was a bit too tired and had a bit too much to drink to perform the next date she suggested a staycation and then we did sleep together and I’ve been paying for pretty much everything ever since. 
 

But it seems to me a bit off to me for her to expect me to play the provider role when she clearly doesn’t want any kind of relationship. And also she’s been texting me a lot and wanting to see me at least twice a week which again seems incongruous with the idea of keeping things casual. 
 

i understand in her culture it’s normal for men to pay for everything but casual relationships are not part of her culture so seems she wants to have her cake and eat it with all the benefits of a boyfriend but keeping her options open and not making any kind of emotional investment 

I think at first definitely if you want to treat a woman as special.  A guy should offer to pay, but she should not expect it all the time.  If you started out with splitting the bill all the time, then you are not really showing any romantic intentions - sexual intentions maybe but not romantic.  It obviously bothered her that you hadn't offered to pay and she was wondering whether you thought she was special in any way or were looking for a cheap friend-with-benefits.

I am glad you then changed things and offered to pay.  I feel the guy should always offer but most decent women who are earning would often share the cost or suggest taking turns or something.  Some women expect guys to pay all the time and I'm not sure what I think about that.  You get what you expect I guess.

[spiderowl]

19 hours ago, viking37 said:

In general we tend to have good banter, share the same sense of humour, have similar interests, enjoy planning future activities, and talk a bit about what is going on with our lives e.g. what we've been up to, what's happening at work etc. But generally she seems like a happy-go-lucky person and while she has mentioned occasionally in the past when she is feeling tired it is only after the last week she has expressed negative emotions. And I can understand my response to them was thoughtless and dismissive so can see she is pissed. 

Maybe is partly a cultural thing. I'm a Brit so we tend to be stiff upper lip and bottle up our feelings and emotions and do not really know how to respond when people express negative emotions. A standard response is "Let me make you a cup of tea". 

We had an argument a month or so ago and she said I was getting on her nerves and I should let her rest but used :)) and xxx so I didn't feel rejected and after waiting a day or so when I contacted her again she was friendly and everything was OK again. So I am not sure why she is just giving me the cold shoulder this time even if I am in the wrong.

But yeah definitely feels like I've lost her as the last few weeks haven't been that fun. 

 

I suppose it depends what her tone was when she replied she was not feeling up to things.  Did she seem to be saying 'go away'?  There could be a language problem here too, in that what she says might elicit a certain response from people in her own country but maybe is seen as being more like 'push off' in the UK.  I think you need to ask her what she means when she says such things, but firstly why can you not ask her how she is?  Is she unwell or tired, had a hard day?  If you can't talk to a partner about what is making you feel down or tired, then who can you talk to?  I know it is early days and you are just dating but you are both sounding each other out as a longer-term prospect too.  If she says she is feeling down and you cut off and say 'ok, enjoy', you are very quickly telling her you are the kind of guy who won't be there for her through thick and thin.  

We don't know if she's being overly dramatic or just using you for company when she wants it, but if you assume the best and just do the modicum of asking her how she is and, if she is not great, asking if there is anything you can do.  That is all that is needed to show you care.  People need to relate emotionally for a relationship not just on a play/fun level.  It is entirely possible that you find the play/fun level is all you need from a relationship (plus fidelity and acknowledgement of course) but she might also need a close friend who understands when she is not feeling at her best.

By the way, I'm a Brit too and although there is the 'stiff upper lip' tradition, I find it is mostly men who are cold and unemotional, though not all.  Your family background might have influenced how you approached things.  I have dated men who are more emotional and those who appear to maintain the 'stiff upper lip' all the time.  I can tell you that the latter do not last long because they are incapable of showing care and compassion.  Like men, women differ in what they need so you may find a woman who likes a 'strong, tough guy' would be more your kind of woman, though even tough guys often show a soft side when with their someone special.  That is what intimacy is about, it is not just sex, it is emotional closeness and being able to be vulnerable.

Edited November 9, 2021 by spiderowl

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

I wasn't aware that she had DUI's.

Where does it actually say that?

[viking37]

No DUis and she isn't an alcoholic. I think that is Wiseman2 using a bit of creative licence. She does drink quite a lot but that is not uncommon in hard working professionals who like to work hard and play hard and socialize. And I think she drinks a lot less in London as most of her friends are colleagues and she tends to be with me Friday and often Saturday night and usually she can handle her drink just fine. It was only the one time when we went to the cocktail bar that she had a bit too much and started acting silly.

The two hints she wasn't feeling well were via text. 

And I think part of the problem is she does see primarly see me as a friend which is probably why despite her lukewarm romantic interest and apparent unreadiness for any kind of relationship she has been texting me almost every day and spending a lot of time with me. So that is probably why she was so upset. And she did say that friendship for her was a very important part of a relationship once. Although personally I don't block and ignore my friends even when I am upset with them. 

[viking37]

Oh any idea what this whole blocking and then unblocking thing is all about? It seems very emotional and impulsive. I'd have thought if you are decided you are done with a guy to the point where you'd decided to block him to avoid hearing from him you'd calmly stick with the decision and move on. And if you unblock the guy surely it would be because you wanted to message him but she must have unblocked me last night as I first noticed I was unblocked in the morning and haven't heard anything from her all day. 

Obviously I'm not going to message her because she made it quite clear the other day that she is very upset with me and does not want to talk to me. But it feels a little sick and provokes some morbid curiosity in me and doesn't really give me the closure that at least being blocked temporarily gave me. 

Is she hoping I blow up her phone so she gets to enjoy the attention and then block me again when she gets bored of it? Does she want me to see that she is very much alive and online and still ignoring me? Or is she simply struggling with her feelings and trying to keep the lines of communication open in case she misses me and feels like talking to me again? 

I mean whatever I did to her and however upset she is this girl has been texting me almost nonstop for 2 months and seeing me at least two times a week and she's new in the city and I've been providing her with company and food, drink, entertainment and that is hard to find in a big city where a lot of guys are just looking for sex. 

 

[Wiseman2]

 

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

No DUis and she isn't an alcoholic. She does drink quite a lot

My comment after you stated she blocked you was that now you can date women who aren't heavy drinkers, expect you to pay for a lot of drinks and a don't have problems with alcohol misuse or DUIs. If you're back together disregard the comment.

[LynneVicious]

Now you’re overthinking it. Obviously, you guys done jive well on an emotional level. She blocked you. Then unblocked you. Be done and find someone else with less drama. 

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, viking37 said:

Oh any idea what this whole blocking and then unblocking thing is all about? It seems very emotional and impulsive.

Of course, she did tell you she was not feeling good, has not for a while. Why are you surprised she is reacting the way she is. She's not in a good place. Move on, she needs to figure herself out. 

Edited November 9, 2021 by Gaeta

[spiderowl]

38 minutes ago, viking37 said:

Oh any idea what this whole blocking and then unblocking thing is all about? It seems very emotional and impulsive. I'd have thought if you are decided you are done with a guy to the point where you'd decided to block him to avoid hearing from him you'd calmly stick with the decision and move on. And if you unblock the guy surely it would be because you wanted to message him but she must have unblocked me last night as I first noticed I was unblocked in the morning and haven't heard anything from her all day. 

Obviously I'm not going to message her because she made it quite clear the other day that she is very upset with me and does not want to talk to me. But it feels a little sick and provokes some morbid curiosity in me and doesn't really give me the closure that at least being blocked temporarily gave me. 

Is she hoping I blow up her phone so she gets to enjoy the attention and then block me again when she gets bored of it? Does she want me to see that she is very much alive and online and still ignoring me? Or is she simply struggling with her feelings and trying to keep the lines of communication open in case she misses me and feels like talking to me again? 

I mean whatever I did to her and however upset she is this girl has been texting me almost nonstop for 2 months and seeing me at least two times a week and she's new in the city and I've been providing her with company and food, drink, entertainment and that is hard to find in a big city where a lot of guys are just looking for sex. 

 

If she truly is blocking you for patches and it’s not just a lack of signal or something, then that is really not nice. No decent person would do that to a friend or boyfriend. If she is blocking you, then why bother with her at all?

[Girl Fade Away]

25 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

If she truly is blocking you for patches and it’s not just a lack of signal or something, then that is really not nice. No decent person would do that to a friend or boyfriend. If she is blocking you, then why bother with her at all?

No it is not nice, it is manipulative and another form of emotional control.  That has been my stance all along.  She is no 'precious cupcake' I saw it when reading she flirted with other men while out with you and blamed you for being controlling when you called her out for it AND her literally scolding you like a child for not saying the 'right' thing according to her rigid rules of how to 'properly' speak and react.

I reiterate my stance that @viking37you did nothing wrong.  I see no lack of *emotional intelligence* your response to her under the circumstances was fine, she is not a nice person, good riddance.

Edited November 9, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

@viking37 I have a theory about this hear me out.  I understand her ex was very dominant and controlling.  I am sure she is very embittered and angry about that and to avoid it ever happening again SHE has become the dominant controlling one.  She has become her manipulative controlling EX similar to how abuse repeats within families.  Only a theory but it makes sense to me. 

Edited November 9, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Saracena]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

Oh any idea what this whole blocking and then unblocking thing is all about? It seems very emotional and impulsive

That's because it was! A momentary, knee-jerk reaction because she was angry, frustrated etc, which she clearly later regretted, so she unblocked you. I wouldn't read anything further into it. You're way-overthinking her motivation here, when it was nothing beyond that. 

To be honest though, I would say she find it hard to get through to you......

[Acacia98]

On 11/8/2021 at 2:03 AM, viking37 said:

So Saturday evening seemed Ok. 

She didn't text me on Sunday and as I was quite busy too I thought nothing of it and then texted her in the evening referencing one of our private jokes. She said "Sorry dear not so much in the mood today". I was a bit taken aback and replied "Sorry. I will leave you to enjoy your evening". She texted back "Sorry, where did you get the idea I am enjoying my evening. I really dislike your approach when I am not feeling well. Last week it was "inform me when you are well bye" and now "enjoy" it is really bad. Would be even better if you don't say anything. Anyway you also enjoy your evening". 

I apologized saying I didn't really know what to say because I don't really know what is bothering her and not sure the best way to cheer you up. So tell me a better approach. 

I haven't read all the posts yet, but I'm starting to get the sense that this is someone who's going to manipulate you, take you round in circles, and make unreasonable demands. And then there are what appear to be mood swings. I suspect she's not in the best emotional health. 

[Acacia98]

18 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

These responses are interesting.  A few posters believe YOU were dismissive and controlling and I and others believe SHE was dismissive, disrespectful and controlling.  A bit of a drama queen if you ask me.   I honestly do not not see how your behavior could be interpreted as dismissive and controlling but not discounting the opinion of others.  I just do not see it myself.   It does not matter now however, she has blocked you so that is that.  All you can do is move forward and look for someone you are more compatible with.

I'm with you. I think he should have ended things the day she flirted with the other guys at the bar.

And @viking37, I'm sorry. I imagine it hurts. But, for your sake, I'm glad it's over (or at least it seems to be). It was painful reading you describe her disrespect of you then talk about how you apologized to her. There was something very off about your (brief) relationship. 

Edited November 9, 2021 by Acacia98

[viking37]

She messaged me out of the blue tonight saying "I wonder why it was so difficult to ask what was wrong". I said "Happy to try to explain but would rather do so face to face". She ignored this and continued "And the way you say hope you feel well soon so you can continue having nice time with no interest in anything I may be undergoing. Incredibly hurtful and you did many times now. It did not even occur to you that something might be very off". 

I said to her "Why don't you tell me what is wrong?" And she replied "For sure I don't feel close to open up to you so will deal with it on my own".

I said "i'm sorry you feel that way". And she must have gone to bed or something as didn't hear back from her yet.

But it is pretty clear she only bothered messaging me to have another go at me and nothing I say is going to be good enough for her. And she probably doesn't want to have the conversation face to face because its easy for her to duck out of the conversation at any point leaving me hanging or simply ignore me if she doesn't like my responses.

 

 

[FMW]

 

15 minutes ago, viking37 said:

as didn't hear back from her yet.

But apparently you're going to be waiting around for her next round of whining.

She doesn't sound very emotionally stable.  Is she really so hot that you are willing to put up with all this drama?