Girl I'm dating has suddenly gone cold and distant

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, viking37 said:

So maybe I just stupidly put myself in the firing line when something set her off and she decided to use me as a punching bag because she felt unable to express her anger at whoever is reallly hurting her (probably her ex).

Probably.

Sometimes an improper remark can be evocative of something a previous partner might say or do, bringing all sorts of lingering issues to the surface.

Still...

How can I put this delicately?

Stop being whipped.

You might as well leave your wallet and gonads on the nightstand at this point.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Stop being whipped.

You might as well leave your wallet and gonads on the nightstand at this point.

Agree . Cut your losses.

[argoscard1999]

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Another thing which she doesn't understand is that I am sympathetic to the fact she is new in the country and doesn't know many people and I go out of my way to plan fun dates for her and help her explore London which is something she has always said she enjoys doing with me. I took her to the fireworks because I knew she had a bad week and I thought it would cheer her up and take her mind off things. And of course I care when at the end of every date I drop her off at her door. OK I only live up the road but I like to make sure she gets home safely because she is only a slip of a girl. And I picked her up from the airport after less than a month of dating her when she asked me to because I knew she had heavy bags. I also expressed concern that she was walking home from work through the park because it gets dark early and I said I'd hate anything to happen to her. She also has an insatiable appetite so I am always making sure she has enough to eat when she is with me even when it invariably means a late night snack as well as a dinner (and she always orders three courses which is tough on the wallet as I'm paying for everything). 

This stood out to me. You seem to think doing practical things is enough to "cheer someone up", and don't seem to be communicating verbally. All these things are you thinking "if I do this, she'll somehow know that I'm doing them to make her feel better" when really, forgive me for being blunt, these are all bare minimum actions.

I walked a date to the station once, because that's what you do - there was no ulterior motive to it. That same date was upset once, mentioned she was stressed - to which I messaged back "is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" to which she responded "a call would be nice :)" - more communication. Not passive aggressive "enjoy your night" - which is, to be honest, looking very controlling, rude, blunt, uncaring, and also a bit immature, as if you're personalising every little action of hers. 

You honestly would benefit from trying to communicate with whoever you're dating, active listening, taking an interest in their emotions. Not everything is about where you took them on a date, or whether you paid for the last night out - those things are, in the long run, inconsequential. As a fellow Brit also, there's no such thing as a "stiff upper lip" when it comes to someone you're meant to be dating or caring about. 

 

[argoscard1999]

 

Quote

Another thing which she doesn't understand is that I am sympathetic to the fact she is new in the country and doesn't know many people and I go out of my way to plan fun dates for her and help her explore London which is something she has always said she enjoys doing with me. I took her to the fireworks because I knew she had a bad week and I thought it would cheer her up and take her mind off things. And of course I care when at the end of every date I drop her off at her door. OK I only live up the road but I like to make sure she gets home safely because she is only a slip of a girl. And I picked her up from the airport after less than a month of dating her when she asked me to because I knew she had heavy bags. I also expressed concern that she was walking home from work through the park because it gets dark early and I said I'd hate anything to happen to her. She also has an insatiable appetite so I am always making sure she has enough to eat when she is with me even when it invariably means a late night snack as well as a dinner (and she always orders three courses which is tough on the wallet as I'm paying for everything). 

Quote

 

1 minute ago, argoscard1999 said:

This stood out to me. You seem to think doing practical things is enough to "cheer someone up", and don't seem to be communicating verbally. All these things are you thinking "if I do this, she'll somehow know that I'm doing them to make her feel better" when really, forgive me for being blunt, these are all bare minimum actions.

I walked a date to the station once, because that's what you do - there was no ulterior motive to it. That same date was upset once, mentioned she was stressed - to which I messaged back "is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" to which she responded "a call would be nice :)" - more communication. Not passive aggressive "enjoy your night" - which is, to be honest, looking very controlling, rude, blunt, uncaring, and also a bit immature, as if you're personalising every little action of hers. And to be honest, that would put me off someone, too. No one wants to keep having to deal with a petulant person who says that every time they say they're feeling a bit down. It's slightly manipulative, and to be honest, annoying.

You honestly would benefit from trying to communicate with whoever you're dating, active listening, taking an interest in their emotions. Not everything is about where you took them on a date, or whether you paid for the last night out - those things are, in the long run, inconsequential. As a fellow Brit also, there's no such thing as a "stiff upper lip" when it comes to someone you're meant to be dating or caring about. 

 

 

 

Edited November 11, 2021 by argoscard1999

[Wiseman2]

On 11/5/2021 at 6:51 AM, viking37 said:

 she subscribes to the work hard play hard philosophy but she is no longer in her 20s and she is probably heading for burnout. . 

It seems like you were right. She is getting burnout from it.

[Girl Fade Away]

3 hours ago, argoscard1999 said:

I walked a date to the station once, because that's what you do - there was no ulterior motive to it. That same date was upset once, mentioned she was stressed - to which I messaged back "is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" to which she responded "a call would be nice :)" - more communication. Not passive aggressive "enjoy your night" - which is, to be honest, looking very controlling, rude, blunt, uncaring, and also a bit immature, as if you're personalising every little action of hers. 

Emboldened -  so he should coddle her, a grown arse woman who has a voice and capable of communicating when upset or feeling 'off.'   OK fair enough, that is what she needs.  No judgment. 

However, that is NOT the OP, at least not yet at only 2 months dating and after SHE so blatantly disrespected HIM at the bar flirting with other men.  And even if that IS what she needs, is there not another way of speaking to him about it other than aggressively ranting and raving?  

The thing I cannot stop thinking about is would she be THIS angry, blocking, unblocking, ranting ad nauseum if she no longer had feelings for him?  I do not think she would. She would be indifferent and end it in a calm emotionless way.  Anger, ranting, blocking, unblocking often means passion, emotion.  Some people sulk and pout when hurt, she gets angry.  She rants and raves.  She gets emotional.  HIS passive response and placating angers her even more, she seeks FIRE and PASSION.  Trying to light a fire under his butt.  Call it 'new relationship growing pains'.

OP, this is not over.  You WILL be hearing from her again, another rant is my guess. More accusations.  I have no more advice, it is up to you.  

 

[Alpacalia]

Thank goodness.

 

[Acacia98]

OP, all I can suggest is that you block her. She sent you that rant then blocked you so that you'd feel shitty that you couldn't respond. Then she unblocked you because she enjoys having you following her around like an adoring puppy and then kicking you (figuratively) to hurt you. She actually enjoys (for lack of a better word) the fights. They are staged dramas with predetermined outcomes. If you want to "win," you won't do so with a smart argument. Your best bet is to simply ignore her and block her. As someone else pointed out, once she realizes she can no longer play this game, she'll find a new victim to replace you.

[viking37]

Acacia: yeah I have already figured out that she has no interest in understanding where I am coming from and she is quite clever at putting a negative spin on everything I say and accusing me of being hurtful/selfish/uncaring etc. And yeah I think the blocking and disappearing acts are indeed so that I have no chance to respond. I am not going to block because I want to maintain the moral high ground and not give her the satisfaction but I am certainly not going to respond to her when she adopts the aggressive and condescending tone and tells me off like I am a small child. 

Girl Fade Away: I am curious despite myself for the same reason. Like you I thought "the lady doth protest too much" and it was just mock outrage to give her a pretext for dumping me. But it would have been a short act followed by a unceremonious dumping and blocking and I'd never hear from her again. But this has been dragging on since Sunday. 

Also probably it was getting a bit boring between us. We've been in this routine of going out on the town every weekend: restaurants, bars, jazz clubs, cinemas with the evening occasionally ending in sex at her place. We text all the time but until recently it has been very friendly just making jokes, talking about shared interests, planning future activities, flirting a little and so on. I have been playing it cool because she was giving the impression she wasn't looking for anything serious and I did not want to scare her off by coming on too strong. So maybe the flirting with the guys in the bar and escalating this as much as she has is her trying to stoke the fire. 

I think also it is possible that a girl this emotional is not capable of casual sex and our relationship becoming sexual has made her particularly sensitive to my imagined neglect. Her "breakup text" also had something about "expecting intimacy" and how "especially me" should have been there for her. So maybe she has become emotionally attached to me in spite of herself. And that could also explain why she is fighting with herself because she has figured out that we are not compatible but is finding it hard to walk away which ironically is probably the same situation I find myself in. And I guess it might also explain why after being so warm and affectionate during our staycation together she has since been a bit cold and distant and unaffectionate as it might have been her trying to hold back because she was struggling to deal with the intimacy that sex entails and maybe she was hurt that I continued to play it cool instead of showing more interest and pushing for a commitment. 

On the other hand I might just be a convenient punching bag and an ego boost/source of attention as she is unable to take it out on whoever is a negative source of energy in her life. But really I think by now with the help of everyone on here I don't think further guilt tripping will work and I won't feel at all inclined to respond to it so maybe she will just get bored and move on. 

I know I should just walk away but I've run out of stuff to watch on Netflix and I am hoping that this might actually accelerate the healing process by turning me off because it is starting to make her seem uglier in my eyes and what actually attracted me to her (besides the fact that as some members on here have figured out she looks like an angel) was she used to be super enthusiastic, had a real sense of fun, a great sense of humour, and believe it or not used to be kind and understanding. 

Well we will see what tonight holds but I think my strategy will be just to ignore her the second she starts ranting and being aggressive. I guess she will either realize the game is over and block me and move on. Or she will try being civil. 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, do you genuinely still expect this to develop into something healthy and thriving? 

[Supernova11]

People need to be really into you. If they’re not, its a waste of time. Let it go and give yourself a massive congratulations for being smart enough to see when you can spend your time on better things.

[Alpacalia]

Why can't you just accept the fact that she doesn't see things the same way you do? She didn't like it when you suggested she introduce you as her date, and she didn't like how you came across while she was sick. You may disagree, but that's how she feels.

For the same reasons, you dislike some of what she did.

All you're doing at this point is arguing about the things you don't like about each other.

 

[basil67]

@viking37 going by all the things you're unhappy about with her, this is sounding equally toxic on both sides.   I would advise you to let it go before your anger and frustration overcomes you.   

[Saracena]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

 She sent you that rant then blocked you so that you'd feel shitty that you couldn't respond. 

Not necessarily.  There are other reasons people do this, one of which is far more likely in this case. Since her messages are undoubtedly emotionally driven, she may not simply be able to handle what,  in her eyes are his 'upsetting' responses. Hence the unblocking when she has calmed-down more.

[Girl Fade Away]

36 minutes ago, Saracena said:

Since her messages are undoubtedly emotionally driven, she may not simply be able to handle what,  in her eyes are his 'upsetting' responses

If she cannot handle his 'upsetting' responses, then she should NOT have sent him her angry rants in the first place.  Not continue to rant and then block to avoid what in her mind are upsetting responses.  

His so called 'upsetting' responses are him apologizing, offering to meet in person to discuss what troubles her like grown adults.  Which she continues to shoot down. How in any way could that be upsetting? 

 @Saracenawith respect,  why do you continue to defend this person?  At the least, she is mentally unstable, at most mentally abusive [ ]

Edited November 11, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
gendered debate

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, viking37 said:

maybe she was hurt that I continued to play it cool instead of showing more interest and pushing for a commitment

That is how I see it.
She was all touchy feely and loved up after the sex, but you kept your distance...
I guess she wants to see some sign of care and passion for her from you, hence the continued contact.

[Girl Fade Away]

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That is how I see it.
She was all touchy feely and loved up after the sex, but you kept your distance...
I guess she wants to see some sign of care and passion for her from you, hence the continued contact.

I do think this is possible and think I mentioned in previous post.  She feels hurt (right or wrong) and expresses that hurt through ANGER.  She needs to see some passion from you, some fire.  Your passive nature and emotional distance does not cut it for her.

 Maybe that is how her family expressed caring and love, with drama, arguments, fiery passion.  

I know families like this.  Lots of arguments and drama but they care about and love each other to death.  @viking37do you know what her upbringing was like? 

This is all speculation and I am giving her huge benefit of doubt but it is possible.

Edited November 11, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Angelle]

6 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Emboldened -  so he should coddle her, a grown arse woman who has a voice and capable of communicating when upset or feeling 'off.'   OK fair enough, that is what she needs.  No judgment. 

However, that is NOT the OP, at least not yet at only 2 months dating and after SHE so blatantly disrespected HIM at the bar flirting with other men.  And even if that IS what she needs, is there not another way of speaking to him about it other than aggressively ranting and raving?  

The thing I cannot stop thinking about is would she be THIS angry, blocking, unblocking, ranting ad nauseum if she no longer had feelings for him?  I do not think she would. She would be indifferent and end it in a calm emotionless way.  Anger, ranting, blocking, unblocking often means passion, emotion.  Some people sulk and pout when hurt, she gets angry.  She rants and raves.  She gets emotional.  HIS passive response and placating angers her even more, she seeks FIRE and PASSION.  Trying to light a fire under his butt.  Call it 'new relationship growing pains'.

OP, this is not over.  You WILL be hearing from her again, another rant is my guess. More accusations.  I have no more advice, it is up to you.  

 

She wants a reaction, if you're right. My sister did this to me once. Long story, but I was trying to remain calm, understanding that she was upset over something that wasn't my fault, but I was the one who was there to take the brunt of her emotions. The more understanding I was, the more she got angry. As soon as she got a more prickly response, she took off upstairs. Later on, she apologized. 

I've been that angry, and I wasn't just angry with him, I was angry with myself. But he screwed with my head, and it was one of those times when I realized that no amount of communication matters, when they know exactly what's wrong, but don't care, and just expect you to get past it. 

[Angelle]

44 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

If she cannot handle his 'upsetting' responses, then she should NOT have sent him her angry rants in the first place.  Not continue to rant and then block to avoid what in her mind are upsetting responses.  

His so called 'upsetting' responses are him apologizing, offering to meet in person to discuss what troubles her like grown adults.  Which she continues to shoot down. How in any way could that be upsetting? 

 @Saracenawith respect,  why do you continue to defend this person?  At the least, she is mentally unstable, at most mentally abusive [ ]

It isn't coddling to ask someone if they can do something to make something better. Rather than just trying to cheer someone up, and assuming that's the right way to go about it. Basically what argoscard said above. Maybe she is afraid of communicating what she really feels, and it's easier to get angry and push away.

Edited November 11, 2021 by Angelle

[Girl Fade Away]

3 minutes ago, Angelle said:

It isn't coddling to ask someone if they can do something to make something better. Rather than just trying to cheer someone up, and assuming that's the right way to go about it. Basically what argoscard said above. Maybe she is afraid of communicating what she really feels, and it's easier to get angry and push away.

You are right, coddle was the wrong word, tnx.  Agree with emboldened. 

[viking37]

Girl Fades Away: her parents sound very nice. Basically she is a spoilt princess. Went to private schools, rode horses, parents rewarded her with luxury gifts, and I think she has tended to have older rich boyfriends and boasted once that her exes considered her a trophy girlfriend. Interestingly one of her boyfriends was actually German and that relationship lasted quite a long time and German guys are quite similar to English guys and not at all macho. Obviously the ex-husband was a macho and put her off Turkish men completely or so she says. But I imagine she throws tantrums when she doesnt get what she wants. I'm not convinced it is her love language. But maybe it is her way of creating some drama because she was getting a bit bored of the weekly dates. 

I wouldn't say I was emotionally distant. I am affectionate and was very smitten with her and continued showing affection towards her after having sex. The only time I would say she was affectionate was during the staycation when she seemed loved up but subsequent dates she didn't show much affection or respond that warmly when I hugged or kissed her. But that could be some avoidant thing where she briefly let her guard down as she got swept away in the staycation then put it back up ever since. Personally I think she is emotionally unavailable perhaps because she is not over her divorce or clearly cannot handle emotions (as perhaps we are currently seeing) but maybe she's now showing she cares more than she originally let on because she does seem to be getting very emotional over perceived "neglect" from a guy she has only known for a few months. Also in her long "break up" text she made that comment about how she expected that you, "especially you", should have been there for me. So maybe that indicates also that I meant more to her than I thought I did and I had some significance to her beyond just being a friend with benefits she casually dated at the weekends. 

Angelle: as well as offering to meet up to talk I have also asked her to suggest a better approach (seeing as she seems to dislike my approach so much) and also asked what I can do to make things right. She disregards everything I say unless there is some sentence she can pounce on and twist to make me sound like a selfish insensitive jerk. So I figure she just has to go through her process whatever it is 

Interestingly not a peep from her tonight. Thursday I think she usually goes out with colleagues given Thursday is the new Friday and so on. So maybe she is sticking to her decision to break things off or maybe even out flirting with other guys. Or maybe she is having a good time and isn't so upset any more and calming down. But I guess at least it breaks this "rant-block-unblock" pattern that has been going on for a few days now. 

Over the last month she's been seeing me every Friday night after work and usually Saturday night as well. So I guess if she does have any feelings for me this is when she might start to miss me. 

[jspice]

37 minutes ago, Angelle said:

It isn't coddling to ask someone if they can do something to make something better. Rather than just trying to cheer someone up, and assuming that's the right way to go about it. Basically what argoscard said above. Maybe she is afraid of communicating what she really feels, and it's easier to get angry and push away.

Absolutely right. 
I don’t know how trying to comfort someone  has now become “coddling”.

it’s a pretty normal expectation I’m a relationship. It doesn’t mean she’s “mentally unstable”. I thought we weren’t supposed to diagnose mental conditions here. 

[Alpacalia]

Begs the question why you still want to date her.

 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Saracena said:

Not necessarily.  There are other reasons people do this, one of which is far more likely in this case. Since her messages are undoubtedly emotionally driven, she may not simply be able to handle what,  in her eyes are his 'upsetting' responses. Hence the unblocking when she has calmed-down more.

I'm convinced that berating him and blocking him satisfies her because of the pattern of behavior on her part that seems calculated to make him feel worthless. This goes right back to the flirtation with the other men at the bar (which was much worse than simple flirtation in the post where OP described it).

The fact that she keeps finding reasons to diminish him tells me she's getting something out if it. 

Btw, I don't think our interpretations of her behavior are mutually exclusive. It is possible for both things to be simultaneously true. But I think it's important for OP to recognize that she gets some enjoyment/satisfaction out of all of this so that he can walk away. As long as he leans toward sympathizing with her, he will feel obligated to try to understand her and fix the problem, which is likely to prevent him from shielding himself. 

3 hours ago, viking37 said:

I am not going to block because I want to maintain the moral high ground and not give her the satisfaction but I am certainly not going to respond to her when she adopts the aggressive and condescending tone and tells me off like I am a small child. 

I genuinely don't see remaining in a situation where someone continues to attack you as maintaining the moral high ground. I see it more as choosing not to shield yourself. And it has already taken a toll on you, you know? Listening to somebody rejecting you and directing negative energy your way again and again harms you in the long term. It impacts your self-esteem. It doesn't matter if you don't agree with her assessment and recognize she's being emotional. It still does harm.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, viking37 said:

I think also it is possible that a girl this emotional is not capable of casual sex and our relationship becoming sexual has made her particularly sensitive to my imagined neglect.

Wait...the way you've been writing, I thought she was your girlfriend and my commentary about you uncaring was based on that premise.     But if you were just there for FWB, then it's a different story.   Did you spell it out to her that she just a casual thing?   

Given that she got attached but you see her as only worth hooking up with, your continued engagement with her is inappropriate.  Refusing to block her is not taking the moral high ground.  Rather, it's just further twisting of the knife which is hurting her and infuriating you.  

Pull your big boy pants on and block her so that you can both recover.   Refusing to block her just makes it look like you're enjoying all of the drama.  You're not in a moral high ground here.

Edited November 12, 2021 by basil67