Girl I'm dating has suddenly gone cold and distant

[Girl Fade Away]

34 minutes ago, viking37 said:

Don’t think she is making it up.

Obviously she is back to texting me regularly and it’s dear and darling and xxx again and emoticons and she is now in the mood for jokes and initiating a lot of them. 

@viking37I am returning to clarify I did NOT say for a fact she made the story up.  It was only my opinion that she MIGHT be, based on many things you have posted which are not necessary to repeat.  I could very well be wrong in that opinion I hope I am!!   And I mean that sincerely. 

I DO however find it interesting that after discovering that an ex, a good friend and mentor was found hanging in his jail cell on Sunday, only 5 days ago, she is now back to being happy, texting regularly, initiating jokes with you, sending love emoticons, etc.   I don't know I find that odd.  Typically it takes weeks or months to recover from such a tragedy when someone close dies from suicide.

But maybe she is in denial, that is possible, I have been there too.  So I will give her the benefit of any doubt.  I do not know her and it is not my place to speculate or judge whether or not she is telling the truth.   I just find this entire situation odd, that is all.

Edited November 13, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[viking37]

I think we are all speculating and don’t see anything wrong with you suggesting it as a possibility albeit a remote one. 
 

I guess it’s easy to pretend you are ok via text and resume a familiar conversation style especially as it’s easy to pepper a text with emoticons and terms of endearment. And maybe she is trying to make up for getting so heavy earlier today 

[Saracena]

2 hours ago, viking37 said:

Don’t think she is making it up. But I’m wondering whether her reaction is not a little extreme for a guy she broke up with ten years ago even if he did remain a mentor and friend and of course first boyfriend always has some significance. Or whether it was necessary to tell me all the details instead of just simply saying she lost a friend and leaving it at that? 

 

 

No. Apart from knowing him for a long time, the circumstances behind his death are a lot to take in. Quite a shock for her. It also appears to be quite sudden. A lot more at stake here than merely 'losing a friend' to an illness, for example.  Since she would have expected you to ask anyway (most people would) she volunteered all the information.

Edited November 13, 2021 by Saracena

[Saracena]

8 minutes ago, viking37 said:

I guess it’s easy to pretend you are ok via text and resume a familiar conversation style especially as it’s easy to pepper a text with emoticons and terms of endearment. And maybe she is trying to make up for getting so heavy earlier today 

Agree. People grieve in different ways. And at this point, she's in all likelihood tired of feeling down and the texting is providing a nice distraction.  Helps to take her mind of things. Nothing more.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, viking37 said:

But she’s never seemed that into kissing or affection didn’t reciprocate on the number of occasions I directly or indirectly told her I liked her and hasn’t even bothered to ask for exclusivity. 

She doesn't like to kiss or cuddles? I don't think I'd be able to date someone who didn't like to kiss. It's such a sensual, intimate experience.

Usually in the beginning of dating with someone you're really into is when you have those deep kissing sessions where you just want to suck their face off.

 

Edited November 13, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, viking37 said:

 it’s easy to pepper a text with emoticons and terms of endearment. And maybe she is trying to make up for getting so heavy earlier today 

It doesn't matter what happened. What matters is she treated you like dirt and will again.

You're making excuses again. You already know she runs hot/cold. Beats you up one minute,sends kissy faces the next. That's all you know for sure.

[viking37]

Alpaca: I do not really know. 

I have the impression she is not really comfortable with PDAs. She seems a lot more willing to make out after lots to drink but that could also be because alcohol makes her horny and makes me prettier. But even then she does not seem super into it. She doesn't hug. Her preferred way to greet me and say goodbye is to offer her cheek. She seems comfortable with my arm around her shoulder or waist and likes to walk arm in arm as opposed to holding hands and got me doing that over the last couple weeks. And she'll sometimes rest her head on my shoulder or nuzzle her head against mine when we are sitting down next to each other. But basically she doesn't really initiate affection. Well she did a bit during the staycation but that whole weekend was a total exception to the rule and the only time she was acting lovey dovey. Even the sex was different then she was smiling and present and looking into my eyes the whole time and it felt romantic whereas subsequent occasions it was more passionate and wild (scratching, biting etc) but no real warmth to it.

My plan was to try to move away from nights out towards quiet nights in as winter approached and to see if with more privacy she'd be more affectionate etc. But obviously those plans were made before the developments over the last week. 

And yeah I think I would be more comfortable with someone more affectionate and loving and there is something a bit cold about her and I dont know whether it is because she just isn't that into me or is guarded or emotionally unavailable or whatever. And now of course she is numb and distant and understandably focusing on herself as she goes through her grieving process. And of course while I am now back in her good books that won't last long because she hates my "approach" so I'll do or say something wrong and get my head bitten off. 

And as was identified by others aside from the fact she is gorgeous all the blowing hot and cold probably also keeps me hooked despite myself and of course because she is so often cold and distant when she does look at me the right way or shows me a bit of affection or wants sex with me it feels amazing. And she also gives me a lot of attention via text (when im not getting the silent treatment) and ive been bored and lonely during lockdown so having my phone blow up with messages from this girl I like felt good. Well until over the last week when the texts became nasty.

Also because ex girlfriends have been givers and boring and very predictable and too accommodating and clingy and needy I'm probably overcompensating by going for the polar opposite. 

But I think now it is just too stressful and I feel I'm just going to be a shoulder to cry on and occasional punching bag as she'll be even less inclined for affection and sex and definitely not interested in defining our relationship or giving any kind of commitment and if I bring up that subject she will accuse me of being selfish or have a readymade excuse she isn't in the right place to think about such things so I think my emotional and physical needs won't be satisfied. 

And even if I do help her get through this once she is in a better place she won't need me anymore and if she doesn't have any feelings for me or doesn't feel we are compatible (which she has already indicated) she'll feel no qualms in simply moving on or properly friendszoning me. 

Basically she warned me a month ago when it was clear things were potentially heading to the bedroom that she was high maintenance. And I realize now I should have listened and realized I wasn't cut out to handle that 

What is the best way to get out of this without leaving her feeling abandoned? 

 

 

[Acacia98]

@viking37, at this point, I think you would benefit from spending less time speculating about her and analyzing her and more time trying to make sense of yourself and the previous experiences you've had that make you comfortable with staying put when someone treats you like crap.  It's worth considering whether emotional abuse was a factor in your previous relationships (e.g. familial relationships, romantic relationships).

[Acacia98]

6 minutes ago, viking37 said:

    What is the best way to get out of this without leaving her feeling abandoned? 

I don't think you can avoid her feeling abandoned no matter what you do. So do what sits well with your conscience and allows you to sleep at night.

Personally, I'd send her a goodbye message, including a couple of resources to help her deal with the grief that she's already going through. Then I'd block her.

Someone else might just respond less and less and then stop responding altogether one day.

Someone else might wait for her to start the drama again (as she inevitably will) and then use that as an excuse to block her.

What would you do if this was a proper relationship and you wanted to end it? Maybe thinking of it that way would help.

[Alpacalia]

36 minutes ago, viking37 said:

And yeah I think I would be more comfortable with someone more affectionate and loving 

so I think my emotional and physical needs won't be satisfied. 

What is the best way to get out of this without leaving her feeling abandoned? 

 

 

If she asks, you don't have to give a detailed reason for why you no longer want to date her if you don't want to; however, if she does, you can give a broad reason (similar to what you said above) and that you don't share the same dating goals or that you both handle emotional situations differently.

The other alternative is to simply cease talking to her and/or responding to her. There is no right or wrong approach given what's transpired between the two of you already; so it is whatever makes you feel most comfortable and gives you the most peace of mind.

Edited November 13, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, viking37 said:

 ive been bored and lonely during lockdown 

What is the best way to get out of this without leaving her feeling abandoned? 

Stop taking her out and buying her drinks. When that well runs dry she'll move on naturally.

However you'll need to get your mind in a better place. That means working more, getting a side hustle, volunteering, joining clubs, groups and getting involved in sports and fitness. 

You're not exclusive. Get on some dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to and meeting women for a low-key coffee . Find someone who's not into the bar and club scene to this extent.

If your life is an empty lonely shell, emotional vampires like this can creep in.

She'll be fine without you. She not poor. She can afford therapy and she has plenty of friends she goes to happy hour with regularly.

Edited November 13, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Saracena]

On 11/3/2021 at 12:32 PM, viking37 said:

I was a little wary after her bar antics and told her OK but you introduce me as your date and you are there to spend time with me and not collect new friends. She said OK. Dinner was nice but when we got to the bar she seemed bored and distracted and kept staring vacantly into space. Eventually she saw I was a bit upset and I said I was feeling tired. I took her home and she was still a bit distant and at the door offered her cheek. She then texted me saying "Sorry I was just feeling tired after late night last night". I said "Yeah me too. Maybe we should have called it a night after dinner. But it was interesting to see the cool bar". She ignored this.

As an indicator of her lack of interest,  amongst other things you mentioned she never asked for exclusivity.

She was hardly going to ask for exclusivity was she now, given how you referred to yourself as her 'date'?  In the say way you were bothered by being called a 'friend' you can guaranteed she felt the same way. More especially now since you had slept together. Also she may have been waiting for you to ask.  It was from this point things started to go south between you two. Basically she didn't know how to pitch it because she didn't (doesn't) know where she stands with you. (Also dating is new concept for her) And for the same reasons neither do you......

However, I would put everything on hold for now, in the light of recent events.

 

[viking37]

Putting things on hold sounds like easiest thing. Normal service has resumed and she is texting a lot and lots of lols and ahahaha and ahshshsh and emoticons and it’s dear darling and Xs. 

She said she stayed home all day and night as she was having bad period pains and they were particularly bad this month. I gave her some sympathy and she started sucking up a bit. She knows I find it amusing she pronounces W as V and was sending me voice messages of her trying to say witches and wizards as she is watching Harry Potter. 

Incidentally she’s mentioned before she gets bad PMS and i guess stress might make it worse so could be a contributing factor to her being mean to me last week 

Oh i also mentioned I was trying to teach my mum about active bystanding which we had a seminar on at work in connection with equality diversion and inclusion in the workplace that I’d mentioned to her on Friday. She said “So you start with close circle. Good :)”

It does seem as though in her mind we are close even though we’ve only known each other two months and would fit with her being so upset that I wasn’t there for her. 
 

So I kinda feel putting on hold seems nicest. Happy to text if she is friendly. She doesn’t seem that up for socialising which suits me fine and if she does want to meet can just do sth simple during the day like coffee or a walk. And I guess if we aren’t going out on dates or sleeping together things will naturally cool off and it will probably be easier for both of us as I think we are both quite attached to each other while clearly not being compatible 

[Girl Fade Away]

Has she mentioned her friend who committed suicide?  Did she attend the funeral?  As a friend, have you asked her, encouraged her to talk about?  No pressure, but to let her know you care?  It happened only one week ago and the details, him being accused of rape then found hanging in jail cell, that is a double whammy and very tragic to say the least..

Her behavior now seems almost manic the way you describe it, she may be suppressing painful feelings, which could possibly lead to a breakdown.  It is important for her to lean on friends and family and not bottle painful feelings up.  Be there for her, as a friend.  Let her know you care and there for her if/when she needs to talk.  

No pressure. But she may need your strength to get through.  That is what friends do.  I hope she is okay.

Edited November 14, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, viking37 said:

 she is texting a lot and lots of lols and ahahaha and ahshshsh and emoticons and it’s dear darling and Xs. 

 contributing factor to her being mean to me last week 

 we’ve only known each other two months.

.She's shallow as well as falls into the "dramatic and erratic" personality.

That's ok, It's entertaining you. You're not close it just seems that way. 

She has friends family colleagues,etc she can talk to about anything serious.

You're more like entertainment and fun buddies and that's ok too. Just don't apply logic or treat it as a relationship.

[viking37]

She hasn’t mentioned it again. No indication of any travel plans. It’s a different culture and it will be a religious burial I think it probably has already happened. I’m focused on her making sure she is getting enough to eat getting enough rest and being kind to herself. Also asked her to let me know if she needed anything if she was too tired to go to the shops etc. She was talking earlier about a house party she was invited to and how it might be a distraction. I told her not to feel any obligation and to do what feels best. In the end she decided to stay in and watch a movie because of her period pains and said it felt too hard to push herself to go out. I told her not to push herself to do anything and to listen to her body and do what feels right. I also suggested magnesium for the period pains which she agreed was a good idea.

She asked what I was up to during the day and I said I was seeing Christmas lights and markets took some photos and said I’d take her when she feels up to it I also showed her an advert for an exhibition she might like about faberge she said looks very interesting and we could maybe go next weekend I said I’d be happy to accompany her but it’s on till the end of the year so she can decide closer to the time. 

Wouldn’t say she is manic. She is making jokes with me and laughing at mine and is very chatty and so on but she was curled up on her sofa and slept early and didn’t go out Friday or Saturday night which seems sensible and she’s been sleeping a lot. And as I pointed out easy to do all this by text. On Friday she was quite flat looked drained and vacant and numb and was a little tearful. 
 

If I’ve missed anything and there is something else I should have done or said let me know. 

But I guess I should check in on her regularly, ask how she is feeling, leave it to her to suggest meeting if she wants company while occasionally reminding her to let me know if she needs anything or if I can do anything for her. 
 

Should I suggest she considers going back as seeing family and friends might help and her work will probably understand let her take leave or work remotely? 
 

But yeah I think I can be there for her as a friend. She doesn’t have many people in London with her close friends and family back in her country and she seems to think of me as a close friend 

[Girl Fade Away]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

.She's shallow as well as falls into the "dramatic and erratic" personality.

That's ok, It's entertaining you. You're not close it just seems that way. 

She has friends family colleagues,etc she can talk to about anything serious.

You're more like entertainment and fun buddies and that's ok too. Just don't apply logic or treat it as a relationship.

That is very true but the reason she angrily lashed out at him for 3 days straight last week was due to his lack of caring and concern.  So apparently it IS important to her or so she claims.  That is why I suggested it..  But now suddenly she no longer needs him to care? 

I agree she is shallow but the two extremes in behavior within a very short time I find extremely odd.  @viking37  I would like to see you distance yourself from her altogether, my fear for you is she going to have another lash out and be come hurtful.. Her behavior is erratic. 

Edited November 14, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[viking37]

And I’m ok if she is seeing me as someone fun she can joke with and flirt with and that takes her mind off things.

I have always considered her as primarily seeing me as a source of entertainment and attention so can play that role: And if she wants emotional support will do my best to provide that although not my forte. 
 

And yeah not thinking about a relationship. It is clear we aren’t compatible and I don’t think she has any feelings for me anyway and clearly she’s not ready for anything and probably just wants a good friend and as I don’t think I’m interested in a relationship with her while still being quite fond of her I think I can be that at least while she gets through the worst of it. 
 

But I assume I should feel no guilt in trying to meet other women I might be more compatible with who are ready for a relationship 

[viking37]

And yeah I’m trying to stay emotionally detached and if she lashes out again I won’t engage and will simply ignore her so she can calm down and regain perspective which she seemed to do this week 

[Girl Fade Away]

23 minutes ago, viking37 said:

And yeah I’m trying to stay emotionally detached and if she lashes out again I won’t engage and will simply ignore her so she can calm down and regain perspective which she seemed to do this week 

OK.  You wrote in a previous post you have become bored and turned off by more 'normal stable women if I read your post correctly so apparently her erratic-ness suits you.  Maybe even excites you a little bit?  Challenging, mentally stimulating.

Cool beans, seems like you know what you are doing.  Best to you. 

Edited November 14, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[viking37]

Obviously she’s not boring and that is part of the appeal as I’ve been in boring but comfortable relationships and lockdown has made life pretty dull as well. And I like all the attention she gives me and miss it when she becomes distant or gives me the silent treatment. 
 

Also I’m not blind to her faults. I know she is shallow and materialistic and status obsessed and selfish and delusional and so on. But she’s amusing and can be very charming and occasionally she can be rather sweet and a part of me enjoys spoiling and indulging her. Like I said I’m fond of her maybe I have horrible taste and of course it helps she is incredibly pretty. 
 

And in a way understanding we aren’t compatible and she’s high maintenance and not relationship material helps. I don’t think I’ll be as accommodating in future and I certainly won’t placate her the way I did last week. 
 

And I think quitting her cold turkey (pun intended) might be a bit difficult for me 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

I assume I should feel no guilt in trying to meet other women I might be more compatible with who are ready for a relationship 

True. It's a couple of months of fun and drama.

Think about it this way: Look at her judgement. Her exes are rapists and suicidal. So do you want to be in that bunch?

Enjoy the ride but you're not exclusive so it's ok to look for women who are more compatible suitable and not this histrionic.

[viking37]

She texted me this morning with a list of Christmas markets asked which I suggested as she knew I checked some out yesterday. Few hours later she sent me some photos from the market. I asked who she was hanging out with and she said alone today. So I guess she is taking baby steps getting back out there knowing she can leave any time and go home which seems sensible. I guess it is a week since the news reached her and last Sunday must have been hell for her but she seems ok she was making fun of the build a bear stall where you have someone’s face inside a bear and said it looks creepy as hell and she asked me where she could find mulled wine and when she found it took a photo of it. 
 

To be honest I’d do the same in her situation distracting myself but being alone so I don’t have to worry about being good company 

I guess this evening should ask how she is feeling as once she is home harder to distract herself although I’m guessing she will watch movies and Netflix etc 

Edited November 14, 2021 by viking37

[Alpacalia]

I thought you were going to break things off with her.

What happened that you haven't?

Edited November 14, 2021 by Alpaca

[Saracena]

42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Her exes are rapists and suicidal. So do you want to be in that bunch?

 

Seriously? ONE ex was accused of rape.