Girl I'm dating has suddenly gone cold and distant

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, viking37 said:

Obviously she’s not boring and that is part of the appeal as I’ve been in boring but comfortable relationships and lockdown has made life pretty dull as well. And I like all the attention she gives me and miss it when she becomes distant or gives me the silent treatment. 

People are throwing around the term “shallow” but if you’re not walking away because you’re bored or lonely (and maybe at some point there will be more sex) what does that say about you? 

Desire drama, and you get drama, in spades.

[Girl Fade Away]

[Deleted]

Good luck viking. 

Edited November 14, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[ExpatInItaly]

You're doing the Pick Me!-dance really hard right now, OP. 

[Girl Fade Away]

50 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're doing the Pick Me!-dance really hard right now, OP. 

Agree and she will lose respect for you eventually for it too.  Become bored with it..  

You are used to being the rejecter so think about women falling over backwards for you and how it bored you and turned you off.  That is what will happen to her.  I have no doubt she has other men orbiting around her doing same, it works well for her.  

Google 'White Knight Syndrome.' 

Edited November 14, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

@viking37  you are writing this like she's an actual girlfriend.  Why all this hard work and drama over a girl who's just casual sex for you?   

If you're going to analyse and think about a girl like you would if she was your girlfriend, she's going to get confused and a bit screwed up.  Which is exactly what happened.  We can all criticise her for going nuts, but it's starting to be very clear that your own behaviour would be very confusing.  You're all hot and cold.  You can't be bothered asking about her welfare when she's not feeling good.....but are now making plans for the future.  This is just nuts.   No wonder she's confused.

If she's just a FWB to you, then treat her like a FWB.  

[basil67]

On 11/13/2021 at 8:20 PM, viking37 said:

But I think now it is just too stressful and I feel I'm just going to be a shoulder to cry on and occasional punching bag as she'll be even less inclined for affection and sex and definitely not interested in defining our relationship or giving any kind of commitment and if I bring up that subject she will accuse me of being selfish or have a readymade excuse she isn't in the right place to think about such things so I think my emotional and physical needs won't be satisfied. 

<snip>

What is the best way to get out of this without leaving her feeling abandoned? 

Why would she want to define your relationship or give any kind of commitment when you have been viewing and treating her as just casual?  Likewise, why would you expect your emotional and physical needs to be met by someone who you view as just casual?   If you want your emotional and physical needs to be met and to have commitment, then treat her as someone who you'd like to form a relationship with.   

As for how to get out of this without leaving her abandoned -  You made it clear that it was casual.  As such, she's not interested in pursuing a relationship with you,   I think she'll get over you very easily.

Edited November 14, 2021 by basil67

[Girl Fade Away]

After reading @basil67 posts I see this so differently now.  I am even understanding @Saracenaperspective now too.  When you began, she envisioned a relationship with emotional availability  and intimacy.  You asking about her welfare, etc.  That was NOT happening which explains the lash out, she was HURT. She even mentioned it, your lack of caring, lack of emotional availability and intimacy. 

Fast forward to now.  Based on your own inability to be emotionally available and intimate, she no longer envisions a relationship with you.  She sees you as a friend ONLY.  

I asked you earlier if YOU asked her how she is feeling about her friend's death.  It happened only one week ago!  You responded "SHE has not mentioned it."  Of course she hasn't, she does not think you give a c**p.  So why would she?

This thread is so confusing it has got ME in a mind spin.  I can only imagine how SHE feels but it appears now she has things in perspective.  You are a male friend, an orbiter, one of many. 

If you ever wanted a relationship with her viking37, you have lost that opportunity.  You also mentioned how you become bored and turned off  in stable 'normal' relationships, ask yourself if YOU might have issues with stable, close  committed relationships.

 

 

Edited November 14, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

@Girl Fade Away thank you for re-describing this.  With hindsight, my own post is a bit jumbled, but your post clarifies it beautifully.

[viking37]

I'm not convinced I buy this theory that she liked me and was interested in a relationship after we had sex together but went a bit cold when I didn't ask for a commitment and then even colder when I wasn't there for her. 

But I think you are right when you suggest regardless of what either of us wanted or expected it was a casual relationship and right now she probably just wants friendship and while I do care about her and enjoy her company and enjoy talking to her given the history being friends would probably lead to additional confusion either now or in the future.

Girl Fades Away you are absolutely right she has plenty of male friends who do stuff for her. A male flatmate who does DIY like installing her new heater. A Turkish friend at work who took her to an art exhibition on Thursday to try and cheer her up. A friend from back home also in UK with her in the summer she hung out with who abandoned her after declaring his feelings and being told by her she wasn't ready for anything. Friends in Turkey she goes drinking with in private members clubs and who pick stuff up she'd left at her exes. She's still friends with her ex. And she boasts about how she is a master of friendszoning and her colleagues mocked up a meme of her as Khalessi from GOT friendzoning the knight. And of course she is beautiful so if she wants to find male company/support etc she will be able to find easily so I am going to be easy to replace in her life.

And I guess maybe she is manipulating and using me to some extent and once she is feeling better she'll feel bored of me and want some new shiny guy to hang out and have fun with. And yeah I do not think she respects me. And I never really got the sense she was that into me. Yes she was affectionate during the staycation but that could have been faked because she wanted to get her hooks into me and make sure I didn't just abandon her after getting her into bed and then she realized she didn't have to worry about me going anywhere so stopped making an effort. 

Anyway I guess it is all too complicated as all the varying interpretations on this board indicate and she doesn't need any added complications in her life and I do not need to worry about her because she has friends and family and colleagues and is well paid enough to afford a good counselor and after two months and not being her boyfriend I do not really owe her anything at all and need to think about what is best for me and she doesn't seem to be good for me. 

She's continued to be very chatty this weekend. I've asked occasionally about her welfare, how she is feeling etc. and she's said she is OK and feels alright. She talked about it saying she did not believe he meant to do it and the circumstances looked fishy. I agreed and said it sounds like foul play and said she's always going to wonder but it will be covered up and she'll never get to the bottom of it but she should trust her instinct. 

She also suggested we go see some art exhibition next weekend and should book tickets tomorrow as they need to be booked in advance. 

And I think even before she started feeling not OK a few weeks ago first due to having a few bad dreams and then Sunday she was behaving a bit off. I was very affectionate during the staycation and didn't just disappear the next morning but spent the whole day with her with lots of nice activities and was very attentive. 

The following Wednesday she wanted to go to some Halloween party and seemed a little cold and distant. Friday she showed a bit of affection over dinner but then seemed bored in the bar and started flirting with other guys. Saturday she was OK over dinner but in the bar was vacant and distant and Friday over fireworks she wasn't affectionate at all but wanted to sleep with me end of the night although I guess then she might have still been a bit miffed I didn't enquire further after she said she felt a little bit down tbh. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 14, 2021 by viking37

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, viking37 said:

And I guess maybe she is manipulating and using me to some extent and once she is feeling better she'll feel bored of me and want some new shiny guy to hang out and have fun with. And yeah I do not think she respects me. And I never really got the sense she was that into me. Yes she was affectionate during the staycation but that could have been faked because she wanted to get her hooks into me and make sure I didn't just abandon her after getting her into bed and then she realized she didn't have to worry about me going anywhere so stopped making an effort. 

Well yes.  Why would she make an effort if she was just a casual thing?  If she was tempted to be into you, she would have had to suppress those feeling because the agreement was to be casual.  She was affectionate during the staycation because that was the agreement.  It was nothing about getting her hooks into you.  As far as respect goes, respect is earned.  

However, I can't see that she manipulated you.  Got confused and hurt, yes. But not manipulated.

You're making far more of this than it deserves.  

Edited November 14, 2021 by basil67

[Girl Fade Away]

@viking37  I never said she acted appropriately either, but which came first, the chicken or the egg?   If you are familiar with that expression.  And many women have male friends/orbiters, that is nothing new.   They typically get rid as soon as they find a man they can TRUST with their hearts, fall in love and enter into a committed relationship.  I did and many of my friends also did.

She never trusted you enough. She never believed you cared.  So here you are.  You can scream all you want about how SHE was this, SHE did that and not saying her behavior will win her any awards, but I do believe at least some of it was due to being hurt and confused by your inability to be emotionally "intimate," again she DID mention that in one her angry texts, did she not? 

Not trying to make you feel guilty only to reflect on how YOUR actions or non-actions contributed to where you are now.  And in the future, IF you DO desire an exclusive committed relationship, consider doing things differently. 

The good news is I do not think there will be any more lash outs.  She is over it, she no longer feels emotional about you which is where those angry texts came from. 

Edited November 14, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[viking37]

I'm happy to be educated for future benefit but aside from obviously following up better when she dropped a few vague hints about feeling out of sorts I want to know what specifically I could have done better to indicate my interest in something serious. 

Perhaps she is guarded and required me to be emotionally available and intimate. Incidentally could someone please define those terms in their words. While I obviously interpreted her being guarded as her not being that interested and therefore was scared to push for a commitment or come on too strong for fear of scaring her away. So I can understand some kind of misunderstanding may have arose. 

When she got upset I wasn't offering to pay and we discussed it and I said that its common to go Dutch in Europe and she explained for her it was a sign a man wanted to treat a woman to signal they like her from that point on I promptly offered to pay and have been covering all the expenses every since and the amount she eats and drinks that hasn't been cheap not that I mind as I always have a good time with her but it wasn't as if I was taking her to McDonalds or just inviting her over to mine. 

She mentioned after we slept together for the first time I was the first man she'd been with since her divorce. I asked "Why me" and she said that I was reliable, consistent and she felt she could trust me. And as I mentioned I didn't just disappear the next day I spent the whole day showing her street markets, cafes, sightseeing etc and was extra affectionate and attentive. 

And I did drop quite a few hints to suggest I wanted more than casual. I told her I wasn't interested in anyone else except her. I told her directly and indirectly on quite a few occasions that I like her and she never acknowledged or reciprocated. She could see the friends label bothered me which obviously indicated I wanted to be more than friends. I have always been very affectionate towards her and given her my undivided attention every time we are out together. She texts me all the time and I always respond promptly and contribute to the conversation. I asked her for help choosing my mother a souvenir and complimented her taste and said my mother would love her and I thought they'd really get along. I picked her up from the aiport after her holiday. I accompanied her to her PCR test a few days later because she said she might cry and I said I'd hold her hand or give her a hug afterwards. I did a 23AndMe DNA test with her because she was keen for us to do together (in part because of the 10% discount) and because she was impatient I wrote emails to customer service to find out the progress and tried to speed things up for her. I even tried to learn some Turkish to make her laugh and show I was interested in her language. 

Obviously she thinks I have the wrong approach and board members believe so too. But I've been trying to signal I am interested and care about her and it is not just about good times and sex for me. 

And if she'd given any sign of being unhappy or mentioned anything while we were on a date I think I would have picked up on it and asked about it. But really even during the week leading up to the Sunday news when I saw her once she didn't seen unhappy just a bit tired and bored. I don't know whether I should be asking girls on every date how they are and how they are feeling because if someone did that to me I would find it very annoying and being British obviously I'd reply I'm fine regardless of how I actually felt. 

Also when she did say last Tuesday she was feeling a little down tbh after my initial dismissive response the next day I did follow up and ask if she was a happier bunny and when she said nope I asked her if I could do anything to cheer her up and said I was a good listener, gave good hugs, could come up with nice plans etc. She said she liked my reaction better than the other day and I was sweet and thank you and went back to being chattier and asked about the fireworks and wanted me to come up with a plan for that. Obviously Sunday I had no idea and she savaged me so I was on the defensive and was confused and didnt think clearly enough to think OK just ask what is wrong. But again all of this was by text and I couldn't read her body language and it just seemed like she had woken up on the wrong side of the bed i.e. not in the mood rather than that she'd been hit by this tragic news. And 99% of the time when people are a little moody or down there is usually no major reason for it and if something is actually wrong they will drop stronger hints or just tell you something is wrong. 

I don't know. Would be good to know in more detail where I went wrong aside from the obvious of not asking how she was 

 

[Girl Fade Away]

Often times it is NOT even anthing specific you said, did not say, did or did not do but a non-committal attitude shows itself through the vibe and energy you project.  She is an attorney, obviously she is no dope when it comes to picking up such vibes and signals. 

I have had men chase me like there is no tomorrow and they had serious commitment issues.   I knew it and kept my distance which added to the challenge for them but for me a turn off. 

Repeating that you said yourself you become bored and turned off in 'normal'  relationships.  BIG red flag right there.   If a man said that to me or I perceived it through his vibe, I will also keep my distance if not stop seeing him altogether.  

I ask again, why did you not ask her how she is dealing with her friend's suicide?  How she is feeling?  Let her know you are there if she ever wants to talk?  So what SHE never mentioned it, I would not have either if I perceived a man did not care.  TBH I am a little shocked you did not. 

When she sent those angry texts mentioning she expected there would be more intimacy, when you were on good terms again, why did you not discuss this?  Ask her what she meant by that?  Or anything else she said in her angry emotional texts. 

THAT is intimacy in a relationship. NOT jokes, ahahaaaa, emoticons, and fun casual banter.  Or sweeping important issues under the rug and playing cool and casual. 

Edited November 15, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

2 hours ago, viking37 said:

While I obviously interpreted her being guarded as her not being that interested and therefore was scared to push for a commitment or come on too strong for fear of scaring her away.

Wow, I missed this.  Scared, fear.  That says it all right there.  And it is the kiss of death for a man who acts on those emotions.    

Since seeing things differently now, no she became guarded because she perceived YOU did not care. I also think that is why she 'tested' you by flirting with other men at the bar.  She was aiming for a reaction. It was not right, I do not condone those type of tests but they happen when we are uncertain.  It is a passive and indirect way of finding out how someone feels, how much they care without asking directly. 

YOU took it as meaning SHE was not interested and the snowball started rolling downhill from there. 

No offense viking but you seem passive and afraid to LEAD.  So you allowed her to call the shots, you became fearful of her and her reaction, started walking on eggshells, and allowed HER to lead.  Leading to where you are now which is a texting friendship.  A pen pal.

Why are YOU so afraid to step up and lead?  Be strong and fear-less?  Good questions to ask yourself for future. 

Edited November 15, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

2 hours ago, viking37 said:

I'm happy to be educated for future benefit but aside from obviously following up better when she dropped a few vague hints about feeling out of sorts I want to know what specifically I could have done better to indicate my interest in something serious. 

Your response to her feeling bad isn't about indicating your interest in something serious.  Rather, your response needs to be one which shows that you care about her and how she's feeling.  Simply asking "what's going on?" would have been sufficient.  

If you wanted to indicate that you are interested in something serious, the main thing would be to not suggest/agree to be something casual.  If you said it was casual, this was a very bad call.  If she said it was casual, you should have said that's not what you are interested in.  It's perfectly acceptable to to say No to being a casual sex partner.

2 hours ago, viking37 said:

And 99% of the time when people are a little moody or down there is usually no major reason for it and if something is actually wrong they will drop stronger hints or just tell you something is wrong. 

You're right that most of the time if something is wrong they will drop stronger hints or tell you that something is wrong.   And this is exactly what she did. You dropped the ball when you didn't enquire further.  It showed that you don't care.  

When someone is down, you're right that there's mostly not a major reason. But there will be a reason and this is why we ask.  If it's a small reason, they may reply "I know this is stupid or I could be overreacting but XYA nd Z happened and I feel ....."   If there truly is no reason, they will tell you "I don't know what's wrong with me, I just feel down".  When I feel bad for no reason, it's always sweet if my hubby goes makes me a cup of tea, or gives me a hug.   

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, viking37 said:

Obviously she thinks I have the wrong approach and board members believe so too. But I've been trying to signal I am interested and care about her and it is not just about good times and sex for me. 

It's perplexing because you say you care about her but you also say you like her because she's not "boring" and you appreciate the attention she provides you and that you aren't sure if you want a relationship with her.

I mean, if I suspected a guy I was seeing likes me because I'm not boring and that he enjoys the attention I give him and isn't sure he want a relationship, I'd be backing off.

22 hours ago, viking37 said:

And yeah not thinking about a relationship. It is clear we aren’t compatible and I don’t think she has any feelings for me anyway and clearly she’s not ready for anything and probably just wants a good friend and as I don’t think I’m interested in a relationship with her while still being quite fond of her I think I can be that at least while she gets through the worst of it. 

And then this: 

21 hours ago, viking37 said:

Also I’m not blind to her faults. I know she is shallow and materialistic and status obsessed and selfish and delusional and so on. But she’s amusing and can be very charming and occasionally she can be rather sweet and a part of me enjoys spoiling and indulging her. Like I said I’m fond of her maybe I have horrible taste and of course it helps she is incredibly pretty. 

Quite unflattering.

Maybe you both just really aren't sure about the other and perhaps that may have to do with the fact that this "relationship" went at warp speed.

Edited November 15, 2021 by Alpaca

[viking37]

Girl Fades Away: sorry I thought you were asking whether I asked SPECIFICALLY about the death. Of course I have been checking in with her asking how she is feeling and mentioning to let me know if she wanted to talk or needs company or any other kind of support. 

As I mentioned she's been going back to our old pattern of communication i.e. teasing, joking, sending each other photos, talking about our days, discussing future activities etc. But every morning Ive been asking how she is feeling and when her responses became a bit shorter yesterday afternoon I recognized this pattern from previous occasions and said I had to do some food shopping before shops closed but hoped she was OK and to let me know if she ever needed to talk or if she needed company/comfort/distractions etc. And later that evening she mentioned she'd been talking to her father and neither of them believed it was suicide and I listened and agreed with her that it sounded like foul play and told her while it would be covered up and she'd never get to the bottom of it she should trust her gut. She agreed and then changed topics to something lighter. 

Maybe you are right and this indicates she has decided to get her emotional support from friends and family and is just using me as a distraction. But my mum lost her husband (my father) five years ago and after the initial shock she also wanted to act like things were normal and have normal conversations and joke and laugh and it annoyed her when people kept asking if she was OK and being hypersensitive around her too scared to make a joke or say the wrong thing. So I am trying to take my cues from her while also occasionally checking in on her. 

She wants to see me next weekend for the art exhibition and when I mentioned there was a Russian restaurant nearby we could go to afterwards that I'd been wanting to go to for a while she flirted a bit saying "I guess you were waiting for a Russian looking girl to take with you" and said the place looked really nice. But no idea whether she is seeing it as just hanging out or trying to pick up where we left off. On Friday I took her home after and she linked arms with me as we walked to the station and on the train she rested her head on my shoulder. Not sure she would do that with just a male friend so maybe she is in the same boat as me not sure what she wants and in a holding pattern in light of recent events. 

For me it seems surprising that if she did have feelings for me last week they can just switch off because she has now decided I'm not capable of the emotional intimacy she is looking for. 

Also is it appropriate to discuss with her some of the things she mentioned in her texts to me last week? I would like to ask her what emotional intimacy she was expecting from me and whether she still wants it. And surely it would be entirely inappropriate to ask whether she still believes our approaches can't be reconciled and we are too different and should go our separate ways? And likewise whether I am being relegated to being just a friend or whether we are just on pause while she gets through this. 

Agree with the comments about not leading. I can see now that perhaps for her having sex was a gamechanger and she was then interested in a relationship and my follow up was wrong. Should I have said something? Asked for exclusivity? Asked her to be my girlfriend? She followed up quickly after our staycation suggesting the Halloween events which probably weren't the ideal intimate setting to further progress things and after our dinner on Friday I shouldnt have taken her to that bar. Should I have rejected her idea and suggested something more low key, romantic and intimate? 

Alpaca: I think there are differences between the reasons you are attracted to someone and the reasons you like someone. I've mentioned some of the reasons I am attracted to her. As for why I like her it is harder to put into words. There is something about her that touches my heart And she wasn't sure if she wanted a relationship with me either and made that clear from her words and actions. That seems normal given it was only 2 months. Agree re the warp speed especially the constant texting which I think has led to a lot of miscommunications between us and perhaps also made both of us think it has been a lot more than 2 months and led to high expectations on both sides.

Also think we don't entirely trust each other. Sometimes she gives me the impression she is taking advantage of me and also the behaviour at the bar was unsettling especially as I know she is very sociable and goes out a lot. Obviously on her side she is suspicious that I am only interested in sex and good times and this has been exarcebated by recent events. 

 

 

 

[Girl Fade Away]

@viking37have you ever been in a long term exclusive committed relationship or even short term relationship?   If so, how did you resolve conflicts?  Did you discuss, ask questions and resolve OR did you not talk for a few days, sweep under carpet and avoid discussing and resolving?  Hoping the issues would go away on their own?

Your answer will determine my next response. 

Edited November 15, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[viking37]

Yes I have been in relationships of both kinds. Although its been two months so don't think the relationship label fits here. I think misunderstandings are part of the parcel of the journey from dating to relationship but usually real conflicts do not come up until you are in a relationship. 

My approach has been to try to resolve at the time of the argument by staying calm and trying not to let it escalate and when that fails wait until the other person has calmed down, make up and then try to discuss if there was a real issue involved. 

My concern with this girl is that:

a) She is a lawyer so probably approaches discussions as intellectual debates she'll want to win even if it means twisting the other persons words/point of view instead of trying to understand where they are coming from etc. Already had a taste of that from her. 

b) She is quite structured in her thinking e.g. her approach is best and she is always right. 

c) She has avoidant tendencies e.g. disappearing/blocking 

Interested how you decide to proceed. Appreciate your advice and insights GFA and the time you are spending on this. 

 

 

[Girl Fade Away]

2 hours ago, viking37 said:

Yes I have been in relationships of both kinds. Although its been two months so don't think the relationship label fits here. I think misunderstandings are part of the parcel of the journey from dating to relationship but usually real conflicts do not come up until you are in a relationship. 

My approach has been to try to resolve at the time of the argument by staying calm and trying not to let it escalate and when that fails wait until the other person has calmed down, make up and then try to discuss if there was a real issue involved. 

My concern with this girl is that:

a) She is a lawyer so probably approaches discussions as intellectual debates she'll want to win even if it means twisting the other persons words/point of view instead of trying to understand where they are coming from etc. Already had a taste of that from her. 

b) She is quite structured in her thinking e.g. her approach is best and she is always right. 

c) She has avoidant tendencies e.g. disappearing/blocking 

Interested how you decide to proceed. Appreciate your advice and insights GFA and the time you are spending on this. 

 

 

@viking37thank you for the kind words but I was one of many posters giving advice and insights and I was pretty back and forth about the whole thing too.  But since you asked, I will repeat what I posted earlier, if you are OK with a friendship only, then remain friends with no expects for more.  However I get the impression you are really into this girl, more than a friend so for that reason I think you should walk away because you are so incompatible in natures I don't envision this every getting off the ground.  Plus I think she has moved on from it. Right now after being so hurt and angry last week and lashing out, she has shut down emotionally and you are one of many 'orbiters' in friendzone and once in the friendzone, near impossible to move away from that.  

Moving forward from this, try to be more honest with women about what you want. For example, as @basil67 posted, if she wants casual and you want more, say so.  Do not play games or try to be the cool guy, walking on eggshells too afraid to tell her what you want or afraid to lead fearful you may scare her off.  Women will sense that fear and their attraction for you will plummet REAL fast.  They will lose respect.  I know because it has happened to me with men who I initially liked.  But their passivity and fear of taking charge and leading caused me to lose my attraction.

I am sorry!!!

Edited November 15, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

33 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

My concern with this girl is that:

a) She is a lawyer so probably approaches discussions as intellectual debates she'll want to win even if it means twisting the other persons words/point of view instead of trying to understand where they are coming from etc. Already had a taste of that from her. 

b) She is quite structured in her thinking e.g. her approach is best and she is always right. 

c) She has avoidant tendencies e.g. disappearing/blocking 

Too add, these are not qualities you should want in a girlfriend anyway.  Friendship, FWB or casual?  Sure.  But if you are wanting an exclusive relationship, it might be wise to say away from women like this.  More trouble than she is worth no matter how gorgeous she is.  There are plenty of other gorgeous women with faces like angels who do not behave this way or as entitled as she does.

Edited November 15, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[viking37]

Yeah friendship wouldnt work for me at all. And she is already confusing me by texting me all the time like before and calling me dear and darling and talking about future activities giving me false hope. I mean we are talking hundreds of texts since she got back in touch on Friday. 

And yeah I'm starting to buy this idea that she opened up emotionally during our staycation and then closed off and has now completely shut down and I have reached a point of no return. I was thinking about it and the four occasions we got sexual were so different. First time it didn't quite happen but she was telling me she was ready for me and her voice was soft and quite tender and she was very understanding re me not being able to perform and followed up quickly suggesting the staycation. Second time was the staycation and she was present and smiling and very communicative during and after and of course quite affectionate the next day. Third time she'd had a bit too much to drink and was talking dirty and scratching biting and it was clearly her getting her rocks off. And fourth time was the strangest she was very quiet seemed emotionally detached and it felt almost like a hook up. But I guess by this point she was suppressing emotions/feelings and they all came flooding out when the news broke and I wasn't there and then ran their course and she shut them down because she realized I wasn't worth it.

But yeah could be a lucky escape as I saw some not so nice aspects to her that cannot be completely excused by the fact she was obviously under extreme emotional stress and understandably annoyed and upset with me and lashing out.

And I guess casual is completely off the cards as she's not in the right headspace after her tragic news and presumably if she did at one point have feelings for me might worry they could return and she'd once again end up disappointed. And of course I found the casual thing quite confusing while not having the courage to take the risk of scaring her off by pushing for more. 

I'm feeling a bit disappointed. But I guess it is a good learning experience for me and I can improve my approach going forward and next time round find someone who is definitely looking and ready for a relationship so I don't have the navigate awkward transitions. 

 

[Girl Fade Away]

20 minutes ago, viking37 said:

And of course I found the casual thing quite confusing while not having the courage to take the risk of scaring her off by pushing for more. 

I'm feeling a bit disappointed. But I guess it is a good learning experience for me and I can improve my approach going forward and next time round find someone who is definitely looking and ready for a relationship so I don't have the navigate awkward transitions. 

Hi viking, I wanted to comment on the emboldened   "Pushing for more" is not what I meant.  More like being confident, brave and bold enough to tell her what you want.  Where you would like things to go.  LEADING. And then asking her what SHE wants.  I don't know is that pushing for more?  Maybe it is but in a less aggressive manner, I do not like the word "push," it just sounds controlling to me.   Remember, when it is right between two people, these types of conversations should flow easily, they always did for me and the men I dated and clicked with.  I know sometimes in early stages there can be communication obstacles to overcome, but what you and she experienced, that was over and above.  It should not be like that, I think you know that.

I am so sorry you got disappointed and you are right it IS a good learning experience to take with you.  That is a great attitude to have. 

Edited November 16, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, viking37 said:

Alpaca: I think there are differences between the reasons you are attracted to someone and the reasons you like someone. I've mentioned some of the reasons I am attracted to her. As for why I like her it is harder to put into words. There is something about her that touches my heart And she wasn't sure if she wanted a relationship with me either and made that clear from her words and actions. That seems normal given it was only 2 months. Agree re the warp speed especially the constant texting which I think has led to a lot of miscommunications between us and perhaps also made both of us think it has been a lot more than 2 months and led to high expectations on both sides.

Also think we don't entirely trust each other. Sometimes she gives me the impression she is taking advantage of me and also the behaviour at the bar was unsettling especially as I know she is very sociable and goes out a lot. Obviously on her side she is suspicious that I am only interested in sex and good times and this has been exarcebated by recent events. 

Perhaps you're right.

For what's it worth, I had a whirlwind dating situation that lasted a few short months and a lot of your posts and the nature of your relationship resinated with me so I might have been a bit biased with my responses to you. I remember when I was sick and he made a very insensitive remark and it just threw everything off. So, I kind of understand where she was coming from in that regard. Especially considering the sudden death of her ex. But, I don't blame you for being put off by the way she chose to handle it.

In any event, I wish you all the best.

Edited November 16, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, viking37 said:

She wants to see me next weekend for the art exhibition 

Is the date still on? She seems to want to see you regularly, even if the sex is sparse or erratic. 

Do you think both of you living with roommates and the lack of privacy is a factor in that?