Not in a Good Place

[TheRainbow]

I haven't posted in a while.  For anyone who doesn't know my story can find it here:  

It's been over three years since I joined here. I have been faithful and doing a lot of work on myself. So I feel like on a personal level I'm in a good place. I'm confident. I'm not seeking out validation from other people, and I like to say I respect my husband the way he should be.

But it feels like we hit another rough spot. My husband and I seem to be in a parched place. Maybe it is because of COVID-19 and restrictions. But it feels like we have reached a place of tolerance. We don’t talk much about my multiple affairs or about the other man. Things with his family have even calmed down.

My mother-in-law still hates me, but she has been a lot more cordial, so we don’t discuss her much anymore. My oldest is a teenager, and she often is alone doing her own thing. My younger two take up a lot of time, and we take turns caring for their basic needs.

We don’t argue, but we really don’t engage in meaningful conversation. I have tried to talk to him about it. He is receptive and says he notices it too, but can’t put his finger on what it is. He says it’s not about my infidelity.

I do remember it being a common opinion that our entire marriage was based on him playing the knight in shining armor and me playing the hopeless victim, and that once that was no longer a factor, we might just not have much in common. I kind of feel like that is where we are.

Like it’s not like we don’t do stuff together, talk to each other. Our sex life is great.

I’m not sure where I am going with this. I’m just hoping to gain some insight.

Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Maybe he enjoys contentment without drama but you feel complacent and bored without drama?

[TheRainbow]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe he enjoys contentment without drama but you feel complacent and bored without drama?

That'd be something to consider if he didn't also feel this void.

[glows]

Talking about a relationship gets stale quickly. I prefer to deal with issues within reason but will not tolerate much of going over and over and over issues repeatedly. It's usually a sign that one or the other is discontent and it's not working, or one or either of you would prefer to be elsewhere or for the other partner to be a different person. 

When you say meaningful conversation do you engage in other topics or have shared interests besides your kids?

[TheRainbow]

31 minutes ago, glows said:

When you say meaningful conversation do you engage in other topics or have shared interests besides your kids?

We used to just lay in bed and talk about every day things. We would laugh, discuss random things and have philological discussions. IT just seems like lately, it's only about the kids, COVID, what I'm going to get form the grocery store. It was only in the last few months that I had been able to get out of the house to get my hair done. I'm hoping this is just because of isolation from restrictions because of COVID.  

[glows]

5 minutes ago, TheRainbow said:

We used to just lay in bed and talk about every day things. We would laugh, discuss random things and have philological discussions. IT just seems like lately, it's only about the kids, COVID, what I'm going to get form the grocery store. It was only in the last few months that I had been able to get out of the house to get my hair done. I'm hoping this is just because of isolation from restrictions because of COVID.  

Yes, there is bound to be stress some days because of this. It happens with couples. You're married so you see each other each day. Ask him about something you know he's working on and let it go from there. Also talk can be cheap. Why not show him how much you love him?

[mark clemson]

Normal, healthy relationships can be "low-drama" when there are no major issues and both are busy or have significant responsibilities. There's nothing wrong with that IMO. It sounds like you both feel like roommates, tho.

I suspect SOME of this is "distance" created by your affairs. However there is room to rebuild trust, particularly if COVID is keeping you around and together a lot, so it's obvious you couldn't be cheating again.

I think it's great that intimacy is strong - that's quite important in some marriages.

Consider taking on a high value but low stress project or activity together to help you rebuild "partnership" as well. Maybe be "white knights" together to help others who need help, e.g. via volunteering for a charity organization or similar. Or work together on a project that boosts your finances, e.g. to fill up the 3(?) kids' college funds. Or something similar that makes sense for you and him and that you'd both enjoy.

Consider doing some internet research on dopamine as well. Perhaps you're not content with normal levels of dopamine during day-to-day life after all the past drama, etc?

Edited November 4, 2021 by mark clemson

[usa1ah]

He could be regretting his decision to stay. 

[TheRainbow]

On 11/6/2021 at 8:02 PM, usa1ah said:

He could be regretting his decision to stay. 

And he knows he can change his mind at any time, and I won't hold any ill feelings. 

[spiritedaway2003]

On 11/4/2021 at 1:55 AM, TheRainbow said:

I do remember it being a common opinion that our entire marriage was based on him playing the knight in shining armor and me playing the hopeless victim, and that once that was no longer a factor, we might just not have much in common. I kind of feel like that is where we are.

I remembered you and I am glad to hear things have stabilized somewhat for you.

First advice: don’t let “common opinion” cast doubts on your relationship and make it true.  While a good many might choose to leave after infidelity, some have also chosen to reconcile.  Other people’s opinion doesn’t really matter because at the end of the day, it’s your husband’s call and he made a conscious decision to stay.  He didn’t have to stay but chose to, so take some comfort in that he wants to work things out.  If he changes his mind, he knows where the door is.  

Try not to invite drama where there is none. If you are feeling a lack on connection, then work on that issue specifically.  For example, I like mark’s  suggestion of taking on a low stress project together.

Lastly, roles in a relationship can change over time. You can’t always play the damsel in distress. He can’t always play the hero.  There may come a day where he needs you to support him.  What I am trying to say is that no one stays in the same role forever. I wouldn’t recommend dwelling too deeply on the roles itself but how you can continue to build the connection in meaningful ways that helps to meet both your and your husband’s emotional needs.  

If you want to end things because you both no longer love each other, that’s something else altogether.  Otherwise some ebbs and flows in a long term relationship is not only normal, but to be expected.  

Edited November 8, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[Weezy1973]

On 11/4/2021 at 2:46 PM, TheRainbow said:

We used to just lay in bed and talk about every day things…I'm hoping this is just because of isolation from restrictions because of COVID.  

Yes probably COVID restrictions. Not much going on day to day, therefore not much to talk about. Also long term relationships ebb and flow. And having two young children does eat up a lot of time, nevermind just daily chores and whatnot. This is how it is now, but things will likely change once restrictions are lifted.

[vla1120]

I also like Mark's idea of joining together to do a project, or start a new hobby (golf? cooking class? hiking?) If you do feel like he usually plays the knight in shining armor, maybe you could step up and do something that would show him you are capable of being HIS knight in shining armor? Be thankful that things are routine right now and try to enjoy the peace and quiet of a non-chaotic life.