occasional porn use

[joy8]

Me and my bf have been dating for 3 and half years. I love my bf and I know that he loves me. Our relationship is pretty great - of course it had its ups and downs - but nothing too serious, and as the time passed by, we learned more about each other, how to communicate  well,  how to resolve problems and difficulties etc. Though, there is one thing I need to get off my chest and maybe get some advice from you. 

My bf sometimes watches porn. It's always just when I'm not available, so it's really occasional and I wouldn't say that he is addicted. He never chooses porn over me. I would even say, that I understand it, I don't have any problem myself with porn. I have never had any problem with my boyfriends porn use (in my previous relationships, or in my current relationship) and I don't exactly know what has changed. When I watch porn, all I see are these girls with beautiful bodies - and then there is me. Even though people say that I am physically attractive, I  have some deep rooted insecurities in me, like I'm not good enough. Sometimes there are days when I don't mind if he watched porn, and sometimes I'm wondering whether he imagines that he has sex with some of these girls, or whether he thinks that they are more attractive than me, wants someone entirely different  than me, etc. I have talked to him about this and he reassured me that he doesn't do any of these things, and that he uses porn  as a visual stimulus. He also isn't secretive about it and says that he would rather be honest about it, than lie that he doesn't watch porn at all. So I guess I'm maybe overthinking it. Well, as you problably see, I have also some trust issues, which emerge in every one of my relationships, but that is a different story. Let's just say that I had an experience with cheating and I have also seen a lot of cheating in my family and friends relationships, so my faith in real love is a little bit corrupted.

This is not a deal breaker for me,  but I would like to be okay with this, and break this annoying overthinking cycle.

So my question here is - have you been in similar situation? how did you deal with it? do you have any advice on how to be okay with this?

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, joy8 said:

sometimes I'm wondering whether he imagines that he has sex with some of these girls, or whether he thinks that they are more attractive than me, wants someone entirely different  than me, etc. I have talked to him about this and he reassured me that he doesn't do any of these things, and that he uses porn  as a visual stimulus

He is just telling you what you want to hear...sorry to say.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, joy8 said:

 I  have some deep rooted insecurities in me, like I'm not good enough.

Ok. Stop talking at him about porn. That's not really the issue, is it? When and how he masturbates is private and you shouldn't be mothering or nagging him about it.

Instead build self respect and self confidence. Join some clubs and groups. Stay busy with school and work . Get involved in sports and fitness. Go out with friends and family more.

 Try not to get into mirror-mirror-on-the-wall games.  There will always be celebrities and porn stars and attractive women on the street. It's not about that. It's about confidence. In fact nagging him about porn and your insecurities is unattractive in itself because it lacks self respect and self confidence..

[Alpacalia]

Some porn is good for the soul.

Kind of like chicken soup.

I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[ShyViolet]

Virtually all men watch porn at least occasionally.  I've assumed that every guy I've dated has watched porn at least occasionally, because that's just normal male behavior.  I don't ask them about it and don't feel the need to know about it.  What he does on his own time in regards to masturbation is frankly none of your business.  If he wasn't watching porn, I'm sure he would be having thoughts of other women from time to time..... because he's HUMAN. And it has nothing whatsoever with his level of attraction to you or desire to be with you.   In a healthy relationship we don't police our partner's thoughts.  Just let this go.

[Els]

Eh, I'm a woman and I watch porn sometimes. Like your bf mentioned, to me it is indeed just a visual stimulus. I am not comparing my husband to the porn actors. Heck I barely even remember their names or which faces match which bodies or who did which sexual act - it's just the act itself that I watch for, personally.

2 hours ago, joy8 said:

When I watch porn, all I see are these girls with beautiful bodies - and then there is me.

I mean, porn is full of dudes with 8-inch schlongs, ripped arms and 6-packs, perfectly shaved/waxed chests and pubes, who (apparently) can go on and on for hours without losing an erection or ejaculating. Do you think that women who watch hetero porn are comparing their men to those guys, too? Would you compare your man to those guys if you watched porn?

Porn is just entertainment IMO. It's like Vin Diesel in Fast and Furious or Megan Fox in Transformers. Hopefully nobody thinks it's a good idea in real life to actually drive like that (or run in 6-inch heels when there's a maniacal robot trying to kill you), or that they want their real-life partner to do that...

 

 

[vla1120]

There's nothing wrong with him using porn once in awhile. It's not taking the place of you, he's not making inappropriate comments to you, comparing you to those porn actors. I wouldn't spend too much time fretting about this. Instead, start working on feeling better about yourself just the way you are. It's definitely NOT cheating in any form. 

[stillafool]

When I watch it my husband is the last thing on my mind.

[ExpatInItaly]

What shifted from being okay with it to not being okay with it?

How's your relationship been overall since you started feeling differently about this? My guess is that some cracks have started appearing somewhere, and it's triggering your insecurity in general, not just about porn. 

16 hours ago, joy8 said:

I  have some deep rooted insecurities in me, like I'm not good enough.

And what have you done to address these issues within yourself?

[glows]

The porn is a scapegoat. It reads to me that the more serious issues are with your self-esteem.

Perhaps you're more self-conscious now about your appearance because of changes with time or changes you weren't expecting. Perhaps even your thoughts or ideas about beauty may be shifting. I used to doll up and wear lots of make up in my youth and now I take more care with my skin for example and don't wear any make up most of the time. "Beautiful bodies" is so relative and it's all in the eye of the beholder too. Why can't you be a beautiful body? What's telling you that you have to look like someone else to be "beautiful"? 

 

[zouzd]

Definitely doing things that increase your confidence are always a win ; and  you need to consider the below points because I believe many ladies don't understand the nature of man , they are straight to the point so apologies if they could appear expressed in a harsh way .

-it is none of your business if he masturbate and how frequently he does it ; unless you want to meet every desire he has ; which is impossible for a woman to do .

-Women usually needs to be ready to be a part of an intimate affectionate  sex; so let's say she is a bit tired , or her day was stressful; or the poor guy gave while accompanying her in the morning a word  she didn't like ; then it is expected that she won't feel having sex , and if she does she is doing only a duty or a favor; experienced and affectionate male partners  don't like to have just sex ; so they relief the sexual urge in anyway ( masturbation , quicky , etc ....) but they expect to get another round later .

-If you want to be happy with your BF and make him happy ; just be happy , don't try to satisfy his needs just to make him do less porn or masturbation ; rather just ignore it and  do sex with him when you feel wanna do it ; now if he feels the urges 10 times more than you ; or for example you don't feel in need of sex except once in a blue moon  then it is a major issue .

 

thats my 2 cents 

 

[elaine567]

You are insecure because his porn use is triggering your insecurity.
You are not stupid you know your body does not compare to the ones that turn him on in porn.
Your insecurity is based on reality,
No amount of hobbies or spending time with friends will alter that fact.

Women from a young age have been conditioned to be insecure about how they look.
They usually get over it when they realise they cannot compete any more ie they are too old.
Young women will always feel threatened by porn as they want to be the sole object of his desire.
They are at peak beauty, peak desirability, peak attraction, peak self confidence...
To find he is "distracted" elsewhere by "better" women is very upsetting and confidence shattering.
Porn is a huge issue in many relationships.
It erodes female self esteem.

[joy8]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Try not to get into mirror-mirror-on-the-wall games.  There will always be celebrities and porn stars and attractive women on the street. It's not about that. It's about confidence. In fact nagging him about porn and your insecurities is unattractive in itself because it lacks self respect and self confidence..

I completely agree with you. Thank you

[joy8]

19 hours ago, Elswyth said:

Do you think that women who watch hetero porn are comparing their men to those guys, too? Would you compare your man to those guys if you watched porn?

No I wouldn't - so I guess I got my answer

[joy8]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What shifted from being okay with it to not being okay with it?

How's your relationship been overall since you started feeling differently about this? My guess is that some cracks have started appearing somewhere, and it's triggering your insecurity in general, not just about porn. 

And what have you done to address these issues within yourself?

I don't remember any exact situation/conversation with my bf, which could trigger this. But  I have a mother with untreated mental condition, who once ( in bad mental state) said to me that I'll never find anyone who would really love me, because I'm just an empty vessel, and all I can offer to a man is sex. This really hit me. Then, few years later I started dating my bf. At first she was supportive, then she started to be very mean ( I think that she couldn't stand that I was happy) - she said stupid things and fictional scenarios like I'm not good enough, that he would find someone else or that he would cheat on me and lots of similar things. Once she said that he "doesn't look at you the way he used to" and she even looked happy about this, as if she was saying "I told you so" - which I think was also pretty mean. I personally also don't have "oh-I-love-you-so-much" look on my face every time when I look at my bf and I think that it is perfectly normal  .. and even though I know that the things she said aren't based on truth, she made me think about it, and I guess that was enough to trigger the insecurities in me..  In fact, my bf doesn't do anything that would make me insecure. I tried some therapy - which helped me to improve relationship with my mother, I'm pretty succesful and confident at my work  , but I think that there are still these unresolved issues reagrding relationships and self worth.

[joy8]

5 hours ago, glows said:

"Beautiful bodies" is so relative and it's all in the eye of the beholder too. Why can't you be a beautiful body? What's telling you that you have to look like someone else to be "beautiful"?

I love this quote : )

In my previous response, I mentioned issues regarding my mom. She had many hurtful statements in the past few years, not only about my relationships but also about me as a person. She also made mean comments about my appearance all the time, that I am ugly, too fat/too skinny, "why don't you use makeup - you look tired and ugly withou makeup "/ "you use too much makeup you look like a b****" . The sad thing is, that no matter how many times someone tells me that I am beautiful or enough, there is still this voice in my head which tells me no you are not. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, joy8 said:

Once she said that he "doesn't look at you the way he used to" and she even looked happy about this

Do you work or go to college. The main goal for you should be to move out on your own asap. Start looking for jobs, side jobs, etc. and looking for affordable housing with roommates, house-shares, etc. This has nothing to do with porn. It has to do with you being over-enmeshed with a toxic parent.

In the meantime, you are talking about your dating life/sex life way too much with your mother. Be more private. Stop confiding in your mother.

Also get to a physician for an evaluation. Discuss your family history, and your own issues. Things run in families and it's better to find out sooner rather than later if you could benefit from medical treatment.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist so you can talk to a neutral, professional and get good advice and undo some damage from being overinvolved with your mother and her issues.

[joy8]

5 hours ago, zouzd said:

Definitely doing things that increase your confidence are always a win ; and  you need to consider the below points because I believe many ladies don't understand the nature of man , they are straight to the point so apologies if they could appear expressed in a harsh way .

Thank you for your insight, I agree with you. It wasn't harsh 

[joy8]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you work or go to college. The main goal for you should be to move out on your own asap. Start looking for jobs, side jobs, etc. and looking for affordable housing with roommates, house-shares, etc. This has nothing to do with porn. It has to do with you being over-enmeshed with a toxic parent.

In the meantime, you are talking about your dating life/sex life way too much with your mother. Be more private. Stop confiding in your mother.

Also get to a physician for an evaluation. Discuss your family history, and your own issues. Things run in families and it's better to find out sooner rather than later if you could benefit from medical treatment.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist so you can talk to a neutral, professional and get good advice and undo some damage from being overinvolved with your mother and her issues.

I finished college, I work, currently I live with my bf. I'm not living with  her anymore. But we are in occasional contant - if she is in a good state at the time.  When she became like this, I started to be very private about my life, but she knew that I have a bf. I never mentioned any details, I never talked to her about any problems (because I knew that if I said anything , later it could be used against me) - but it didn't matter - she always made up some weird stories and scenarios, as if she couldn't accept that I could be genuinely happy. Now I have a neutral relationship with her, I don't discuss any specific things or feelings with her, just general stuff. Somentimes I have to cut the contact because she gets worse, but she doesn't accept that she needs treatment. 

Also you are right, I might need to continue therapy.

[Wiseman2]

Just now, joy8 said:

I work, currently I live with my bf.  I have a neutral relationship with her, I don't discuss any specific things or feelings with her, just general stuff. Somentimes I have to cut the contact because she gets worse

Excellent. Good you broke free and are living your own life. Is she divorced, she seems to project her own negativity, no?

How is your relationship with other family and your father? Yes focus on positive people, places and things and hopefully the negativity talk will fade into the background and you'll have a removed compassion for her poor mental state.

[joy8]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Good you broke free and are living your own life. Is she divorced, she seems to project her own negativity, no?

How is your relationship with other family and your father? Yes focus on positive people, places and things and hopefully the negativity talk will fade into the background and you'll have a removed compassion for her poor mental state.

She is divorced. My father was abusive and I haven't seen him since I was a little kid. I never knew anyone from his family. Also, I don't have anyone else besides her. She has a sibling but we don't talk because of my mothers attitude. Even though I don't have a normal family on my own, I feel accepted by my bf's family, and I also have some great friends. These people know about my poor family background but never abandoned me. But the negativity talk is really strong in me nevertheless.

[Alpacalia]

With all due respect, your mother seems like a witch. You can calmly tell her to go fly off on her broom the next time she attempts to put you down.

[glows]

Be around your own chosen family, your friends and value them. Continue with therapy if you feel it helps. Keep any conversations with your mother respectful and at a distance.

You know she is unstable or unable to carry on regular conversations so always limit any details about your personal/love life. Save that for those who are closest to you or understand you best.

She's still your mother so I do not recommend breeding more resentment, then guilt for your own actions and fostering a cycle of nonstop unrest and no peace between the two of you or being rude to her. Only acknowledge she's limited in her understanding or conversation skills. 

Don't call anyone names either. The only person staying angry over a situation that can't change is you and you don't need that anger.

[Els]

3 hours ago, joy8 said:

No I wouldn't - so I guess I got my answer

That's great!

I mean, it's not impossible that a few people WOULD expect their bf/gf to behave or look like a porn star - that's the definition of a person who's either addicted to porn, or who has no idea how to differentiate fantasy from reality. In both of these cases, there would be plenty of other symptoms (issues with the relationship and sex life) that would be tell-tale signs of an addiction or delusion. If there are no other issues, then I think it's a good sign that your guy is probably viewing it the right way - as occasional entertainment, as a solo activity and not a replacement for sex/intimacy, and no comparing anyone with anything he watches.

[Veronica73]

What are people meaning when they say “occasional” use of porn? It seems to me most men use porn “regularly”. Also, I have to agree with Elaine that porn is a big issue in a lot of relationships. I have read in more than one place that porn use is one of the factors that leads to divorces in many cases. 

Also…I get that now with the free, anonymous access to porn at the click of a button….just about every man nowadays uses porn (I’d say regularly instead of occasionaly) I don’t think it used to be that way. Before the internet, I don’t think the regular use of porn was considered normal or something that virtually all men do.

Edited November 5, 2021 by Veronica73