married male colleague - does he want to have an affair with me?

[oOstrowski07]

For a little background: we work in a corporate attorney office, but our departments are unrelated so our roles dont cause us to interact with each other in any way. He is married with two young children, mid 40s. I am 28 and by universal code, I'd be considered out of his league on a basis of looks alone. 

He is not someone id typically ever have a sexual interest in but for some reason, I am very attracted to him. It started with him finding reasons to come over to my desk - first because he heard  from another colleague that i [] and he wanted to know if it would be good for his wife to try, who he called "high-strung".

Shortly after that first conversation he friend requested me on insta and facebook. After that he would casually come up to me in passing and ask about my boyfriend (now fiance) what he did for a living, if he was a bf/fiance/etc.

fast forward to the pandemic and working from home he DMed me and asked if i wanted to []. I was starting to like the attention at this point so we set up a day and time.

His kids were home but wife was at work. nothing inappropriate happened or was said, but i cant help but feel there's an unspoken sexual tension between us. I also thought if my husband had an attractive co-worker over my house that i had never met, i would be very upset. 

Since then my boyfriend became my fiance, and I heard nothing from him for about 8 months until He reached out via text a few months ago.

For a week we were back and forth with texting each other random things and mentioned planning another [] and banter became a little flirty. I cant help but think he must have some kind of interest, but now its been over a month and i haven't heard from him.

Also I've noticed his wife has been blowing up social media the past couple weeks tagging him in photos and lovey dovey captions. Thoughts?

Edited November 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, oOstrowski07 said:

 asked if i wanted to bring my dog to his house for a playdate with his dog. I was starting to like the attention at this point so we set up a day and time. His kids were home but wife was at work. nothing inappropriate happened or was said, but i cant help but feel there's an unspoken sexual tension between us. 

This is the only inappropriate interaction. Skip the play dates and be professional.

[BaileyB]

You sound very flattered. It’s easy to understand why…

Some women would find the attention of an older married man who is “clearly out of her league” very exciting. Others would see him coming and cross the street. 

But what of your fiancé? Do you love the man? Are you planning a future with him? Would you expect him to be monogamous in the relationship?   Are you prepared to offer him the same courtesy and respect? 

 

Edited November 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, oOstrowski07 said:

fast forward to the pandemic and working from home he DMed me and asked if i wanted to bring my dog to his house for a playdate with his dog.

I will add, this made me laugh out loud. In the middle of a pandemic, he invites you over to his home so that your dogs can play together… 

Smooth… really smooth…

[salparadise]

25 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Some women would find the attention of an older married man who is “clearly out of her league” very exciting.

Reread- she thinks she's out of his league.

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Reread- she thinks she's out of his league.

Lol, I did not read that right. Thanks for the correction. 

[oOstrowski07]

@BaileyB right? I thought the same thing- “real smooth” lol. In retrospect I’m thinking what happily married man would have someone like me over who he doesn’t even know well if not in hopes to get to know her better and start something more? But I’m confused if him being hot and cold is bc I’m not necessarily available and haven’t made a move or if he just wants to be friends 

[Luna66star]

You haven't heard from him for over a month? He just wants to be friendly at work.  Otherwise you would notice some flirting.

I would put this out of your mind entirely.

BTW. Are you secretly hoping he wanted to have an affair with you?  This is the vibe I'm getting here.

 

 

 

 

 

[SRCSRC]

So you are engaged but have become infatuated with this coworker.  Yes, you are infatuated with him.  Time to let your fiancé know and let him go find someone else who will be loyal to him.  Under no circumstances should you continue the engagement.  Do not screw up his life.  You will cheat on him eventually.  Evidently, affairs don't seem to bother you if you are the one doing the cheating.  I will not apologize for being so harsh.  Not only are you emotionally cheating on your fiancé,  but you can easily slip into a physical relationship with a married man.  

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, oOstrowski07 said:

 I was starting to like the attention 

I think your imagination is running wild for this reason.

Ask yourself why male attention is this important to you. 

It's ok to have a crush at work, but reflect on how happy you are with your BF if your fantasies about him are interfering with work.

This isn't about his dogs and kids. It's about feeling empty in your relationship.

So much so that you've created this romance novel in your head, with you and your boss as the stars.

Edited November 5, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Starswillshine]

I suggest learning to firm up your boundaries or else end your engagement. 

[Birdies]

20 hours ago, oOstrowski07 said:

For a little background: we work in a corporate attorney office, but our departments are unrelated so our roles dont cause us to interact with each other in any way. He is married with two young children, mid 40s. I am 28 and by universal code, I'd be considered out of his league on a basis of looks alone. He is not someone id typically ever have a sexual interest in but for some reason, I am very attracted to him. It started with him finding reasons to come over to my desk - first because he heard  from another colleague that i teach pilates  and he wanted to know if it would be good for his wife to try, who he called "high-strung". Shortly after that first conversation he friend requested me on insta and facebook. After that he would casually come up to me in passing and ask about my boyfriend (now fiance) what he did for a living, if he was a bf/fiance/etc. fast forward to the pandemic and working from home he DMed me and asked if i wanted to bring my dog to his house for a playdate with his dog. I was starting to like the attention at this point so we set up a day and time. His kids were home but wife was at work. nothing inappropriate happened or was said, but i cant help but feel there's an unspoken sexual tension between us. I also thought if my husband had an attractive co-worker over my house that i had never met, i would be very upset. Since then my boyfriend became my fiance, and I heard nothing from him for about 8 months until He reached out via text a few months ago. For a week we were back and forth with texting each other random things and mentioned planning another "playdate" and banter became a little flirty. I cant help but think he must have some kind of interest, but now its been over a month and i haven't heard from him. Also I've noticed his wife has been blowing up social media the past couple weeks tagging him in photos and lovey dovey captions. Thoughts?

Thoughts: back away now before you completely torpedo your life.  I'm speaking 100% from experience.  Do you love your fiance?  Why are you so cavalier about cheating on him?  And yes, that's what is going to happen if you keep flirting and having "play dates".  (Not to mention, this is already an emotional affair.)

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, oOstrowski07 said:

 For a week we were back and forth with texting each other random things and mentioned planning another "playdate" and banter became a little flirty. I cant help but think he must have some kind of interest, but now its been over a month and i haven't heard from him. Also I've noticed his wife has been blowing up social media the past couple weeks tagging him in photos and lovey dovey captions. Thoughts?

 

Without judgement or bashing you for having what is currently in reality a platonic friend, I'd say that the following may be likely:

• His level of "engagement" with you varies depending on how happy he is with how is wife is treating him. It sounds like when he's not getting a lot of attention from her, he has you as a sort of "romantic friendship" but when he's feeling happier and or things get better in the marriage he then fades away. Marriages often have "ups and downs."
• He may indeed want an affair or at least have toyed with the idea. He MAY have had some rough patches in his marriage where he was considering you as a potential "Plan B" down the road. He may be conflicted in that he may feel attraction but not be willing to "take things all the way" to a PA.

Unless you actually think you're going to lose your self control and really start an affair with him, I don't think it makes ANY sense at all to change your engagement plans (unless you've in truth fallen out of love with your fiancee). Otherwise, just keep him as a friend (and ONLY a friend). It sounds like he may fade into the background anyhow. IF you really think you'd start an affair with this guy, then cut him out of your life completely so you can marry without the distractions and be a safe partner.

Congrats on the engagement BTW.

Edited November 5, 2021 by mark clemson

[pepperbird2]

Yeh, I'm in the end your engagement camp too.

 I say that because if you really loved your fiance and wanted to be with just him, you wouldn't have even entertained forming any sort of relationship with this man, beyond a working one once you suspected he may be interested in something more.

You don't invite that guy over for a dog play date (?) , you don't keep texting/chatting with him and you don' start getting jealous and snarky-it was there in your words-when his wife,decides to starts posting positive things about her husband on Facebook because you have a twinge of jealousy.

Really, instead of asking whether or not ts guy wants to have an affair with you, you should be asking if you want to cheat on your fiance with him, and if so, why. If you don't, then whether or not he's flirting shouldn't matter. He's married, and you're engaged. who the frick' cares what his intentions are? Instead of wasting mental energy on that, ask yourself why you  are even considering pursuing this relationship at all. What is your gut telling you?

Edited November 5, 2021 by pepperbird2

[oOstrowski07]

 

2 hours ago, Birdies said:

Do you love your fiance?  Why are you so cavalier about cheating on him?

@BirdiesI do love my fiance. However we've had struggles throughout our relationship with emotional intimacy. He is a good man but does not see why or how at times I feel my emotional needs arent being met by him. During arguments about the subject when I express him being insensitive or my wanting us to work on our relationship on a deeper level, he gets angry. Basically he thinks since I'm not a battered woman and he is in every other way a good partner, that should be good enough for me to accept. I'm sure is at least part of the reason I've developed the interest in this colleague of mine in the first place and with the bumps in my relationship, the interest in this other man has grown overtime. I guess I've never thought of labeling the relationship with the MM as an emotional affair, as we have never talked negatively about our partners (aside from him calling her high-strung and mentioning she brings home her work stress often) or gotten on topic of our relationships with on that level. It's more of a gut feeling i have that him and I are both being guarded with what we talk about.. i can feel the unspoken attraction and sexual tension as if we're not quite sure what the other wants because it hasn't been said or acted upon by either of us, and we both have our dignity/relationships on the line if the other doesn't reciprocate. 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, oOstrowski07 said:

He is a good man but...

Do not get married. Hold off and sort out your need to look elsewhere. Your relationship is the problem not your boss.

[SRCSRC]

There isn't really nothing left to say other than you have no business being engaged to your fiancé.  As sure as the sun rises in the East and sets in the West you will eventually cheat on him with someone.  Move on and save both of you a ton of hurt down the line.  Also, stay the hell away from married men.  

Edited November 5, 2021 by SRCSRC

[Luna66star]

Man at work is providing you with a distraction to the unmet needs from your fiance. 

I would break off this engagement unless you can talk to him and work things out.  It's not fair to him that your days are spent focusing on another man.  

The main issue here is the relationship with your fiance which does not appear to be working for you.  

Nevertheless, starting up a side thing with a MM is never a good idea.  It won't mean anything to him, you would be a distraction and fun.  It will all add up to flakey behavior and frequent disappearances from him. You won't feel good about it in the long run.  He will come and go.  Please don't set yourself up to be used!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Interstellar]

What emotional needs aren’t being met?

For real, like previously said you need to break off your engagement, and enjoy your single life with other single people.

Edited November 6, 2021 by Interstellar

[Noproblem]

my thoughts is you shouldn't waste your fiancée's time and break up with him ASAP; you clearly don't like your fiancée and it will be such a boring unfulfilling life for both of you!

and one other thing: Stay away from married men and married men with kids ( they won't leave their wives, you'll just ruin your life and sanity)

Third, tone done on your confidence, you mentioned you are out of his league and you are very attractive, that's doesn't mean you are likeable or someone would divorce their wife for you!

Edited November 6, 2021 by Noproblem

[mark clemson]

On 11/5/2021 at 2:08 PM, oOstrowski07 said:

I do love my fiance. However we've had struggles throughout our relationship with emotional intimacy.

It sounds like you need to figure out whether this is what you really want long term.

I've heard that many families actually get made by "settling". However settling IMO means settling for pretty good, not settling for whatever happens to be there or someone where you aren't going to be happy long term and/or your needs will not be met.

So I think you need to sort out whether marrying this man really makes sense. If you are an attractive woman as you say, it's shouldn't be too hard to find a new partner who better meets your needs IF you decide that's what really makes sense.

[Birdies]

Don’t marry someone unless there is NOTHING about your relationship that you want to change. It’s such a bad idea to marry someone if you already have problems in your relationship. It’s a divorce, and maybe cheating, waiting to happen. Just save him the pain of all that and break up with him now. Find someone you are 100% crazy about. 

[czanclus]

On 11/4/2021 at 4:14 PM, oOstrowski07 said:

For a little background: we work in a corporate attorney office, but our departments are unrelated so our roles dont cause us to interact with each other in any way. He is married with two young children, mid 40s. I am 28 and by universal code, I'd be considered out of his league on a basis of looks alone. He is not someone id typically ever have a sexual interest in but for some reason, I am very attracted to him. It started with him finding reasons to come over to my desk - first because he heard  from another colleague that i teach pilates  and he wanted to know if it would be good for his wife to try, who he called "high-strung". Shortly after that first conversation he friend requested me on insta and facebook. After that he would casually come up to me in passing and ask about my boyfriend (now fiance) what he did for a living, if he was a bf/fiance/etc. fast forward to the pandemic and working from home he DMed me and asked if i wanted to bring my dog to his house for a playdate with his dog. I was starting to like the attention at this point so we set up a day and time. His kids were home but wife was at work. nothing inappropriate happened or was said, but i cant help but feel there's an unspoken sexual tension between us. I also thought if my husband had an attractive co-worker over my house that i had never met, i would be very upset. Since then my boyfriend became my fiance, and I heard nothing from him for about 8 months until He reached out via text a few months ago. For a week we were back and forth with texting each other random things and mentioned planning another "playdate" and banter became a little flirty. I cant help but think he must have some kind of interest, but now its been over a month and i haven't heard from him. Also I've noticed his wife has been blowing up social media the past couple weeks tagging him in photos and lovey dovey captions. Thoughts?

I have a feeling you are not overplaying your looks. Wonderful. Flaunt it and don't apologize... least of all to droves of casually unkempt wives everywhere, ready to call you an unhinged wanton jezebel at the slightest gesture of interaction with their husband who 99.99% of the cases approached you first anyway. Heh, If I had a mere nickel, I swear... but a topic for a different thread I'll start one of these days. 

What makes this man so attractive? Think hard and be honest.

"Pilates for wife" comment... how tacky. You eating it up, are you having fun yet? I bet the number of times you've been solicited like that is in the non-hyperbolic double digits, no? Do you like it? Not too important.

Actions on his part that follow, clearly attraction, utter disregard for boundaries, but he's a man... and should be more delicately handled, for their kind know no better. I'm sure the wife wouldn't flinch to find you were over by his invitation, would deem you innocent to awareness or having any ulterior motives too.

Doggy playdate at his residence, and you've never even been introduced to the family. And you say yourself "attractive" is pertinent, certainly wouldn't want your official SO found in the company of someone who outshines you like that. Pity on the humans burdened with the visual appeal. Might they voluntarily handicap themselves by punching out a few teeth, or limping, or at least featuring some disagreeable manners like picking their noses in public... so the rest of us can have a better recourse than the off-handed righteous judgment of the other woman's unabashed promiscuity... but I digress.

It's plain as day that there is sexual tension present in both directions, and he is fighting the urge to give in and cheat, sometimes succeeding and other times reaching out, hence the sporadic contact with no clear direction. It's better like that, I hope the struggle exhausts him and he checks back in to his marriage. You on the other hand are showing up for indulging your own vanities. I for one hold no judgment. It's OK. The world is hostile, and people are looking for excuses to bring each other down every day, and twice on Mondays. Take it for what it is. Acknowledge it would hurt your SO to see this revealed.

What is the purpose of this fiance in your life? Is he good enough for you to not want to hurt him by cheating? Or not...

The wife 'blowing up social media', unpopular opinion incoming, but how pathetic. I'd myself check out if my recourse in bringing my husband to check back in would entail lovey-dovey social media captions. But we not all of us hold ourselves to same standards. To each their own. There's a reason I'm not married, these acts reek of desperation. *shudder* Be as it may, you don't get to decide the ways by which these two lawfully wedded specimens reel each other back in. Let them sort this out these days, and assume sorting out is in the works.

You take all that time to figure out if you should get married to current fiance. Thinking only about your own happiness, it already seems like an inferior path there.

Edited November 9, 2021 by czanclus

[oOstrowski07]

15 hours ago, czanclus said:

I have a feeling you are not overplaying your looks. Wonderful. Flaunt it and don't apologize... least of all to droves of casually unkempt wives everywhere, ready to call you an unhinged wanton jezebel at the slightest gesture of interaction with their husband who 99.99% of the cases approached you first anyway. Heh, If I had a mere nickel, I swear... but a topic for a different thread I'll start one of these days. 

What makes this man so attractive? Think hard and be honest.

Thank you for the helpful feedback - and to those who chose to be hostile in your feedback, perhaps reread my original post. I merely mentioned by regulation standards I am out of his league as far as looks go. I didn't boast or ramble on with details of how attractive I may or may not be, just wanted to paint a narrative of the dynamic going on as I believe it pertains to the situation. And as for my engagement - I am not blind to the fact there is clearly something missing. You do not know my situation or background based on this thread alone, and if you did get a better glimpse you would understand that making a decision to end my relationship is as many other life obstacles "easier said than done". There is a lot of good in our relationship, but also many things I wish we met the other halfway on. We work on it daily.

@czanclus as far as what makes me attracted to this MM, I really cant put it in words. He's not someone I would look twice at if i passed him on the street, I just feel the unspoken attraction/connection. At first I found it endearing and impressive he has gone out of his way so many times to initiate conversation/contact considering we don't need to get along/have contact in our job roles as they dont intersect, and the fact that I know he's taken, he knows I am - so "why me?". We share witty and fun banter when we do talk/see each other which makes it enjoyable. His wife and my fiancé are both in the same profession (not providing details for anonymity) which entails a high stress environment along with excessive work hours, and I feel we relate on that level. I've become more sexually attracted to him with every conversation. Perhaps its the push-pull/hot & cold that's keeping me on my toes and intrigued. I started this topic in hopes to gain perspective and get to the bottom of his intentions since its been consuming me.

[vla1120]

19 minutes ago, oOstrowski07 said:

I started this topic in hopes to gain perspective and get to the bottom of his intentions since its been consuming me.

It seems as though your choices are:

1. Stay engaged to your fiance and work on bettering that relationship, which would mean putting an end to the workplace infatuation.

2. Come right out and ask your coworker about his intentions. When his intentions prove to be scandalous, break it off with your fiance and explore the quagmire that is the OW/MM odyssey. You can read all about it on these boards.