married male colleague - does he want to have an affair with me?

[flitzanu]

what @vla1120 said.  

by the sound of all the replies, it seems less like:

"married male colleague - does he want to have an affair with me?"

and more like:

"i want to have an affair with married male colleague - do you think he is interested?"

now that you've entertained this idea of even being with this guy, you've literally changed everything about your relationship and i doubt will ever stop thinking about life without this fiance.

[SharpMind]

[]

Baby girl oostrowski07...you are not married yet...and sometimes we all need to let loose and have some fun!  And if "puppy man" is it before you take the plunge then so be it!  And if "puppy man" teaches you that your current fiancé is not the right person, then dam wasn't it worth it!?  He's an adult you are an adult...he knows what he's doing, and as long as you both know where you stand and how far things are willing to go - then do it!  Keep in mind that you both need to mutually respect each others wishes...if "puppy man" all he wants is an occasional best friend with some benefits and that's it - then you need to be willing to agree/disagree and maybe walk away....when you have to - needs to be mutual.

I'd let it unfold and see how it plays itself out...at the same time you will learn long life lesson's some good some bad...and maybe it will seal the idea of why you should or should not get married!

[]

Edited November 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic and uncivil to other members

[czanclus]

And thank you for rolling with my snark and not taking any offenses, as none were meant to you. I have my own beef as an unmarried woman with married/attached men and their wives/girlfriends, so made the comments about what are attractive women supposed to do... put artificial padding in their mid section, knock a few teeth out and start snorting to make the wives/girlfriends less insecure? Nonetheless, at least for my part, marriage and committed relationship should be respected. All is good in my book if people express attraction or let themselves feel something for the other person if it's coming naturally, but anything more is neither healthy nor leads to good outcomes for anyone, just heartbreak and erosion of self esteem.

Great about attraction as you describe it. I can relate to having felt that for someone myself. If he wasn't married, less accessible, would he be just as appealing? What would be an ideal scenario from this interaction developing?

Assume it's pretty much a given that he wants you sexually, and not just generically because you are a female specimen he hasn't been with, but how far does it make sense to take that? Would you be OK with him just letting you know what he's feeling/wishing for? Or would you rather that he physically acts on it, in some heat of passion or similar... then pull away, tell you he needs to do right by his marriage, leave you with that "hottest date of the decade" memory. Or would you rather still he divorces his wife and move out to be the weekend dad in the quickest time possible so he can be with you otherwise? My impression from your story is that you get a thrill from being wanted (who can blame you), but that you should at most communicate attraction, and leave him to his marriage, whatever it is destined for without you in the equation. I could be wrong. You two could be long-term compatible beyond my casually invested imagination. Or is that even an end goal with this man worth considering? Meanwhile, put together a serious pros and cons list, with a lot of projected scenarios, what your marriage will look like with your current fiance in the picture, or with someone else, or just with you. I hope it turns out for the best.  

Edited November 9, 2021 by czanclus

[Birdies]

2 hours ago, oOstrowski07 said:

And as for my engagement - I am not blind to the fact there is clearly something missing. You do not know my situation or background based on this thread alone, and if you did get a better glimpse you would understand that making a decision to end my relationship is as many other life obstacles "easier said than done". There is a lot of good in our relationship, but also many things I wish we met the other halfway on. We work on it daily.

It's definitely easier said than done.  Been there done that.  I ended up divorcing my exH who I still loved and who is truly one of the best, most fun people I've ever know, because there were things missing that just never could be fixed.  I'm now happily married to someone who is legitimately 100% perfect for me.  That person is out there for you too.  Trust me, getting married won't make it better, it will just cement what is wrong.

[oOstrowski07]

16 hours ago, czanclus said:

If he wasn't married, less accessible, would he be just as appealing? What would be an ideal scenario from this interaction developing?

Perhaps a large portion of the appeal is that he is a family man and good dad... tied into the taboo/unattainable/MM factor. If the situation grew into something more than this cat and mouse game and things were to escalate between us, I would want a commitment from him. (And before the judgmental troll replies equivalent to being chased away with torches and pitchforks start rolling in, I am indeed aware that the statistics/likelihood for this turnout are not in my favor. There, I beat ya to it 😉) I've never been the other woman, nor did I ever think i would be in a situation where I'd entertain the possibility, yet here I am. I know being strung along without him leaving his wife would have me an emotional wreck. I agree i have a lot of sorting out to do.

[oOstrowski07]

On 11/8/2021 at 9:25 PM, czanclus said:

I'm sure the wife wouldn't flinch to find you were over by his invitation, would deem you innocent to awareness or having any ulterior motives too.

Yeah this I'm not sure of. I don't know his wife, but another colleague who met her at our company's holiday retreat did not have any words to describe her but instead made a facial expression that read "yikes". For any avid SATC fans, a la "Nina Katz" face. That on top of him describing her to me early on as "high-strung" would lead me to believe a woman fitting that description wouldn't be OK with an attractive woman she's not met before at her house with her husband and kids.👀🤷‍♀️  i am clearly getting caught up in the details but this one is particularly perplexing to me.

 

 

[vla1120]

57 minutes ago, oOstrowski07 said:

If the situation grew into something more than this cat and mouse game and things were to escalate between us, I would want a commitment from him. 

Good luck with that.

[stillafool]

54 minutes ago, oOstrowski07 said:

Yeah this I'm not sure of. I don't know his wife, but another colleague who met her at our company's holiday retreat did not have any words to describe her but instead made a facial expression that read "yikes". For any avid SATC fans, a la "Nina Katz" face. That on top of him describing her to me early on as "high-strung" would lead me to believe a woman fitting that description wouldn't be OK with an attractive woman she's not met before at her house with her husband and kids.👀🤷‍♀️  i am clearly getting caught up in the details but this one is particularly perplexing to me.

 

 

Maybe they meant "yikes" because she's the type who will come to your job and kick your butt.  It's dangerous business going after someone's spouse.

[czanclus]

2 hours ago, oOstrowski07 said:

Perhaps a large portion of the appeal is that he is a family man and good dad... tied into the taboo/unattainable/MM factor. If the situation grew into something more than this cat and mouse game and things were to escalate between us, I would want a commitment from him. (And before the judgmental troll replies equivalent to being chased away with torches and pitchforks start rolling in, I am indeed aware that the statistics/likelihood for this turnout are not in my favor. There, I beat ya to it 😉) I've never been the other woman, nor did I ever think i would be in a situation where I'd entertain the possibility, yet here I am. I know being strung along without him leaving his wife would have me an emotional wreck. I agree i have a lot of sorting out to do.

OK, so rationally considered, once he would leave his wife and become the weekend dad, will that still hold? I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm a 10+ years 'divorced' mom of a teen, no legal custody battles, not even any lawyers involved, no problem with dad paying monthly support, even giving me 'raises' due to his work raises I never asked for nor would have thought to ask for, even the initial amount for monthly check I told him was what he can spare. Meanwhile, I worked hard to make sure that I can stay living in a big city with no family members to help so that my kid and her dad maintain regular contact, and they have a fantastic bond. Better even, I would dare conjecture, than if we'd stayed under the same roof. I quote 'divorced' because we were never married, just lived together while the kid was little for just under 5 years. So - sure, it's possible to be an exemplary parent and not only defy the odds, but kick em to the curb. My kid's a straight A's student in a top selective enrollment state high school. What does it take? Maybe high IQ genes, but more likely, stellar work ethic values and owning theF out of your decision to break the nuclear prototype of a family and give the kid the best life and opportunities you can muster. Not to be arrogant, but not a lot of people, especially from the male gender, embody the same tenacity as my kid's dad and then myself, and in fact really fall apart due to ensuing lifestyle changes. New life would have to be a major upgrade to make it worthwhile.

My best bet is if this played out further, even if he was so enamored by what you're offering, what with the 'accessory ~15 years younger wife/gf' appeal, what with your ~charming personality, and most importantly, how he will be treated in that new relationship (it will be A LOT of work for you while he copes with the loss of family and possibly very bitter wife and confused kids), would this be worth it for you? Is *he* worth it?

Likely not. Set a respectable boundary and stay on the right side. Indulge the fantasy all you want if you can control it. Have no doubt you're on his mind more than his 'face girl' wife (seriously? younger Millennials making references to SATC? amusing. these women are old enough to be your moms, but maybe that's point? ;-)). And, 'high strung' as she is, it's not like he didn't know what he was marrying into, and might we imagine that he's actually handsomely benefitting from her killing it in the career realm so he can be chill with the dog at home...

Or, idk, as SharpMind suggested, "as long as you both know where you stand and how far things are willing to go - then do it!" (you and the "puppy man" LOL) Naw, pass. Drama to follow guaranteed.

Edited November 10, 2021 by czanclus

[Starswillshine]

On 11/8/2021 at 9:25 PM, czanclus said:

The wife 'blowing up social media', unpopular opinion incoming, but how pathetic. I'd myself check out if my recourse in bringing my husband to check back in would entail lovey-dovey social media captions. But we not all of us hold ourselves to same standards.

Respectfully, we have no idea why his wife is blowing up spcial media and posting lovey quotes. Maybe that is her way of expressing her love. We do not know if it is because she senses something. OP has information that the wife does not have. Trying to assume her motivation is futile at this point in time.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, oOstrowski07 said:

Perhaps a large portion of the appeal is that he is a family man and good dad... tied into the taboo/unattainable/MM factor. 

It's ok to have crushes. It's ok to have fantasies. However he is not showing any romantic interest. His kids are home and it's a dog walking date? Not exactly a torrid affair. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 11/5/2021 at 2:05 AM, oOstrowski07 said:

what happily married man would have someone like me over who he doesn’t even know well if not in hopes to get to know her better and start something more?

What happily engaged woman would do the same? 

Does your finacé know you want to see him? 

He's likely seeking attention outside his marriage for the same reasons you're seeking attention outside your own relationship: boredom, unhappiness, something missing and so on. I mean that sincerely .- you both have your reasons for testing the waters here, I imagine. His wife probably saw the flirty banter and he cut you off, knowing it was too much to lose for a little temporary thrill. 

On 11/5/2021 at 2:05 AM, oOstrowski07 said:

I’m not necessarily available

Your wording here is interesting. Would you be available if he wanted to cheat with you? 

Regardless of what this man wanted, you have a lot of thinking to do. You describe a fairly unhappy relationship with you fiancé, so now would be a good time to re-evaluate your future. Don't get married, in any case. It's clear this relationship is not the stuff of a solid marriage at this point. 

[Myabee]

What what? Why would you want an affair with a MM to begin with?