Dynamics

[Nell]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and living together 18 months, we have a wonderful relationship and I used to have an amazing relationship with his 15 year old daughter, we were great friends and she liked that I always prioritised their relationship and when he was busy on his phone etc, making him put it down so he didn’t waste his time with her, I did all the cooking, I did all her washing, we went shopping together and everything was great 
My boyfriend and I discussed having a puppy, then she wanted a puppy, so her dad bought her a puppy, five months later the puppy we had planned and discussed with a family member breeder,  for a year was available and I bought a puppy for myself and my boyfriend
when the first puppy came along I was completely pushed out, it was the daughters puppy and my boyfriend was so in love with the puppy he would call on them all the time and visit the puppy, I was excluded and told the puppy was nothing to do with me, however when it stayed here I was the one up in the night, And early in the morning and also trying to help them with training as they had not had a puppy before whereas I had, but every attempt I had the puppy taken off me by the daughter and instead put in a crate.
I stepped back from the puppy still doing all basic needs but emotionally nothing, when I got our puppy, the training was successful and she was a well trained and obedient dog
Things then changed and one night as the two pups were playing, the 15 year old kept screaming ‘separate them’, I walked in and saw they were just playing but nevertheless  lifted and removed our puppy and took it with me, they were doing nothing wrong at all, my boyfriend reacted to his daughter getting upset by my action and we had a minor row, over quickly
The daughter told her mum I had made a bad atmosphere and never liked her dog
it got messy quickly, lies were told about me, my boyfriend defended me saying it wasn’t true but it was very painful 
I didn’t see her for weeks, I offered to visit my family on the weekends the daughter saw her dad, sleeping on sofas of family members 
i have a history of long term psychological abuse and this caused me major flashbacks so started envisaging a future where I could do nothing right, if I was quiet I would be accused of creating an atmosphere if I said anything it could be twisted to lies
i came home one evening, hearing my boyfriend and his daughter laughing together and I froze in panic and had a major panic attack, she ended up leaving telling her dad she would never see me again and now demands that I have to leave the house every other weekend still sleeping at family members sofas, or she won’t come to the house
i am so confused
i get the panic attack frightened her, but I didn’t do anything else wrong
now I am being punished so a dad can see his daughter ?????

I have asked if I can stay in the house and not leave our room but no I’m not allowed in the house
its causing major problems for my relationship
i cry a lot
he is stuck in the middle
i feel so worthless
my councillor tells me not to play her games, but what choice do I have ??????

right now I either walk or stay with the man I love more than life and continue to be homeless alternate weekends 

I don’t get it
Am I being unreasonable ?

please be gentle with your answers as I am at breaking point

Edited November 5, 2021 by Nell

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Nell said:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and living together 18 months. she ended up leaving telling her dad she would never see me again and now demands that I have to leave the house every other weekend 

Sorry this is happening. Why did you move in after dating just 24 weeks?

Sadly your BF is the problem. He's in a tug-of-war with his ex and the teen is playing divide-and-conquer.

Move out. They are dysfunctional and you were overdoing the nanny role.

[glows]

This shouldn't be up for debate. Do find appropriate housing for yourself, never depend on them again especially your boyfriend as he's an adult and unreliable. The problems with the dog or taking sides might have pushed it to this point but it's doubtful he was ever ready or open to a committed relationship with you if he can be swayed by a dog and his teenage child.

Take care of yourself from now on. Mind you, if you move out or move on with your life keep in mind that it's likely he'll come right back and contact you or ask you to move in again to support him however way he needs you to - bills, caretaking, parenting. Help yourself and choose people around you that you can depend on and trust. 

[Nell]

Respectfully you are wrong about him, he’s a good man and we are deeply in love

hes just terrified of losing his daughter 

things went fast because of the lockdown - we are not young adolescents but in our fifties and devoted to each other, this was a way of giving his daughter space from me for a few weeks because I frightened her with my breakdown, months later she still won’t come to the house, both my boyfriend and I are determined to work it through and we hope her jealousy is soon shown for what it is and I am no threat to her relationship- with her dad, in fact I am the opposite always promoting it.

please don’t knock my boyfriend, we are professional adults trying to make the best of a bad situation 

[glows]

You seem torn, one moment defending him and your relationship and the other upset that you feel you're being "punished" (your word choice above). You cry a lot also and feel worthless, also your words. His daughter is making unreasonable demands asking you to leave the home and he's agreeing to that. How can you stand by and accept that treatment as just a "bad situation"? You have no home or stability. I think you are in shock and complete denial. 

What are your friends or family saying? The ones that you depend on for generosity? It's good that you have them but even good friends will have a limit to their patience over time if it's tested to the brink or if you continue to stay in this limbo.

[elaine567]

33 minutes ago, Nell said:

both my boyfriend and I are determined to work it through and we hope her jealousy is soon shown for what it is and I am no threat to her relationship- with her dad, in fact I am the opposite always promoting it.

One  chance of this working - no chance.
She has got her own way, ostracised you and split you up.
Job done.

[LynneVicious]

You live together and share a home, no? There is NO way I would put up with this. And no, you’re not being unreasonable. 

He can have a successful relationship with his daughter by laying down boundaries, not by giving into her every demand. 

I agree that the problem is your boyfriend, no matter how amazing he is. There is no chance of this working unless he handles this with his daughter. 

If you were mean to her or rude, that’d be understandable. The fact that he’s making you leave your own home every weekend because his daughter says so is unbelievable. You need to set your own boundaries here. 

[Nell]

I know it’s complicated, but all I gave was the bare bones

next week it’s his birthday, he wanted a meal with the thee of us I was willing she was not, he’s having his birthdays with me and seeing his daughter the next day, he loves me and hates the situation as much as I do, but a 15 year old jealous girl is very strong minded

i know I had 4 of my own but I raised them single-handily and they would never behave like this, unfortunately his daughter is an only child that has always got everything she wanted, he realises that but it’s not just him there are two parents here it’s not just him and believe me I know he loves me

[chillii]

8 hours ago, Nell said:

Respectfully you are wrong about him, he’s a good man and we are deeply in love

hes just terrified of losing his daughter 

things went fast because of the lockdown - we are not young adolescents but in our fifties and devoted to each other, this was a way of giving his daughter space from me for a few weeks because I frightened her with my breakdown, months later she still won’t come to the house, both my boyfriend and I are determined to work it through and we hope her jealousy is soon shown for what it is and I am no threat to her relationship- with her dad, in fact I am the opposite always promoting it.

please don’t knock my boyfriend, we are professional adults trying to make the best of a bad situation 

 

lt's really awkward for kids in these situations and new partners sometimes and usually very hard deep down. And for your bf bc he's lost the normal dad situation he'd have if they were still a family . No idea how often he sees her but it can be very very hard for them both, and now she's at her mums mths , you see, there are so many angles . That's why her puppy being between her and her dad meant so much to her, no need to worry or join in , just let them enjoy it .

Anyway , now all this. You sound very close with your bf it all sounds real , nice. l'd just give it all time don't push it just let them find their way again. They will, things will blow over and all sort out and you will all be close again one day.

 

 

 

 

Edited November 6, 2021 by chillii

[chillii]

Sorry l didn't go past the main part so now l see panic attacks and your over at friends wkends, and yeah , that's not good.You raised your kids alone, that's hugely different to this though, and just how bad was this panic attack, that'd freak the hell out of her if it was bad.

Anyway , sorry don't have anything further except yeah this and that isn't right but if you love ea other and want to these things can be worked out in the end , mine did.

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Nell said:

I know it’s complicated, but all I gave was the bare bones

next week it’s his birthday, he wanted a meal with the thee of us I was willing she was not, he’s having his birthdays with me and seeing his daughter the next day, he loves me and hates the situation as much as I do, but a 15 year old jealous girl is very strong minded

i know I had 4 of my own but I raised them single-handily and they would never behave like this, unfortunately his daughter is an only child that has always got everything she wanted, he realises that but it’s not just him there are two parents here it’s not just him and believe me I know he loves me

Give the daughter space. Not by disappearing from your own home but by stepping back in other ways. 

Sadly your BF had the bad judgement of having you crashland into the house and her life after barely knowing you 6 mos.

All you can do is stop the catfight with her. She's the kid. Her parents divorce and her father's bad choices are not her fault.

Stop comparing her to your 4 kids. Where are they? Where is their father?

This teen may be spoiled, but she's the kid, not you or her father. She had no say in his bad decision to install a woman in his house that she was forced to get used to.

You're in a tough spot. But couch surfing isn't the answer. Keep in mind he knows you 24 mos. she's been his child for 15 years and he's responsible for her well-being, not yours.

[Nell]

Thankyou guys

like i said it’s so complicated, when I moved here, it was a holiday for the 3 week initial lockdown, I thought it was a short stop, lockdown extended and it got to the point that me moving out would have been like a break up

it took me 9 months to give up my own home and that was with my boyfriend, his daughter and his ex all encouraging me to make this a permanent move!!! We didn’t force anything on his daughter, she was part of me moving in!!!!

I get this is hard on everyone, my boyfriend has profusely apologised for excluding me and making me feel insignificant and telling me the other dog was nothing to do with me when I was still expected to be a primary carer when he stayed here. When the training of this pup wasn’t going well, my boyfriend asked me to help him and he was extremely grateful, meanwhile getting messages from his ex that it was upsetting his daughter that I was interfering, so I stopped helping again and backed off again, he told me he didn’t want this so I helped him when it was just us here with the pup 

can I stress that his daughter has little or no memories of her parents being together as she was a toddler, as far as my kids are concerned they are all incredible adults that love their mum to bits, their father is a monster that made our lives hell for years and we have nothing to do with him since literally escaping with our lives!!!

My boyfriend adores both pups and is fair and equal to them both, of course he sees our 24/7 and she’s a girl so hearing him say ‘I love my little girl’ when our pup is jumping on him must be weird to an only child. I get jealousy is difficult for teens. But I did everything for her and I am being badly punished for crying on the floor?????

Edited November 6, 2021 by Nell

[Wiseman2]

First of all stop with all the puppy nonsense. This teen is his child and it's bizarre you got into a confrontation with a child over your puppy issues.

Move out. You're causing chaos for yourself and worst of all a child who had no say in your intrusion into her life. 

The puppy nonsense was just the tipping point. You're not married, it's not your house your just dad's 18 mo. live-in GF.

He's doing the right thing co-parenting and standing up for his child.

She doesn't want to be around you. It's tragic but that's how it is. Eventually you'll have to leave because, right or wrong, your presence there is interfering with their custody arrangements.

If the teen continues to complain to her mother about you and it creates problems for your BF, you'll have to leave.

Start looking for suitable housing. You have no security there. Even though it's your legal residence for now, they can ask you to leave at any time and if you get between him and his daughter, you know it's coming. Find someplace where you have peace.

[Nell]

Well Thankyou for hammering home just how worthless I am to everyone 

I didn’t start this I won’t end this

im famous as a doormat I let everyone walk over me, but I also made a promise to not leave and have my boyfriend lose someone else he loves too as he adores our puppy and cries at the thought of her losing it 

so as worthless as I am Thankyou - I will stay and they can continue hurting me until they kick me out as you predict

i won’t be commenting anymore, I came here for constructive advice not to be crushed and broken  

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Nell said:

 I also made a promise to not leave and have my boyfriend lose someone else he loves too as he adores our puppy and cries at the thought of her losing it 

The point is to protect yourself. The situation with his daughter is complicated so don't couch surf as a solution. Let him figure it out, but protect yourself from the fallout.